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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think it may be over with DH......

65 replies

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 22/01/2006 09:42

but he won't talk to me about it.

Had a silly argument with DH last night just before I went to work - nothing major, or unusual just what I thought was one of our silly little 'spats'.

20 minutes later just as my shift had started he sent me a text saying

"If you are fed up of me and want to end this relationship just say so and stop messsing me around. You say you love me but act the complete opposite because words are easy. Maybe we should just stop making each other unhappy and wasting each other's time......"

I tried to call him for the rest of the night (well until about 12.30 when he usually goes to bed). But he ignored all my texts and phone calls - to all 3 of his phones.

He came downstairs a short while ago and I thought he'd asked me to turn the volume down on the TV - as he went straight back up to bed. But after he came down and I tried to ask him what was going on, whether he still loved me, whether he wants to end the relationship and if there's someone else (I don't think so but could be wrong) he just completely flipped and started having a go at me. Telling me to wait until I'd been to church and that he'd "come downstairs to help me" as "apparently" he'd said that I could leave the boys at home.......

Anyhow, he's refusing to talk, and I just keep reading the text as

"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore".

I'm wondering if all those times he's said he's loved me it's just been (in his word) easy words.

I'm supposed to go church in a few minutes (to play the organ), but I'm crying and don't know what the hell is going on here.

What am I going to do if he wants to finish it? The house is in his name, I'd have to give up work (as I work nights which would be impossible to fit in with childcare) so wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere.

God I don't even know if this makes any sense. At least I guess I've got some of it off my chest.

He's allowed to send me a text like that at 10pm last night and ignore my calls and texts and refuse to talk until after 11.30 this morning, but I'm not allowed to know what's going on. I'm going to be even more tired by lunchtime

I've got to go now. they won't be happy at church if the organist doesn't turn up

OP posts:
LemonTart · 22/01/2006 12:30

you poor thing. You must be feeling horrendous right now.
Personally I can?t stand secrets and problems and have to have it out right there and now. I doubt you will be able to sleep knowing this is hanging over you so I wonder whether it would be of real benefit delaying this. If you get it all out in the open, deal with it all, then at least you can rest afterwards knowing the full picture.
I couldn?t even sit upstairs waiting for 1pm - would be down there right now organising an early nap by half an hour for DS and getting on with dealing with it all. But then we are all different If sleeping first would help you cope better overall, then maybe it would be best to put him off.. Only you have the answer there xx

MarsOnLife · 22/01/2006 12:31

qoq.....GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sod the friggin' dinner. You can make something simple for the kids when you get up.

What I'm trying and trying to say is... you need your rest. Please don't put things in the way of your rest and GO TO BED! Tiredness and frustration will end up getting the best of you and it won't be a productive talk.

pebblemum · 22/01/2006 13:13

I just want to say that the text you were sent last night is very similar to what I said to my dh earlier today (long story) But you have proved by your reaction that you do love your husband and would be heartbroken if he did leave and I expect your husband sent the text as a way of letting you know that he is upset about something and that maybe he needs reassurance of your feelings. I know that was what prompted me to say it. Unfortunatley I didnt get the same reaction your dh did and now do not know if i will see or hear from dh again.

I think you should try to have a sleep before talking to your dh as if you are tired there is a chance things may be said in the heat of the moment and that you regret later. It sounds like you both still love each other but need to communicate more. I hope it all works out for you both

LemonTart · 22/01/2006 13:17

pebblemum are you ok? Have you got anyone around supporting you?

pebblemum · 22/01/2006 13:33

I'm ok. I've done my crying, now just concentrating on the kids.

Its QoQ im worried about. My marriage has been strained for a while and in a way I should have expected that reaction from dh but I guess I was hoping he would actually open up, declare his love for me and he would realise he doesnt want to lose me.

I think that maybe thats the reaction QoQ's dh wanted when he sent that text only he went the wrong way about it when he didnt give her a chance to answer. Im hoping things work out better for them

spacecadet · 22/01/2006 13:35

pebblemum, im so sorry{{hugs}}}

pebblemum · 22/01/2006 13:41

Thanks Spacecadet, I have seen on other threads that you have been having bad time of it too. Sorry Men are shits aren't they? Think most of us would be better off without them, for all the hurt they cause!

i suppose there must be some good ones out there judging by some of the posts on mn but they must all be taken

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 14:33

I'd venture to guess that all these issues have to deal w/BOTH of you being exhausted, overworked and stressed about finances.

But it doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, especially b/c it seems as if you two still love each other a lot.

Keep us posted and use us to vent away!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/01/2006 14:49

Oh QoQ!

I agree with the others that it sounds like he is fed up/stressed/down and the text was a "get out of jail free" card - he thinks you've had enough. AND/OR he is feeling terribly neglected because he doesnt see much of you.

Anyway, the first thing to do is to go to bed and get some rest, you wont be able to get your head round things if you are so tired.

Original poster
HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 22/01/2006 15:38

thanks for all your messages.

We'll we've had a chat - well 1 1/2hr discussion at the table actually.

Feared the worst when he sat down and said we've got 3 options

  1. Keep things as they are now
  2. Try and work them out, if you want to,
  3. Call it quits.

Thankfully he then went on to say he thought no.2 was the best option. And despite some slightly 'heated' moments, we've just spent 1 1/2hr starting to iron out the 'key' issues affecting us ATM.

Communication
Chores (sounds dreadful I know - but it was more of a 'how are we splitting them now you're working)
Money (that was actually the best bit! - we realised that if our calculations are correct - at the end of next month we should have £100 left over !
Sex (or cuddles as we called it as DS1 (5yrs old) was within earshot) - it was all in rather 'coded' messages, than bit.

Although a lot of the way through it rather felt like a "things QoQ should do to improve our relationship" when we summed up our dicussion at the end he did include things he should do too.

It was lovely to know that when I was feeling so awful this morning I could post here and get some sympathetic replies. You were all right (as always ) and it wasn't as I'd interpreted it at all.

But I've been naughty - I haven't been to bed - and shan't until tonight

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 15:51

Too bad you don't live closer, QofQ, cuz I'd offer to sit for your kids whilst you two went out. You two are in bad need of a 'date'!

I'm glad you have both decided to try to work it out. There's just too much worth saving to go the other way. I mean, you've got a lovely little family together.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 15:52

Remember, mumsnet = vent here.

Pruni · 22/01/2006 15:55

Message withdrawn

Lonelymum · 22/01/2006 15:59

QofQ, I wondered how prominently "cuddles" would feature in your discussion, given what you have discolsed here on Mumsnet in the past. As somone who understands your position on that issue (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more...) if there is any support I can give in that area, I would be happy to do so.

Glad you had the talk anyway. It sounds like you can resolve this one if you want to.

Sallystrawberry · 22/01/2006 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foundintranslation · 22/01/2006 16:14

Glad you've had that talk and that your worst fears have not materalised, QoQ.

pebblemum · 22/01/2006 16:59

Glad everything is OK now.

at least you have got everything out in the open and know how each other is feeling.

Amateurpsych · 22/01/2006 18:40

Logged on to see how it went. So glad you had a good talk (and to cover so many of the "biggies" in one conversation {impressed emoticon...} is a pretty good sign.

X

LemonTart · 22/01/2006 19:33

Just logged back on - worried about you, QoQ. Really really pleased that you had your chat and it was constructive
Maybe if more of us stopped and admitted to each other how bad it was getting at the stage when we still have the desire and energy to do something together to sort it out, more of us would find a way through the downs. Truly hope that this is the beginning of a new chapter for you both and can move forward together
Pebble - you take care xx

rummum · 22/01/2006 19:38

Glad you've both had time to chat

jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 22/01/2006 19:38

Saw this earlier and didnt know what to say. Really pleased everything is getting back on track. One day at a time hun, and remember, no matter how tough things get, there is always each other. (thats how i get through anyway!)

me23 · 22/01/2006 19:40

it really good to hear things turned out well for you QoQ

pebblemum · 22/01/2006 20:03

Thanks lemontart

MarsOnLife · 22/01/2006 20:08

Well done qoq. Glad to see that you managed to have a good chat and that you've both managed to agree what you both need from each other.

Try and round up a few of your church teenagers for babysitting. It doesn't have to be long babysits. Maybe you have a couple of friends with teens that could sit so that you and your DH could go for a walk, to the cinema, for a pizza... anything. If I were close enough I'd give you one of mine.

Still.... glad you had a good chat. Try and get an early night.

anorak · 22/01/2006 20:14

Life is terribly hard and full for people with small children, jobs, commitments (such as yours to your church) - sometimes we don't have a moment left to pay attention to our relationship. Then something happens to remind you that that's the reason for all the other stuff. Perhaps your DH has done something good for both of you by forcing you to talk about it.

Think he could have brought the subject up a more peaceable way, certainly, but perhaps he didn't really understand what was bothering him until he explained it to you! It happens to me a lot.

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