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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you tell him that you thought he was overweight?

53 replies

Ploink · 29/01/2012 20:06

I put this in WWYD but not a single reply!

If your partner/DH etc was overweight (not huge amounts, just enough to grow a little tummy and a little double chin) would you tell them? I mean if you loved them anyway but perhaps prefered them slim?

Obviously there is the health issue and I suppose you could put it that way.

What if they didn't want to do anything about it or did but didn't actually make much effort?

What if you didn't really fancy them so much when a bit chubbier? Would you tell them?

OP posts:

kodachrome · 29/01/2012 20:07

Would you want him to tell you he thought you were a bit of a porker?

LeoTheLateBloomer · 29/01/2012 20:07

Re-read that and imagine it is a man talking about a woman. What would you think then?

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2012 20:08

This won't go down well but I would say if it bothered me. I'd expect him to do the same.

JustHecate · 29/01/2012 20:10

As long as you would be happy if he did the same.

You're getting a bit porky, ploink. You really aren't doing it for me any more.

As long as you wouldn't cry and expect that if he loved you, he loved you, regardless, then YANBU.

But if you would want different treatment for yourself - then YABU

MoggieThatcher · 29/01/2012 20:12

You could try and get him involved in something like running or cycling. Maybe say that you'd like to do more active things together?

kerfuzzled · 29/01/2012 20:15

I would tell him, but obviously be careful how you say it if he is a sensitive soul.

GodKeepsGiving · 29/01/2012 20:17

I think it depends on the situation and the motivation. My DH is quite overweight and I am terribly worried about him, there is a family history of heart disease and strokes. I have talked to him about it a lot and I am in a similar position because of an overactive thyroid. It has made no difference to how attracted I am to him, I still feel the same way about him. However, I was incredibly hurt when we talked about my weight problems as it turned out he had been having online affairs and his interest in my weight was more about his gratification than my health. You could always try leading by example and say that you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle, but I would be very wary of mentioning sexual attraction. Could you cook him healthier meals and have more sex ? Might slim him down and keep the love alive.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 29/01/2012 20:29

No, my DP's a grown up, can tell if his trousers are getting tighter for himself and is responsible for his own health. I would of course be supportive if he wanted to lose weight and suggested it himself. He is a bit larger than when we first got together but I still fancy him - I can't imagine going off him whatever size he was.

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:33

OP you do sound a bit weight particular for a want of a better word, but then thats important to you. It's not a major for most that love their partners for other things. If he was becoming rather massive then, yes, I'd not fancy him any more but a stone or two either way, hmmmmm.

jasperJohns · 29/01/2012 20:33

Yup - no problem. I have a hawk eye and can spot even a 3 or 4 pound weight gain on my dh. He's the same with me.

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:35

Thank god I'm not in a relationship with you jasper

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 29/01/2012 20:35

3 or 4 pounds? My weight fluctuates more than that on a daily basis

KurriKurri · 29/01/2012 20:36

My DH tells me I am overweight (I also have thyroid problems and am on anti cancer drugs - all of which make weight loss difficult - though not impossible, I'm not trying to make excuses). I do make an effort - I exercise every day but it's hard to shift.

He says he's doing it to be helpful, it makes me feel like shit frankly.

So tread carefully, - being made to feel by your partner that they don't like your appearance is very demoralising. Also, if he's overweight, he knows he's overweight, he doesn't need you to tell him. You could make life easier for him by making sure there aren't too many temptations around in the house, or by suggesting a joint activity like swimming or going on walks.

jasperJohns · 29/01/2012 20:36

You said it mojito! I'm a nightmare.

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:37

as long as its the both of you, no probs

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 29/01/2012 20:41

KurriKurri :( have you told him how this makes you feel? I think it's unacceptable for anyone to say that really, but to someone who has a thyroid problem it's disgraceful - to someone who is on anti cancer drugs it's bloody unforgiveable actually :(

TooEasilyTempted · 29/01/2012 20:46

My DH is ripped, and I'm a size 8. Both of us like that when we got together and still like that 10 years on. As much as I'd still love my DH if he gained weight, I wouldn't fancy him if he started getting a little pot belly and double chin. He says the same about me. If I fancied the chubby look then that's what I'd have gone for from the start. So if I thought he was getting a bit porky, yes I'd say something, I'd have to because it'd be obvious to him after a short while that I didn't fancy him any more.

KurriKurri · 29/01/2012 20:47

I have told him Chipping, - but somehow he's not getting the message - he says he's not trying to be hurtful, but he's worried about my health. He's generally a nice man, but not when it comes to this - he's seems to have a bee in his bonnet about it.

But he will say 'I don't think you should have that bowl of cereal/sandwich' whatever, then he will come home from work with a big bar of chocolate which I find hard to resist having a few squares of. So he doesn't exactly help.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 29/01/2012 20:47

I am a fatty. If DH pointed this out to me, I would just be wondering, 'Does he think I haven't noticed???'

Mind you, my weight is a non-issue (sexually) as he likes it rather than dislikes it.

He used to be pretty slim himself but was pretty chubby when we married and i have to say I didn't really notice (weight gain of 2 stone he told me). I think people should love their spouse and that means accepting them no matter who fat/thin etc they are.

twolittlemonkeys · 29/01/2012 20:47

I think it can be done but you have to pick your time and do it tactfully, approach it from the point of view of 'I'm worried about your health and want you around as long as possible.' Eventually this worked with my DH (who is about 5 stone overweight) though I have always made sure to tell him I love him regardless and still fancy him etc. Also I recently started cooking Slimming World friendly meals and just cutting out the fat and not buying other things he would snack on. He was a bit suspicious at first but has finally admitted (after 8 years of me hinting) that he is glad I care enough to help him lose weight and as long as I keep cooking healthy food, he will stop snacking, do more exercise and try his best to lose weight. He lost 4lb in the past week :)

twolittlemonkeys · 29/01/2012 20:52

BTW my DH really did have his head in the sand - he would say clothes had shrunk or that the shop were making sizes smaller (even though the waist sizes were in inches and therefore standard!) I am half a stone lighter now than when we got engaged, but he has put on over a stone since then.

Kurrikurri :( for you, especially when it's outside your control with the drugs you're on. Shame on him for eating chocolate in front of you! Even though I don't need to lose weight I am supporting DH, eating SW food and avoiding chocolate etc. Otherwise it'd be really unfair.

Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45 · 29/01/2012 20:58

yes but don't mention the sexual attraction bit....that would be devastating. Unless you position yourself so that his gut makes an embarrassing slapping noise by itself and you grab onto and hold his double chin during sex...then he'll get the hint.

I don't lust after my husband as much as when I first met him, tanned and ripply, however after years of illness I have porked myself so can't be judgey...especially as it never bothers him.

I'd be a bit worried about marrying someone too appearance obsessed tbh, as i have experienced, illness and disability affect you beyond your own fault and metabolism and when I needed my husband most he stuck with me and fancied me when I went up 2 dress sizes, and that is a pretty lovely characteristic in him. The last thing I would have neededwas someone beasting me for being a blimp.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 29/01/2012 21:00

KurriKurri - he will say 'I don't think you should have that bowl of cereal/sandwich' - have you told him to fuck off and mind his own fucking business? It's not acceptable for any adult to tell another adult whether they should be eating a meal or not - let alone one who is on drugs etc. I would tell him, quite seriously, that if he mentions it again he can find somewhere else to live - you do not need that kind of crap. If he's nice in other ways he can channel some energy into not being a complete wanker about what you are or aren't eating.

Lizzabadger · 29/01/2012 21:04

I'd be irritated if a partner commented on small weight gains or tried to tell me to eat less. I think a stealth approach of a joint health kick/active hobby is likely to be more effective.

Ragwort · 29/01/2012 21:11

No I wouldn't. I have had a life long battle with my weight (due to being a glutton ) and my DH has known me as a size 10 (rarely) and much, much larger. I know when I have put on weight and I don't need him to tell me; I know he 'prefers' me slimmer - for health reasons - but he never makes any rude comments when I am larger, although he does compliment me when I have lost weight - I would never comment on his weight - although he is one of those rare people whose weight never seems to change!!

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