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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found our my Husbands been cheating. Wtf do I do now?

59 replies

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 03/02/2012 09:41

I started a thread last night about finding suspect pics on our laptop.

Checked DH phone this morn and there's messages arranging to meet up. 'morning babes' 'I like your jobs' 'the wife won't be coming' 'xxx' etc etc

Gone through his phone book and there's some girls names I don't know.

Rang the girl who had been texting and said the knows 'nowt' 'I haven't done anything'. Then she's text me saying they havent done anything but send a couple if pics. My husband is not happy. Not her problem.

Confronted husband. Admits texts obviously. Denies doing anything-like sex etc. very sorry. Tears from him. Only me he wants. He was stupid-the usual baloney you'd hear on a holly oaks storyline.

I will never believe a word he says ever again. We have been together 13 years, married 12. I'm 30 years old. We have a five year old son and a seven month old son. I'm not a complete minger. Thought we had a happy life together. I would have trusted him with my life.

What do I do now?

Meeting a friend as I'm going to explode and we've got the baby at home. So I've come out. But my whole world has collapsed

OP posts:
salmonskinroll · 03/02/2012 09:47

So sorry Sad how horrible.

They may not have done anything sexual, but don't rule it out. Get yourself checked.

Good you're seeing a friend to offload x

fiventhree · 03/02/2012 09:53

Oh dear. Other names you dont recognise?

This could be the tip of an iceberg, in that there have been others and this has gone on for some time.

Maybe not, but it is rare man in my experience who admits that the one thing you have discovered is not the only thing which has gone on.

Poor you. You must feel in shock, and devastated.

PostBellumBugsy · 03/02/2012 10:31

OMG, poor you - what a hideous shock. I'm glad you have a friend coming around.

You don't have to do anything in a hurry. Pause for breath & take your time. If your brain is fried from the shock of it all, don't let him try to railroad you into making any decisions. Take it at your own pace. That could be kicking him out right now this minute, or it could be that he sleeps on the sofa until you know what you want to do. Whatever it is, you decide & in your own time too.

LadyMedea · 03/02/2012 10:56

The website www.surivinginfidelity.com is full of resources and a very active forum where you'll get support and advice from people in the same boat.

I'd keep digging as well... most cheaters deny, deny, deny..... demand total transparency from your DH, convince him that you have to know the full story or you can't make a decision about your future.

BayPolar · 03/02/2012 11:02

So sad for you.
So many men are such pricks these days because the internet makes all these sluts available to them.

fiventhree · 03/02/2012 11:20

The internet is better than that, Baypolar, as it can allow them to present themselves as single.

Great for catching them out, though, too!www.mumsnet.com/te/1.gif

fiventhree · 03/02/2012 11:21

How the hell do you use these icons- smilies and suchlike- just dragged the url instead!

misty0 · 03/02/2012 11:29

Boys - i'm so sorry to hear this (hug)

I've been thinking about your earlier thread and was actually coming on to offer support and say i thought you should give him the benefit of the doubt ..... how shocking this must be for you.

You were very helpfull to me recently on a thread and i feel very Sad for you. Stay strong, be good to yourself, and surround yourself with friends and family for support right now.

LadyMedea · 03/02/2012 11:34

For smilies just type whatever is after the image in the smilies list below Grin

fiventhree · 03/02/2012 11:37

;)

and
:( for you OP. What a shit he is.

AttillaTheMum · 03/02/2012 11:46

Sad I have had the same thing so I kind of know how you feel, difference is DH told me because he felt so guilty and it was right at the beginning of the relationship. I think without these two factors I couldn't have moved on. He was suitably sorry and he chose to tell me, I never would have known. Regardless of this I still struggle sometimes because the potential is there IMO. I think you new to decide what you want to do (forgive if he does x or leave if he doesn't) before you go forward otherwise it is too easy to change your min then Be miserable Sad

Original poster
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 03/02/2012 12:42

Thanks for all your input.

Glad I've seen my friend and gathered my thoughts. Going home now to face him.

I'd just like to know the truth but think he is doing damage limitation as we speak.

Thanks misty0.

I just don't see how I could ever trust a word he says ever again. I can't imagine wondering and worrying all the time with what he's doing. Who he's talking to etc. but I never wanted to bring my kids up on a family where the parents are separated.

I feel I have to decide what's best for me or what's best for the kids. It so hard

OP posts:
misty0 · 03/02/2012 15:03

Boys - i can remember thinking along the same lines when i was trying to prepare to leave my ex. 'Best for me' felt selfish and the total opposite of what is 'best for the kids'.

However I can say with confidence that, in fact, what's best for you is best for the kids too. They will not be blissfully happy and unaware of your distress if you try to stay in a disfunctional relationship 'for their sake'.

What ever you decide to do (and i'd like to say i really hope you can work out a way to get through this with your DH) your kids will be ok. Honestly. There will be a period of termoil if you separate, of course, but in the long run your happiness is the key to theirs, and they'll still have their parents - just not in the same house.

Hope you're doing ok.

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/02/2012 15:04

What a shit he is Sad

Glad you have RL friends to talk to. You need to look after yourself and have lots of space and time to think things through and to recover from the shock.

Remember this is not about you - its all about your H, his weaknesses and issues so do not let him blame you for any of this. He chose to do these things and he chose to destroy what you both have built up together Sad

Your H has got a lot of hard work to do if he is truly committed to helping you and the marriage to recover - I would recommend reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 03/02/2012 15:29

It is just sinking in and now I can't stop crying.
I can't believe that less 24 hours ago my world was perfect, and now it's gone.
Course I believe I had something to do with it. A happy husband wouldn't stray, would he? I just can't believe how naive I have been to trust someone so completely. I'm an utter fool.

And I can assure you if I didn't have children with him I wouldn't think twice about kicking him out. But my parents separated when I was young and I always wanted us to be a family together. But how can I live with him when I can't trust him?

OP posts:
Sapphirefling · 03/02/2012 15:35

First of all - you do NOT blame yourself for any of this. He may not have been happy, but only lying cheats try to cure their unhappiness by cheating on their spouses. YOU have not made him behave in this way and although inevitably, there will be someone who tells you that you should have worn more lippy or provided sex on tap, YOU are not to blame for any of this.
There are lots of people who have been through this, and whatever path you chose to take, there will be plenty of support.

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/02/2012 15:47

Believe me, men stray because they wanted to and/or because they could - if he had a problem with you or the marriage, he could have chosen other routes - talking to you, suggesting relate and investing more time and energy into the relationship etc. Instead he decided to be a selfish weak cowardly cheater.

I understand what you say about your children.

Trust usually comes if he is truly remorseful, open and transparent about his actions but that is a long way ahead and even then you will never have the same blind trust (no bad thing though).

misty0 · 03/02/2012 16:14

Are you all together in the house tonight boys, or will you ask him to stay elsewhere?

As other posters have wisely said this is not your fault at all. He has behaved awfully. If he was having difficulties with his relationship with you he should have talked them through with you. Not this.

Look after yourself, and give yourself a little time before making any drastic decisions either way.

Hattytown · 03/02/2012 16:48

Of course 'happy husbands' stray!

I'd imagine that very few mens' affairs these days are borne out of desperate unhappiness. No-one has to stay married if they are miserable after all. Often affairs are more about opportunity and a belief that the cheater won't get caught.

If you thought your marriage was happy and your husband wasn't telling you anything different, don't make assumptions about anything.

In the extremely unlikely event that he belatedly confesses his cleverly disguised marital misery and offers it as an excuse for his behaviour, as others have said, he had other choices.

You haven't said what you're dealing with here though. It sounded from your OP more like dating sites/escorts than a relationship with one woman. Posters' advice will be different depending on the type of cheating involved and you need to know it all before making any decisions.

Don't stay in this marriage just because you've got children. I understand why that makes a big difference to you, but you'll regret it later on. I'd suggest asking him to leave once you feel you've got the whole story and then take your time with a decision about what you do next.

KatieScarlett2833 · 03/02/2012 17:11

He told the common bitch that he wasn't happy with you?

Treacherous bastard.

Hattytown · 03/02/2012 17:17

He might not have told the woman that. But women who get involved with married men like to jump to that conclusion, because it eases their conscience and lets them make duff rationalisations like "If it wasn't me, it would be someone else, so I might as well...."

Original poster
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 03/02/2012 17:52

The message I read went along the lines of this

Husband - morning babe xx
Hoar - morning x x
Ho- still want to meet
Hu- yeah
Ho -what about the wife
Hu -she won't be coming lol
Ho- no I mean what will you say
Ho- you don't have to meet if you don't want to
Hu- no I can meet
Hu- I like your jobs
Hoar- when shall we meet

That was sent between them yesterday. There is also two pics on our laptop which are off his phone of a woman he went to school with. He's logged into fb today and I've seen they were pics off a public profile. But that's not the point.

There are other numbers of women in his phone. And women he has removed from fb.

The best I can hope for is that something went on between him and ho and they were arranging to meet again. That's my 'best' option.

However, he's denying anything happened. Just feel like its damage limitation for him though

OP posts:
JoantheFennel · 03/02/2012 17:58

You need to decide what you want now. Tell the bank to make your account joint signatory.

KatieScarlett2833 · 03/02/2012 18:23

The intent was there, it's just as bad.

fiventhree · 03/02/2012 18:33

Why has he deleted so much from facebook right now?

Also, re other peoples points about why-

I thought the Willard Harley book 'His needs, her needs' was quite good at explaining to me why men can stay and do this- some of their key emotional needs they see as being met by the wife well (eg domestic support, friendship, family), in alot of marriages, and others (eg hot sex and/or admiration, for example, elsewhere).

So these men take some things from one place and another from elsewhere, imagining that either it wont catch up with them, or it might, but then it wouldnt sufficiently upset the applecart.