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Original poster

DH told me "not to make him have to lie to me" about going to the gym

85 replies

LoveInAColdClimate · 01/02/2012 12:48

I don't really know what to think about this.

DH and I are expecting our first baby next month.

DH currently goes to the gym a lot, about 4 or 5 times a week. He also works very long hours (generally about 8-8, but often longer, and generally once or twice a month until the early hours of the morning or all night). He's actually been a little bit quieter since Christmas but I'm sure he'll be back to his usual hours again soon.

We have had lots of discussions about the fact that life will be hard for me with a small baby, no family nearby, and him working long hours plus spending several hours a week at the gym. I have said to him that if he spends, say, 6 hours a week at the gym, it's really only fair if I get a similar amount of free time (and that that time needs to be at appropriate hours of the day - he can't say "but you had a two hour break between 2am and 4am"). I have also pointed out that if he doesn't get home until 9 after the gym, he won't really see the baby.

I think he agrees in principle, but seems really reluctant to actually reduce his time at the gym. This morning we were talking about it and he told me not to put pressure on him over the issue as "he didn't want to have to start lying to me about going to the gym" - ie that he would go anyway and just tell me he'd been in a meeting or whatever. I got really upset and he tried to make out that it had been a joke, but I don't think it was.

I really feel for him, as he's lost a lot of weight through a mixture of diet and exercise, and is really worried about putting it all back on. But I am also really scared and upset by what he said about lying. I feel very vulnerable being so heavily pregnant and with my family five hours away.

Any thoughts? Please tell me that once the baby actually arrives this will be ok and he'll want to see me and the baby rather than spend time at the gym...

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/02/2012 13:33

Home gym? Is it possible to get a bit of equipment together?
Or is it possible to cut his hours a bit?

TheRhubarb · 01/02/2012 13:34

And I wouldn't read too much into his 'lying' comment, it was crass, defensive and said on the spur of the moment. Until he actually starts to lie, then I wouldn't over analyse what may well have been a throwaway comment.

dreamingbohemian · 01/02/2012 13:34

'Can he join a gym with a creche?'

That's a GREAT idea!

windsorTides · 01/02/2012 13:36

I think that's hopelessly optimistic frankly. If he's working these hours and choosing to spend so little time with his wife then he sounds selfish and not particularly invested in his relationship. Manipulative too, in that he's blaming his wife for his own lies.

Selfish people rarely undergo a personality transplant after children come along. Generally they become more selfish and entitled, not less.

Ephiny · 01/02/2012 13:37

Could he not compromise by going to the gym say 2 or 3 times a week, rather than 4 or 5? I can see his point, because the gym is not just a hobby, exercise is important for physical and mental health, especially if you have a sedentary or stressful job. But then the same goes for you, it's not very fair if he gets 7 1/2 hours a week to himself (based on an hour and a half 5 times a week), and you get very little.

If he works at least 12 hour days, is that in a very highly paid profession? In which case, could you afford a part time nanny or similar help? Friends of ours did this when the mum was at home on maternity leave, as they had twins and no family nearby to help (and husband works long hours), so it was a lot for her to cope with alone!

TheRhubarb · 01/02/2012 13:41

windsor, we only know of the dh from what the OP has written.
I was once a selfish single person who arrogantly thought that having a baby would not stop me from going out with friends.
Course once the baby arrived I didn't want to go out with friends, I wanted to stop with the baby.

I also thought that dh would be clumsy and perhaps not bond with his children because he never showed any interest in any of his nieces and nephews and would avoid babies and children like the plague. I thought he'd be distant, like his father. I was very wrong.

We can't predict what someone's dh will do. And as most of the posts were so negative about him lying, potentially cheating, being a selfish pig etc I thought it needed balancing out with a more positive outlook. Smile

Beamur · 01/02/2012 13:42

The reality of a baby is (in my experience) less tangible to the father during pregnancy - even my DP who now has 3 kids admits that it doesn't seem like a real baby until it actually arrives - so maybe your DP is also in this state of semi-denial.
I think it is fair enough that you have set out your expectations of support and time to yourself. But I think the arrival of the baby may help - or may not - in sorting out some of yours and his priorities and where they lay.
I would advise against carving up yours and his 'personal' time too much, unless you are both people who enjoy that kind of order and routine, otherwise you may find lack of adherence to this balance may counter productively make you resent each other more. Plus, how much time does it leave for you to all actually be together as a family?
I think his comment about lying to you would upset me too, it sounds like he is being a bit immature and selfish.

I hate to say it, but I suspect you are not going to get all the support you would like from your DH once this baby arrives. I hope I'm wrong. My DP who is a lovely, generous, kind soul in the main, with lots of experience of parenting ahead of our own DD arriving was considerably less helpful and supportive than I was expecting! We had an 'agreement' that as I did all the night time stuff (bf) he would get up with DD on a Saturday morning. Did he? Maybe once or twice....

HereIGo · 01/02/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

igggi · 01/02/2012 13:43

If he worked more normal hours, I would suggest he comes home after work, helps out properly with the baby/dinner etc, and then goes to the gym later in the evening once you're settled on the sofa with a dvd. (Many gyms are open late - some 24 hours).
If he's already working till 8, he is just accepting that he will not be a part of family life if he also goes to the gym after work.
Going to the gym can get a bit addictive. It is possible to stay healthy with fewer gym visits (maybe a good bit of buggy pushing?)

Original poster
LoveInAColdClimate · 01/02/2012 13:44

Thanks, everyone.

I'm confident that he is telling the truth about working those hours, (we used to do the same job, and sadly those are just the hours that go with the territory). Sadly it's not well paid enough to afford a part time nanny and probably not a cleaner while I'm on ML (it's got the potential to be very well paid in future but not now).

I have suggested that he does 30 Day Shred or similar at home... hoping that might appeal!

He has actually suggested a gym with a creche but surely a very tiny baby can't go in a gym creche, can they? Or is this possible? Thanks.

OP posts:
windsorTides · 01/02/2012 13:45

Hoping for the best just won't work though. This really needs to be sorted out now, in case he gets worse, not better.

Original poster
LoveInAColdClimate · 01/02/2012 13:46

I have to do some work now but will be back later. Thanks for all the help and advice.

OP posts:
tb · 01/02/2012 13:47

If he's going 4 or 5 times a week and is doing the same circuit every time, then he's over-training, and would get better results going 3 times a week. Each muscle group needs 2 days in between training sessions to rebuild torn fibres, unless he's doing abs 1 day, legs the next, upper body the next etc.

nickelhasababy · 01/02/2012 13:47

he's being very unrealistic.
DD is now 7 weeks old, and DH hasn't even managed to visit his mum (who is elderly and in a care home) more than once a week since she was born!
there's no way your dh will have time to fit in the gym and overtime/long working hours.
if he does, you will be exhausted, and probably more likely to get PND.
I know i wouldn't be coping if i didn't know dh would be here soon.

Pozzled · 01/02/2012 13:51

It sounds to me as though he thinks that his life will go on as normal once the baby is born, and he really does need to understand that it isn't going to happen. The baby is his as much as yours and both your lives will change hugely. He needs to be able to support you as much as possible, especially in the first few weeks/months, and if he can't take any more time off from his work, it will have to come from his leisure time.

Realistically, I would say that at least for the first month it will be hard for either of you to get much time to yourselves. Once you've adjusted to the change a little, you should definitely try to have a similar amount of 'time off', he simply can't expect to have several evenings off each week while you're on duty 24/7. I would think about setting a regular time each week when you go out and meet a friend or whatever. (You'll need to go out- if you're at home and the baby starts crying it will be really hard to step back and let him deal with it).

IMO it's all about communication and valuing each other- he obviously works very very hard and deserves some time at the gym as that is how he relaxes. But he MUST recognise that the same applies to you.

Pozzled · 01/02/2012 13:54

The creche at the gym isn't such a bad idea. Maybe not for the first few months, but once the baby gets to about 6 months it should be possible. (And I know 6 months seems ages away, but you will be amazed at how quickly the time goes).

Bakerbelle · 01/02/2012 14:02

Could you go at 7am, 3 times a week? I always found it was nice to have the option to snooze with the babies till 9ish - if they let me.

Bakerbelle · 01/02/2012 14:03

Sorry, could he go, not you go.

pooka · 01/02/2012 14:07

But I don't know of many gym crèches that open on evenings or early mornings, so would coincide with him going to gym.

Could he cycle to work instead. I know several people who cycle into London from suburbs - 40 min ride at least, morning and night, which would keep him fit as well as using commute as exercise time.

pooka · 01/02/2012 14:07

Yes - why doesn't he go early morning before work?

cestlavielife · 01/02/2012 14:14

have you been to nct classes etc to start builing up a "mum" network?
you ging to need it....

also check out baby feeding cafe sessions etc

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/02/2012 14:21

What about him going out running instead of gym? My DH does that once we've put the boys to bed and he is out for half an hour - it eats into the time much less than packing a bag, going to the gym, changing, blah blah.

oldwomaninashoe · 01/02/2012 14:24

Wait until your baby comes, your whole life will alter so radically and so will both your attitudes and priorities.
there is no way you can second guess, how either you or he will behave, or what exactly life is going to throw at you both over the next few months.
Its silly to argue over this now
Just relax enjoy the peace and quiet for the time being!
And leave him to go to the gym for the time being, he needs to get fit before taking on parenthood!

dinkystinky · 01/02/2012 14:30

He is being unrealistic if he expects to keep life as it it when the baby arrives - a new baby means a big life change for you and DH, and with that compromises have to be made. It might mean your DH going to the gym in the mornings before work a couple of times a week - or sneaking in a quick 30 minute run/work out (tell him to google PHA work outs - same results as an hours work out in half the time by doing intervals and circuits) to get his fix - rather than in the evenings after work. He may find he wants to be home to be with you and his son/daughter instead of the gym. And you're right to think you both need breaks and time to yourself where possible - it just all depends on whether your baby thinks that too...

Both DH and I worked long hours and went to the gym lots before DS1 was born - when he was born it meant lots of changes for both of us. DH tried to go to the gym at lunch times a couple of times a week and go for runs at the weekend. I did buggy work outs with my baby and made lots of new friends on maternity leave (as will you - a new baby is a great icebreaker!). When I went back to work I resumed my gym habit - but made it quick 45 minute work outs at lunchtime and one evening or weekend session as both DH and I try to keep the weekends as family time as much as possible. And it still works 5 years, and one more child, later for all of us.

twooter · 01/02/2012 14:49

I would certainly negotiate that he gives the gym a miss, no questions asked, on nights when you really really need him home.

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