Early menopause - any experiences?

[bourneville]

My friend has just found out that she is most probably going through early menopause (she is 28). She doesn't have children, and has never had a boyfriend and was already very depressed about all that. She is now very, very depressed and worried about the whole thing - she wanted to have children one day and is desperate for a relationship, and is now worried about how one affects the other iykwim.

Have read the thread about couples who disagree about wanting kids, and it was somewhat reassuring that there are men out there who really do not want them. But I'm wondering if anyone has any experience of this? And I was also wondering when the hell in a new relationship would you bring up the fact that you can't have kids??

Well, I was married to a man who didn't want kids. I knew loads of men who didn't want kids - several of whom had the snip to prevent their ever having kids, so there's LOTS of men out there who don't want them.

There are also many men who have children from previous marriage or relationships and don't want anymore.

Again, I have two close friends who married men in this situation and are happy stepmums.

I should add, my ex h went on to have the snip at 32. He later met a woman who had had her tubes tied at 35 b/c she never wanted kids - a few months before she met him.

They're now happily married and have two lovely cats.

gosh that is early (I was 36). Is there a family history?

That's hard, particularly as she wanted kids . I would mention it as soon as it starts getting serious

Hi Bourneville, there is an organisation called daisymail or daisy network which is precisely for women who have experienced an early menopause. Your friend might find them helpful.

As for when to declare that you can't have children its a hard one. I'm usually very open about it but wait till I feel the time is right to mention it. You just have to go on your instincts I'm afraid, but there are men out there for whom this really is not a problem.

Would it be an idea for her to freeze some of her eggs for use later when she meets a dp/dh? No idea about the success rate of this, or expense, but might be worth looking into....

I think the organisation is called Daisychain..there's also one called the Amerant society I think.

I was told I was 'most likely' going through an early menopause at 23 (mainly due to no periods plus mum and sister both menopaused before 35) - I had just dumped my boyfriend after he proposed as I just didn't think he was 'the one' and felt completely depressed as I wanted a family.
Some of my friends thought I should just try to have a baby whatever..i.e. one-night stand with no precautions...freezing eggs doesn't have a high success rate - freezing an ovarian biopsy is better, egg donation is something to consider (although due to the risks etc. involved it is generally sisters who provide eggs and mine was already post-menopausal).
It took 5 years to get my emotional feet back on the ground - early on in this time I had my first miscarriage (an accidental conception with an on/off boyfriend) which really screwed me up for a long time as I thought I had lost the only baby I'd ever have. I found I naturally told boyfriends quite early on as it was such a big part of who I was at that time.

I finally got together with the man who became dh and realised that I was 'over' the trauma and just wanted to be with him - he knew all about it (he had been a close friend for a few years) and just wanted to be with me - didn't mind not having a biological family....so it is possible to find someone fantastic.

It is really difficult when you feel you are trying to form a new relationship with a ticking clock and I can't offer any advice, just that good friends like you are being to her, are worth the world.

(BTW, I was extremely lucky in that in my case the POF diagnosis was itself a bit premature - I got engaged to dh and fell pg the next month..and with the help of a persona I managed to produce a second baby... I don't think the docs checked enough hormone levels etc. due to my family history).

Here is Daisy Network (formerly DaisyChain) www.daisynetwork.org.uk/

Here is Amerant Trust www.amarantmenopausetrust.org.uk/index.php

and here is the international Premature ovarian failure org www.pofsupport.org

HTH

Thanks everyone, I will pass those websites onto my friend.

I think you'd be surprised just how many men/women do not want children.

My husband and I just passed our 16th anniversery, and we still (both in our mid-30's) have no desire to have children of our own.

To my husband's credit, he told me before we even got married that he really did not want children (he was in the military at the time), and, although many thought that time would change his mind, it never did.

These days, we simply enjoy being able to drop everything and take a 4 day weekend in vegas whenever we want wihtout having to worry abiout child-care, etc. We've decided that if, in the next few years we decide we want children, we'll adopt.

having said that, make sure your friend gets checked out by a qualified health care provider. There are a number of conditions that could be affecting her cycles other than early menopause symptoms, so she should make sure that's what it is BEFORE she worries herself to death