crush--still...advice?

[sillybum]

I posted on here a few months ago about a crush I had been having, and was desparate to stop having. Have a mostly amazing relationship with a loving caring DP, great sex life, etc. But also have an overpowering attraction to this guy, our friend, who is also in a long term relationship and a stay at home dad. Nothing has happened and nothing will. I'm not even sure he's into me but that doesn't matter anyway. The point is we go in cycles (this has been happening for many months now). We'll chat, text, meet up with kids, hang out. All above board and nice. Then at evening events when we're all out with lots of other people (ie when it's safe) there'll be lingering glanceshe'll hold my gazeit's always overpowering. I've tried staying away, but we're close as couples and that would be impossible. After we meet up or talk for a few days we have longish periods of about a month of going cold turkey. and then it all starts up again. And I don't even know what 'it' is because it seems like I'm imagining it all. I try not to initiate conversations but sometimes I can't help my desire to talk to him. I really like his partner too and can't believe I'm feeling this. It sometimes feels like a real betrayal to all of us that i have these feelings.
I should add I have a very full life with lots of activities and a full time job, so please don't tell me to find things to do with my time--i'm already way over-subscribed. I guess I want to hear from others who have experienced this and how you save yourself from yourself IYKWIM.

Everyone has different perspectives and some use xx's to all and sundry.Not me or my DH.Only to each other or our DC's or very close friends and family.Which is why finding out he and his 'friend' had built up to exchanging up to 100 plus texts a week all signed off with xx's came as a huge shock.He could see later how he got into the habit of mirroring her style of flirty banter and how with each step to becoming more 'intimate' in their chats what would have initially made him think twice became almost normal.Altho he knew it wasn't as deleting texts and keeping extent of their friendship secret by this stage.
All I'm saying is it is a slippery slope we could all find ourselves on,but at certain times in our life perhaps more vulnerable to.Well done you for owning up to/ recognising that.Just don't be too drawn in by the flattery if you really love your DH.

I agree with stargazy. Flattery and flirting are addictive - you crave the high you get from each text/look. You are building it all up in your mind, and it's the rush you are enjoying, rather than the content, if that makes sense. The danger is, like any addiction, you need more and more to satisfy you, and that's never going to end well.

'There are some truly horrible people on here', Olivetti?

Would those be the people who can envisage the hurt and harm that will be caused to 2 innocent and unaware partners/spouses and assorted dc if the OP doesn't take a reality check and stops making sheep's eyes at another man?

The OP said that 'crushes don't come from nowhere' and she 'wasn't seeking this guy out'. She's also has said she was going through a low point in her life and she was flattered by the attention she received from him.

IMO the OP needs to learn from this experience that when the going gets tough, the answer isn't to be found in hitting on another woman's spouse/partner to make herself feel good.

FWIW, any crushes I've experienced have come entirely out of the blue and have evaporated immediately if I've discovered that the object of my lust wild imaginings is married or otherwise engaged.

OK, to back myself up as one of the truely horrible people.

My DP is a SAHD, he spends all day surrounded with women, and I have to put up with comments from colleagues all day about do I trust him and the answer has always been yes of course, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him if I didn't.... Until recently...

One of the mums who lives near by (so we often see each other at weekends, and do things as a family) has been obviously going through a bit of a rough patch with her DP, has been spending more and more time with DP, and when I get home, she quickly makes her excuses and leaves, never seems interested in chatting to me when I get home, or when we all get together, even though we were friends when we were both off on Mat leave with our DD's. I've noticed she always texts him to suggest coffee at the weekend, never me anymore. The texts exchanged are probably what I would describe as overly friendly, certainly more than I would send to any of my male friends.

So do I suspect something? Probably, I'm not sure, it all just seems a bit weird at the moment.

So yes, I'm probably being horrid, but the situatuion is far too close to my own to consider it OK.

oh dear, prof, are you ok ?

have you spoken to your h ?

oh forgot to say, I am one of those horrible people too, if anyone would like to ignore me completely, it's best we clear that up

Profcox, I'm so sorry to hear that. It does sound a bit weird. And thanks for clearing things up. If I was in your position (and I sort of was last year except it wasn't another woman it was his work--always out, always another meeting, another project another commitment that didn't involve me), I would be suspicious. But maybe she feels you haven;t made an effort with her? Just reflecting on my own situation where his partner is always initiating plans with me and then cancelling, and then making plans again. I know that makes me feel a bit shy of her and insecure about our friendship. Whereas her partner who does generally make plans and then stick to them comes out as the more caring, friendly of the two. It's not her fault though, she might be feeling the way you are about the friendship.
It's not nice having any of these feelings, and my addiction to the attention he gives me makes me question my sanity and self-esteem. Being in therapy is helping me to sort it out. but it helps to see it from the other side too.

btw- I didn't hit on someone else's partner. That would be horrible.

Please, from someone who has been there and got the fucking tshirt, quit while you are ahead.

Yes, crushes are normal but do not be tempted to take it further. You have a lovely DP, a great sex life you do not want to throw this away.

Focus on your dp, maybe take a weekend away together.

The grass is not greener.

@ AnyFucker thanks for asking, I'm as ok as I can be, not quite sure where I stand and what I want to do, we've just got engaged and now all this.

I spoke to DP and he just laughs it off, but nothing changes and I can't help but feel I'm being taken for a mug again. (SBXH - was shagging about 5 different women before I found out)

Took me years to build up my self esteem after that, but find myself fast spiralling back to the person who questions what I've done wrong, and if I'm going mad/making this stuff up in my head.

Anyway - don't want to hijack someone else's thread, just wanted to give another point of view.

@sillybum, I really don't know we've always arranged stuff previously, and I've never cancelled on her and the during the week stuff makes perfect sense, but at the weekends, maybe she's just changed her habits, but it seems weird that if DP is out and I text her to pop over for a coffee, she's never free, but within minutes of DP getting home, she'll text asking him if she can pop over.

Dunno - maybe I'm putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5

OP - When on occasion I have met someone attractive who has tried to flirt with me or been suggestive and I have noticed and been flattered to the extent that I see them as a man and not just as a colleague/acquaintance here is what I do.

I politely decline/mention my fantastic husband as appropriate and remove myself completely from their presence.
I make sure I am never alone with them again and maintain a polite but distant manner if I can't avoid them, as you would with a salesperson.
I go home and tell DH, ?Acquaintance asked me out for lunch/coffee/a drink. I?m probably imagining it but I think he might have been flirting. Something didn?t sit quite right with me about it, as you know, I am married to you and you?re my number one and only bloke. Shall we do something nice together soon? I feel like we haven?t had much couple time recently?. Hug/Kiss/Fade to black.

Overly cautious? Possibly, but there is no way I'm going to mess up what I have with DH.

Prof, don't try and be "cool" about something that is clearly upsetting you (just because he tells you that you are imagining things)

personally, if your fiance's relationship with this woman is not that important to him, the he would be willing to cool it, wouldn't he ?

wouldn't he ?

then

Can't you see that all those texts and lingering glances is the equivalent of hitting on him, sillybum?

You've had thoughts about him that you wouldn't be happy to reveal to either his partner or yours, and you've convinced yourself that you're in the grip of an 'addiction' and you can't break the habit.

You've used him to feed your ego and fuel your fantasies and now it's time put these thoughts of him out of your head and get back to reality.

I think you're justifying yourself a bit there, sillybum. (I know I'm one of the "horrible" people - I was going for the cold shower approach and I don't apologise for that.)

It's really not ok to focus on your friend's dp because she's less available when you know you harbour this crush on him. It's not all innocent, and you know it.

You shouldn't be seeking him out, exchanging gooey looks and being unable to resist cosy chats. You're actually perfectly able to avoid that. The truth is really that you're enjoying it and don't want to resist - but it's a self-indulgence you can't really afford. A big fat mess could easily be created if you don't stop playing this game.

Prof cox follow your intuition.If something is making you uneasy then you probably are right to have concerns.Looking back I was far too chilled and easy going about my DH's 'friend'at work.Before she disappeared off the radar of conversation he let slip the odd little in-joke they shared etc. and I used to think nothing and was even glad he seemed to be enjoying some banter etc as previous to this he'd had a horribly stressful few years in business.Little did I know that when he stopped mentioning her they had increased the flirting and contact.
As Freedom says so well you can step away from this situation and shift the focus back on your lovely DH.

Deep breath - Ive been here . And more , and im not proud of it .

You said this started when you were in some sort of crisis . Same here , and its not unusual for someone in turmoil to create a distraction for themselves . Are you sure the crisis is really over ?

You also say you have a amazing relationship and a great sex life . I find this really difficult to beleive . How great can it be when you are invested in someone else ? Getting together with the kids is an excuse to spend time , you do not do this when you are 100 per cent invested in your partner . You are betraying your partner emotionally by flirting like this , and that never leaves a relationship in the happy state you describe . I think you need to be honest about how you feel about your partner .

Are you harbouring resentment about the time your partner wasnt supportive ? I think you have given yourself permission to do this , you wouldnt be doing it otherwise . Youll likeley have an internal dialougue that says things like " Im not doing anything wrong / im entitled to flirt / gaze / text because ,,,,".

What is because Op ?

Diggs, you're probably right that there is resentment, and life is hard with a young child and no family around to help out. I've been trying to figure this out. It seems like a great relationship but I'm probably still a bit angry with him. My internal dialogue, however, is not what you say, it's more like: 'this is really bad, but as long as i don't pursue him it's probably not too bad (AHEM, big LIE to myself). i won't text him unless he texts me.' totally childish behaviour. the question is why? I am a relatively sane, intelligent, usually confident person with a good career and a strong sense of who i want to be in the world. so this is really out of character for me.

@ProfCox, i'm totally fine with you hijacking this thread. I think we have mutually relevant issues here. Thank you for your insights and generosity.

What would you do if he was to make a pass at you , Really ?
Do you secretly hope he will ?

i don't know. We once arranged for me to return something of his which he 'forgot' at our house, he arranged it for a time when his DP would be out, in the evening. I went to give it to him, he invited me in and I didn't go, made an excuse and left. It was terrifying and made me feel sick. We had much less contact for a few months and then saw each other at a gathering and arranged a playdate. Playdate was fun and fine, and then we had a conversation or two electronically for a few days and now it's trailed off and I'm not pursuing it.
I think even just writing about it here brings it alive--ie makes it into something...better here than in real life!
I guess I secretly hope he will make a pass at me. But equally I would be horrified and not let it happen. It's like I want the drama. Which is odd because that's not something i thought I needed anymore.

If you pursue it/encourage it to the point where eg. you make a pass at each other or text inappropriate stuff to each other and it gets found out- as so often it does- you will get all the drama and more believe me.I really believe my DH convinced himself ,as did his 'friend' they were just indulging themselves in some harmless fun and they could stop anytime they wanted.But it took the wake up call of her distraught partner to make him realised he had normalised behaviour than was disloyal and anything but normal for him.
It won't be easy to step back but please do and examine what else is going on in your life /marriage at the mo to make you feel the way you do.You sound to be trying hard to do this.Good luck.

Please stop Silly, avoid him politely and gradually phase him out.
Just before Cmas I was enjoying, what I thought was, banter with an ex colleague of my DH's. He moved from public messaging to private, all innocent fun chat with me mentioning my DH throughout. Suddenly he asked me out! I was insulted NOT at all flattered and felt he had abused our friendship. I cut all contact thereafter.
Because I have been cheated on and know these friendships can cross the line. I have no respect for this 'friend' now as he knows I am married and is/was a friend of my DH's. So how stupid is he?

I think you are on dangerous territory here Silly . Its going to take a lot of self examination to get you out of this mind set . The punch line is , its unlikeley to be this actual man you are attracted to , its probably how he makes you feel .

Is this the first time you have found yourself in this position ? Have you ever been unfaithfull previously , or wanted to be ?

you are playing a dangerous game, sillybum

many good people have tinkered along the path you are messing about with, and lived to regret the fallout very badly indeed

I read a lot about affairs when this happened to me . I coughed it , and it served the purpose of getting me out of an abusive marriage . Some might say that he deserved it , i would disagree . No one deserves it , and im not just talking about the unsuspecting partner . If this goes anywhere , you will pay a price personally that is just too high . You pay with your integrity , with the realisation that your not the person you thought you was , that you can lie and cheat , and better still you enjoyed it .

If anything happens its likeley your marriage will die in that moment . Your H cannot win a competition he doesnt know hes entered , and you cannot possibly compare married sex with the thrill of elicit romps .

I think you have to be honest with yourself . Ideally , would you like a relationship with this guy ? Or just a fling ? How do you feel about his wife ?