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Original poster

jealousy

59 replies

leeray · 28/01/2012 17:14

If your husband wanted you to delete facebook, and had severe jealousy about chats with a certain person, would you delete it to save the marriage, even though there was no 'affair' happening?

OP posts:
IfMySonWereMyDaughter · 28/01/2012 17:16

Depends on the nature of the chats, I might agree to stop chatting but I wouldn't close my FB account.

suburbophobe · 28/01/2012 17:17

He sounds controlling.

floralsanddresses · 28/01/2012 17:17

Yes but that's because I've been paranoid and jealous in a relationship before and if he wouldn't have done it I would have felt worse and more insecure that a website was more important than my feelings. Irrational, yes in your case but not to the person feeling those feelings.

I'd oppose if he wanted me to cut contact with every man/friend/acquaintance but it depends on how much you care about that person opposed with how much you care about your significant other.

This may be all he needs to feel reassured. If it goes deeper I'd look in to coubselling and serious chats.

floralsanddresses · 28/01/2012 17:18

I agree with the not chatting to that person specifically. Blocking and deleting etc but not impacting on other innocent friendships you like to have.

pictish · 28/01/2012 17:19

I wouldn't close down my fb account to pander to someone else's irrationality, no.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2012 17:31

it depends on who you are chatting to, and what you are chatting about

if your conscience is clear that this person is no threat to your relationship, the he is BU, of course he is

kodachrome · 28/01/2012 17:47

Is there a reason this particular person excites jealousy in your dh? Is he otherwise a good husband and do you have freedom generally to go out, see people, normally feel trusted and secure?

lazarusb · 28/01/2012 17:54

Agree with AF and Koda. I once cut contact with an ex fwb because he tried to cause problems between dh and I. I felt that dh came first and I valued our relationship over the stirring done by this person.

MilitaryWag · 28/01/2012 18:04

Er no...not a chance! What comes after he bans FB? Grow a set and tell him to get a grip and stop behaving like a 15 year old! If your chats are innocent then HE has an issue. Jealousy is a dangerous affliction.... dont pander to it. Sounds to me like there is not much trust there... maybe question that!

windsorTides · 28/01/2012 18:29

It would entirely depend on who I was chatting to and what was being said. If you'd be happy for him to see everything that has been said in your chats and there was nothing that, if the situation were reversed, would make you or a reasonable person worry, then I'd try to find out why there is jealousy and insecurity. Sometimes though, a partner can see motives that you might be burying your head in the sand about - and wilfully ignoring the signs that would be obvious to everyone else.

Original poster
leeray · 28/01/2012 18:41

It was an ex colleague from years ago. We had things in common to talk about.
His marriage was in trouble, so my hus. got scared. I met up with him for coffee.
My hus. got more scared, even though I tell him we are just friends.

OP posts:
windsorTides · 28/01/2012 18:54

Assuming your husband is not a controlling, jealous partner in other aspects of your life, then he's right to be concerned about this man. Talking to another woman about difficulties in a marriage is what a lot of men do if they are angling for an affair. It's also quite disrespectful to his wife sharing all this with someone who is no more than an 'ex colleague'.

Legobuildingpro · 28/01/2012 18:55

We're you honest about the communication and meets and upfront? Was the colleague reading more into it, that you couldn't see?

Legobuildingpro · 28/01/2012 18:56

Were*

JimbosJetSet · 28/01/2012 19:03

If it was the other way round, how would you feel?
I would not be happy if DH was meeting up with another woman who had relationship problems, but maybe that's just be.

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/01/2012 19:15

Hmmm... Not sure. I think I would probably stop chatting to the person concerned to "keep the peace" but I would want my DH to also address his feelings of insecurity and jealousy. I absolutely would not delete my FB account nor block the person concerned.

Why does he feel so threatened?

Original poster
leeray · 28/01/2012 19:18

I've realised he has always known everything about my day etc. and only recently when he doesn't know exactly what we've been discussing, has there been problems. This feels controlling for me, although I realise that he's insecure, he should really trust my word.

OP posts:
Original poster
leeray · 28/01/2012 19:20

his first wife left for affair, that's the fear

OP posts:
singingprincess · 28/01/2012 19:56

I deleted my FB account because h had such a problem with it. He also had a problem with me seeing or talking to anyone, and isolated me almost totally.

That was because he was controlling, abusive and ultimately violent.

I have since reactivated my FB and would be VERY wary of anyone having a problem with me interacting with the world ever again, and I would expect them to join in, happily and willingly, and have fun with it. Together!

Why did his first wife leave then? Really? People don't have affairs for no reason.

Legobuildingpro · 28/01/2012 20:04

Erm yes the do sp. what rubbish. People do have affairs, sometimes just because they can.

Were you honest with what you were doing op? Was he? I would find it strange if a male ex, distant colleague started to want to meet and chat about his marriage woes Hmm

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 20:09

I would not close my Facebook account, but if my entirely non-possessive DH felt threatened by a relationship such as the one you describe, I would cool it.

Is he a good guy, or is he generally jealous and controlling?

If the former, why aren't you taking his concerns seriously?

Original poster
leeray · 28/01/2012 20:10

some people would have a fling because they can, or some an affair because they can. I have had neither in 15 years. Shouldn't he trust my track record?
It's terrible to be interrogated and treated as if I were having an affair

OP posts:
Legobuildingpro · 28/01/2012 20:12

We're you upfront about what went on or not? That's the issue. As a woman. If an ex colleague of mine started contacting me again after years for chats and meets, my alarm bells would be ringing so high, I'd cool it.

I'd be very uncomfortable if my husband were in this position and especially if it was all being kept rather hush.

Dangerous territory love. Maybe he can see the warning signs, they start to appear very early, before any affair.

Original poster
leeray · 28/01/2012 20:15

he's a good guy, but controlling in this instance, due to previous damage.
Maybe he did see warning signs

OP posts:
Pandygirl · 28/01/2012 20:19

Sorry but this is how a lot of affairs start so I think he's perfectly reasonable to be concerned. DP and I tend to leave FB logged on on phones or laptops so accidently check each others all the time.
If you ever find yourself writing or saying something you wouldn't be happy with DP seeing or hearing then it's time to step back and consider what direction this is taking.