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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

crush--still...advice?

57 replies

sillybum · 29/01/2012 21:28

I posted on here a few months ago about a crush I had been having, and was desparate to stop having. Have a mostly amazing relationship with a loving caring DP, great sex life, etc. But also have an overpowering attraction to this guy, our friend, who is also in a long term relationship and a stay at home dad. Nothing has happened and nothing will. I'm not even sure he's into me but that doesn't matter anyway. The point is we go in cycles (this has been happening for many months now). We'll chat, text, meet up with kids, hang out. All above board and nice. Then at evening events when we're all out with lots of other people (ie when it's safe) there'll be lingering glanceshe'll hold my gazeit's always overpowering. I've tried staying away, but we're close as couples and that would be impossible. After we meet up or talk for a few days we have longish periods of about a month of going cold turkey. and then it all starts up again. And I don't even know what 'it' is because it seems like I'm imagining it all. I try not to initiate conversations but sometimes I can't help my desire to talk to him. I really like his partner too and can't believe I'm feeling this. It sometimes feels like a real betrayal to all of us that i have these feelings.
I should add I have a very full life with lots of activities and a full time job, so please don't tell me to find things to do with my time--i'm already way over-subscribed. I guess I want to hear from others who have experienced this and how you save yourself from yourself IYKWIM.

OP posts:

passionsrunhigh · 29/01/2012 21:32

hmm, it will never stop if you keep seeing him - I'm afraid you'd have to sacrifice your 'couple friendship', surely not too high a price to pay (compared to going crazy - and it will become more addictive, not less)!

Original poster

sillybum · 29/01/2012 21:34

yes but that would be hard to explain to my partner and his.

OP posts:

passionsrunhigh · 29/01/2012 21:35

you could at least stop the one to one meetings (with kids), and try to reduce meeting as a couple - if you ae busy generally then it should be easy to make excuses.

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 21:37

OP, you aren't as in to your DP as you think you should be. Look at what you really want. A crush happens and sticks because you don't have something going on with who you are with (unless a very long terms thing, and you still have issues to cross)

Dump time and re-evaluate.

passionsrunhigh · 29/01/2012 21:38

you should stop texting etc - no one to explain this to! if he asks, say you aer more busy than usual from now on. I can tell you that if you fall in love, it can take years to get over it and cause misery all round. If he stays at home he might be just bored with lack of grown up contact and you are filling a gap, but it's you who is in danger of falling in love.

kodachrome · 29/01/2012 21:42

Stop making a prat of yourself.

Stop seeking his gaze in crowded rooms. Stop singling him out for chats. Stop texting him and hanging out.

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 21:42

Or dump your DP, see if he dumps his and you never know! Maybe you were always meant to be together and then, great. Doing this is shit, calling it a "crush" is shit - i had a crush on Donny Osmond. Get real OP.

Original poster

sillybum · 29/01/2012 21:56

right. i know i must come across as really shallow here. but the 'crush' developed during a year when I had a serious illness a toddler to care for and was the the only one in my house with a job. my DP was pretty emotionally stressed and not as present as usual, and has in recent months really come back to his former self where he is amazing and supportive. crushes don't come from nowhere, and I wasn't seeking this guy out. To be honest i was flattered at the attention i was receiving, and needed more of it. but it's true that i have to stop it. i guess i'm trying to understand why i need this now that things are better

OP posts:

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 21:58

Only you can answer that one then can't you. Maybe a bit too late for you huh. Sometimes things don't come back, too much damage. Don't cheat though, its bad on ones self respect. End and go there, don't complicate matters.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 22:41

get a grip

really

kodachrome · 29/01/2012 22:45

You don't need it, you're just being self-indulgent. You're enjoying it.

BeerTricksP0tter · 29/01/2012 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stargazy · 30/01/2012 08:29

Stop the one to one meets chats and texts-now- if you truly love your DH.And yes get a grip.I was on the other side of this with OW who developed an almighty crush on my DH and they met in a public place just 'as friends'.Both got addicted to the flattery and flirting.Several months later and she's declaring that she loves him and sending explicit texts -her partner sees them,I find out and lots of damage all round to the 'friendship'.See what I mean-that's how easy it is to to go from 'hi how are you' to something that can cause a lot of hurt.
How would you feel if your DH was giving long lingering looks over your shoulder to his wife?It would hurt I guess.

AltShiftDelete · 30/01/2012 08:41

Tell your husband that there is beginning to be a thing between the pair of you so you have to stop being friends. It'll be easier than telling him that you've shagged him, believe me.

Original poster

sillybum · 30/01/2012 11:20

AltshiftDelete, thanks and I agree, but i also wonder whether it's selfush to tell him and would make him unnecessarily sad. I should just aim to distance myself as everyone has said. I've thought of how I would feel a million times if the shoe was on the other foot and I know I would be crazily jealous. How's that for double standards?
I have to say, I wasn't prepared for all the abuse I'd get here such as being called a prat, childish and being told to get a grip. Emotions are part of being human. Being an adult means not acting on every single one you have. Thanks to those of you who have responded kindly.

OP posts:

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 30/01/2012 12:52

OP - Your post confuses me, you say you have a great relationship with your DP, yet you seem to want someone else's and ruin it for both families (or have I completely misunderstood your post?)

Why can you not just stop seeing the OM?

ClaraSage · 30/01/2012 13:13

Sillybum, what sort of advice did you expect?
It does seem a little bit silly, two married grown ups stealing glances at each other. He must be filling some void in your life or at least relationship for you to keep this crush going.

rednailpolish · 30/01/2012 14:20

I think some of you have been a little harsh on the OP... she did come here for advice, not abuse. Perhaps this has not happened to her before and she just needs help to understand what is going on!

OP.. sometimes there is a genuine connection between people that is very difficult to fight and sometimes its just a passing 'crush' because there is something missing in your own relationship. I would advise that you dont take it any further, that gets terribly messy and painful for all involved. from experience I can tell you that sometimes it is impossible to escape from genuine feelings/love/attraction to another person because that person is or becomes the one you know you need to be with. But whatever you do, dont complicate life by getting involved while you are with your DP... that rarely works out well and you will get hurt. If you think the OM is 'the one' then you need to resolve your relationshop with your DP first.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 16:26

OP has received the appropriate advice

izzyisin · 30/01/2012 17:14

At the time of wriiting, I haven't read any abusive comments on this page and it seems to me that you've taken offence at being told what you don't to hear.

As for AF's comment 'get a grip' - I second that advice as it would appear that you're loving the melodrama of drooling over Mr Sahd - and sad is what all of the parties in your fantasy personal little soap opera will be if they twig what you're up to.

As for 'going cold turkey'; save the bird for sandwiches and try taking a shower in the cold water of reality.

Next time Mr Sahd catches your gaze across a crowded or uncrowded room, blink and look away.

izzyisin · 30/01/2012 17:15

what you don't want to hear.

AltShiftDelete · 30/01/2012 17:26

I once avoided it, the longing glances were still thrown my way and I caved. Even with a bit of sexting there was still a WORLD of hurt and there was no real action (snogged him once). I didn't even fancy him, just liked him as a mate but he was just someone who suddenly 'saw' me in my unhappy marriage. Sometimes we're vulnerable and it's best to try and work out why first.

Olivetti · 30/01/2012 18:25

There are some truly horrible people on here.
Anyway, back to the OP. It's completely normal to feel attracted to other people, and you sound like a nice person, in a happy marriage, which probably makes you even more attractive to other people! As humans, I think we have a natural tendency to think the grass could be greener - but you know in reality it probably wouldn't be. If your feelings are that intense, I think you will have to find a way of ensuring you don't see him. However, feelings DO pass, no matter how intense, so if you can be strong and ensure nothing happens (and nothing's inevitable, sex never "just happens"), you will get over it, I'm sure.

Wishing you all the best.

stargazy · 30/01/2012 19:46

Didn't mean to sound overly harsh.In my long marriage of course there have times when I've men other than my DH and felt the odd quiet crush or attraction.Nothing wrong with a bit of quiet daydreaming.But when you start to put it out there with lingering looks,finding opportunities to be in each others company alone and texting a lot then you're already crossing some boundaries IMO.Not just thinking of the hurt it would cause your DH and his wife but to you Sillybum.

Original poster

sillybum · 30/01/2012 20:25

thanks, it does feel nice to have some reassurance that this is normal. Just to say as well, that I don't invite the gazing--and was really surprised when it started happening. And flattered. I'd barely noticed him before this. He was just one of the gang, nice but nothing exciting. I guess I must have been needing some attention. I know it's pathetic. Sounds familiar what you're saying Altshiftdelete.
Am looking forward to the feelings passing, but as i say, i posted on here months ago, and they still haven't. I managed to ignore or avoid him for a while and then let myself get sucked in to communicating more often. Part of me thinks this could just cool down into a nice friendship (that's allowed, right?!?!) because it hasn't gone beyond him once in a while signing a text message with an x or two. (not sure if i'm taking it too seriously, lots of people sign off like that right??)
Anyway I know I'm rambling but just trying to work through this in my head. And also to say i didn't invite his attention. It was just there for a long time and one day i took notice.
But I would never, ever let anything happen, and I'm in counselling trying to figure out why i need this in my life.
thanks again to those of you who've shared your own experiences.

OP posts:

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