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Original poster

DH told me "not to make him have to lie to me" about going to the gym

85 replies

LoveInAColdClimate · 01/02/2012 12:48

I don't really know what to think about this.

DH and I are expecting our first baby next month.

DH currently goes to the gym a lot, about 4 or 5 times a week. He also works very long hours (generally about 8-8, but often longer, and generally once or twice a month until the early hours of the morning or all night). He's actually been a little bit quieter since Christmas but I'm sure he'll be back to his usual hours again soon.

We have had lots of discussions about the fact that life will be hard for me with a small baby, no family nearby, and him working long hours plus spending several hours a week at the gym. I have said to him that if he spends, say, 6 hours a week at the gym, it's really only fair if I get a similar amount of free time (and that that time needs to be at appropriate hours of the day - he can't say "but you had a two hour break between 2am and 4am"). I have also pointed out that if he doesn't get home until 9 after the gym, he won't really see the baby.

I think he agrees in principle, but seems really reluctant to actually reduce his time at the gym. This morning we were talking about it and he told me not to put pressure on him over the issue as "he didn't want to have to start lying to me about going to the gym" - ie that he would go anyway and just tell me he'd been in a meeting or whatever. I got really upset and he tried to make out that it had been a joke, but I don't think it was.

I really feel for him, as he's lost a lot of weight through a mixture of diet and exercise, and is really worried about putting it all back on. But I am also really scared and upset by what he said about lying. I feel very vulnerable being so heavily pregnant and with my family five hours away.

Any thoughts? Please tell me that once the baby actually arrives this will be ok and he'll want to see me and the baby rather than spend time at the gym...

OP posts:
Scorpette · 01/02/2012 14:56

OP, your DH is being selfish; hopefully only because he is deluded about the huge change having a new baby naturally causes. It does seem, as others have said, that he thinks that his life will continue as normal except for being able to cuddle a cute baby now and then at the weekends. Have you actually asked him if he genuinely thinks it's acceptable that he leaves you all day with the baby and has zero interaction with it and gives you no respite? Have you explained that that's what his plans will actually entail?

You need to dig deeper and find out if he's just being clueless or a selfish twat. If he's just clueless, then there is hope but if he just thinks you'll be happily at home all day and night with no help, no break, very little adult company, etc., then you need some Serious Words.

Also, a few thoughts on other things you've touched on:

Is his determination to go to the gym about maintaining fitness or specifically Going To The Gym? If it's about fitness, then could he maybe cycle to and from work, or walk or part-walk and take the bus the rest of the way? Work out in his lunch hour? Things like that. If he's insisting he has to go to the gym and refuses to be flexible about finding ways to find a compromise then that's something else to have Serious Words about.

Are his contracted hours 8-8 or is he a bit of a workaholic or self-employed? Such long hours are not really compatible with a fulfilling family life. Obviously, I'm only going on what you've been saying, but he does sound like someone who has a bit of an issue about behaving compulsively (working far more hours than necessary, 'has' to do huge amount of gym-going, is particularly defensive, secretive and refusing to change if challenged or asked to compromise).

Finally, most baby swimming classes don't take babies until they're 4-6 months at the earliest, so don't pin your hopes on that as a form of a break straightaway. Also, your baby might hate it. And, I don't know where you live, but there are no weekend baby swimming classes anywhere in my local area (my DP fancied taking our DS), so that could make it a no-go too.

You've spotted a potential problem before it happens, which is good. Now both of you need to work out some plans... Which will proably go awry as soon as that lovely baby is in your arms. Such is life!

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 01/02/2012 14:59

Could he compromise with the type of exercize? Maybe do three evenings a week at the gym (after work) and then one night a week he comes home, does bed bath etc and then after baby is settled and you've had a couple of hours while he does this, he could go out for a run? Similarly, he could get up one morning on the weekend, do the early bottle (eg) re-settle the LO and then go to the gym then. Leave baby and you asleep?

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/02/2012 15:27

I'm with Windsor - your H sounds entitled (why are his needs more important than yours and the baby's??) and the comment about lying is another red flag, who does he think he is, expecting little wifey to bend over backwards to accomodate all his needs and be submissive....

GnomeDePlume · 01/02/2012 18:03

How about coming to an agreement with your DH that for now the gym is fine but that you both discuss again when your DC arrives during paternity leave? Agree that if you then decide that the gym is not fitting in with family life that he looks at alternatives but that this is done without sulking/huffy face/sighing/making comments like 'do you want me to get fat again?' By the same token once you have agreed you are also not permitted sulking/sighing etc etc.

We certainly had no idea about babies until our first arrived and undoubtedly made all sorts of assumptions about the baby fitting in with us and not the other way around (I type this surrounded by a heap of the DC's laundry).

LAlady · 01/02/2012 18:11

My gym's crèche takes babies from 6 weeks.

albertswearingen · 01/02/2012 18:11

It maybe that he is addicted to exercise and the thought of actually not doing it is making him anxious. I know a few people like this- all who have lost weight. They literally put exercise before anything else and fail to have any perspective when it comes to missing it or reorganising it or doing any alternative activities. He will have to change when the baby comes but it may not be as simple as him being unrealistic or selfish.

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/02/2012 18:16

Well my DH works very long hours and does a lot of cycling - very much to stay healthy and stress busting as Rhubarb mentioned. Is there anway your DH could incorporate somethign like cycling into his regime - so he commutes by bike a couple of days which wouldn't eat into his time quite so much.

And even if he's home late - he'll still see the baby - unless you have one that goes to bed at 7pm from early days which I've never had.

Good luck and yes - do make sure you get some time off at the weekend although I know this is easier said than done if you're bf a newborn.

Squitten · 01/02/2012 18:19

I think my reaction would be not to press too much on making arrangements about what he should do before the baby is there and you see how things pan out.

But I would be making it absolutely crystal clear that having a baby is a life-changing event - for BOTH parents and that you are not going to sitting at home doing it all while he carries on undisturbed. I would also be telling him straight that lying about his activities in order to avoid having to deal with his family will not be tolerated in any way.

clam · 01/02/2012 18:34

"Don't make him lie to you?"
Seriously? I too would be worried about that.
I think you need to find out exactly how committed he is to the realities of having a child. Initially at least, you're going to be a SAHM, but that's whilst he's working. Leisure activities need to be negotiated between the two of you - that's not to say you're attempting to control him, but from the moment this baby arrives, his hobbies are going to be at your expense (as in you'll be holding the fort at home) and vice versa, so it's only fair to ensure BOTH of you are happy with how any free time is divided up.
Get this sorted now - in principle if not in detail, as you don't know what sort of baby you're going to end up with. But even in the best-case scenario, you don't want to be left holding the baby, literally, whilst he "swans off" doing his own thing. Don't let him scare you off from objecting by accusing you of being controlling. I presume he wanted a child as much as you did?

frankie76 · 01/02/2012 18:42

Sorry but he needs to grow up - doesn't he want to see his baby ?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 18:48

what is this "gym" of which you speak ?

Treadmillmom · 01/02/2012 20:15

AnyFucker, are you Yoda in real life?Grin

Original poster
LoveInAColdClimate · 01/02/2012 20:26

Thanks, everyone. Loads of questions which I don't have time to reply to with the attention they deserve tonight (apologies) and lots to think about. Hopefully he doesn't really realise what having a baby will be like and will soon realise life is unlikely to continue as before. I do think there may be an element of exercise addiction in there too - perhaps we can work out ways for him to slot it in more easily around work and family (cycling to work isn't really safe around here but perhaps he could run in a few times a week, do some early morning gym slots, etc). I am going to re-read the thread and give the whole thing some thought. He is a lovely guy (obviously!) so I think it's more like to be lack of understanding than malice. While I am still livid about the lying comment, hopefully it was more panic at the prospect of putting 4 stone back on than an actual parenting plan...

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 01/02/2012 20:30

Babies are easy to look after, they take their lead from you, if you are calm and chilled out your baby will be, they eat sleep and shit for three months thats all.

He works all the hours god sends he deserves a break and if going to the gym is that break then so be it, the stress of his job will just kill him if he has no outlet at all, looking after a baby is no where near as stressful it just isn't.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 20:36

TMM, me no comprende ?

SugarPasteHedgehog · 01/02/2012 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhdearNigel · 01/02/2012 20:50

LIACC - haven't you posted about your DH, his gym obsession and his horrible comments about your weight before ? Or am i confusing you with someone else ?

Original poster
LoveInAColdClimate · 01/02/2012 20:56

No, that wasn't me, Nigel - DH is actually lovely about my figure (I am usually very thin, right now I am quite thin with a massive bump - I think it actually makes his own weight worries worse because he feels I don't understand how hard he finds it).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 21:13

LIACC, do you think he has become rather too obsessed with gym attendance and his weight ?

he won't pile 4stone back on automatically if he cuts down to twice a week, it doesn't work like that

if he has changed his eating habits for the better and keeps up moderate exercise the weight will stay off

what he is doing sounds outside of moderate and beyond a line of normal "watching your weight"

especially bearing in mind his utter inflexibility and his OTT defensiveness (the threat to tell lies if you try and stop him going, for example)

he sounds rather too conrolled, and exhibiting anxiety if he loses control is a sign of taking things too far

I may be over reaching here, but something for you both to look out for maybe

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 21:13

controlled

Eurostar · 01/02/2012 21:49

Losing 4 stone is impressive and I don't think it would be surprising that he is fearing what might happen if he goes back to his old ways, whatever they were.

Hopefully he is keen on the idea of being a father and not ambivalent? If he is ambivalent, wants to continue as before and is from a family culture where you lie to the wife to keep her quiet/happy, then you two have some work ahead of you. However, hopefully he is excited about being a father and wants to take an active part. So it's going to be about him finding ways to build in exercise and healthy eating into his new life - there's been lots of good ideas on this thread already about how to do that. Don't encourage him to stop exercise dead though because going from lots of exercise to none can bring on depression and that's the last thing you need with a small baby. From your side, you need to be brainstorming about how to get more adult company into your life because if you rely only on him for it, it is going to put a tremendous strain on your relationship.

It's good that you are giving these things consideration but don't be too rigid now - as others have said, reality is going to be so different when it happens.

minitoot · 01/02/2012 21:53

TBH it sounds as if he has a bit of an exercise addiction to me.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 01/02/2012 21:59

My gym (Virgin) takes babies.

Hullygully · 01/02/2012 22:04

I'd kick his sorry selfish arse and get him to get his exercise by pushing the pram up hills at top speed.

I'd also be really hurt at his selfishness...

BranchingOut · 01/02/2012 22:07

Baby Jogger make buggies that are actually designed for jogging/running - just an idea. They are not really for everyday use, but might solve your problem. Look on their website.

He has mentioned taking the baby swimming at the weekend, but does he realise that means no actual swimming for the adult as you have to hold the baby in the water?

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