jealousy

[leeray]

If your husband wanted you to delete facebook, and had severe jealousy about chats with a certain person, would you delete it to save the marriage, even though there was no 'affair' happening?

That doesn't make sense. sorry.

I in no way intended to blame the person whose partner chooses to be unfaithful. Nor indeed BLAME anyone. What a bizarre way to read it. Merely that there are always reasons.

My mother had endless affairs, because she was a very damaged person, psychologically. My father could have been lord god almighty..it was her failing/ problem whatever, entirely, that she needed to validate herself in such a way. She was sexually abused as a child, and it left a gaping hole where her sexual identity should have been. The affairs were probably her "acting out".

In the case of my friends, he was living a life that had ceased to involve his wife in any way, she had become invisible to him. I am not remotely surprised she looked elsewhere. Maybe that was the wake up they BOTH needed to see that actually, they DO indeed love each other very much. Which they clearly do.

Not blaming, but identifying reasons. Not excuses, reasons why.

Agree throughout with Lego.

Yes SP, many people have affairs just because they can, even nice people in good relationships. Because the problem was about them and their own issues, specifically their inability to say no to what looked like a low-risk opportunity. Some people also constantly have a need to have someone other than their partner telling them that they are sexually attractive and desirable.

As for unmet needs, that probably applies to some affairs, but certainly not all. It's impossible for a marriage partner to meet one particular need that is so very common in many affairs.

The need to have sex and an adventure with someone new.

OP, you mention that you had troubles of your own? If they were connected to your marriage and you had started 'mirroring' your friend's own unhappy tales, then that was a slippery slope. Affairs so often start like this and your husband knows this, presumably from bitter experience.

...and for the record...I am the ONLY person who knows what I remember.

The last sentence was my iPad screwing up. That's the biggest cause of affairs. You only have to read here to see that.

If anyone, OH or anyone, wanted me to delete my facebook, I would tell them to do one. No one has the right to tell anyone else how they relate to the people around them. No one, That is controlling and potentially abusive.

If there is an issue of trust between two people, that is a completely separate issue. I am sorry that the OP's first wife had an affair, but that should not be impacting on any subsequent relationship. Yes we all have baggage, but should not really be starting new relationships while that baggage is left undealt with, and as such, that is his problem.

To try to stop the OP having friendships is unreasonable. She has stated that she is NOT having an affair with this man. I assume she is telling the truth...after all why lie on an anonymous forum?

I have many, many male friends. I do not have affairs. I have seen the damage they do.

Op's husband's wife...Oh my! Sorry.

The last sentence was my iPad screwing up. That's the biggest cause of affairs. You only have to read here to see that.

Sorry, that made me laugh! I might put my iPad down though just in case.

Hope you're ok, op. Don't delete your FB account, but do have honest conversations with your dh about how you both feel.

SP do you think you might be projecting a bit here, because of your own past relationship?

The OP has said that her H is only controlling about this issue, so he is not 'trying to stop the OP having friendships'. He is just saying that this friendship has a few warning signs and by the sounds of it, he's right.

It's also a bit naive to expect people not to have fears and a bit of baggage if they've been cheated on before. That doesn't mean they should be forever alone. Hopefully the OP understands his past hurts and if she loves him, would not want to resurrect that or do anything to promote insecurity.

I think the OP's husband is conscious that the OP is also a bit naive about how affairs start and can see dangers that she cannot - or won't - see.

I expect the 'delete facebook' request was knee-jerk and said out of fear. A compromise might be to stop this particular friendship/change its terms but to keep her account.

I don't doubt for a moment that my experience has taught me that isolating someone out of jealousy is a VERY dangerous path to follow. Yes, no doubt. Is that the same as projection, or just learning from experience. I don't think so.

Has the OP said that he is or is not controlling in other ways? We need more info on that.

WRT baggage...there is a fantastic blog called Baggage reclaim, which I may find and link, if I can remember how.