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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Let's discuss the old 'She wants kids, he doesn't' chestnut

64 replies

Pruni · 20/01/2006 15:34

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 20/01/2006 21:09

I was about to say the same, go on MI!

MrsMiggins · 20/01/2006 21:41

I always wanted at least 4 children

now getting divorced, I cant see me having more children b/c I dont want present children feeling left out when they go to xH and new children stay with me and new P
(can I just say I have no new partner - speaking hypethically )

ironically H said at a party in 2005 summer "never say never" about having more children but htat clearly wasnt with me

roosmum · 20/01/2006 21:44

only skimmed thread, but you could always do what my mum did...dad didn't want any more, mum did, pill went out the window & he knew nothing about it db promptly arrived a while later!
that's one - probably fairly controversial - way of doing it anyway!

Pruni · 20/01/2006 21:49

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OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/01/2006 21:51

MUCH better off not starting off that way, roos.

I accidentally fell pregnant to an ex - the love of my life. Disaster! The pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage tore us apart.

Not good. Not good at all.

roosmum · 20/01/2006 21:55

i agree re the deceit, i guess she saw it as the only way of getting what she wanted. & she's a determined lady!
luckily dad adores db, always has done, & all was fine.
well, until they divorced a few years later, but that's a v. different story...

bourneville · 20/01/2006 22:20

i think throwing out the pill is a despicable thing to do.

Aloha · 20/01/2006 22:31

dh did it for me, not for him, but lack of sleep notwithstanding, he is glad he did. She's his third but only my second. What about the promise of a maternity nurse for no2? Not really so expensive - maybe a grand for two weeks, 2grand for a month. And your baby would sleep.

catsmother · 20/01/2006 22:55

Sophable, I really really know where you're coming from.

Like you, DP & I already have 1. On paper, we really can't afford to have another one ..... with all the usual implications of more space needed, my earning power reduced etc. It'd mean a lot of juggling that's for sure.

But I am 41 (would be 42 by the time I had it if I got pregnant tonight) ...... so can't help but ask if I do actually have the luxury of waiting until we can afford it ? Plus DD is already 2, so wouldn't want a big gap.

Again like you, I am too upset by it to post at length right now, but the "stalemate" combined I suppose with my biological clock ticking very loudly indeed doesn't do any favours for our relationship unfortunately. It may be petulant but can't help coming back to the fact that time isn't as much of an issue for him as it is for me.

Aloha · 20/01/2006 23:15

You have the rest of your life to earn money. You have no time at all in which to conceive. Does your dp realise what happens to female fertility post 40? I mean, really realise?

Earlybird · 20/01/2006 23:28

Not to make you nervous, but it might be useful to research some statistics on women's fertility. I believe I'm right when I say that it drops measurably at 35, and quite dramatically at 42. You don't have much time in reality.

This is a hard subject....

catsmother · 21/01/2006 12:09

I became pregnant at 24, 37 (miscarried) and again at 38 without any problem, but obviously don't know if I still have any time. For all I know I may have already missed the boat, but without trying how do I know for sure ?

It's a very difficult subject because we do have a lot of financial worries which would be compounded by another child and to have another would mean even more sacrifices (and our lifestyle is pared to the bone already). I think that all things considered, another child probably would put a great strain on things - not least our relationship - and I think DP is genuinely worried it'd be "too much", because inevitably we are already affected by the circumstances we live under (long long story, but both of us working our socks off, ships that pass in the night, no "me" time, let alone "us" time ... you get the picture).

So, from that point of view, I do accept he has a point and an understandable concern.

What I can't get my head around though is imagining us in a couple of years time - say - when DP will have hopefully found a better paid job, when we suddenly realise that yes, we could have afforded another, but by then it's too late. Even if it's not too late, the gap will have enlarged and also our childrearing years will have further stretched out IYKWIM, as opposed to doing it all at once.

It's very very difficult .... because I accept that to have one now would be a gamble - in the respect of hoping that things generally improve for us, but really do feel "it's now or never".

DP is well aware of the fertilty issues but I think is more laid back about it than me. It's such a hard thing to come to terms with ..... if we tried and nothing happened than so be it (I do after all have 1 child with him already and a teenager from a previous relationship so I know some people probably think I've been blessed already and should shut up) then I'd be disappointed but would take a "that's life" attitude. What I don't want though is to have my family size effectively decided for me.

When I was younger, I actually split up with someone after a couple of years when it became increasingly obvious we weren't thinking of the future the same way. I was in my early 30s then and had an eye on "the clock" then and realised if I wanted another child I had to free myself up to give myself the maximum opportunity of achieving that. But if you're already with someone and already have a child with them you don't think along the same lines ...... to leave DP in the hope that at my age I might meet someone else and have another child would be horrendous for all concerned and I doubt very much would happen. God no. I want another child with him, because he is my partner, because he's my daughter's father etc. .... all the normal reasons.

But I also know that without his agreement nothing's going to happen. It's very tough.

NotActuallyAMum · 23/01/2006 09:07

OMG I've never even considered that when he says he doesn't want any more kids and would never have his vasectomy reversed he's actually saying "not with you"

Going to ask him tonight

bobbybobbobbingalong · 23/01/2006 17:47

No, if he's already had kids, he's probably just had enough children.

I think "not with you" is for childless men.

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