DS1 is ruining our relationship.

[yummicheddars]

I feel like I've been pushed to my limits, my DS1 is 2 and a half, he is testing us, tantrums, doesn't listen to a word we say, I am 27 weeks pregnant and we're meant to be getting married in july but we're being pushed apart. Just don't know what to do anymore, DS is making us argue constantly, he does everything he wants and if he doesn't he screams kicks and punches. Me and DP are both VERY down. I feel as though I'm making a terrible mum. DS is actually driving us both mad, we are young parents, 21 anyway, he works full time, I'm full time mum and full time paramedic student, so stress is high anyway. I cry everyday, as I write this infact. How do relationships cope through such 'spoilt' kids tantrums and moodiness?

You said you're full-time mum and full-time student - who does the childcare when you're at college? How does your DS behave with them?

I defeinitely avoid taking mine to the supermarket - shop online as much as you can. It's a life saver.

You need to be firm and consistent and not react angrily to a toddler tantrum. You need to stop blaming your DS and start looking for solutions.

I have 5 DC and find they thrive on consistent routine, clear boundaries, good food and plenty of activity outside.

Try to limit tv time and make sure you spend time playing with DC. Mine are always worse when they are bored, tired or have been cooped up inside.

I have a 2.5 year old and find distraction works for minor naughtiness rather than always discipline. I also find choices help avoid the constant "no!" so instead of "put your coat on" to which he will say "NO!" I say "Would you like to wear your raincoat or your furry coat today?" and 9 times out of 10 he will select one.

You're big

He's small,

YOU are in charge

HE is not.

DOme of supernanny's strategies are good but IMHO forcing children to the naughty step/corner as she does is cruel,and ineffective. You have to find out what the child particularly responds to and reward/withdraw that as your aid.

Remember it is the behaviour that is naughty or unnaceptable not the child, don't say YOU are naughty, say THAT makes mummy sad, or it becomes a self-fulfiling prophecy.

Have lots of little things up your sleeve to distract and entertain, make a list of these with your DP and agree when where to use them.

Can't stress enough with the physical thing at this age, lots of fresh air and exercise, you'll all sleep better at night!

IMO the naughty step should be reserved for parents and the pair of you should sit on it for as long as it takes you to understand that your little ds is not 'making' you 'argue constantly', and that the way you interact with him now will shape the child and the man he will eventually become.

You've had a lot of excellent advice on this thread to which I will only add that it is completely unreasonable to expect a 2yr old to be quiet during the day while one of their parents sleeps.

Tell your dp to try out the numerous makes of earplugs that are available for very little cost until he finds a pair that suit him. NB: blackout blinds in the bedroom are essential for night workers.

My 2 1/2 year old DD is similar but luckily we have 4 older children do know it passes. The naughty step or in our case corner is v effective. I can recommend 123 Magic which is easy to find second hand on Amazon. We tried it with the counting & time out it suggests & breaking the cycle with positive time together & at nursery they're finding reward charts are working a treat too.

Hey come on!

The OP said she feels like a crap mum and you lot come on here and tell that she is because she is blaming her child. A woman who is blaming her child wouldnt feel bad about her own parenting would she? I think that she has just not articulated her feelings particularly well. And as for asking why she is having another when she cant cope with one, is downright nasty. She is 6 months pg, I very much doubt her child was like this when she got pg, we all know how much children can change in 6 months. There is areason so many people have a 2 year gap and thats because babies are fabulous at 1 year old so they TTC, but by the time the next baby comes the eldest has hit the terrible twos and its a whole new ball game!

She is saying he is driving them apart, well his behaviour is because they dont know how to cope. OK so she didnt word it very well, and being a first time parent is hard because you dont know what kids are actually supposed to do!

I agree that the OP needs to set firm boundaries and the 2 options instead of infinite options is a good start. Asking a child what they want for lunch immediately creates a crisis because their brains simply cant process that much choice. But "marmite or ham sandwiches" is easy. And if he kicks off, repeat that it choice a or choice b and refuse to discuss or argue about it.

Not engaging with tantrums at all is also good, there is no point in throwing a huge dramatic tantrum if no one takes a blind bit of notice and you dont get your own way.

Like a poster above, I also recommend Toddler Taming. I think it is a badly named book tbh as it implies that you are training a badly behaved animal! It is actually full of good coping strategies and if anything it trains the parents on how to understand and communicate more effectively with the child.

Thankyou all that's said kind advice and not criticised, thankyou. bogeyface . So while I am earning myself a good career to support my family and do the best I can for other people, hence paramedic, my son is at day nursery, where he has never mis-behaved. Complete angel and when we go out, angel. Its at home. When there's no one else about. And as for the remark about I shouldn't be having another, pretty harsh, there comes a time where every one needs a bit of advice and support because of a hard patch. My son doesn't hit people, he shares with other kids and is very well mannered. All that I need help with is to stop the tantrums. He has a bedtime routine, daytime not so much. I have just done the naughty step, worked well, after he screamed, kicked and pulled all rug up. He has now said sorry and is calm.

They're not called the 'terrible twos' for nothing and having a tantrum is part and parcel of the frustration of being a 2yr old.

Please don't rush to 'punish' him by putting him on the naughty step if he's smply having a tantrum as opposed to exhibiting other socially unaccetable behaviour because he needs to 'vent' in this way on occasion.

Also bear in mind that when his sibling arrives, he will need lots of praise and cuddles rather than 'punishment' if he is to easily overcome his entirely natural and understandable resentment of the new arrival.

you can't stop the tantrums per se, you can minimise the impact they have upon you, especially if you change your reaction to them

so ignore what you can, praise and attention for what you consider to be good behaviour (sometimes you have to look REALLY hard, arf), be a swan, paddling around gracefully

and yes, boys ARE like dogs, mine needed daily runs up to and beyond starting school age

Several of us have suggested ways of reducing the number of tantrums by recognising the triggers and distracting him.

But you may have to accept that for many children tantrums is just a developmental stage he has to work through.

Ime asking how you can stop 2yo tantrums is a bit like asking how you can stop a newborn baby from crying: it's just what they do at that age. They do grow out of it though.

If he is struggling to behave perfectly at nursery he may feel the need to express his feelings in the one place where he feels safe: just like you and your dp argue with each other in a way that you probably wouldn't argue with your lecturers or your boss, however frustrating you found them.

Once he is growing out of the tantrum stage, he will be looking for more grown-up models for expressing anger and frustration, so it matters enormously how you and your dp express your frustration with each other: you are his teachers and he will learn from you. It is possible to teach older children a lot about self-discipline if you yourself model it consistently. But it doesn't necessarily get results quickly or at such a young age.

izzyisin makes a good point: once the new baby is here, he will need extra patience and extra time- and lots of cuddles.

We got into a similar state with ds2 and found sitting down (dh and I ) one evening and going through our rules, expectation s and any big no nos really hepled, we also discussed the steps we would take if things dont go as planned ( we use the naughty step, but whatever works) Just by backing eachother up completely and ds2 not being able to find any difference in how dh or I treated him, things started to improve. He is 4 now and still a tinker, but dh and I know we support eachother completely and this seems to help

It is all just normal two year old behaviour-believe me have seen lots of it :) He needs lots of love,lots of mummy and daddy time-read to him,build brick towers to knock over,play hiding under a blanket.If he is naughty tell him you cant play till he has settled down then walk away for 2 minutes[time it] go back-give him a cuddle and ask if he wants to play/read etc.When it is fine take him outside to play.Be consistent in your expectations and as generous as you can with your love and your time.He is good at nursery because he is engaged.You and your dp sound tired and stressed but this is NOT the fault of a two year old.

Sounds like normal 2 year old behaviour. The fact that he is good in nursery and out and about is a good sign as it means he is capable of being well behaved!!!! A lot of this stage is about how you respond to him when tantrums etc. happen. Try to spend quality time with him and give lots of positive attention when he is good. He sounds just like my boys were at this age.

Apart from DS what are the other problems in your relationship?

I second the advice to talk to your Health Visitor and get some professional parenting skills input. You sound so stressed and overwhelmed - have a hug. I hope you are finding some time to look after yourself, too. I am sure it is easy to blame your son for all the stress but, as others have said, remember he is a tiny child who relies on you to love him and look after him and he's only doing what two-year-olds do. I hope your HV can sort something out for you.

My dcs both had very difficult stages when they were 2. I know people are saying dont blame the child but when your tired and pregnant you do end up beginning to feel a little resentful towards the child. I can totally sympathise with where you are coming from.
Dont listen to the harsh comments either....the op is asking for advice, by all means give her constructive critocism but dont suggest she shouldnt be having another child.

I used to just try and keep my 2 busy. If they are entertained they are less likely to kick off. Maybe it would be good to make a day time routine too even if it is only for your sanity.

I got some really good books from our local library which were good as it made me realise my dc's behaviour was normal and it wasnt becuase I was a bad mum. Sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate atm. Maybe sit down with your dp and try to get him a little more involved, but also be nice to yourself. The more stressed you get the harder it is to keep a clear head.

Good luck. Hope some of the tips on here help you both. :)

Thesunshinesbrightly said it best.
Doh.

Op, small children are hard work, this behaviour will continue for some years, it is best to get it under control now.
I always say that a strong relationship is tested when young children come into it, it is very easy to be happy when things are rosie, your relationship will have many trying moments along the way, please dont give up on each other because of the stress you are having now.
I have heard that there are really good parenting courses available, I have a 7 and s 4 yr old and I am going to enroll because this is the most important job we will ever have.

You're going through a very tough time right now, but I agree with all pp's that said you cannot blame this on your DS. You are the adults, jt is your job to help him behave reasonably. I have 3 boys, 9, 4 and newborn.

Here are my thoughts.

Most crucial, you and your bf need to get on the same page and work as a team.

You need a consistent routine including regular exercise and snack/meal times. Also make sure your DS is getting enough sleep. Ensuring these things are working can fix a lot of behavioral issues.

DS needs a lot of love and discipline. In equal measure. Make sure you are showing him how much you love him every day. boost his confidence.

My DS2 went through and out us grouch absolute hell before ds3 was born. Absolutely terrible. Hitting us as well as being uncooperative. We decided we would deal very strongly with hitting but cut him some slack in other areas. We gave him a break and we weren't constantly battling him. He came around and is lovely again at the moment.

Kids need structure, love, discipline etc. they need to feel safe within loving boundaries.

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy and upcoming wedding.

This is a really good book: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0340734647

Raising happy children, by authors including Dorothy Rowe

I would like to add in our house that the naughty corner is reserved for violence (hitting & scratching us all) & throwing things at people in temper. A tantrum isn't "naughty" it's just an overload of emotions & frustration a 2 year old cannot cope with. A lot of the good advice in 123 Magic which I recommended is about parents being positive & spending quality time with their child. The counting is a warning for time out & works a treat! My 2 year old started throwing her shoes at me when I was driving & I pulled over & said "one" very calmly & she stopped! I find tantrums are best ignored! If he's well behaved out of the house I would heave a sigh of relief & break the negative cycle at home if you can. It's hard so well done for recognising you're stuck. & asking for advice! HV is a good start.

Oh Yummi, I feel for you as I have a wilful child who misbehaves at home, but is an angel at nursery or generally out.

We find sticker charts with a reward for X number of stickers (whether that be a bag of sweets or a new book/toy) can help. I have also found one-to-one as a treat is a great incentive as DH and I both work and have other kids so 1:1 is limited.

I agree with lots of the advice in this thread - count downs, limited choices, wearing them out. Be consistent, firm but fair and always explain why you are doing something.

I'd like to say it passes - two years down the line and we still have daily problems but I feel I am generally a calmer parent and I did go on to have more children, even though I questioned my sanity.

And for all those who say don't blame the child, sometimes it is really really difficult when you have an (albeit only occasionally) devilish child. There can be no reasoning with my child sometimes, black is white, no is yes. But I try to keep the darkest thoughts I have to myself as I don't want them to feel any worse when they are struggling with their own emotions.

I'm remembering back to tantrums with ds2 and if I took myself down to his level and looked at what was happening I saw a scared little boy who didn't know what to do with some really strong emotions. It helped us both - I felt empathy instead of anger.

It takes having time, slow things down. You can't rush it.

1. 2 is the age of exploring and of learning the self. He HAS to, he has an imperative from his Creator, to test boundaries and find out where he ends and the world begins.

Bottom line? Don't take it personally. Take it as the VITAL development process it is.

Right! Hopefully (when you get this) that will take the emotions out of it.

1. Watch/google the Terrible Twos/Supernanny. Watch how Jo Frost takes command simply with eye contact and firm voice, to establish who is in charge. She will say to raging chav little hellions 'Hitting Mummy is NOT ACCEPTIBLE. That is NAUGHTY. Because you HIT MUMMY you have to sit on the NAUGHTY STEP for TWO MINUTES' and they pipe right down! It really works, too.

1. Get a good parenting book from the library. Toddler Taming by Christopher Green, and Penelope Leach (I can't remember the title, my youngest is 13)!

Listen, I had to learn how to parent from books, because I absolutely did not want to repeat my own childhood. It is not an admission of failure, parenting is a learned skill it is NOT innate.

Have faith, get your partner on board so you support eachother, and don't be intimidated by this raging ball of ego in front of you. At the end of the day, he is a lovely little boy, and he needs you!

Good luck, here's a big hug from an older mother because you sound like you need one. Remember: fake it (clear firm boundaries) till you make it. You will gain confidence in your capabilities as a mother.