Need strength to talk about divorce finances, but I can't...

[LadyEatsCrispsALot]

You may remember previous threads about my separation from DH. He offered a lump sum so I can buy house with kids. I calculated he would be left with family home and a flat he rents out, I would essentially be given a deposit and still have a mortgage.
I have seen a solicitor today who states what H is offering is only 33% of assets and I should be entitled to at least 50%.
I tried to talk to him before about having more equity out of the rental flat, but he got really angry. Stated he wasn't going to give me anymore. I was a gold digger and had no morals or pride.
Now I definitely know I am entitled to more but I really can't face having that discussion with him. It just would be easier to take what he offers. But I also know this is my only shot to get what is 'fair'.
I just feel miserable about it.

Go for the full 50% and Leave the finance talk to your solicitor... That's what you're paying them for.

You don't have to talk to him about any of that. Your solicitor will do it all for you. Don't make your life more difficult

I really wanted it to be amicable though. Aaaagggh! Thanks for replies x

Getting angry is the bully's way of ensuring you don't argue so he gets his way. It's not just what you're entitled to, you'll be looking after the children whose existence is 50% down to him, so you need at least half.

As NatashaBee says, you could really do with a good solicitor fighting your corner. Soon-to-be-ex can't bully a solicitor by shouting in his or her face in front of the kids! A good sol will point out that a court is quite likely to award you more than half, because of the children and their effect on your future earning potential, and that the more he fights over it, the more of his precious money will be wasted in legal costs. So it is actually in ex's interest to pay 50% gracefully. Oh, and if his job comes with a pension, you are entitled to a share of that as well.

Why on earth are you talking to your stbx about the division of assets when you are paying a solicitor a considerable sum to have this dialogue with him/his legal advisers?

Please do what your solicitor advises. Do not be bullied, and get what you are entitled to. If you cant do it for yourself think of it as doing it for your children. You all deserve it. Be strong.

Get angry - get very angry, he's not just trying to screw you over, he's trying to give his DCs a lower standard of living that they are entitled too. He's not being amicable, he's trying to rip you off with a smile. That's not nice.

Talk to your solicitor, ask them to talk to his, I'd be pushing for at least 50%.

He doesn't have a solicitor yet. I haven't instructed mine. Today was just a fact finding mission really with my sol.
DH and I were gong for legal separation but you can only do that if you agree finances. Otherwise i will have to petition for divorce now and fight it out.
With what he is offering now I could get out the house pretty quickly in to my own, which is tempting.....
It's just depressing he feels that I don't deserve anymore.

Why are you considering legal separation? If he doesnt consent to divorce after 2 years you'll have to wait for another 3 years before you can divorce without his consent.

Does the solicitor you consulted today specialise in divorce and family law? If not, find one who's a rottweiler up to speed and let them handle it all for you - including preparing and filing your petition for divorce.

If you accept the cheapskate's offer in the interests of a quick move, you're going to kick yourself in a few months or years' time because 33% won't buy anywhere near as much as 50% of whatever sum the assets are worth.

I know you make sense izzyisin. I just a bit overwhelmed with the decision making. Was going for separation initially as amicable between us. A joint decision.
I fear it will be horrible going straight for divorce. But realise I may have to. Sol was a family law specialist. I worried about sol costs as cant claim legal aid.
Think I will have to try and discuss what sol said with him again.

Did the idea of 'going for' legal separation come from him?

Both of us on the understanding we had agreed the financial terms . That was until my friends realised I was not getting a fair deal when I explained them. I have very good friends. I was reluctant to see sol as I thought it was fair. It seems not.

No, it's not at all fair - or reasonable.

Forget discussing it with him - if you felt comfortable with/confident in the solicitor you saw today, get back to him/her and instruct them to institute divorce proceedings.

Are you and the dc still living with him in the marital home?

Yes we are which is why it's tempting to just get out. I want to move on.
Also a complication is the second flat he has he is selling to give me the lump sum is on the market and looking close to selling. He thinks that will be it. Give the equity and off I go. How can I say that not enough now. Well I have said that but he rejected that notion completely. We haven t discussed it since so I figure he thinks I am settling for what he is offering.

You've reported back to him after seeing a solicitor and have suggested that 33% is not a fair division. As he's chosen not to hear what you were saying rethink, let him get on with thinking what he wants while you focus your energy on instructing a solicitor to file for divorce next week.

Is there any way you can rent temporary accomodation perhaps with the help of housing benefit for you and the dc, or stay with friends/relatives, pending settlement?

If you find yourself stuck living with the tightfisted git while the divorce process (which doesn't take very long) is ongoing, simply repeat the mantra 'it's out of my hands, you'll have to contact my solicitor about that' if he gives you any verbal grief about reducing him to penury.

Frankly, penury's good for men like him.

My second Freudian slip today! I meant to say 'too good for men like him' but either works for me - and I'm relying on you to make it work for him.

I wanted minimal disruption for the kids really. I can stay in house and ignore him! But that's good advice thank you izzyisin. I have to toughen up clearly. So should I repeat I have seen a solicitor and restate what I am entitled to, or just leave it? Feels bit harsh to petition straight away, but I think I know what he will say. :(

Don't talk to him. That's what you pay a lawyer for.

On this occasion once is enough. I certainly wouldn't bother to repeat it and I would set about getting a fair share of the assets in the interests of the dc as well myself.

In that respect, I certainly wouldn't allow myself to be dissauded or persuaded by him to ignore legal advice that, ultimately, I would be paying for one way or another even if this meant that I wasn't able to move on/out as early as I'd hoped.

Forget legal separation - divorce is the way to go because he sounds a self-entitled knob.

How old are your children?

50% is a starting point. Why can't you stay in the matrimonial home - best interests for the dc and sell when they are 18 and split 50/50 then etc?

Sounds like he's trying to pull a fast one, why does he think he's entitled to more than you?

Ok I really appreciate your advice in this. It's crappy I know. But I have to do what is fair .

I hope you're not implying that the advice you've been given is crappy

You have to do what is fair for you and for the dc.

If he doesn't happen to think that he's being fairly treated, that's his problem to take up with his solicitor.

He stated the following: just because you married someone richer than you , doesn't mean you get to live in a posh house.
You should work more hours and get a bigger mortgage if you want more.
I had the two flats before I met you, so you are not entitled to any of them.
You are crap at budgeting and I always have to lend you money.
When we met I had to pay for your meals and drinks out.
Your house was half done and I paid for it to be done up so you could sell it.

Nice huh. He earns 3x as much as me as I work part time since having the 2 DCs. I sold my house when we met so we had a large deposit to buy this family home. I can't afford to keep the family home on with my salary. He can.
I don't really want the family home, just what is a fair division.

I should add one flat he was living in and kept it as a rental when we moved in together.