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Original poster

Think it may be over with DH......

65 replies

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 22/01/2006 09:42

but he won't talk to me about it.

Had a silly argument with DH last night just before I went to work - nothing major, or unusual just what I thought was one of our silly little 'spats'.

20 minutes later just as my shift had started he sent me a text saying

"If you are fed up of me and want to end this relationship just say so and stop messsing me around. You say you love me but act the complete opposite because words are easy. Maybe we should just stop making each other unhappy and wasting each other's time......"

I tried to call him for the rest of the night (well until about 12.30 when he usually goes to bed). But he ignored all my texts and phone calls - to all 3 of his phones.

He came downstairs a short while ago and I thought he'd asked me to turn the volume down on the TV - as he went straight back up to bed. But after he came down and I tried to ask him what was going on, whether he still loved me, whether he wants to end the relationship and if there's someone else (I don't think so but could be wrong) he just completely flipped and started having a go at me. Telling me to wait until I'd been to church and that he'd "come downstairs to help me" as "apparently" he'd said that I could leave the boys at home.......

Anyhow, he's refusing to talk, and I just keep reading the text as

"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore".

I'm wondering if all those times he's said he's loved me it's just been (in his word) easy words.

I'm supposed to go church in a few minutes (to play the organ), but I'm crying and don't know what the hell is going on here.

What am I going to do if he wants to finish it? The house is in his name, I'd have to give up work (as I work nights which would be impossible to fit in with childcare) so wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere.

God I don't even know if this makes any sense. At least I guess I've got some of it off my chest.

He's allowed to send me a text like that at 10pm last night and ignore my calls and texts and refuse to talk until after 11.30 this morning, but I'm not allowed to know what's going on. I'm going to be even more tired by lunchtime

I've got to go now. they won't be happy at church if the organist doesn't turn up

OP posts:
Freckle · 22/01/2006 09:46

Sounds like you need to communicate more - easily said when he's ignoring you, I know. Clearly something is going on with him (not necessarily an affair) which is stressing him out.

Firstly, don't worry about where you might live. Even if the house is in his name, you have rights. Take a deep breath and see what he says when you get home.

AlmostAnAngel · 22/01/2006 09:47

oh hun sure the church can do without you for one day they can practice singing without the organ for once ..you need to talk

foundintranslation · 22/01/2006 09:49

Oh QoQ
FWIW, from an outsider's perspective, that kind of language sounds more like exhaustion, depression and/or profound fed-up-ness talking than a real desire to leave. You have both been through the mill lately and it may all feel a bit too much for him at this particular moment. Could he be depressed?
My dh does the stonewalling thing sometimes, refusing to talk when I'm desperate for him to. I know how frustrating it is . He's also been really unpleasant to me a couple of times lately and I think he's pretty frustrated about a few things in our life and marriage (none of which are permanent, just things arising from our current situation) and is having trouble 'accessing' it to deal with it iyswim, so he lashes out a bit. Could that sort of thing be it?
Don't know what else to advise really.

foundintranslation · 22/01/2006 09:50

Had he had something to drink when he wrote the text QoQ?

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 09:53

I think you two have had a lot of stress in your relationship. Maybe it's catching up w/him. But that doesn't necessarily mean an end to your marriage. How about some space? If he won't talk about it, would it be possible to leave it for a few days till he comes round?

MarsOnLife · 22/01/2006 09:56

I think that FIT is right.

Difficult to do I know, but try not to worry quite so much about it just yet. Have your normal day (if you can bear to).

Don't talk about the "issues" just yet. Allow some breathing space for you both, even though everything in you wants to drag it out of him.

Take some really deep breaths. Later when you are feeling a bit calmer, preferably when the kids are in bed, or completely out of the way, ask him to explain his text. Don't accuse, shout or cry. Try to remain calm.

If it is exhaustion, depression etc I think you'll begin to recognise that.

Not sure what else to say at this moment, but thinking about you.

my3kids · 22/01/2006 10:00

sit him down and talk about it ..the longer it goes on the worse u will feel ...looks like he is making u suffer and like watching u be upset....

take no crap
talk to him

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 10:01

I agree w/Mars.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/01/2006 10:03

It sounds like you need to rethink how you (both) argue, and deal with conflict? Is relate or similar an option?

For what it's worth, his text sounds to me like someone who's worried you want to go, not someone who wants to leave himself.

spacecadet · 22/01/2006 10:03

QOQ, my dh is leaving me today so i know what you atre feeling.
is it possible that your dh is depressed or is something going on in his life that is possibly causing him stress?
can anyone look after the children so that you can sit down and talk.
tbh, i could be wrong but it doesnt sound to me as though he is saying he doesnt love you.
you need to talk.
how do you feel about him? do you love him?

cathyspam · 22/01/2006 10:04

sorry, nothing to add to all the good advice already given but would like to send a hug ((((hugs))))

Beetroot · 22/01/2006 10:24

In your OP yo said tha if he leaves you you will have to give up work and will have nowhere to live. Is that all you are worried about? YOu don'tmentoin love ?

Amateurpsych · 22/01/2006 10:26

Reading his text. it doesn't sound to me like he wants to leave you. It sounds as if he thinks you are not acting towards him in a way that is working for him (I'm sure this goes both ways.....) and that he is frustrated.

  • Men generally say what they mean, without a subtext. They are quite simple creatures. If your DH flipped out after he came downstairs that he was trying to help you - again this says to me he doesn't want to leave, but that the two of you are not reading each other right.
  • You have probably spent the last few hours (by the time you read this) going crazy in your mind with every possibility. Every chance your DH will just have been a bit pi**ed off generally during that time and won't understand why you are so all over the place.

The best advice I can give is that, when you do talk to him later, start by telling him that you are upset, you worry that he will leave you (because you love him and don't want to be without him) but that, if he says this isn't the case, then fair enough, but you want to concentrate on understanding where he is coming from. Then genuinely do that.

I hope it goes well, lol to you.

Bugsy2 · 22/01/2006 11:01

HRHQOQ, this is not a man who doesn't still love you. His text screams to me, that he doesn't think you love him!!! He sounds (from the very brief summary you've given) tired and fed up.
I'm with Mars on this. I think you should make a major effort to hold it together today. Push your panicky thoughts to the back of your head - because they are not achieving anything and just unecessarily stressing you out. Try and have a fun Sunday with the children and your dh & suggest to him that it would be good to have a talk about things, would he like to suggest a time that would work well for both of you?

Aloha · 22/01/2006 11:08

Agree with Bugsy. The arguments probably upset him more than you think. What you think are spats are probably cutting him deep. I have been surprised myself in the past by how upset men are by arguments that I have forgotten the next day.
I think he means exactly what he said - he loves you but doesn't feel loved or happy atm (or rather, at the moment he sent the text). As others have said you are all under a lot of strain atm, which can't be helping.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 11:16

If you have to talk, try bringing it up as, 'I'm upset that you feel I don't love you, b/c obviously you've gotten that idea from my behaviour and I need to know from where so we can try to work this out.'

You are active in your church. Well, you know that God is here throughout this and wouldn't want you to give up on your marriage this quickly. Have you had some time alone to pray/meditate about your marriage?

If you need to vent, do it here, b/c it sounds like he needs some space at the 'mo.

Aero · 22/01/2006 11:21

Yes QoQ - I would agree with fit, mars etc and don't think this sounds like serious leaving talk. Sorry it's been so tough for you all over the last long while, but I think for sure you need to talk as the lines of communication seem to be strained to say the least. Your dh needs to realise this too so you can find a starting point. He does sound low, just by the language in his text and it seems trying to punish you in some way by not replying, but more in a 'throwing the toys out of the cot' way than a serious bid to end your marriage.
I was surprised this was your thread as I've always deemed your relationship to be strong, and I think, underneath all this, it probably still is, but you have some things to work through together.

I hope things work out - honestly, I do.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 11:22

Same here, Aero. QofQ, it sounds like you two still have a lot of love for each other.

Original poster
HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 22/01/2006 12:01

Thanks for all the posts. Of course I still love him, but at the end of the day if he's really unhappy and wants to end it then it would hardly be fair on him for me to force us to stay together.

I'm back from church now, now he says he wants to talk once DS2 has gone to bed.......after 1pm - which is all very well for him - but I worked last night, so have been up since yesterday afternoon.

REALLY don't want to go to sleep until I find out what's going on. He always talks cryptically - he's not a 'typical' man in that sense. So the text could mean anything. I'm 99.99% certain he wasn't drunk when he sent the text. For starters he only sent it 20 minutes after I left the house, and secondly he hadn't had anything to drink before I left - so don't really see how he could have drunk in such a short space of time - plus hardly any alcohol has gone out of the house.

Usually if we've had an argument before one of us goes out, he'll answer the phone quite happily - infact he ALWAYS answers the phone - so as you can probably imagine I've been thinking the worst since 10pm (well about 10.20 when I got to read the text) last night .

Now of course I have to stay awake to 'talk' about it - which will probably mean him telling me everything I've said/done wrong in the last 24hrs and not wanting to realise that some of it could actually be down to him. He knows that if we talk about it after 1 this afternoon that means I'm only going to get about 3 (if that) hours sleep this afternoon, as I'll have to be up to cook dinner. He does most things around the house if asked/needed except for cooking.

He's sat downstairs playing with the boys atm, and I'm sat up here on my own.

OP posts:
Beetroot · 22/01/2006 12:03

I woudl go to bed

spacecadet · 22/01/2006 12:05

qoq, i really dont think he has fallen out of love with you,that text sounded like a desperate stab at getting you to take notice.
if you are shattered its probaly counter productive to try and talk now, can you talk once youve had some sleep? explain to hin you need to sleep first.

MarsOnLife · 22/01/2006 12:17

go to bed qoq.

If you really can't sleep, put the meat in the oven and ask him to turn it off when ready. Then GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!

You really need to get some rest because there is no way that you will be able to respond to him rationally whilst you are so tired.

Original poster
HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 22/01/2006 12:21

we don't have a "Roast" on a sunday - so it's a meal that will need cooking from scratch.

OP posts:
MarsOnLife · 22/01/2006 12:28

Well whatever it is that you are planning to cook, make it a one pot meal.

But the point is NOT what you are cooking, but that you get some sleep. NOW preferably. And if, only if you can't sleep, put the dinner in the oven and ask him to turn it off. Then go BACK TO BED and read or sleep. Whatever it is, relax. Then when you have to talk you won't have to waste time on food prep.

Original poster
HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 22/01/2006 12:28

and if I did ask him to do something it would probably escalte things further - I said I was going to put something in the slow cooker when I got back from work - so I didn't have to worry about dinner. Of course I forget/didn't have time to soak the beans last night - so have nothing to put in it.

OP posts: