Pil getting angry

[ItsGrimUpNorth]

Mil is 60 this year. And she and fil are celebrating their ruby wedding anniversary. They were talking about how to celebrate it. They don't want a party or anything like that. We suggested they come on holiday with us for a week in France in August as a celebration. They agreed. We're going for two, they'll join us for the second week.

Now I think they're ok as people. They're very needy, try and centre their lives around their grown up children and the gcs. Mil has never worked outside of the home, has had three or four nervous breakdowns because she says she doesn't see the gcs enough, can be very interfering, tells stupid fibs about ridiculous things, has bonkers logic and is big on emotional blackmail. Other than that, she's fine . Fil is a spoilt prince who dislikes anyone disagreeing with him but he's quite bright and can be entertaining.

So, this week away with them could be quite trying for me but seeing as it's such a big year for them, then why not? They never went away with their parents and the gcs. In fact, mil struggled to have her mil over for supper once in a while.

Anyway, it turns out they've organised an event - visiting some chocolate world thing - with dh's sister and they want us to go to that as well to celebrate their wedding anniversary. We said no because we were going to France with them, we will have just seen them two weeks before, dh doesn't particularly want to see his sister and we've already agreed to attend two children's parties that weekend. Now, if it were me, I'd've just said we were busy but dh really spelled it out to them which I think was unnecessary.

Fil went bonkers on the 'phone, saying this wedding anniversary was a one off, didn't dh care enough about them, he never sees his sister (dh replied his sister is a racist c* who never bothers to visit when she's down south anyway) and repeated that we were taking them to France this summer to celebrate and that was enough - they're not paying either, our treat. He then put the 'phone down on his dad, telling him he was a stupid old man. Yikes.

Next fil leaves two messages on dh's phone begging him not to turn his back on him, he loves him etc etc. Really heavy stuff. Dh wanted me to listen to them as he couldn't bear it, he was so angry with his dad for laying on the guilts about some stupid trip.

Then fil calls me on my phone and recounts the conversation back but only dh's words, not his. Basically looking for my support. I don't give it and reiterate what our position is but I feel really p*ssed off that he has tried to involve me against dh and that our taking them on holiday this summer just isn't enough for them. Grrrr. Dh wants to cancel the holiday, well, their part of it but I can't do that because it would make for really bad feeling but they are behaving like spoilt children.

Do I just back off and just refuse to get involved and quietly support dh in whatever he decides?

To be honest my family and friends arrange soemthing for a birthday and then arrange something else closer to the time after all money and plans have been arranged for the original plan and it pisses me off no end. It like a kindo f insecure status thing - demanding people come and celebrate YOU at your every beck and call.

Some relatives have a lovely knack of agreeing a restaurant for a bday ro something, and then changing it at the last mo to 'somewhere speshul', or even demanding we do 'something speshul' as well as the original plan as though it wasn't 'speshul' enough.

However, it doesn't kill me to attend.

Disclaimer: I have an xmas bday that people complain about doing ANYTHING for.

Your DH needs to suck it up and be a big boy. That does not involve rudeness to his father over the phone. This is the PILs' anniversary and it is not about how much he can't stand his sister. They need to arrange some symbolic event with the whole family together and they can go their separate ways after that. You can all grit your teeth and bear it for however long it is necessary to sit in the same room, eat a meal and pretend you like each other, because that is what grown ups do.

Although it is difficult to grit one's teeth and eat at the same time...

What Maths said.

This is clearly an important occassion for them. Is it really to big of a deal to go along with their wishes?

It is a nice thing you're doing, taking them on holiday, but I'm not at all sure they would want to go if they could read what you really think of them.

I just wish (and this isn't aimed at the OP specifically) that sometimes, some DiLs could imagine how they are going to feel in 20 years time when their DiLs are posting on Mumsnet.

too

I disagree math. Grown ups don't arrange something without consulting other grown ups about the date. And grown ups don't then throw a hissy fit when the date isn't a good one.

And grown ups certainly behave with far more grace if they are invited on a holiday. Which IMO is very generous of the op given how shirty and stress her pil sound.

And they sound greedy too.

And for that argument, "You'll be mils of the future," etc, that's as daft and lame as the argument "Aw, let your do what they want. They'll be dead one day and then you'll be sorry."

If you behave like a normal person, with grace and don't be so demanding of your grown up dcs, you will find that you get along just fine. If however, you start throwing hissy fits and guilt trips etc, you may find you are in fact a problem. A problem that most people would like to avoid.

That is not in reference to this case. It is a general statement.

Totally agree with winky.

If people act Appallingly most of the time just to get their own way, then no, they shouldn't be allowed to get away with that behaviour. Everybody should be nave as adults and be considerate, no matter who they are.

Constantly putting your grown up children through guilt trips and hissy fits is not way to behave.

Ops dh is trying to be a 'big boy', he's standing up for what he wants. The only reason it's causing such a problem is because his parents are so unreasonable that they can't accept anything other than things always being their way.

Ruby weeding or not, I'd bet that they're like this over every little thing, all the time. Enough is enough.

I don't get it, why should the OP or her DH spend time with someone they find offensive? I wouldn't want to and I'd especially want to keep my DC's away from someone racist - relative or not. It's not as if the OP and her DH are doing NOTHING to celebrate the ocassions.

One of the things that I've learnt to my great benefit on these boards is that people shouldn't be given free reign to behave badly just because they're relatives.

Why are people so keen to tell the OP otherwise?

Because there are lots of people who automatically side with gps or in laws regardless of the circumstances.

Id change the week they come to the 1st one-that way ye will still have a week after to recover and enjoy the holiday.
I think ye are being very good to do this. Id need to be sedated to have a meal with my in laws,it wasn't always that way but they are getting more awkward with age and at 70 have morphed into pil from hell !!!!!!

Think yourdh is lucky to have you

Winky, what I was suggesting was for the DH and his sister to arrange a third event such as a dinner (and split the cost), and to let the holiday stand (the PILs can go or be snotty and refuse, up to them) and the chocolate place trip too (with the DH and OP steering clear), not to go on the trip to the chocolate factory.

It was really high handed of the SIL to arrange this and assume DH and OP would just drop everything at short notice and go.

They do sound like hard work.

But it's easier to give people like this a little sop that is no skin off your nose than to drag out the fight as a matter of principle. It's a fight that is not winnable. Plus they can't reasonably keep on complaining if they get a nice dinner or something along those lines, with the family all there paying them homage.

Not that that would stop them in all likelihood but OP could throw it back at them if they got stroppy.

Actually Math, I think we will do that. They're down again in a couple of weeks. We could take them out for dinner then.

Dh's sister wouldn't come. She lives up north with her dh and dcs. She often comes down south to visit relatives but never us. One of the many reasons my dh finds her offensive.

I do dread when fil retires because I thnk he'll get bored like mil has been for 20 years and their demands will escalate hugely.

Anyway, I'm sure there are far worse behaved people out there.

But there is something special about your very own badly behaved people, isn't there...

Noooooooooooooooo!

I can't stand the drama it all brings. So tedious.