Keeping ds safe from ex

[seaofyou]

Ds has seen ex a handful of times...ds now 7 yrs old, last visit 2 yrs ago.
Due to ds autism was nonverbal for most of these visits and would return with rather disturbed aggressive behaviour and stomach issues that had not seen since stopping gluten and dairy.

I spoke to ds Consultant Peadiatrician about ds headbutting on return from visits with ex and told 'ds can't cope with change'...I accepted this as had no choice after all the Consultant is the expert.

As ds started to become verbal (by this I mean 1-3 words max) on last visit, ds disclosed to his 1:1 after returning from night away with ex, ds saying 'computer off' and cried his eyes out for 2 hours....we tried to work out what it was but due to lack of language could only comfort ds. At this time contact was being arranged via solicitors (I pushed for contact as ex turning up at xmas and birthdays only was not fair and ds now 4 yrs old needed regular contact). So I was not in position to just phone ex and say 'What does ds mean?'

ds disclosed to second 1:1 'computer off' 'drink milk' 'burger' 'chips'. Ds is on an allergy prescriped diet by Dr.

Ex stopped seeing ds in 2009 and thankfully I have a letter from ex's solicitor confirming ex and family does not want contact with ds (after my solicitor meantioned this concern in letter to ex the 'giving foods to ds he should not have for medical reasons'.

Ds disclosed this year about the 'computer off' and ex slapping ds repeatidly in face. Ds disclosed being strangled, thrown accross room. The 1:1's ds disclosed this too wrote it down and signed and dated it. I informed ds social worker (who never asked to see these statements).

It was when ds disclosed sexual abuse ( disclosed to 1:1 and recored on my mobile as I told 1:1 to turn on my record on mobile if ds ever starts to talk about ex). I then decided to go to Police and DI came out and spoke to ds. He asked for ds to come to station where they would film ds next day.

However next day DI totally different saying 'spoke to SW and you have grievence with ex over maintenance etc' I could not believe what was said to me!

The courts have just caught up with ex and I guess ex will have to pay (although ex disputing it with lies saying that I did XYZ).

Anyway solicitor who has guided me through this said 'most men who have to start paying for a dc will often start to see dc as they see 'paying= seeing dc'.
Ex I know would do this to get revenge on having to pay maintenance. I know he would hurt ds again and even worse. Ex has done many physically aggressive things to my property over 3 years, which is now resolved thanks to CCTV and ex I guess not wanting to be caught/go to prision.

So I have meeting with Social Services manager in few days to discuss it all. I will bring 1:1 statements and voice recording of other disclosure.

I want to make sure ds doesn't come to any harm and never see ex again if ex does push for contact as ds is terrified of ex and had flash backs at one stage.

I am terrified of ex having contact with ex...any help/advice I welcome in how to deal with this meeting and to ensure my ds is safe in the future.

I am terrified of ex having contact with ds

Listen my love. Honestly if you think pursuing maintenance will drag ex even more into your lives then I would honestly leave it. I know its not right and he should pay, but sometimes the price is just too high x

Yeah, agree with babyhammock. All I've had is a couple of 100 quid maintainance and dd is now 20! Really - what you never get you never miss.

You're terrified. But stay calm and rational infront of sw, etc. Write down all your concerns. It's your job to keep your ds safe and you're doing really well so far.

What does this mean? What is 1:1?

Baby I know what you are saying..it is a court order served years ago, they have chased ex for yrs. I have high outgoings for ds including several therapies ie speech and language therapy as NHS is sh@@@, uniform/extra circ at ind school so very expensive and I had to give work up when ds little. I am having to stop private SALT at easter as I will lose my home if I get anymore in debt trying to get ds better...the man earns around 100K a year and never even sent a card to ds never mind help with disability.

Hi Seaofyou

Last time we chatted you mentioned that your ex was abroad now, and you were looking forward to moving. I doubt wether contact with your DS will be his priority now. ( thank god !)

I'd hang on to that thought and put all thought of your ex out of your mind,and concentrate on building a new life for you and your son.

Did you get to talk to your GP? You mentioned having a chat because of the stress you were under following his DV to you.

Sleep problems are the pits and don't help the worries that crowd your thoughts.

1:1 is ds has no danger awareness/gets anxious etc needs supervision at all times in and out of school...so in school has full time support worker....ds really vuln...police didn't care about that though did they when presented with statements.

lisaro one to one teaching support = 1:1

Hi Bossy

yes thank you gp referred me to counsellor at surgery but long waiting list. And I am getting a new front door next month (hence more debt) so I can put house up for sale as front door frame is falling out (well all scwehif(sp))

Ah, thanks, Bossy. I wish people would realise not everybody is familiar with every term. I'd not chase the money, if you can afford it - just cut the ex out completely.

I'm sorry you and your DS are going through this. Are you pressing charges for the assault? Or is that too hard for DS to cope with?

I wish I had some good advice, hope all works out for you.

the only thing is ex could demand to see ex at any time without maintenance issue.....so this is to protect ds for the future.
Sorry lisaro so used to SN children board that I forget NT parents don't know

thanks Jnice I went to Child Protection Unit for ds to be filmed for abuse...and they pulled the plug..they later said these incidents were too old (ds could not say before this year as non verbal) and that because ds has autism ...not a good witness...ds has been consistent in all his disclosures over the last year from 2 words to sentences this year.

Bossy ex was always abroad, the gp's live 1hr away.

I would keep my son far away from someone like this, parent or no.

You need to protect him.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

I feel this is my last chance to say 'Hey this man is a danger to my ds and I want you to protect ds'...I honestly don't want them to chase ex for the abuse as don't want ds to be put through it again, but just ensure ds is safe...as what I read about crappy courts for contact is a joke and ds not only vuln I have worked to hard to get ds where he is and to then 'regress' with the trauma of having to endure contact with this evil man.

thank you sub xposted..I hope this meeting can ensure ds gets SS backing at least incase ex ever decides to reappear...which he has a pattern of.

I'm so sorry the system failed your DS like that

thanks jnice, but the sickening thing is ds memory and attention to detail is amazing...this has turned out to be more of a curse as NT dc tend to forget where ds remembers everything...ds doesn't discuss it now it was father's day last year was last trigger...hate that build up as ds asking loads about df.

Sorry tall missed your post thanks...I will present it all as I had to write it all out for solicitor last yr, who police never acted too.

Hi there and sorry to hear things aren't too good at the moment.

I am not sure, has your ex actually applied to court to see your ds? Are you seeing the SW as part of the court process? If not I am wondering if you can just leave things be until he starts a court process. Which fingers crossed he might not do.

You are doing all the right things, stay strong for both of you.

Hi ohWesternWind no ex hasn't applied to court and I pray never will. But their is always the 'what if ex does?' Solicitor said higher chance of absent df to want contact when paying.

When ds first started disclosing about ex I didn't report it as was living in hope ex would not contact ds again for contact.

However after speaking to Family Rights after ds disclosed more they made me realise if I did not report the abuse now (when no contact etc) if I left it until ex turned up again the police/SS/courts would see this as 'sour grapes' to stop contact. If you see what I mean.

I don't want to rake it all up for ds as ds is now happy and not mentioning df. So I don't even want to try to go down police route anymore. I am doing this in advance to ensure I have made it clear to SS what happened...old social worker didn't even want the 1:1 statements...well that tells me she did not believe ds! Or more the case thinking I made it up!

Due to ds having Autism ds will be vuln as child and adult and I need to think of ds safety for rest of ds life.

Yes, I see exactly what you mean. It is a fine line to walk between putting in place protection for the future and making sure your ds is not upset by raking it up again. I hope you have a different sw this time. What is there not to believe especially if you have evidence (the recording and statements)? Why would your boy make things up? Unbelievable. I hope you get the help you need this time. When is your meeting?

Thanks OhWesternWind ds is very literal and if ds says he was slapped in face 15 times I know it was exact...he cannot lie it's part of his condition which also makes it so maddening. The SW never asked for the statements last year! Then told Detective Instector I was angry that ex not paying maintenance...this had sweet FA to do with maintenance.

I complained few years ago as ex and ex mum reporting me to SS and I was investigated sw met with them and disclosed health problems(heart) to ex I had! I went mad as breaking confidentiality and new sw given and plan to protect me ...so when they call to report me they are reassured ds is fine and no other info given out....I was happy with how SS dealt with this!

However when this happened with SW who persuaded police not to act now basically not taking the abuse of a vuln child seriously is totally new level in my book!

I was given another SW straight away. So on third SW...but it shouldn't have to be like this why is SW's f'@king up all the time?

I am really stressed about it and have to go and find statements etc...it is Thursday first thing, I have ds IEP tomorrow at school so all at once.

I don't know if Social Services can do anything...but if the old SW had not been judgemental and made up stuff Police would have investigated and I would have had some answers by now as this was 7 months ago.

When I told old SW I was going to Police she said 'but if ex goes to prison you woun't get maintenace!' I could not believe what SW said and I said 'All the money in the world will ever pay for the abuse ds has recieved from ex'

Police never gave me a proper answer either when I complained...so Social Services manger says she spoke to the chef Inspector and will let me know on Thursday what was said to why Police did not go ahead.

God I had to let that out ...really stressed and let down by the whole system.

Oh and I just found out that if I die the Police go to ex to ask him to look after ds (he does NOT have PR but the only other relative)....what a fucking mess:(:(:(

'All the money in the world will never pay for the abuse ds has recieved from ex'

ok - write a will naming a legal guardian for DS. that takes care of that - yes ex can then fight for residence but at least you have made wishes clear.

set out v clearly that if ex goes for contact you will only allow strictly supervised contact. given ex hasnt seen Ds for a while you woudl not hand him over to him woudl you? only strictly supervised.

if ex hasnt applied to court for contact then all well and good.
f and when he does you have good case for strictly supervised contact only. given ds SN.

but - do be careful in speaking to SW; police etc - just talk about DS protection issues, dont get into any conversation about maintenance etc. if they mention it jsut say "that is not relevant here" .