DP wants to buy food seperately

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

Why am I not surprised to read that your last bloke was also not suitable or even ideal partner material either?.

Once you have split I would suggest time on your own without any man and use that time to work on rebuilding your self worth and esteem instead. Such men take time to recover from and I am wondering how long it was between your last relationship and starting this one.

I think there is some need within you to save and or rescue these men from themselves but you cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship because it simply does not work out. They are not your project either to rescue and or save.

Oh dear OP, I think those urging you to move on are probably right.

herbacious thanks, I know its like swinging from one extreme to the other (the irony is that Buddha taught the middle way!)

What worries me is that I am the common denominator for these ridiculous relationships

Maybe I do have self esteem issues but I think my main issue is pushing my own feelings down (which this thread has really helped me to confront), if I'd have faced up to my emotions earlier the maybe I wouldn't be so far down the line now.

Lots have you have asked what has happened to make me value myself so little and it's weird because over the years I've done a lot of work on making sure I take care of my self, but there are obviously gaps in my knowledge

(Small back story mum left when I was 2 and my sister who was one we were brought up by dad who introduced emotionally abusive step mother into our lives (who is now a heroin addict) and sexually abusive 'step brother')

So it's not a surprise that I've ended up like this really- I'm a bit sad because I thought, considering what I've come from, I was doing quite well in life.

The danger level in my current house-hold is NOTHING compared to what I experienced growing up so my reference points aren't all too healthy.

OP, I also came from a sexually abusive childhood (it's on the boards) but just because you aren't physically threatened still doesn't make your current situation the best you can hope for.
Self-esteem issues include the problem of not valuing or facing up to our own feelings. If you don't value yourself, why would you?
Even today I have to watch out for abusive patterns as it seems to be something we can fail to notice as it was the "norm" in our childhoods.
Keep strong, you know you deserve so much.

I'm an idiot yes, thanks

No, you are sampling life's rich diversity :)

You are still young, and getting to this place at 27 whereas many women only wake up at 37.

or 57

This all sounds a little bit silly, why don't you shop together and just be done with it...or is he a bit of a control freak?

Nannipigg, this is so not about shopping.

Oh dear, I have to agree with everyone else I'm afraid. At the very least at 27 you should be having the best sex of your life because it all goes downhill a bit once you get old and saggy. Really, you should be having a blast in your twenties, not tied down to a loser like this. Believe it from an old gimmer, you do not want to have a kid to his man!

Get out, Lovely...

You sound like you're thinking about it, there's no rush.
I think you've outgrown him, and are just starting to realise. Take your time, I don't think things are going to improve, but it's your decision.
Keep us posted, won't you.

Sorry OP. I am telling you the same thing I would say to my best friend. Trouble is, at 37, most of my friends did end up with the bloke they should have ditched at your age. They have children, a mortgage and everything to lose. In ten years you could be with a bloke in his fifties....

Anniegetyourgun I do realise that, but I find it very weird that someone would put up with that kind of behaviour from a grown man.
This is not a good kind of Relationship, I would get out now!

OP you are insightful indeed to recognise that you are the commonn denominator in a similar series of relationships.

As everyone else is saying, you deserve more. You have to believe that though and to insist upon it for yourself because nobody else can do this for you.

To be honest if you had a shit childhood then in my opinion you really deserve to have a great experience as an adult in a loving and supportive relationship. Dump this guy, he is not a good person to be in a relationship with. Insist on more and you will get it - but not with your current partner!

I agree if he is not willing to work with you, then he doesn't love you whole heartedly and he certainly doesn't deserve a caring person like you!

I understand what you mean about processing OP. I won't bore you but I had a bad time myself years ago with a freeloader/passenger/emotionally illiterate type myself. It took me a long time to process what everyone was saying about him to me. Anyway I was always kept busy with whatever mess/debt/crisis he had created, I was so busy putting out all his fires and trying to build castles on sand that it took me years to extricate myself. It's a depressing a boring story so I won't go on.

The point I'm getting at is although people can give you advice you have to be in a place to be able to receive and understand it. I had a lot of family (of origin) troubles as well at the time so I didn't have a good model or safe place to go back to. Even though something is wrong and shit and you kind of know it in your gut for some reason you keep pushing forward.

Eventually though you'll be RUNNING. The story with the car and him draining your Christmas money and the manipulation with strops and sulks is all so familiar. You can't survive as a person with good self esteem when there is a vacum where there should be mutual care, nourishment (of body and soul) and financial teamwork. I learned that the hard way.

As others have said, please do be kind to yourself and work on your self esteem and any issues from your childhood. Keep your finances seperate (as in you said the baliffs won't be taking 'our stuff', no they will be taking HIS stuff) don't invest in any mutual property, cars, bills, possesions. Do NOT whatever you do get pregnant PLEASE!

On that point, shit to hear he's not even a good lay. There is much better out there. I'm with a guy now I never thought I could dream of, he's kind AND sexy and I'm having his baby. Although I'm in my forties so please don't wait as long as me to get sense!

All the best Gruffalo...

Aha. I'm not surprised to hear about your background, Gruff, and am glad you've made the connection.

Rather than quote myself at 08:01 ('deserving' and loving well), I'm offering you a lightning summary of my experience. It's the same as many others. Having a painful childhood makes you "capable". It's a triumph to survive; to build ambitions; to create a successful life in spite of all that. Most of us overdo it, in fact! This makes you feel brave, strong and proud ... and as though you can handle anything. Well, maybe you can. Stately Homers can certainly handle more than most. We - and you - have a lot to be proud of.

But there's a difference between knowing you can handle the shit life throws, and feeling you have to keep proving it. The way to keep proving it is to seek out shit to handle, isn't it? I chose men with evident needs - inadequate, faulty men basically. I was hugely attracted by the feeling I could handle them and I could fill up the yawning gaps in their personalities. Show me a decent, sane, balanced man and I'd go "Not my type."

Overachiever that I was, I made a very attractive prospect for those faulty men. When they realised I'd put up with any old crap and even try to 'help', they must have thought all their Christmases had come at once. Did they lavish me with loving care, respect and delightfulness in return? Of course not! They treated me with the contempt I was used to. They were abusive in (slightly) different ways from what I'd known as a child - of course, abuse feels different to a dependent child. The urge to fix it is the same, though.

It's all a bit much to take on board at once, and I'm sorry my summary hasn't been that quick after all! You're making all the right connections now, though :) As long as you don't get yourself too locked into your current relationship, I'm pretty confident you'll figure out what you're really worth and find men who agree with you

PS: No wonder your dad was less than decisive on advising you to quit 'helping' a faulty partner ... he didn't, either, did he?

brilliant post garlic.

backatcha :)

Just wanted to add my twopennyworth: when I was 27 I was living with my boyfriend (no kids) now DH. We both worked days, and spent our time together cooking, watching TV, going to pub, having riotous parties, going to riotous parties, shopping, joking and laughing, visiting friends, family and having lots of lovely sex. we sometime did stuff separately.

I'm sure we argued - but the only one I can remember was him putting empty milkbottles back in the fridge. We had separate accounts but shared all the bills.

If you don't have kids, these should be your fun years and the ones you look back on with joy in the years to come.

You really should stay with this kind, humble, charitable man Gruffalo. You feel dependent on him, he fulfills your requirements not to be single. He may even occasionally have bad sex with you, or make you laugh.

Why would you throw all of that away to be single? How awful. Yes, being single might mean you have a fridge full of good quality food, it might mean you get to meet real men and have real, mindblowing sex, it might even mean you get to meet a real proper man who you can share the rest of your life with, but you don't want that, do you? Far far better to stay where you are, in case you risk being single for ever.

This might be your only change at a boyfriend. And he is humble after all. Yes, you've had a chat, you've set out your three ground rules, so you should stick it out. Who cares that he eats 40 eggs a week and will soon be declaring bankrupsy. Who cares that he refuses to have grown up discussions about anything, or even take your feelings into consideration. Who cares that you will never share a meal together. At least you have a boyfriend.

PS, afaik, he can't declare himself bankrupt for a £400 debt. He'll/you'll just have debt collectors on the doorstep, calling constantly, endless hassle...

There are rules about declaring bankruptcy - you have to pay a fee if you wish to declare yourself bankrupt and it is several hundred pounds. There are rules about how you can save up for it. The OR will also look at pattern of spending before the bankruptcy and a 'what the heck, I'm going bankrupt' pattern will be noted. A bankrupt has some careers barred to him and also it stays on the credit file for years. It will also show on your credit file if you have any joint financial products.

Try and pin him down about how he is going to go bankrupt. Ask him to find out the court fees (make it his problem). That is probably going to be a good first step.

Good luck.

There's a new special provision for debts of under (iirc) £15,000. Or it might be £1,500 and I'm not looking it up. Anyway, it's quicker & simpler, plus you don't have to pay the ginormous court fee which is about £650 and is why I'm not bankrupt yet

His debts are more than £400, aren't they? He owes the monastery £500 and I bet there's a few other bits.

With debts of about a grand, the logical thing would be to enter into an IVA. But he won't find out or sort out any of these things, I guess. And it would be deeply unwise of Gruffalo to do them for him.