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Original poster

Pil getting angry

66 replies

ItsGrimUpNorth · 04/02/2012 17:03

Mil is 60 this year. And she and fil are celebrating their ruby wedding anniversary. They were talking about how to celebrate it. They don't want a party or anything like that. We suggested they come on holiday with us for a week in France in August as a celebration. They agreed. We're going for two, they'll join us for the second week.

Now I think they're ok as people. They're very needy, try and centre their lives around their grown up children and the gcs. Mil has never worked outside of the home, has had three or four nervous breakdowns because she says she doesn't see the gcs enough, can be very interfering, tells stupid fibs about ridiculous things, has bonkers logic and is big on emotional blackmail. Other than that, she's fine Grin. Fil is a spoilt prince who dislikes anyone disagreeing with him but he's quite bright and can be entertaining.

So, this week away with them could be quite trying for me but seeing as it's such a big year for them, then why not? They never went away with their parents and the gcs. In fact, mil struggled to have her mil over for supper once in a while.

Anyway, it turns out they've organised an event - visiting some chocolate world thing - with dh's sister and they want us to go to that as well to celebrate their wedding anniversary. We said no because we were going to France with them, we will have just seen them two weeks before, dh doesn't particularly want to see his sister and we've already agreed to attend two children's parties that weekend. Now, if it were me, I'd've just said we were busy but dh really spelled it out to them which I think was unnecessary.

Fil went bonkers on the 'phone, saying this wedding anniversary was a one off, didn't dh care enough about them, he never sees his sister (dh replied his sister is a racist c* Shock who never bothers to visit when she's down south anyway) and repeated that we were taking them to France this summer to celebrate and that was enough - they're not paying either, our treat. He then put the 'phone down on his dad, telling him he was a stupid old man. Yikes.

Next fil leaves two messages on dh's phone begging him not to turn his back on him, he loves him etc etc. Really heavy stuff. Dh wanted me to listen to them as he couldn't bear it, he was so angry with his dad for laying on the guilts about some stupid trip.

Then fil calls me on my phone and recounts the conversation back but only dh's words, not his. Basically looking for my support. I don't give it and reiterate what our position is but I feel really p*ssed off that he has tried to involve me against dh and that our taking them on holiday this summer just isn't enough for them. Grrrr. Dh wants to cancel the holiday, well, their part of it but I can't do that because it would make for really bad feeling but they are behaving like spoilt children.

Do I just back off and just refuse to get involved and quietly support dh in whatever he decides?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/02/2012 17:06

Just support your DH and let him deal with it, if you are contacted just say contact Dh its down to him.

GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2012 17:16

I'm with Fabby on this though TBH if you find a way of getting out of the holiday with them then really I would do so. Why risk what relationship you still have by going on holiday with them?

I get on well with my PiL and they are good fun sensible people but with the best will in the world I would be force feeding them hemlock by the end of a week away.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 04/02/2012 17:37

Well, we've agreed to go now and mil will literally collapse - and I mean into a juddering wreck on antidepressants - if we cancel.

I did say to fil it's one or the other - we are happy to come on the day trip on another date and for mil's birthday in September but not as well as the trip to France. He should choose. He scoffed and chose France of course. I said, "Fine but how many celebrations do you think we should have?"

Perhaps this holiday will be a real souring of relations. Shit. I'm not one to button my lip if someone p*sses me off.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2012 17:51

Let your DH sort the current storm.

Regarding the holiday then you are going to have to work on some serious Zen-like calm. If you have a row with PiL then there will be no escape. Would it help to think of that second week as being your (you and DH's) ruby wedding gift to your PiL? Do not think of it as your holiday! I have been on holiday with DM and PiL and we have said never, ever again.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 04/02/2012 17:53

Yes, we've said it's their ruby wedding gift and her 60th birthday gift as they are paying for nothing. I don't believe we've had a thank you yet either but then mil thinks she should come on every holiday with us. I suspect it'll be our last together...

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 04/02/2012 17:59

I'd be standing firm with your DH, refuse to engage with PIL and stuff MIL and her hissy fits.

That is her problem and she is using them to get everyone around her to do what SHE wants.

HoudiniHissy · 04/02/2012 18:00

I'd be cancelling the holiday too tbh. stuff the consequences. a week is an eternity with a pair like that!

WinkyWinkola · 04/02/2012 18:33

You're going on holiday with your pil? I pity you.

Dalrymps · 04/02/2012 18:48

They sound very like my parents. We don't have contact any more!

I would stick by dh and support whatever he wants to do. It's really important to present a united front. Also important to stand up to them and their emotional blackmail/bullying.

Good luck!

Jux · 04/02/2012 19:31

I think you did exactly the right thing - treated him like a toddler and gave him a choice. I think you'll have to do that a lot, come August.

Meanwhile, yes, just pass them on to dh and keep out of it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/02/2012 19:33

Itsgrimupnorth,

What Dalyrymps and the other respondents said.

Why do you think they're actually ok as people?. Is that because they are your DHs parents and that family should get along always?.

re your comment:-
"Well, we've agreed to go now and mil will literally collapse - and I mean into a juddering wreck on antidepressants - if we cancel"

That probably won't happen. You did not make her this way nor are you responsible for her actions. Your MIL is used to getting her own way and FIL has gone along with her excessive demands out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He sounds like a right piece of work as well; he is as dysfunctional as she is.

I would cancel this holiday with toxic PILs; its a recipe for disaster all round.

These people do not and will not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations; its either their way or not way.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 19:41

I don't really understand why your DH was so rude and aggressive about it, or why you weren't a bit nicer when the old man rang up when your DH was refusing to take his calls and he was trying to make up.

It really sounds like your DH has made a big row where there was no need for one.

Dalrymps · 04/02/2012 19:47

Shock AThingInYourLife Wow, you must be a really tolerant person.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 04/02/2012 19:51

Dh got angry after his dad lost his rag, saying he wasn't doing enough to celebrate their ruby wedding. Dh felt that taking them on holiday would be plenty and his dad was trying to male him feel bad about it. Plus his parents always defend his sister even though she is pretty unkind to them and has been rude to us frequently too.

I wasn't rude to fil. I listened to him but calmly told him how things stood with us. We aren't prepared to do everything they want us to.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 20:04

:o Dalrymps - far from it

ItsGrim - none of it's your fault, and I don't suppose there's a lot you can do. Families can be weird, and this one sounds more family than most.

I would encourage your DH not to hold onto his anger and not cancel all plans over this row.

MrsMcEnroe · 04/02/2012 20:07

"Do I just back off and just refuse to get involved and quietly support dh in whatever he decides?"

Yes.

Although I can't for the life of me imagine why you wanted to invite such self-centred, spoilt, needy people on holiday with you - you are a better woman than I am!

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 04/02/2012 20:16

I didn't want to. I just well, I felt they were expecting it. They brought up the idea of a long weekend away somewhere with dh's sister and her lot. Dh and I really didn't want to do that so we thought of a week in France.

Dreading it now. It will be the last time.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/02/2012 21:51

I'm not entirely sure that the holiday will be that much fun for the ILs as neither you nor their son seems to like them much.

WinkyWinkola · 04/02/2012 22:15

Poor old in laws being invited on a holiday free of charge. How they must suffer. Hmm

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/02/2012 22:20

What a pair of drama llamas.
Sounds as though you're handling them pretty well, though, as well as being very generous.
Hopefully they will learn something when they moan to other people about how you are only taking them on holiday to France to celebrate their anniversary. Luckily they have several months to get over this terrible blow you have dealt them.

SHThread · 04/02/2012 22:46

:( Your parents - in law are toxic.

GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2012 23:04

Having taken P/PiL on holiday a few times (note to self: never, ever again) I can honestly say that even if you normally get on really well then it acts as a fine reminder of why you left home!

IMO the important mindset is it's not about you. It is about PiL celebrating their ruby wedding anniversary. Dont engage with any disagreements. However, do plan long walks/drives with your DH (every day if possible). You will need to make sure you get some physical space from the PiL.

Good luck and remember you are storing up Brownie points in heaven!

CinnabarRed · 05/02/2012 03:07

I'm with ATIYL - your DH could have handled it better and avoided the row.

I also don't see why one more day out with your PILs and SIL - and to Chocolate World, which sounds quite fun - is such a big deal. The day out is clearly coming up soon, given that you know you have children's parties booked, and August is an age away. Are you really not going to acknowledge the anniversary or the birthday between now and then? If it had been my DH, I think he would have bitten the bullet and accepted the day out invitation with good grace as an inevitable part of the celebrations.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2012 04:27

This seems to be much more about DH and his sister's bad relationship than abut the PILs.

You and DH invited the ILs to France without the SIL and she then laid on the chocolate factory (or whatever) trip without asking you.

I don't think either of the siblings went to a whole lot of trouble about the wedding anniversary, and the whole family seems to be at each others' throats and very good at bearing grudges, much better than they are at civil communication and even polite marking of an anniversary on neutral ground, which is what your DH and his sister should do now. They should sit down together and arrange a family dinner somewhere, including all the grandchildren. I suggest a dinner with entertainment to prevent you all from stabbing each other with the cutlery. Then you can take them to France and the sister can take them on their merry way to Willy Wonka's.

Maybe that will stop the ILs whining about nobody marking their anniversary despite being taken to two places too. It will also mean you don't go to the chocolate extravaganza so you back up your DH, and it will make your DH and his sister behave themselves just for this one occasion, which will not come round again.

I hope it doesn't rain when you're in France.

MilkMonitor · 05/02/2012 05:55

Op, I think the fact you're taking them to France is doing plenty for their anniversary and your mil's birthday.

Gosh, people really do expect an awful lot from you, don't they? If it were me, I'd be so grateful my ds and his wife were taking me on holiday. And they would know I was grateful too.

Your pil sound very spoiled indeed to kick up a fuss like this.

As for the relationship between your dh and his sister, well, that's his business, not his parents or yours. If he doesn't want to see her for whatever reason, why should he have to suck up whatever plans she has laid without consulting him about venue or date.

You're doing plenty. Far more than most would.

Personally, I find the sense if entitlement over anniversaries and birthdays really brings out the worst in people.

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