DS1 is ruining our relationship.

[yummicheddars]

I feel like I've been pushed to my limits, my DS1 is 2 and a half, he is testing us, tantrums, doesn't listen to a word we say, I am 27 weeks pregnant and we're meant to be getting married in july but we're being pushed apart. Just don't know what to do anymore, DS is making us argue constantly, he does everything he wants and if he doesn't he screams kicks and punches. Me and DP are both VERY down. I feel as though I'm making a terrible mum. DS is actually driving us both mad, we are young parents, 21 anyway, he works full time, I'm full time mum and full time paramedic student, so stress is high anyway. I cry everyday, as I write this infact. How do relationships cope through such 'spoilt' kids tantrums and moodiness?

He's only two, you need to tell him you're in charge, he can't do what he wants
Do you use the naughty step, reward charts etc?
Go out as much as possible
Get dh to take him to the park while you relax and then tomorrow you let dh stay home while you do something fun
Swimming, soft play, cinema, go for a pizza etc

Let him scream kick and punch, shut him somewhere to calm down and get a grip.

Do you have any support? Practical advice about how to set boundaries with your 2 yr old? Someone to babysit while you have time together?
It sounds horrendous, but 2 is often the most challenging age and it WILL get better.
Was your relationship good before your child hit this really awful phase? If so, remind each other that it's not you two with an insurmountable problem, it's two of you with a fundamentally good relationship who are being tested hard by a difficult challenge. That will help you see that it's about working together to manage your son, rather than finding it all so difficult that you end up arguing with eachother over it.

Maybe seek advice from your GP about possible sources of support? You need things to start improving before the new baby arrives or that will be another pressure point

We have tried to show who's in charge. No we don't use naughty step or reward charts. How do we use them then? Something needs to change before DS2 comes in april. I don't get much breaks, other then when I'm at college thursdays and fridays. But not much of a break, dp doesn't take ds anywhere on his own,going to attempt swimming this week I think, as dp is on nights so have to be quiet and go out.ds last time hated swimming so we shall see. Doesn't help with money being very tight due to baby and wedding.

Right:

You are not young parents, you are adults.
He is 2.5 and needs your help to be a decent human being.
Being a parent is very hard, well being a good one.
Children, like dogs, need exercise and things to do.
Until four children do not have control of their emotions and therefore can lash out when they don't get their own way.
You have to be clever to avoid tantrums.
Don't ask your child what they want, tell them:

Now we're going to the park so put on your coat.... child NOOOO....park? then coat or no park.
Use strategies that work for you. Choices like would you like cheese on toast or beans on toast? Not what would you like for lunch.
Anything you don't want your child to touch put away.

Don't have a lavish wedding if you can't afford it. Seriously. If you want the legal security of marriage, do it simply and as cheaply as possible. People get themselves into all sorts of ridiculous debt and stress over feeling they need to put on a show.

Wedding can be cheaper.
Don't shout.
Mean what you say.
Tell your DP to grow up and take his son out.
Reward chart, needs a sheet of paper and either a PC or a ruler and pencil
this might help

Go to your library and get some parenting books.

I think you should watch supernanny or something.

Seriously blaming a 2 year old. You are the parents! Take some control and responsibility.

Are you and DP on same wavelength re discipline and rewards? Sounds
Like you don't have a plan or a strategy at all.

You sound resentful of a 2 year old. If you broke up would you seriously blame him? I'm pretty shocked at the Attitude!

First of all, you must stop blaming your 2yo for this. Try to see it as a problem that is to do with your circumstances rather than him- as indeed it probably is.

If you were not stressed by fulltime studies at the same time as looking after him and coping with a new pregnancy and planning to get married, it would probably be a lot easier to view his antics with an indulgent smile. But right at the moment you have a lot on your plate. It's not surprising you're stressed. But it's not his fault, he is just going through a normal developmental stage, it's nothing to do with your having failed to bring him up, that doesn't show itself at 2 years old.

The best thing you can do atm is to try to minimise the stress, by having a Plan.

A. Think about which tantrums you can avoid by e.g.:

giving him good warning before he has to stop an activity and think of ways to make it easier for him (e.g. wave byebye to the swings in the park)

keep tempting things he can't have out of reach if convenient

distract him as much as you can

if you are out and about, don't ignore him until he misbehaves and has to be disciplined: keep talking to him and distracting him so he doesn't have the time to get into mischief

B. Learn to recognise the triggers:

does he tantrum at a certain time of day?

during a certain activity?

when he is hungry or tired?

when you are tired and stressed and he is picking up on your feelings?

Can you do anything about those triggers? Maybe something as simple as stopping for a few minutes to have a snack together?

C. accept that some tantrums are inevitable and have a Plan for how you are going to cope when they happen. Let him work through his tantrum and tell yourself that that's ok. Have a mantra that you repeat to yourself, recite the times tables perhaps, stare into space, sing to yourself. I used to sing very loudly while dcs tantrummed: if you sing you can't shout at them at the same time and I felt I lost face when I shouted.

D. Distinguish between Giving In To A Tantrum (which is obviously bad) and Avoiding A Tantrum In The First Place (which does no harm as long as he doesn't twig that you are trying to avoid it).

It must be really hard for you.

Ask your Health Visitor whether they have Home Start in your area. If so, a volunteer could come to be with you once and week and help you deal with your son. If not, tell her you are struggling and ask for advice. She won't take him away, so don't worry about that.

Don't take him swimming. I would avoid all confined places if his behaviour is bad. You will just feel awful and as though people are judging you. The park is the best place.

Do you have a routine with him? I think children like routine - they feel safer. So does everything happen in the same order each day? Is his bedtime routine always the same - tea, bath, story, bed? Is his bedtime always the same, every night?

Start new routines. Library every Saturday morning, then the park, then home for lunch. A dvd in the afternoon, then a walk to the shops. That sort of thing.

Your boyfriend has to play a more active role in his son's life. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't step up. No way. It's in difficult times when you see what your partner is made of - don't ignore that message, whatever you do.

Rather than paying out for swimming, invest in this and follow it to the letter. Many of the reviews are very good with women finding it's made a huge difference.

Best of luck with him. The main thing to remember is that if he's behaving like that, he's not happy and wants someone to take charge and make him feel happier. He is open to change, he just doesn't know it!

What concequences are already in place? maybe we can help to improve these? You dont use naughty step or reward charts, but you said there are boundries so what do you do? Distraction? Positive reinforcement?

WWWhere does he go when your at college and what is his behaviour like there?

You and your do need to remember that although you are parents you are partners. You really need to be a strong unit, spend time together and back each other up.

2yo tantrums are part of normal child development.

Loads of amazing advice on here already. Read it all carefully and start implementing it.

you are adults, you cannot blame a 2yr old! It is up to you and your DP to take control of your life and your relationship, stop blaming a 2 yr old.

Children are hard work, but you need to be consistent, supportive and give lots of rewards, unconditional love and support.

You need to not let a tantruming toddler control how you feel. Detach yourself. Your child will tantrum, but that doesn't have to affect your mood. Start to view his behaviour as normal, and start to exert more control. Toddlers tantrum for a reason. You can still be in charge.

2 year olds can be foul and push any sane person to the brink.

Be consistent.

Be tough. He can tantrum all he likes but you're the parent, the adult, you are in charge. Ignore other people if you're out and about and if home and he's kicking off then walk away. Toddlers run out of steam fairly quickly when they lose their audience.

Run him ragged and keep him busy. Bored toddlers are a tantrum waiting to happen.

Don't give him more than 2 choices and don't ask open ended questions - they don't have the cognitive ability to process it. Do you want trainers or wellies? Ham or cheese sandwich? Play trains or build a den?

They are very good at picking up on your anxieties and tensions and their behaviour reflects that. Chill out, have fun, relax. Don't go swimming if you know he hates it - go to the library, or the park, or puddlejumping, or looking for gruffalos, or cut up a catalogue and stick the pictures on paper, or play hairdressers, or give him the plastic things from the kitchen and play cafes.

Don't expect much of a break with a two year old, they can't amuse themselves very well. But do expect your DP to pull his finger out of his arse and do his bit, even if he works nights.

Oh and the book Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green is very good - I wouldn't follow it slavishly (he advocates smacking which I don't do) but most of it is very helpful.

Actually, I am really angry on your behalf that your boyfriend is feeling so down about it but spends no time one-to-one with him. He needs to get a grip of himself.

Also, small children need attention. Preferably they like good attention, but if they are not getting enough of it they will seek attention anyhow. Tantrums get your attention. Even if it is negative attention.

How do you deal with his tantrums, his screams, kicks and punches? What do you do when he does listen to you, when he is being nice, when he's sweet and helpful? Do you positively re-enforce that?

Why isnt your partner doing more? This sounds a recipe for disaster when new baby comes really. Is there anything else going on in your relationship, for example is he happy about you being pregnant again?

Watch programmes like super nanny and Tiny tearaways. Usually repeated during daytime tv. They will show you how to take control of a tantrum and how to manage yourself.
If you not coping maybe you taking on too much. A toddler, being pregnant, a course and a wedding is a lot. All big stresses.
Can the wedding wait, can you defer you course for a while??
I did a course while I was pregnant and it was too much for me. I failed it in end and to be honest should have deferred it or stopped until a better time. You have to know yourself and your capabilities.
However that said you are doing the right thing by getting advice on here so I hope you get a few comments that will help.

This is so, so sad. Words like "spoilt" and "moodiness" being used to describe a 2 year old is just awful.

You are both adults, parents, and need to be working as a team. Your little boy is just a baby, he doesn't deserve to be blamed for his behaviour, or your relationship problems.

He sounds very unhappy, so you need to look at his needs first.

TBH the wedding should go right to the bottom of the list of priorities IMO, and should be the simplest, most economical affair you can arrange.

I second the idea of looking at surestart, talk to your HV asap.

Agree that you both need to read some parenting books. In addition to Christpher Green, I would recommend a little paperback called "Coping with Small Children" by Jo Douglas and Naomie Richman. This book saved my sanity when my sons were small.

Agree that small boys are like puppies. They need plenty of food, sleep, excercise and fresh air. Routine is vital. Small children need to know what is coming next in order to feel secure. They need to feel safe in the knowledge that the adults they rely on are in control and will keep them safe.

I hope you get some help and support.

Your DP needs to take an equal share of the responsibility and time to look after your DS. He will need to be extremely capable and up to speed when the new baby comes.

ok, so you have no boundaries and no discipline, so you have a blank sheet of canvas and can start from the beginning.

Boundaries - he has to learn what is acceptable and what isn't. This isn't something that comes naturally - you are his parent and it is up to you to teach him.

so - hitting/punching is wrong. Screaming will achieve nothing. Can I ask what his speech is like? I have read that there is a strong corollation between speech and tantrums - not that children who speak don't have them, but that they are often more prevalent in children while their speech is still developing because they lack the skills to communicate otherwise. Tantrums are a sign of frustration - he needs to learn to channel that frustration for everyone's benefit.

so step 1 - he needs to channel his energy. go to the park/the woods/soft play. Take him swimming, buy him a football and get your dp to take him to the park/play out in the garden. Get some arts and crafts stuff, to do inside, paints/sticking/cutting, draw the line at glitter though.

Step 2 - you are both his parents and it is both your job to have involvement in his life. so that means as much your dp doing these things with him as you. I assume that dp looks after him when you're studying? well what does he do with him then?

1. behavior. Children react to enforcement. If screaming and punching gets him attention, even negative attention, he will do it for that reason, even if it's a subconscious thing on his part. So - ignore the bad behavior, reward the good behavior. And by ignore I don't mean just let him carry on, but there are consequences that mean he gets no reward for behaving in the way he does. so - make a reward chart. Do it with stars/coloured dots/insert incentive of choice> (I used a jar of marbles for mine). Once you get x number of marbles/x number of stars on the chart have a reward that links to that. A comic/sweet/small toy - you choose. Stars/marbles can be gained for good behavior. So helping mummy/being good in the shop is good behavior. not kicking off for a set period of time can be considered good behavior, etc.

And then the tantrums. I am not a fan of the naughty step since A the child can still see you, and B, it's too easy for the child to misbehave/run off. I prefer to use time out in a separate room with a door, which is safe and has few distractions. so if he starts kicking/punching then you tell him firmly "no, we do not do that, stop it now please." If he persists then take him to the other room, put him in there and say "We do not kick/punch people, you are going to go in here now," then shut the door and leave him there for two minutes. (It's a minute for every year of his age - no longer). When the two minutes are up, open the door and explain to him why he went in there, then have a cuddle and move on. And repeat repeat repeat..

And lastly, involve him. Communicate with him. If he has to go to the shops then get him to help you find what it is you're looking for, even if it takes ages to get things done, in truth it probably takes ages anyway if he tantrums his way around the shop. Get him to help you make the dinner, i.e. "shall we make a pizza/sandwich do you want to help me put the toppings on?" Obviously you limit his involvement to the prep and not the actual hot cooking iyswim..

And remember, you are the parent and he is the child. He doesn't know his boundaries because he's never been given them. It is up to you to teach him.

And this post has taken me ages to write so someone had probably already beaten me to it.

Consistency is the key and making them realise who is in charge.

123 Magic is very useful- helps you to learn to keep your calm- I found it very effective when my two were little.

I think people are being very hard on the dp although blaming your son is a complete no-no.

He is 2, not 12,2
does your DP take him off your hands? if not that needs to be sorted.
not just for the kids sake but yours , your no good a zombie.#
Has it become harder for you to cope after becoming pregnant, which I imagine it would.

If you can't handle the one you have why on earth are you having another? Your son is only 2 he is not wrecking your relationship, you need to get a grip and maybe some parenting classes as you really dont seem to know what your doing.

sure start centre group
Health visitor for some sound advice
local toddler groups

sounds like you need to gain some insight/perspective, some support and some time.

find and remind yourself(ves) of the things you love about your family/each other....

remember this too will pass....i think my 5th (of6) cried for the vast majority of her 3rd year!!1

I remember reading Toddler Taming when my children were small. The author said something along the lines of "If they always misbehave in the supermarket, don't take them - go on your own in the evenings. Don't waste time taking them and then crying because they didn't behave."

This sounds so obvious, doesn't it? But for me, I was so tired and trying and trying to make everything alright, but actually there was an easier solution, which I just couldn't see.

He's at a difficult age anyway. Don't put yourself in stressful situations with him if you can help it.