Keeping ds safe from ex

[seaofyou]

Ds has seen ex a handful of times...ds now 7 yrs old, last visit 2 yrs ago.
Due to ds autism was nonverbal for most of these visits and would return with rather disturbed aggressive behaviour and stomach issues that had not seen since stopping gluten and dairy.

I spoke to ds Consultant Peadiatrician about ds headbutting on return from visits with ex and told 'ds can't cope with change'...I accepted this as had no choice after all the Consultant is the expert.

As ds started to become verbal (by this I mean 1-3 words max) on last visit, ds disclosed to his 1:1 after returning from night away with ex, ds saying 'computer off' and cried his eyes out for 2 hours....we tried to work out what it was but due to lack of language could only comfort ds. At this time contact was being arranged via solicitors (I pushed for contact as ex turning up at xmas and birthdays only was not fair and ds now 4 yrs old needed regular contact). So I was not in position to just phone ex and say 'What does ds mean?'

ds disclosed to second 1:1 'computer off' 'drink milk' 'burger' 'chips'. Ds is on an allergy prescriped diet by Dr.

Ex stopped seeing ds in 2009 and thankfully I have a letter from ex's solicitor confirming ex and family does not want contact with ds (after my solicitor meantioned this concern in letter to ex the 'giving foods to ds he should not have for medical reasons'.

Ds disclosed this year about the 'computer off' and ex slapping ds repeatidly in face. Ds disclosed being strangled, thrown accross room. The 1:1's ds disclosed this too wrote it down and signed and dated it. I informed ds social worker (who never asked to see these statements).

It was when ds disclosed sexual abuse ( disclosed to 1:1 and recored on my mobile as I told 1:1 to turn on my record on mobile if ds ever starts to talk about ex). I then decided to go to Police and DI came out and spoke to ds. He asked for ds to come to station where they would film ds next day.

However next day DI totally different saying 'spoke to SW and you have grievence with ex over maintenance etc' I could not believe what was said to me!

The courts have just caught up with ex and I guess ex will have to pay (although ex disputing it with lies saying that I did XYZ).

Anyway solicitor who has guided me through this said 'most men who have to start paying for a dc will often start to see dc as they see 'paying= seeing dc'.
Ex I know would do this to get revenge on having to pay maintenance. I know he would hurt ds again and even worse. Ex has done many physically aggressive things to my property over 3 years, which is now resolved thanks to CCTV and ex I guess not wanting to be caught/go to prision.

So I have meeting with Social Services manager in few days to discuss it all. I will bring 1:1 statements and voice recording of other disclosure.

I want to make sure ds doesn't come to any harm and never see ex again if ex does push for contact as ds is terrified of ex and had flash backs at one stage.

I am terrified of ex having contact with ex...any help/advice I welcome in how to deal with this meeting and to ensure my ds is safe in the future.

Hi izzyizin yes I did go to meeting lasted a few hours as discussed other things too.

The manager did say 'when SW reported it to police they decided to not go ahead with the investigation then' which I replied...'no I was the one who contacted the police 2 months later, sw never contacted police' silence was my response. So I had a few silences as it was a clear 'ahoh!'

I did however show the statements and SS manager asked for copy which I followed your response 'well sw said they were not needed! So not worth you having them?' But manager insisted it was important incase anything comes up in future.
Plan was drawn up which I am happy with re ds disclosing anything in future the new sw is highly trained in abuse interviewing and will come to interview ds (if anything else comes up) and I am not to question ds and just explain someone has to speak to ds. Then they decide if they can go ahead.
I did say 'oh so is this what normally happens with disclosures? SS manager confirmed...I replied 'so why did this not happen with ds's previous disclosures?' ...very loud silence!

But time lapse and lack of evidence appears to be their main reason to not able to go through with it.

But at least there is a plan for the future ( but hoping there is no next time as ds come a long way).

izzyizin for all your advice really helpful!

Well that's partially a good reponse isn't it?

No action about the past, which is frustrating but at least you can leave that behind and be assured there is a plan (hopefully as you say not needed) to fall back on.

In my experience if you have a Plan B you rarely have to use it but it's good to have the confidence it's there.

Well done you another hurdle taken, keep on looking forward.

bossy...yes another hurdle...need to do a will etc not looking forward to that!

I'mtoo tired to fight another system that is a failure...spent so long fighting education...have not the energy!!

So moving on as damage done, nothing I do to complain will make wrong right as too late. Hope ds recovers ...but part of that recovery I know now is to start afresh and move from memories etc

A will need not be stressful.

If you have no contact with your family it will be quite straightforward any/all assets will go into your DS for his future care.

Most solicitors give a free hour advice, take that and get it sorted if it brings you piece of mind.

Will you be able to keep DS at his school if you move? Can you manage the fees anyway, as you have been doing?

O dear, it seems that you didn't achieve your intention of 'disengaging' with SS.

I am a tad concerned that yesterday's meeting, which you were apparently led to believe would provide you with an explanation as to why a police investigation into your ds's disclosure of sexual and other abuse by his df was abandoned after the police had spoken to a sw, extended over 'a few hours'.

Even after taking into account the fact that you chose to enter into some discussion of other matters, 'a few hours' does seem an inordinate length of time.

Have SS expressed a desire to have more input into ds's welfare or provide additional/more practical or financial provision for his care?

Will you be receiving a written record of whatever decisions/resolutions were made yesterday with regard to ds?

yes I took your advise Izyizin and asked for what was discussed in writing. I know they will not record my questions they did not answer.

Talked about school, future re what their role is and what support for ds if I die and then being able to convert DP's to pay school for afterschool clubso I can ensure ds safe, so no extra finicial help, no!

They will record that ds expresses not to be with df (on recording) and they said they can bring up these situations in court if ex asked for contact in future.

Of course I feel totally destryed they let my vuln child was lefty and no action taken...but I am trying to rectify that for future to ensure ds doesn't ever have to be in same room as this evil bastard ever again.

Maybe I should go down the police complaints route...as SS said it was police fault...they took no responsibility.

I forgot to ask for copy of ds records. Maybe I should!

Iknow SW thinks I made it that is why no action was taken. Maybe I should ask for the records of where SS manager said the SW reported it to the police.

It was hard I had no wittnesses..I aint got a soul to rely on to help. I would not want friend to attend as so ashamed of the whole mess. There was also 2 of them.