crush--still...advice?

[sillybum]

I posted on here a few months ago about a crush I had been having, and was desparate to stop having. Have a mostly amazing relationship with a loving caring DP, great sex life, etc. But also have an overpowering attraction to this guy, our friend, who is also in a long term relationship and a stay at home dad. Nothing has happened and nothing will. I'm not even sure he's into me but that doesn't matter anyway. The point is we go in cycles (this has been happening for many months now). We'll chat, text, meet up with kids, hang out. All above board and nice. Then at evening events when we're all out with lots of other people (ie when it's safe) there'll be lingering glanceshe'll hold my gazeit's always overpowering. I've tried staying away, but we're close as couples and that would be impossible. After we meet up or talk for a few days we have longish periods of about a month of going cold turkey. and then it all starts up again. And I don't even know what 'it' is because it seems like I'm imagining it all. I try not to initiate conversations but sometimes I can't help my desire to talk to him. I really like his partner too and can't believe I'm feeling this. It sometimes feels like a real betrayal to all of us that i have these feelings.
I should add I have a very full life with lots of activities and a full time job, so please don't tell me to find things to do with my time--i'm already way over-subscribed. I guess I want to hear from others who have experienced this and how you save yourself from yourself IYKWIM.

I believe you Op when you say you've got a great relationship and a great sex life. Crushes don't just turn up because a relationship is miserable, although people tend to sabotage their relationships to allow a crush to deepen, that's for sure. The reason this has happened is more likely to lie within yourself and your own personality, than in your relationship. Ask yourself, why do you crave attention from other men? Are you insecure about your attraction to men? Does their attention validate you in a way that other good things in your life do not?

I think you want him to take all the responsibility for it, so if you do end up crossing a line you can say that you didn't intend for anything to happen. You had the willpower though to step away from that meeting at your house. You need that again, but you need to make your actions more definite and proactive. Stop the meet-ups and stop the texting. See him only with his partner or in a crowd. If he asks why, simply tell him that you were starting to feel uncomfortable about the situation, but don't go in for long-winded explanations and DEFINITELY don't admit an attraction for him.

And OP you do need to see this man for what he is, flirting and texting behind his wife's back! Weak, sly and deceitful perhaps? Don't be too flattered, he knows you're grateful, which is sad.

A secure,confident woman would laugh in his face! Especially at those lingering glances! ''..he'll hold my gaze, it's always overpowering...''(Has he been watching Birdsong?!)

I am being very harsh here but in the cold light of day, both of you are being overly self indulgent and 'silly' to put it mildly.

Just to share my experience, I had a friendship with a newly single SAHD while I was not getting on brilliantly with DH. We'd go out with our DCs and spend the sort of family time I really wanted my DH to spend with us, we'd have coffee and long intimate chats while DCs played upstairs, would end texts with xxs (this is what first made me sit up and take notice - he must like me if he's sending me 'x's, right?!)

I tore myself apart thinking of leaving DH and having a relationship with this OM, daydreaming about our perfect blended family life together. We had so much more in common than my DH & I that I really felt that I'd made a huge mistake marrying DH.

Then SAHD mentioned that he met up with other mums & their DCs for similar 'playdates' and started to forget what he'd already told me as he'd obviously told so many people his intimate 'secrets' that he didn't see it as anything special. Then it clicked - this is why we didn't see each other for a few weeks at a time - he was concentrating on someone else for a while.

He mentioned how he always used to think that his XW's texts ending with kisses meant she was being unfaithful, but that now he realised it meant nothing, its just friendly, as that's how he ends all his texts to female friends. That was my bubble burst. I wasn't special to him, just a friend.

Then I saw him for what he was. A lonely SAHD who was reaching out to other parents in a similar situation for a bit of adult company - just as we SAHMs do - and making the best of being in an unusual position. There was nothing untoward about his attention, but I had built it up into something more because I needed to believe that I was attractive and fun to be with.

Now I have focused on my DH and told him that I'd had doubts about our marriage but that I now realise that we have a lot in common and that our differences can work in our favour. We're getting on really well and OM is a distant memory.

Thanks Hattytown, that is helpful :"Ask yourself, why do you crave attention from other men? Are you insecure about your attraction to men? Does their attention validate you in a way that other good things in your life do not?" These are useful questions. About number 2 do you mean about whether i'm attractive to them or whether i'm even attracted to men? It could be both.
Basically, I crave their attraction to me, to use your words. I have very low self-esteem despite me being conventionally attractive (these things are not necessarily contradictory, are they?). When I'm under stress this low self-esteem becomes exaggerated i think. I have an abusive past (childhood), which could explain a lot of this stuff around secrecy.
Yes, so attention from men validates some pretty core aspects of my personality, but all this did start when my partner was basically absenting himself whilst i was left to cope on my own with a little child. So it's both. We've gotten our relationship back on track, but i've been so low lately because of my work pressures that this has provided an outlet through which to fantasize.

ClaraSage, thanks for your input. I'm not sure I see it that way. He's parenting on his own while his partner is away long hours. It is hard to do this. Parenting was never meant to be something we do alone. People get down. I don't see him as weak--especially because I can see that he is trying to avoid somethng happening between us as well (or so i imagine). Our texts are never flirtatious. possibly humorous, but never overtly flirtatious. As TheEpilator said, he's probably thinking nothing of his occassional x's at the end of a text message...it's just me inventing it because i need to be validated.

On a positive note, I'm focusing on my relationship with DP, planning a holiday, making sure we spend some time each night reconnecting. And I told him today that I spoke with OM (he's not even an OM, but not sure what to call him!) and told him exactly what we spoke about. So it's not behind his back. And his partner knows we chat too occasionally, so it's all above board. (possibly convincing myself a bit here--still making excuses....sorry MNetters, I'm a bit of a challenge i guess)

Hi

Just thought I would add my thoughts!

Your post could have been written by me 2 years ago! I totally know what you mean and feel torn as I know what u mean by need
We both ended up getting in too deep and to say it went tits up was an understatement as we both got in too deep emotionally
We don't see each other now because we don't attend the same Playgroup, he has a Job as both kids are now in school, but I still miss him even though it almost cost me my marriage. And sometimes wonder if we made the wrong choice to stick with our respective partners as it may have been the best match?!
But I'll never know!

I haven't read all of the replies, so I hope I'm not repeating anything,

This man is loving the drama... he is fantasizing most likely about sex... not romance I'm afraid. He is reeling you in with the 'looks' and the 'meetings' then bottling out. He probably hopes one day you'll force him into sex, then he will not have the guilt that he instigated it. He needs to grow up.

But you need to be very VERY wary of him. He is playing you. What sort of a bloke gives 'looks' to another women behing his partners back??? A rat is the answer.

Please don't meet him again. Don't indulge his looks.. or even better.. yawn. Then take a long look at your DP who isn't giving 'looks' to anyone but you.

x x

But OP, how does 'parenting on his own while his partner is away long hours' excuse his mild flirtation with you? He is being disloyal to her (as your DP)and so are you.
And those 'lingering looks' are just plain silly to the outsider , you may be flattered but if I saw that I would think to myself ''look at those 2 pratts behaving like 2 love stuck teens''!
Humming the theme tune to 'Love Story'.......