DH told me "not to make him have to lie to me" about going to the gym

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I don't really know what to think about this.

DH and I are expecting our first baby next month.

DH currently goes to the gym a lot, about 4 or 5 times a week. He also works very long hours (generally about 8-8, but often longer, and generally once or twice a month until the early hours of the morning or all night). He's actually been a little bit quieter since Christmas but I'm sure he'll be back to his usual hours again soon.

We have had lots of discussions about the fact that life will be hard for me with a small baby, no family nearby, and him working long hours plus spending several hours a week at the gym. I have said to him that if he spends, say, 6 hours a week at the gym, it's really only fair if I get a similar amount of free time (and that that time needs to be at appropriate hours of the day - he can't say "but you had a two hour break between 2am and 4am"). I have also pointed out that if he doesn't get home until 9 after the gym, he won't really see the baby.

I think he agrees in principle, but seems really reluctant to actually reduce his time at the gym. This morning we were talking about it and he told me not to put pressure on him over the issue as "he didn't want to have to start lying to me about going to the gym" - ie that he would go anyway and just tell me he'd been in a meeting or whatever. I got really upset and he tried to make out that it had been a joke, but I don't think it was.

I really feel for him, as he's lost a lot of weight through a mixture of diet and exercise, and is really worried about putting it all back on. But I am also really scared and upset by what he said about lying. I feel very vulnerable being so heavily pregnant and with my family five hours away.

Any thoughts? Please tell me that once the baby actually arrives this will be ok and he'll want to see me and the baby rather than spend time at the gym...

If you are concerned about getting time to yourself can you not just arrange that he can do gym after work but Sat afternoons are yours for free time? Trying to manage his time for him is a bit much, he is a grown up and the responsibilities etc that come with a baby will quickly become apparent to him - you will probably find that he prefers to get home earlier when the baby comes anyway without having to argue about it.

So does it sound like I'm being a bit controlling in trying to get him to spend less time on his hobby, then? Ok, I'll try not to do that, and hope that he cuts down on the gym of his own accord once the baby arrives. Thank you.

Still feel worried about the threat of lying, though.

He is not being reasonable. It's his baby and although if you're going to be a SAHM I'm sure you'll be doing the bulk of the house work and Abby duties you are going to ned his support and lots of it whether he is working long hours or not (my male friend sometimes works 16 hour days but still gives his wife a break when he gets home)

While its important that you both get time off, and gym can be his, life is going to change when the baby comes and both of your needs are going to have to come second.

Have you had discussions about how having a baby is going to actually work for you? How it will change your lives? How it will change your marriage? It's going to involve a lot of selflessness on both parts.

Don't worry About upsetting or annoying him by needing to talk about this - you have to. A marriage is a partnership and that involves both of you taking responsibility.

I am in a similar place with DH but I have told him I am having Saturday mornings or at least 2 evenings
Off so I can swim and have some time to myself.

He agreed straight away and even looked into some dad and baby groups.

I would hate to have to 'negotiate' with my DH over if I was entitled to time

Cross post - its controlling at all.. It's about negotiating!

Meant to read 'not controlling'

But then I wouldn't
Micro manage his time iyswim?

To be honest, it could go either way. He might come home earlier once the baby comes and reduce his time at the gym, but he might not.

I don't think you are being controlling at all actually. Why should he just carry on with his life exactly how it is with no compromises while yours will change irrevocably? You are perfectly within your rights to have as much free time to yourself as he does, just because you are the babies mother it doesn't mean that you shouldn't want or have time to yourself. I wonder if he really gets what a big impact having a baby is going to have on your lives.

The lying thing is a bit dodgy yes, would piss me off anyway.

Just thought:

Why not ask him to not
Go to the gym while he is on paternity leave? That was you can get an idea of the dynamics and changing circumstances around havig and caring for te baby

Two weeks should be ok. I wouldn't ask him not to go back to the gym at all though

Thanks, LadyMedea - we have talked about it ad infinitem but I'm not sure either of us will really "get it" until the baby arrives. I can imagine how it'll be but everyone says it still comes as a shock.

Kayano - in fairness, DH has said he will take the baby swimming on Saturdays so I can have a break. But I am a bit worried about the prospect of week days with no adult company (except baby groups) or help at all on gym days.

X-posts, sorry.

Just to clarify, I'm quite happy for him to go to the gym, just ideally not 4 or 5 times a week for an hour and a half (including changing etc) at a time (or usually more at weekends) when there's so much else to fit in around work. I think it would probably be ok if he finished work at 5 and went after work, but he gets home really late when he's worked late.

The gym is obviously important to him and you need to understand where he is coming from here. Losing the weight was probably a huge confidence boost and he doesn't want to go back to the weight he was before, so there a little fear there that he doesn't want his hard work going to waste.
Also the gym may well be his stress relief. If his job is a high-pressured one and he's working long hours, the gym is his stress-buster. My dh often has to take some form of exercise too just to get work out of his head and de-stress himself.

Once the baby arrives you might find that he actually can't wait to get home and bathe or feed the baby, but right now he isn't thinking like that.

I would simply ask him if he had any ideas how you could go about getting some help with the baby and claiming some free time for yourself. Don't suggest that he give up his, just ask him to see if he had any ideas which might help you. Right now he is feeling defensive but once he's had time to have a good think, he might be willing to compromise.

The baby isn't here yet and neither of you quite know how life will pan out once he/she arrives. So I suggest you have a few discussions about it now and then start to plan things once you know what you are dealing with.

Yes, I really don't want him to have to give it up, and I know how important it is to him to keep the weight off.

Perhaps it'll just become obvious to him once the baby arrives that it's not compatible with spending most of his free time in the gym...

It's a huge warning sign when someone puts the responsibility for their lies on to you. No-one has to lie. If they do, it is entirely their cowardice and fear of the consequences of truth and not your doing.

I wonder whether he is also lying about 'working' these long hours too, because those hours are unsustainable to his health.

I can't see how this lifestyle supports a marriage, let alone one with a newborn baby. From what you've posted, it is unlikely to change for the better and in fact is likely to get worse, when the demands of a baby come into the picture.

I think if it's really that important that he spends so much time at the gym, he should try to carve it out of work hours rather than family hours -- at least at the beginning, when things are at their most intense and transitional.

Does he have to work 12 hour days?

Would you be happy if he stopped gymming and put on a lot of fat and sat at home in front of telly eating crisps ? You both should compromise but he is only gymming which would only benefit you if he stays fit and healthy. Arrive at some compromise, its possible.

I think he also needs to be reminded that lying to you will ultimately mean that you will feel unable to trust him as you did before having this morning's conversation.

If he agrees that you deserve the same amount of free time but he doesn't want to reduce his own hours, then he needs to be the one to look for an alternative solution.

He doesn't just get to opt out of family life and the responsibilities of having a child just because he doesn't want to put weight on.

Do you really believe he's at the gym 'til the early hours of the morning or all night'?

I think he's already lying to you about what he's doing or he is very seriously addicted to exercise.

Ignore what I said - you were talking about his work!

sorry.

I would be concerned, and you are quite right to want him to be prepared to go to the gym less often, certainly initially.

Having a newborn can be seriously hard work, and he needs to be prepared to be flexible, and he needs to show you that. It is a very vulnerable time for a woman, because you have no choice about the fact that your life is about to change massively. If he carries on working and going to the gym as he is then he will not see the baby, and you will be on your knees with exhaustion and end up resenting him hugely.
Certainly you will need him to be around at weekends so that you get a bit of a break. That doesn't just mean him taking the baby swimming for a couple of hours, it means him being around to just muck in with the general stuff - nappies, pacing around, rocking, soothing, winding - plus feeding yourselves and keeping on top of the house etc.

One thing I really recommend is to get a cleaner if you can possibly afford it, even for just a couple of months. It really takes the pressure off and it will reduce the possibility for resentment enormously.

I would be furious about that lying comment - he would be choosing to lie, you wouldn't be making him.

Posters who think this is all about achieving a workable compromise. Would your male partners be happy if you worked 12 hours a day and went out 4-5 nights a week, leaving him alone with a newborn baby to care for? If the answer to that is 'no' what is the difference?

Can he join a gym with a creche?

I'm a mom of 3 and seriously, knowing what I know now I would not agonise and make too many plans about how things will be once baby is born.
Baby turns your life and relationship upside down and no one can ever accurately predict how it'll effect them or their time.
For example you may turn out to be dead precious (as we all can be with our first) and not want to leave him anyway!
You may not have the extra energy for a swim even though in your heart its what you want to do etc.
As posters have said until baby arrives your DH may not realise he'll feel wretched away from home and will break all speading laws to get home and cuddle his little one.
Wait and see.

windsor, she hasn't had the baby yet. What people say and what they actually do are sometimes very very different. This is their first child and whilst she has had the time to get used to the idea, due to his work he probably hasn't put any thought into what life will be like once the baby arrives.

My guess is that as an excited first time dad, his hours at the gym will naturally decrease because he'll be rushing home to spend time with his child.

If I am wrong and he carries on regardless then they need to both sit down and have a heart to heart because, with the hours he's putting into work and the gym, the OP might as well be a single mum.