jealousy

[leeray]

If your husband wanted you to delete facebook, and had severe jealousy about chats with a certain person, would you delete it to save the marriage, even though there was no 'affair' happening?

As its only this instance, I think maybe you should understand he saw something you didn't. I've never been in an affair triangle. But I'd at a years old colleague wanting to meet all of a sudden because is marriage was bad.

I disagree with a lot of the posters here. Really, utterly disagree. If you are completely secure in yourself and an affair is out of the question, then I cannot see why you should be doing anything to make him feel less secure. This is his issue, based on the past. Hell, it might even be your colleague's issue. But if it isn't yours, then why should you change a thing?

less insecure. Oh dear.

Well it's understandable that he's a bit insecure and worried that lightning might strike twice. And singing princess honestly thats just victim-blaming nonsense you're peddling there. If his first wife had an affair, that's not his fault - she had other choices.

I don't really understand why you want to hear about the marriage problems of someone who's only an ex-colleague OP. Are you a bit of a rescuer who likes to feel needed?

maybe windsortides its not easy to say don't tell me your troubles to someone in distress, that's what we're all doing here

Oh come on OP, surely you're not that naive?

I've had lots of men tell me how unhappy they are, but fortunately I've had the nouse to know why they are telling these woes to me in particular. It's actually really easy to suggest that they talk to their wives, a close friend or a counsellor.

I'd defriend the man ,show your dh that you have done it but before you do explain to the chap why you are doing it.No need to close your fb account-maybe suggest dh opens his own and be mutual 'fb friends'.

pranma sounding wise here Windsortides, I trusted him, he needed to confide, I don't see the worst in people and yes, maybe I needed to be needed

this is my first time on mumsnet, what does dh mean?

"needing to be needed" is a common prerequisite for someone edging closer and closer to an inappropriate relationship

if your partner is ok in all other respects, and doesn't try to control you in other ways, I think you should listen to him

not everyone who has been cheated on turns into a paranoid fuckwit...quite often it can tune your spidey senses however

deleting your FB account is too much (although I can't stick it myself), but I do think you should cool off your intimate chats with the bloke who is using you as an emotional crutch

since you self-identify as "needing to be needed"

dh=darling husband

ah I said, needed to be needed. Not any more! I was going through troubles myself.

Oh needing to be needed he spotted the warnings ok.

ok its becoming clearer

I'd go with Pranma. I can see both sides, but having been in the situation where I genuinely thought DH was 'comforting' a lesbian friend of ours (also ex work colleague) after her girlfriend had left her, only to be the last to find out that the reason said girlfriend had left was because she'd caught lesbian friend and my DH 'at it' in the first place, I can see why your DH might be feeling a little threatened.

I know it's not quite the same as you are not the one who hurt your husband, that was his ex, and you have not been unfaithful. But I know that if I was ever in another relationship, I would not be comfortable with my new partner doing what you are doing, simply because I know where it can lead. It might be paranoid or unreasonable, but it's just the way it is when someone's hurt you that badly.

I think expecting you to stop using FB altogether is unreasonable though.

thanks for sharing your personal crisis with me stablebutdeluded

Just defending my comments up thread.

Do people really have affairs, just because they can? Really?

In my considerable experience, people have affairs for lots of reasons, but there is usually a "reason". They don't do it for a laugh.

My mother was a serial adulterer, and it may have seemed that she did it for a laugh, but look a little deeper, there were real reasons why she felt the need to keep seeking validation of herself and her sexuality from more and more people. It didn't make it right, but there were very real reasons.

In this instance, Leeray, is it ONLY you that this man is talking to about his marital problems, or is he putting it all out there in a ore general way? In the way that some folk do on FB, and indeed in life?

Sp. Your post was very suggestive in the matter it was written, that the wife had an affair, because ther was a reason, him probably being it.

Why did his first wife leave then? Really? People don't have affairs for no reason.

Yes some people in happy marriages literally do have affairs, because they can. More often than not, the reason is the person having the affair and their personality. Sense of entitlement, selfish, egotistical, playing the hero, rescuer, needy, took an opportunity because they could.

Your post in this thread almost could have got you a commission for the next mn affairs advice article.

I really don't deserve that. I seem to remember your name from other threads. Hmm.

I happen to know a man, who I speak to regularly on FB. I have know him, and his wife for over thirty years. His wife had an affair last year, and I can see exactly why she did. And now he is very hurt, and posts about it a lot on FB. There is no way in the world that my talking to him about all this means that I am on the verge of having an affair with him!

He also had an emotional affair with someone he works with.

He talks to LOTS and lots of people, and is quite open about his personal stuff...some people are.

As it turns out, they are going to stay together, and I expect one of them will dabble again at some point. They both come from highly dysfunctional families, and they love each other very much, and there's nowt so queer as folk.

I don't know of anyone, happily married, who had an affair, simply because they could, but maybe that's perhaps more to do with the company I choose to keep.

And just to labour the point, they both come from highly unstable backgrounds...real Stately Homes stuff...so yeah...there is a reason...always.

I don't think you do remember my name from other posts. As another poster said, you comment was victim blaming. So maybe look at what you wrote, because it does give that impression.

OP- why not forget all the chatting on FB and meeting for coffee crap and invite him round to yours when your DH is around. then if there truly is nothing to worry about your DH will see and he may be helpful in offering advice to this man having gone through similar problems with his first wife.

Problems like this develop in a relationship where one partner feels stuff is going on behind their back (believe me I have been there but I was the one feeling left out of it). Openess is the only way forward.

As a disclaimer, I will add that if he routinely controls who you are friends with/can talk to then that is another kettel of fish and to save your relationship (if you want to) I would recommend counselling where he can get to the bottom of his feelings and need to control.

Ooops meant kettle of fish.......

Singingprincess- I don't think people who have been victims of affairs on here appreciate the 'always a reason' thing as it implies that they were at fault or it was something lacking in their marriage. That may not been what you were trying to say but as Lego says that is how it came across in your first post. I agree that there are usually 'reasons' but many times these reasons are wholly attributed to the adulterer and the other partner is not at fault at all. Its very hard to try and explain the reasons for someone elses infidelity, particularly if you are not directly concerned with it (friends or family etc). However, everyone still tries to do it when they hear it has happened to someone close to them and it really is NOT helpful.

as I see it, 'unmet needs' is a big reason why someone would have an affair.
Of course there will be exceptions.

See that's where it gets sticky.....see some people "need" to be needed. Sound familiar? Need to be the rescuer, need to be the hero.

People who have this fundemental personality trait. Tend to slip into affairs, because a normal healthy relationship ticks on ok without that drama.

Not to mention people prone to slipping into an affair.....will subconsciously set their partner up to fail, fail meeting their needs, so it gives them permission to cheat.

That is the most alarmingly biggest cause of you read any thread on here. Not every cause, but mostly?