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Relationships

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Original poster

Let's discuss the old 'She wants kids, he doesn't' chestnut

64 replies

Pruni · 20/01/2006 15:34

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compo · 20/01/2006 15:39

My dh was adamant he didn't want kids. When he proposed I told him I wanted kids and if he didn't there was no point in getting married. We now have a ds and i'm pregnant (early stages) with no.2. I have friends who have got married knowing that one of them did want kids and one of them didn't. Not a good idea because it is just not something you can compromise on. If your friend knows that she really wants kids then it is pointless carrying on with someone who doesn't. But maybe the break will make him realise that he'd sooner be with her and children that be without her

Aloha · 20/01/2006 15:41

It is good she is doing it now. I think I will tell my daughter that if she wants children to get focussed on it by her early thirties at the very least, and not to waste time with men who don't want kids. I met dh at 35 and we talked about children within a couple of weeks.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2006 15:44

I have. We divorced amicably, albeit painfully, b/c we had a good marriage, had been together for 8 years and really loved each other. Best thing for both of us, tho. We're now both remarried happily - him to a woman who never wanted kids, me to someone who - two kids later - obviously did. We are still in touch, both our spouses have met each other, and we're looking forward to seeing htem more often when they move to Germany in March.

I don't believe in trying to change a person's mind, especially when they're in their mid-30s. Sorry, but I just feel when someone reaches that age, he/she really is old enough to come to a decision he/she feels is honestly best for him/her.

Also, having seen the upheaval a newborn brings to a relationship . . . well, it's like high-altitude climbing, you have to really want to be there otherwise you're looking at an awful lot of misery.

Dinosaur · 20/01/2006 15:46

Well, I recently met up with an old male friend who I remember was dead against having kids originally - and his partner really had her work cut out to persuade him - they've got two children now, a girl of nearly seven and a boy of nearly four, and he's really really happy.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2006 15:47

I agree, Aloha! Being nearly 35 myself, I know a lot of women who hung around w/a man who never wanted kids, hoping he'd change his mind. NONE of the men ever did, and some of hte women found themselves w/some broken hearts and not a lot of time left on their radars .

Original poster

Pruni · 20/01/2006 15:48

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Dinosaur · 20/01/2006 15:49

If they split up now, do you know what will happen? In six months time (or less) she'll hear that he's shacked up with someone else and that they're expecting a baby.

Carlk · 20/01/2006 15:51

I never wanted kids, never liked them or had any time for them except maybe as subjects in science experiments.I used to think the whole parenting lark was some sort of pheromone conspiracy where parents were chemically mugged by their offspring to provide for them.

I was given the choice (ha)
Be involved in having kids of dw would have to find someone who did

I of course relented - I know when I've got it good

DW was right and I was wrong it was the best thing we ever did, I love kids now.

there I written it down now I was wrong ok !

Carlk · 20/01/2006 15:53

Oh I'm 41 now and dd is two in april

expatinscotland · 20/01/2006 15:53

Some people are like that, tho, Pruni. I have two very dear women friends who chose not to have kids b/c they were too selfish. They knew it and admitted it to themselves. FAR more mature than going for it anyway, hoping things would be different once they had the child, and then not having that happen. Disaster averted.

The point was, they both made that VERY clear to their partners very early in the game and actively broke it off w/anyone who wanted kids, b/c they knew that person wasn't for them.

There's definitely no shortage of people who feel this way, so they are both happily married to men who never wanted kids. One just had her tubes tied last month. She is 38. The other has been on Depo for years and is in her early 40s.

I don't see the point in having to pursuade a grown person in their mid-30s of such a HUGE decision. Also, what if they didn't change after the baby was born?!

It's not fair. To the partner who wanted the baby. Or, most of all, to the child.

Dinosaur · 20/01/2006 15:53

What is his problem with the idea exactly, Pruni?

expatinscotland · 20/01/2006 15:55

'If they split up now, do you know what will happen? In six months time (or less) she'll hear that he's shacked up with someone else and that they're expecting a baby.'

OR, six months from now, she could be like me, having found someone who wanted kids and sprogged up.

Yep.

I split up w/a bloke who, again, never wanted kids in April. By October of the same year, I was married to DH and expecting.

I couldn't care less about the ex.

It's no reason to stay in a relationship where you're not agreeing on something so incredibly major.

Original poster

Pruni · 20/01/2006 15:55

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melissasmummy · 20/01/2006 15:56

My DH was dead against the idea of having children. After about 8 years of tears, tantrums & trauma I was about to leave when he changed his mind. I became pg after a year of trying & left whilest I was 4 months pg, believing that he only agreed to have a child as I was on the verge of leaving him, as he didn't really show much emotion about the pregnancy.

I went back, as he convinced me that he DID want this baby. Now, when I watch him & our DD play (she is 2.5) & I hate myself sometimes to think that I nearly deprived both of them of such a loving strong relationship.

It is hard when you fall in love with someone who doesn't want kids, I knew as soon as we got together that he didn't, but I loved him so much & at the time it didn't matter, I thought our love was stronger than my desire to have a child.

I took a big risk going back, he took a big risk agrreing in the first place, but it paid off, we emigrate soon & plan to have another ass soon after that as possible, so I guess we made it work, but yes, it was hard.

Carlk · 20/01/2006 16:01

problem is I remember friends saying oh it's diferent when you have your own and I remember thinking, yeh right pheromone victim!
Nothing would convince me.
All throughout the pregnancy I was terrified that I wouldnt care or like my child or would be destined to repeat the mistakes of my parents.
then when I saw her for the first time it was an epiphany I KNEW her name and knew "they" were all right it is different.

I know how this chap feels perhaps

Dinosaur · 20/01/2006 16:04

What are his reasons, Pruni? And what do you think his real reasons are?

Is he scared of loss of freedom? Scared that the baby might have special needs? Or that something might go badly wrong?

Original poster

Pruni · 20/01/2006 16:12

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NotActuallyAMum · 20/01/2006 16:25

Oh gawd - don't get me started on this......

When I met DP I thought I didn't want any children but a few months later I changed my mind. He's had the snip and won't have it reversed - he says he wouldn't want any more even if he hadn't had the snip, which is OK for him because he has a dd....

But, after much soul-searching I've decided to stay with him because I decided that I want him more than I want children but I do have really bad days about it

Agree Pruni that there may not be a compromise - if they're going to stay together one person has to back down

Dinosaur · 20/01/2006 16:34

Seems such a shame though, Pruni, that he can't see that it's really not so bad.

SorenLorensen · 20/01/2006 16:39

It is a hard one because, as you say, you can't compromise like you can with most things.

My brother wanted kids and his dw didn't - they're divorced now. There was more wrong with their marriage than 'just' that but it is pretty fundamental, I think. Can't imagine how I would have felt if dh hadn't wanted children.

Dinosaur · 20/01/2006 16:51

I know, I would have been devastated. I don't think I would have stayed with him.

Aloha · 20/01/2006 17:03

I am afraid I tend to think that when I hear men say 'I don't want kids' what I hear is 'I don't want kids with you'
A good friend of mine spent years with a man who had a child from a previous relationship and swore blind he never wanted any more children and didn't want to marry again. It really upset her, but she decided that she wanted the relationship so much she would make this sacrifice. Several years later, he announces he is having an affair and leaves her on New Year's Day. A couple of months later, he's engaged. A bit further down the line, he's married again with a son. My friend has no children.

WideWebWitch · 20/01/2006 17:06

Tbh I think she's right too, if he really doesn't want them she should go and find someone who does.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2006 17:06

I've known two women that's happened to, Aloha, and I have to say I agree 100%.

You want kids, he doesn't, regardless of whether or not he wants them w/you, when you're 36, it's starting to be a case of fish or cut bait.

Sad, but true.

Trying to pursuade someone when you could be out there getting on w/your life, or perhaps even meeting someone who wants what you do from life?

Well, sounds like a waste of time IMO, no matter what your age.

Life's too short to sell yourself short and have a major part of your happiness dependent on someone else.

beejay · 20/01/2006 17:07

I have loads of friends who are in their early to mid-thirties, in stable relationships, have mortgages jobs etc and are none of them are reproducing ( or even trying). It makes me wonder waht they are waiting for, is it that the men are all avoiding it?

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