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Original poster

Let's discuss the old 'She wants kids, he doesn't' chestnut

64 replies

Pruni · 20/01/2006 15:34

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wannaBe1974 · 20/01/2006 17:30

I think sometimes it's hard for those of us who have kids, or even those of us who want them to understand that there are some people out there who just aren't maternal or paternal, and for whom the idea of having children is just unbearable. I think though that couples should discuss the possibility of children very early into a relationship and that if one partner says that he/she does not want children, then the other needs to make their decision accordingly, and if that partner decides to stay in the relationship, then they shouldn't try to change the mind of the unwilling partner down the track. If both agree that they will not have children, then it's not really for one one who agreed to respect the wishes of the other to change their mind and think it unreasonable when the other doesn't want to back down.

I had a friend who was very adament he didn't want children. He felt so strongly about it that when he was 21 he had a vacectomy. He told all partners about it before any relationship reached any level of seriousness. He didn't have a problem with children per say, in fact he even had a relationship with a girl who had two kids from a previous relationship, but he felt that he had had such a miserable childhood, and that his parents had no maternal feelings towards him, that he didn't potentially want to bring children of his own into the world that he might feel the same way about, he didn't feel it was fair, and, fair play to the guy, he made the statement by having the snip.

I don't think we should really judge people just because they don't want the same things we do, I think it's different if there was no honesty in the first place, but if both parties were honest from the outset then the decision should be left at that.

bourneville · 20/01/2006 17:39

  1. My friend has been with her dp for 8 years and the only thing she's ever wanted in life is children, he from the beginning was saying "never". But about a year ago he has changed his mind although he is saying "only one!" I have a feeling it's because the relationship was breaking up otherwise, but they are taking steps to try and get pregnant now. I'm probably wrong about him though because he's not the sort of guy to give in to something he doesn't actually want.

  2. I have previously had a huge, huge medical phobia and kids just was not on the agenda for me, because of the phobia but also because of freedom, etc etc. My first relationship was with a much older man who already had kids & who didn't want any more so it was never an issue. Having split from him, I got pregnant accidentally and got together with my boyf (he's not the dad) and can now say having dd was the best thing I have ever done. It has also meant that my current relationship doesn't have those issues, cos if I hadn't had dd i would still have been saying no to kids and my boyf wants them one day. Thank god for silly irresponsible drunken nights!!
    I do occasionally feel panicky about the idea of having to go through pregnancy, childbirth, and the 1st year again [shudder] and how I would explain to boyf if I did decide I really didn't want to, but I think the part of me that would like to have boyf's child beats that feeling (after all, I've done it once i can do it again...). Good thing is, if boyf ever decides he actually doesn't want children, I wouldn't be hugely bothered about it because I already have dd!

Cristina7 · 20/01/2006 17:43

A couple we knew well went through this, at similar ages to your friends, Pruni. They split, then he started going out with a younger woman who accidentally got pregnant with him. His other girlfriend respected and loved him too much to go for the accidental route. Such a shame, they'd been together for 5 years or so and they were really suited (we thought, as outsiders).

Heathcliffscathy · 20/01/2006 18:04

probably material for another thread, but what about when you have one and you want another but dh doesn't

bobbybobbobbingalong · 20/01/2006 18:12

Dh's ex girlfriend apparently didn't want kids, 2 years after leaving him (for other reasons) and only 6 months after they had sold their shared house we heard she was pregnant. So that was "don't want kids with you" with undertones of "you don't have the earning potential".

I married dh knowing he said he didn't want any - but that was fine, I was 24 and didn't want them either. As my mind changed, so did his - but I wouldn't have left him if it didn't, because we had agreed when we married.

I keep telling my Bro's GF that if she moves in with him DB will NEVER marry her, and that if she wants children she should leave him and find someone else, because he will NEVER get around to bothering to think about it. I think she is mad for looking for houses with him, when her idea of what she wants (marriage, couple of lovely children) and his (getting his washing done and peace and quiet) are so different now. She is 31, but it's amazing how quick 31 turns into 35.

Original poster
Pruni · 20/01/2006 18:19

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Caligula · 20/01/2006 18:39

I'm going to advise my DD that once she gets to 30, if she's with a man then and she wants children, she'd better make sure he wants them. None of this "hang around another couple of years" and then a couple of years later "another couple of years till I can make my mind up" and so on, until you're menopausal and it's too late for you, then he leaves you and has kids with someone fifteen years younger.

Surfermum · 20/01/2006 18:47

I was in this situation with my x, it was completely agonising. He didn't like children and didn't want any. We got together when we were 26 and at that age I didn't want children either. However, once I got into my 30's, friends started having babies, and it hit me that actually I did want a family at some stage. My x was still adamant that he didn't. It wasn't the cost, the not having time to yourself or any excuse, he just didn't want them full stop. I respected that and it never occurred to me to try to change his mind, and come to think of it, he never tried to persuade me either. We just used to stand in the kitchen looking at each other, both hurting as we were very happy together . I wouldn't have gone for a "accidental" pregnancy either, that just wouldn't have been right and I figured that if I did have a child and he left us, how would I ever explain to the child that its Daddy never wanted it.

We were together 12 years and in the end I left him at the age of 38. I really don't know what changed in me that made me leave, but something did and I was less happy with my x than I had been. Funnily enough, I wasn't on an all out quest to find a man and get myself pregnant - I was actually going to surf the world and then if I hadn't met anyone by the time I was 40 retrain to be a psychologist. However, dh came along, we married and now have my gorgeous dd. I know now that I was meant to be a mum and if I had stayed with him I would have ended up resenting him.

There isn't a compromise in this situation, it's awful and I really feel for your friend.

Cristina7 · 20/01/2006 19:44

Surfermum - yours was a happy ending. So many things fell into place just at the right time.

Piffle · 20/01/2006 19:49

I am discussng this with my xp at the moment
His gf is very keen on kids in the next yr or so, they have been together for 4 yrs and he has just bought a house and is settled with regular work (he is musician)
He has massive reservations... I feel for her, as he adores his ds.
I am not sure what will happen.
DP and I have had huge problems over no 3
Ds (12) is not his child, dd (3) is his but has a rare genetic syndrome, I would love another child due to the age gap between ds and dd
We have ummed and ahhed, currently we are trying again now but it has been on off on off and it is very unsettling
He said
Will you hate me if I say no more
I said
It's risk you'll have to take
Toughie, if it were me I'd leave, there is no guarantee that you would find the right man after leaving, but it would sacve you living a life you'd fel you had compromised.

Aloha · 20/01/2006 19:56

Surfermum, I'm so pleased you got your happy ending.

Aloha · 20/01/2006 19:58

Caligula - we are of like mind!

Sophable - would you like another now?

bourneville · 20/01/2006 20:04

I'm worried that my boyf will want kids when I feel I'm too old to. He has made noises to that effect - has commented several times that lots of people have kids older these days (older being well over 35). (A year or so ago we had both agreed no later than 35). Btw in case you've lost who i am, i'm the one with a dd and a boyf who wants a kid one day, I'm happy either way...
So, I'm worried about nearing age 35 and then even though I wouldn't be desperate to have another kid, my boyf would still be wanting to wait longer... I have said at his asides that "that's not for me!" in no uncertain terms. It might end up one day me saying "sorry mate you're too late..."

bourneville · 20/01/2006 20:06

PS during one of these conversations I siad "if you want kids, there is a time limit, you know" and he said "Not for me there isn't" !!! So i added "if you want kids with me there is a time limit!" Have they no idea sometimes what they're saying???

Heathcliffscathy · 20/01/2006 20:15

aloha, yes.

i'll start a thread about it at some point when i can bear to have it all dissected on here.

Aloha · 20/01/2006 20:20

Ah, your ds sounds adorable. You'd enjoy two, I think. Do you know I cried before we went for dd? Made a big difference.

Heathcliffscathy · 20/01/2006 20:29

i have cried. raged. reasoned.

he is entitled.

he is v supportive and does loads with ds so the arguement of 'it's me that does everything should be my decision' doesn't follow.

he really wants to want to for my sake and ds's but he really doesn't and isn't sh*t enough to lie about it.

i totally get where he is coming from but can't help but feel absolutely crap about it and v angry sometimes.

he's not saying never...but ds is 2 and for all the reasons that he doesn't want to now (going back into the tunnel as it were) i want to get that bit out of the way...

anyway, we'll work it out somehow...i think...trouble is there are only two ways of working it out: either we do or we don't there really isnt any middle ground on this one is there.

motherinferior · 20/01/2006 20:34

Hmmm, I think it's rare that this one changes of its own accord. I do think some men change their minds for themselves, though; my partner split up with a girlfriend in their 20s because she wanted to settle down and have children while he wanted to gad about and sow wild oats (unlikely though this will seem to anyone who has met my other half). By the time I met him, when he was in his mid 30s, he'd changed his mind about what he wanted out of life and relationships, and had decided he did want children. But the difference was that he'd made that journey on his own - irresistable though I am, I doubt I'd have convinced him of the joys of procreation all on my own, so to speak.

I'm with Dino. Bet he's seen pushing a buggy in 18 months, tops

motherinferior · 20/01/2006 20:35

Soph, is he saying 'I don't want another' or 'I'm very happy with one'? Just hoping for a chink in the armour, as that is what DP (again) said.

WigWamBam · 20/01/2006 20:38

I didn't want children, but dh did. I was honest and open with him right from the start and told him that I wouldn't have children just because he wanted them, but he decided that I was more important to him than his desire for children. It can't have been an easy thing for him to do, because I know that he had neverexpected or wanted to be in a childless relationship.

If your friend doesn't feel that way then she's done the right thing; no matter how much she loves him, her need for children is greater and if she stays with him the resentment that she is likely to feel will eventually sour their relationship anyway.

WideWebWitch · 20/01/2006 20:50

I didn't want children at all and accidentally got pg with ds with ex dh (who is here chatting to current dh and about to take ds for the weekend!). Then I met dp, now dh, (Bourneville, this isn't dissimilar to your situation) when ds was 2.5 and ex and I had already split up and dp was ten years younger but knew he wanted a child/children. I could easily have never had any more, I wasn't keen at all actually, but thought it wasn't fair to be with dp and ask him to stay with me if I was asking him to forfeit his right to a biological child of his own. So we had one and now we have dd and I'm thrilled with her and wouldn't change it for anything, she's my poppety apple of my eye, along with ds. But this man should let her go and have them with someone else, definitely. Surfermum, I'm glad your story ended well too.

Original poster
Pruni · 20/01/2006 20:57

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WideWebWitch · 20/01/2006 20:59

Sophable, it is so, so, so much easier second time around, honestly, it just isn't such a shock, you know what you're in for. I have enjoyed dd's babyhood much more than I enjoyed ds's.

motherinferior · 20/01/2006 21:08

You do go back to chaos, IME, and that was a shock for me; but it's utterly lovely too. Now, remind me why I don't want yet another, again...

Original poster
Pruni · 20/01/2006 21:09

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