Would you tell him that you thought he was overweight?

[Ploink]

I put this in WWYD but not a single reply!

If your partner/DH etc was overweight (not huge amounts, just enough to grow a little tummy and a little double chin) would you tell them? I mean if you loved them anyway but perhaps prefered them slim?

Obviously there is the health issue and I suppose you could put it that way.

What if they didn't want to do anything about it or did but didn't actually make much effort?

What if you didn't really fancy them so much when a bit chubbier? Would you tell them?

It's hardly going to be 'a health issue' if he's just got a slight tummy- being in the 'overweight' BMI category is actually associated with longer life expectancy than being in the normal one. If he was obese, maybe it would make sense to discuss it as a health concern, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. However I think you should tell him so he can go and find someone less shallow to have a relationship with. I would certainly dump anyone who came out with such crap to me, after referring them to actual medical evidence on health and weight and pointing out they were stupid as well as unpleasant.

I'm not sure. I am in this position a bit too.

My dh is 2 stone heavier than when we married and he has quite a large gut which over hangs his trousers. He constantly talks about sorting it out, cutting down the beer and crisps, and making half hearted attempts at exercise classes

But the unfortunate truth is that exercising bores the shit out of him, he doesnt see the point of walking for exercise sake and would rather spend an evening in front of the tv with crips.

This annoys me. I put on a lot of weight last year, (about a stone) and I started walking 4 to 5 days a week, cut down on choc and wine, and had lost the stone within 3 months. He could easily do this if he really wanted to and would also lose the weight, but he appears to lack any motivation.

I have tried to buy healthy foods, encourage exercise without nagging, get him to walk with me sometimes (he is very reluctant, but all to no avail.

And it is starting to really bug me as I'm afraid i dont find a large belly attractive, and if he was at least TRYING in some small way to lost it i would be 100% behind him. But he is not. i try to keep my weight in check and to look attractive to him, why can he not be bothered to do the same for me??

Thanks for the replies.

I know it's not exactly a pc way to feel but it's the way I feel none the less.

It's a very personal thing isn't it, I think Hecate is absolutely spot on.
DP and I both put on a couple of stones since we met :( we both look disgraceful... We often say we need to do something to get fit and healthy but we are equally lazy - it's really bad!!

kodachrome Would you want him to tell you he thought you were a bit of a porker? Yes I would, but only if asked really. I have recently been losing weight but he's always said it's not necessary when I ask him. He says I don't need to lose weight but them my thighs chafe when i walk so how can I possibly not need to lose weight.

LeoTheLateBloomer Re-read that and imagine it is a man talking about a woman. What would you think then?

I expected someone to say that. I have often seen it mentioned on here that way around. I think it depends on how it's said and to what extreme. If the person has only put on a few pounds for example it would be very strange to mention it.

JustHecate I suspose I'd just want him to be honest if I asked but to put it nicely.

MoggieThatcher I would like to do more exercise activities together but he's just not the sporty type at all!

GodKeepsGiving Could you cook him healthier meals. I've been making healthier meals anyway as I am losing weight at the moment, but I always cook a healthy one for me which is vegetarian and a meat meal for the family. My dcs are on the slim side so I wouldn't want to make them low fat food. My DH though always choses the unhealthiest option.

KurriKurri That's really out of order of your DH!

WibblyBibble It will be a health issue as his family have a strong history of weight related issues. His weight has been creeping up for ages but it suddenly hit me how much he put on when he shaved off his beard! It has really struck me how different he looks! It's freaked me out If he doesn't deal with it now then he will likely get bigger and bigger. So no it might not be affecting his health now but it will if he doesn't do something about it. Saying that though he does have high collesterol already.

However I think you should tell him so he can go and find someone less shallow to have a relationship with. I would certainly dump anyone who came out with such crap to me, after referring them to actual medical evidence on health and weight and pointing out they were stupid as well as unpleasant.

Wow that's harsh!

Irishchic Same problem, crips and beer!

Actually, to turn it around, if I put on 2 stone because i couldnt be bothered to exercise and chose to indulge in chocolate and wine to my hearts content on the sofa in front of the tv every night then I think my dh would be well justified in kicking my ass to touch and telling me i was becoming a slob and to start getting fit and losing the paunch. Sure I would. I wouldnt be a good example to our kids if I wasn't at least making SOME effort to stay fit healthy and at a good weight.

Obv in KurriKurri's eg her dh is TOTALLY out of order and acting like a prick. But if the reasons for unfitness and obesity are pure laziness and lack of self control then IMO someone is justified in taking their partner to task.

Actually, to turn it around, if I put on 2 stone because i couldnt be bothered to exercise and chose to indulge in chocolate and wine to my hearts content on the sofa in front of the tv every night then I think my dh would be well justified in kicking my ass to touch and telling me i was becoming a slob and to start getting fit and losing the paunch. Sure I would. I wouldnt be a good example to our kids if I wasn't at least making SOME effort to stay fit healthy and at a good weight.Obv in KurriKurri's eg her dh is TOTALLY out of order and acting like a prick. But if the reasons for unfitness and obesity are pure laziness and lack of self control then IMO someone is justified in taking their partner to task.

I agree completely with this. My DH has put on over 4 stone since we met and he wasn't skinny then. I weight exactly the same, fifteen years and three babies later and it does really annoy me that I make an effort to look good whereas he does no exercise and eats anything in sight (then moans at me for having biscuits and things in the house). He is now clinically obese and it's not only really healthy but unattractive.

I want to tell him, but reading posts like this make me think that other people feel that if you love someone, you should love them no matter what they look like and should just poke up with it if they pile on weight. There are also plenty of posts from overweight woman who say that their husbands fancy the pants off them even though they've got really fat. That's brilliant, but not everyone feels like that. I don't fancy very overweight people; had he looked like this when we'd met, we wouldn't have got together. Yes, I love him-but I don't fancy him looking like this and I can't make myself. There is horror expressed here if husbands tell their wives they don't fancy them if they put on lots of weight, but I can see exactly how they feel.

Irishchic I wouldnt be a good example to our kids if I wasn't at least making SOME effort to stay fit healthy and at a good weight.

That's a good point!

letseatgrandma I suppose at least with his weight being so extreme at least you can ask him to lose weight for his health, to make sure he's around for his dcs, and to set a good example to them.

I don't fancy very overweight people either. His tummy has been there a while. I said it was tiny in the OP but it's big enough for him to have gone up a trouser size even though he wears his trousers under his "bump". He is aware of this and doesn't like it. As for the double chin, well he doesn't exactly have a prominant chin anyway and when he puts on weight it goes there. It did quite shock me and him as well how much fat he had there, so maybe the shock will make him do something about it. I was probably being polite when I said it was "little".

letseatgrandma I want to tell him, but reading posts like this make me think that other people feel that if you love someone, you should love them no matter what they look like and should just poke up with it if they pile on weight.

Love and sexual desire are obviously linked but you can have one without the other.

I love my husband, but I would find him much more attractive, sexually, if he lost his belly and double chin. I still find him attractive as a person, but not in a sexual sense, iyswim.

I've just hit upon this thread and feel very emotional reading it. I am with letseatgrandma and IrishChic on this issue. My DH has put on a lot of weight over the past couple of years - middle aged spread, I guess. I love him as a person but I am no longer sexually attracted to him, indeed I am bloody angry with him for letting himself go. We are the same age and I too have put a little weight on over the past 20 years but not a great deal. I make a real effort to keep myself looking nice - I watch what I eat and drink and I exercise. I'm no paragon but I am insulted by his lack of effort.
I do encourage him to come out walking with me but he says that due to his stressful job all he wants to do at weekends and evenings is relax in front of the TV.
I have tried the "health" approach as he does not come from healthy stock - mother died young, father had heart problems, but when I do this he turns a bit nasty and makes out I'm almost willing something to happen to him!
For the record, I have told him I find his paunch and double chin unattractive - I think he needs a kick up the arse - but even this seems to have failed to have any effect. I have even said "what will it take to get you to take yourself in hand?" After I had the kids I had put on some weight - I went to Slimming World and lost the excess, keeping most of it off.
I am quite worried that he is a candidate for a coronary
I am not going to apologise if I come over as shallow - this is a very real issue and it is starting to undermine my self-esteem.
What was worst was a very good friend agreed with me when I mentioned this to her - she said she had noticed how he carries a bit of excess weight on his front.
Like you IrishChic I find him attractive as a person but, quite frankly, am repulsed by his big stomach. I feel hateful for saying this.
I don't know what the answer is if they won't exercise or cut back on food.
I keep telling myself I'm not responsible for another adult's problems.
Wondering if as a couple we are doomed.....

Hidari I totally understand where you are coming from.

You want the person you love to be healthy and fit, and at least make some effort in that direction rather than plead a stressful job in order to veg in front of the tv.

Surely a stressful job is all the more reason to keep fit.

It does get to me. And i look at his father who is very very overweight, but then this is a man who gets in his car every day to drive the 100yards to his own sister's house, on the same road as his house is, no matter what. My FIL never ever walks anywhere. i have never seen him out for a walk. My dh went to boarding school where (he says) the food was so shit, he lived on crisps instead.

He is still overly fond of salty greasy food. But I dont think he actually overeats, it is just that he is not active enough to keep the weight down.

And yes, our dh's are adults and we cannot presume to make them change their ways, but if my dh wanted me to lost a bit of weight, for my own health as much as anything else, I reckon i would make that effort for him.

Pity they cannot do the same for us then.

Thanks for the reply IC - yes I use exercise to some extent as a stress-buster. Sorry to say my DH will take the car to get a paper or pint of milk - five minutes walk, if that. And gets ratty with me if I mention susceptibility to heart attacks etc. When attacked, lash out I guess?
The other week I suggested we both spent a bit of time in the garden tidying up - no heavy work, he is happy to pay a gardener to do that - but he wriggled out of that.
He snores a lot and has recurring back problems. I just know that's down to the excess weight but he won't do anything about it.
Same here - don't really think he overeats but likes crisps, nuts, so called crappy fizzy "diet" drinks - horrible chemical concoctions - sorry a bugbear of mine!
We have lovely countryside around us but he never wants to walk with me so I've ended up going out evenings and weekends with likeminded female friends so we can natter and get a bit of exercise at the same time.
DH has never criticised me when I've been a bit overweight at odd times over the years but I am so angry with him lately - he seems to have given up.
Like I said above, just don't know what the answer is....I feel such an unpleasant cow for going on about it but it's a relief to be able to share these thoughts.

Hidari - It is so hard isnt it? Your situation sounds so like mine. Its awful as I KNOW that my dh would benefit from regular exercise. I know this as we are very very alike, too alike in many ways, and all the symptoms of stress he displays now, i too used to have them before I took up exercising. Now, becuae i walk 45 mins every day along the seafront i sleep like a baby, whilst he tosses and turns from 5am onward, his mind racing.

Then he will blow off all the stress every couple of months by getting pissed, which is a crappy and unhealthy short term solution.

But if we try and intervene we are nagging, arent we? Least thats how my dh takes it. So i say nothing, and the situation stagnates. And i try not to feel resentful. I dont always succeed with that.

I call my husband fatman

He calls me thunder hippo

We are very happy and working on our weight together
Well it's on pause til baby arrives

IC, hi again - yes it's terribly hard! We were both tired last night, and I was no help because I poured a glass of wine in order to finish a bottle from the weekend >rolls eyes heavenward sarcastically

IrishChic and TooEasilyTempted, I?m with you on this. My ex was a fit, toned hunk of gorgeousness when I met him, yet piled on a couple of stones and didn?t care. Call me shallow, but I get my rocks off by seeing and feeling a toned body, and although I still loved him I just didn?t fancy him as much as when we first met. I will never find overweight bodies attractive. Plus I only have B cup boobs and I hate it when men have tits the same size as me, or worse still BIGGER!

My present BF is a lovely guy, but I do worry that he will let himself go as he?s not into exercise and has a relaxed view of weight gain in a relationship. All I can do with him is whenever the subject comes up I ?joke? that he?d have to be careful not to get too hard and toned or I?d never keep my hands off him ;-) He knows I?m visually stimulated (plus I love it when I feel muscles not fat!) so hopefully he?ll keep his weight in check. If he got podgier I?d suggest we both do something active such as go for a walk (regularly), and I?d make his portion sizes a little smaller. I?d go for the stealth diet and lots of ooohs and ahhs when I feel his muscles popping up :-P

Wibbly - Are you overweight by any chance?

You did get replies. And mine is the same. If you're doing it for selfish reasons, don't tell him. If you are genuinely concerned about his health, then do.

If he doesn't deal with it now then he will likely get bigger and bigger.

OP, I agree with you that weight gain can creep up on you. It's much easier to not allow that to happen, than to let yourself get several stone overweight and then have a mountain to climb to lose it.

You have a really good reason to encourage your husband to do something about it. My husband is similar, not huge but a bit of a tummy and a bit jowly. (still very attractive despite that!) and comes from a family where they tend to pile on weight in middle age - eat far too much and don't exercise - and end up really overweight and unhealthy, frequently diabetic. I think you said yours has high cholesterol already? So there are valid health-related reasons for tackling the issue - as others have said, you don't have to tell him you don't fancy him, but stressing that you're concerned for his long-term health is fine. Fancying him as he gets thinner would come as a bonus ...

My husband, like some mentioned above, also works really long hours, comes home and slumps in front of the TV. Will exercise (a bit) at weekends only, but does need to think more carefully about what he eats when not at home.

He himself is aware of this middle-aged spread and genuinely doesn't want to end up massively overweight like his relatives, unable to run about with the kids and heading for health problems in later life. We talked about it and came up with a waist measurement, and a weight, that he wasn't "allowed" to exceed. If he reaches that point, he has to do something about it. Not a perfect solution but better than nothing and realistically all that's going to happen while he's in this stressful job.

Good luck with it all

I would, I'd say you are getting fat and I no longer find you sexually attractive. I married someone who got fat from booze. I stopped sleeping with him when I could not see his cock cos his belly was in the way, that and rolling on and rolling off, i.e couldn't have sex with him on top as his belly was too big, and when doing it from behind I could feel his stomach on my back giving me carpet burn.

LOL Fabby

I have but did it tactfully. DH was big when I met him so I can't complain there ( I do still fancy him though)

I wish he told me when I was getting fatter because although I knew I just kept thinking oh, it's a couple of pounds I'll lose it soon and never did and few pounds became a few more.

When I mention my weight to him he justs says 'but you are so lovely' and he still fancies a lot. This hasn't helped me!!!

Some people really have no problem with size, and if you met someone and were slim then got fat they wouldn't mind, but it did bother me. Im not sure why but he was so gorgeous looking an adonis, then all of a sudden he got this huge pregnant belly and it was seriously horrible I had to lift it to suck his cock, not good.

Blimey fabby that has made me laugh!!!
I am trying NOT to imagine that one!!