Hi FinallyFacing,
Have just seen this.
"I feel like I want someone to tell me that her behavious hasn't been normal, this is not how all mothers act, I am not being sensitive or unreasonable not to want to be spoken to in these ways.."
I will reiterate to you that her behaviours are not normal and this is not how all mothers act. You are not being at all insensitive or unreasonable here not to want to be spoken to like that. You would not put up with it from a friend, your mother is truly no different in this regard.
Detach and ignore your mother; she makes every occasion all about her. No contact of any sort. These boundaries you have; build them now even higher. Your future DH and you will have to continue to put on a united front. You are dealing with a narcissist mother of perhaps the engulfing kind (having no boundaries at all, is more than happy to go through your stuff, read mail, watch you on the toilet etc). You did NOT make her that way; her own birth family did that and I read without surprise that her own sister is a very damaged individual as well.
As Mampam rightly states, you cannot have a relationship with a narcissist; it does not ever work out at all well. Also such people will not and do not bring anything at all positive into the lives of any children you may go onto have so bear that in mind as well. Concentrate on your own family unit and surround yourselves with people who are decent, kind role models.
It is okay not to seek her approval any more, not that she would ever give this anyway.
Do look at the website called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers; it could prove very helpful to you. There is also reference on there to enabling fathers (again do read this); your own Dad fits into that category very well. He was and remains her wingman; such weak men often act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life so you could never rely on him either to protect you.
Another book you may want to read is one called "Children of the Self Absorbed". Cannot recall author offhand but its on Amazon. That could also be helpful to you
I hope your wedding day goes well for you both.
Mampam, I thought it was your mother who turned up outside your DDs school. It is my dream to get both ILs and BIL clinically assessed. That report would certainly make for interesting reading. The drama triangle is certainly played out in their dysfunctional unit. I think he (DH) disappeared into the sanctuary of his bedroom a lot during his teens and knuckled down to pass him exams with a view to getting a job and leaving home. He left home as soon as a mortgage became available to him (a few years before we met).
I did ask him once if his Dad had ever hugged him as a child (DH hugs our now teenage son and has done from an early age, I certainly hug DS) and he just looked at me sadly without saying a word. Says an awful lot doesn't it?. My parents are pretty much disinterested and hands off now but at least the two of them both hugged us as young children and made us feel wanted and loved.
I think he took a hard look at the three of them when younger and decided to forge his own path through life for himself and behave differently to them. He has far more regard for his mother than his dad (whom he believes also to be a narcissist). So he has made progress.
All of you have my profound respect.
Have a great weekend.