Particularly keen to get perspective from mothers with sons....

[Punkatheart]

Over a year ago, my OH was really buckling under huge amounts of work stress. He was strained, detached and even withdrawn from our daughter. I spoke to his mother frequently, telling her that I was very worried. He even had some very odd health scares and was acting oddly. Despite being told that he was suffering from a possible DVT, he had blood thinners from a midnight locum and wanted to go to work the next day, not to hospital (as recommended) I asked his mother for help and she did not help, or even speak to him about anything.

Fast forward to July and on the day his work contract ended, he told me he was leaving, to live with his mother. Then he did not contact me but I knew from mutual friends and our bank balance, that he was not working and was instead getting pissed. I know some men behave like this but mine has never behaved in this way. Again I asked for help and for him to go to a counsellor. We were receiving cut off notices for gas and electric etc.

He has now settled in terms of work and is still with his mother. Finally she has got him to see a counsellor but I now feel it may all be too late.

My question? (GET TO THE BLOODY POINT, PUNKATHEART) is that how can I stop feeling so resentful of her? She is a lovely woman and we have never had any issues before, not a single cross word. But she is not being particularly kind to me, blaming me for the fact that my 14 year old does not want to see her father.

I don't want to insult anyone with sons or assume anything - but is it normal to back your son 100%, regardless of the situation? I was trying to imagine my daughter in this situation and I know that I would have talked to her about it and tried to help if asked.

Please could I have some of your wisdom?

How is she backing her son other than having him stay there? I'm sorry to say that I don't know what you are talking about in terms of him being your 'OH'. He has left you; does this not mean that your relationship is over?

I think it is natural to feel resentful in that you feel that this woman has become the 'other woman', but, really, unless she is actively poisoning him against you, all she is doing is giving her son a place to live.
I haven't got a son, but I do dislike my mil, but, fair's fair, what's she done to split you up? She may be wrong about the daughter thing, though.

No, I do not back my son's (all now adults) regardless, but neither do I wish to get involved in their "relationships".

I get very uncomfortable when their partners discuss "problems" with me , mainly because I will fret and mull it over, my instinct is to want "everything to be fine".

I try never to take sides or give an opinion my attitude is they are adults they must lead their own lives.

Neither (but this is just me) would I have any of my son's living back with me once they had left to have a permanent live in relationship with someone. Your H is old enough to stand on his own two feet.

Has your MIL invited your DD to hers and your DD refused? Your DD perhaps is able to explain the way she feels to her grandmother as she is 14.

If your MIL has always been a "nice" person to you, cut her a bit of slack, it can't be much at her house at the moment!

Much "fun" at her houseat the moment!

Maybe the woman just didn't want to get involved in your relationship problems (and maybe with good reason- too often, getting involved can backfire badly) but doesn't want to see her son on the streets.
If he is not a 'mamma's boy', then she probably wants him out of her house asap.

He is still my OH - we are separated but he is considering whether he can come back. He has had a work-related burnout - hence the counselling. His emotions are all over the place. There are been no definitive end to the relationship, as yet.

No I do not think of her as the other woman at all. Perhaps 'back' was the wrong choice of words - I am resentful because she did not help when I asked for help; she refused to see the problems that her son was experiencing. In fact, she refused to see that there was anything wrong with him. I don't think that she is poisoning him - she doesn't have an ounce of poison in her. She should have asked him to go to counselling - so that we can sort this out asap. I have cancer and I cannot cope with not knowing the future. It is bad enough to be ill. The problem has been that she (at the beginning at least) thought that it was my fault - that I had done something and made him unhappy. He had to assure her a lot that it was a problem within himself.

So it's complicated. I really feel for her but I am resentful. That is honesty. She rings my house and leaves messages for my daughter but does not recognise me, or refer to me. It's hurtful.

To be fair you put her in a very tough position. He is her son first and foremost so her loyalty is always going to fall to him when the chips are down. She was probably very worried when you told her about the problems, but IME the reaction of some parents to things like that is to shut down and not get involved rather than to wade in and try to make things better. I'm not sure what you wanted her to do anyway, your OH is a grown man and should look after himself. You are his next of kin and so if the responsibility of making him seek help falls to anyone, it's you. She has provided him with a place to stay now that he's fallen off the rails a bit and I think that's good of her.

You should be focusing your attention on your OH, not her. She has no responsibility towards you.

It's reasonable for her not to get involved and it's also reasonable for her to give him a temporary place to stay. Seriously, I think you are perhaps being unreasonably jealous of this woman (?)

Very sorry to hear about your cancer by the way, I hope you have other support besides your OH?

Punk my dh split with his ex while they had a baby together. My brother split from his wife and they had children together. Both my dh and my db cheated on their respective partners (I know!)

In the first instance MIL stuck by ex in the sense that she had a go at dh, fell out with him about his dd, fell out with him about his new wife (not me) etc. Now, 18 years later they have massive fallings out over insignificant things on a regular basis, though these have eased off recently.

In the second instance, my mother, while not condoning db's behaviour "stuck by him" in the sense that he moved into her home, she never fell out with him, supported him to anyone who would listen and pretty much denied any wrongdoing on his part. My db has never fallen out with my mother and, given dh is quite a knob, they are as close as they could be.

Long winded post (sorry!) but my point is: MIL stuck up for what she thought was right. My mother stuck up for her child no matter what. MIL has missed out on our wedding and on a big chunk of our children's lives. My mother is massively involved with her grandchildren and son. Maybe your MIL does not like his behaviour but does not want to lose her son? I don't think you should focus on the why of what she's done but rather on the fact that your ex, as a grown man, has made his own decisions and, as much as you can see his faults, she probably can't see past the fact that he is and always will be her son.

punk imho it has nothing to do with being a mother-son relationship. It is about their parent-child relationship.

I have 2 sons and I would tell them if they needed to go and see a counsellor, or if they needed to take care of their health more if I thought that was necessary.
However, my MIL thought it was better to tell me rather than her son about some of his behaviour that wasn't on. Apparently, it would go down better if it was me .
And I know my own parents refuse to have anything to do with my own decisions, how I lead my life because they don't want to interfere too much.

In this case, I think your 'H' needs to take responsability for his own health. If he isn't, no one will be able to 'make him do it' not even his own mum. She might have tried and not sucedeed, you never know.
She will also see his pain and will still want to protect him. Always easier to put the blame on someone for things that don't go well rather than seeing the reasons why your dd doesn't want to speak to her dad. These reasons are too unsettling I suppose.
Plus add the worry of seeing your son (or child for that matter) being unwell, going through a separation, not seeing his dd, having him back home etc...

I think the issue here is that you really need to take a step back re your relationship. You seem to still feel very responsible for your H wellbeing, going round to speak to his mum, pushing for a counsellor. Unfortunatly, he is the only one who can do these things and he needs to want to do it for himself.

Side issue: Regarding 'next-of-kin', from a legal perspective, if unmarried, then the default NOK is not the cohabiting partner unless specifically that that partner is named as being next-of-kin. Opening poster says 'OH' not 'dh'.

Sorry lots of xposts!!

Very wise - old woman - that really gives me an inner perspective. But initially, this was not a problem with us as a couple, but her son's health. Surely that is different? Or was it another attempt to pretend everything is OK? My DD is fine with her grandmother but won't go to the house if he is there. However, she does not actively chase the relationship with her GM - I have pushed her to call etc. She always tells my DD that her daddy loves her - I don't have a problem with that as I do the same. But my DD is not interested.

No he didn't tell her of his plans. It was a shock to her. Trust me - she is one of these women whose face cannot lie.

I do care about her and love her. I have known her for 20 years. My own mother thinks that his mother should not have taken him but I disagree. If it was my child....I would be sad and want to protect them. But my DD and I talk in depth about everything, but his mother and my OH really don't seem to have that sort of relationship. It is close but they don't talk.

Thank you all for your opinions. I just like to understand psyche so I can deal with things the best way possible.

clic - that is unnecessarily harsh. There is no jealousy involved. Jealous of what? I am merely trying to understand her point of view - so that I do the right thing.

Do you think that it could have been too much for her to see that her son has some big emotional issues?

I can totally understand why you wanted some support from her. I also get why you want to have an idea of what the future holds.

But unfortunatly, you can't make people do things they don't want to do. Sometimes, poeple aren't strong enough to face the problems, sometimes they can't see them because they have a total lack of awareness. Sometimes, it remind of bad times they have gone through. We all have a different history and a different ability to face serious problems.

Reading this thread and your other one, OP, I think that you may be looking for answers where there are none. How old is his Mum? Some mums don't want to interfere. I don't think it's a mother/son situation, but a parent/child situation. In all honesty, she may not have realised at the time that your OH's problems were health rather than a couple problem. It may very well have appeared to her at the time that maybe it was a couple problem causing ill-health.

What has your MIL actually said to you regarding your DD's reluctance to see her Dad? Why is your DD so reluctant to see her Dad? Kids see things in black and white, without the various shades of grey. You were ill when he left, weren't you?

My MIL is very upset about DD's refusal to see her father. I have told her that I am working on it, talking to my daughter about her father not being himself, that he deserves some compassion. Yes MIL did know that they were health-related. Having an emergency locum rush to the house in the middle of the night to tend a suspected DVT is nothing to do with a relationship. I asked her to back me in telling him absolutely NOT to go to work - but she did not. I was not asking for support for myself - I have never ever asked her for support for me alone.

Actually, thanks to home chemo and my body adjusting, I am currently well and I was getting much stronger when he left. It was his oddness and detachment that made my DD recoil from him - she regarded him as a 'stranger.'

He has never had any health issues before. The stress he was under was enormous at work - I was trying to help him.

I am stepping back from the relationship with him now. I cannot stop caring but it is in the hands of my counsellor. I am not seeking support per se from her but simply to feel that she respects me as the mother of his child. I have after all done nothing wrong...

I don't see it as being harsh, Punkatheart, I genuinely genuinely wish you no harm but you are asking for opinions and I am giving them to you.

The way I see it is that this woman has done nothing wrong; she has wisely stayed out of your relationship problems and given your oh a roof over his head. NONE of this is unreasonable for a mother to do.
He's not a mother's boy-you haven't said that he is so I take it that he is not- so the probability is that him being there is not something she particularly enjoys, so she wants him out of her house asap.

I am not criticising you if you are unreasonably jealous. We are all prone to unreasonability. It's not a criticism. But it's perhaps a reason for your irrationality.

Again - a little harsh and untrue. I don't think I am irrational at all. I have stated the facts in a logical way. I am trying to understand the resentment, to be reassured that this is normal. I have not flown off the handle or bad-mouthed her - that is the definition of irrational. I am calm, not irrational at all, considering all I have to cope with at the moment.

Oh punk you can't help the way you feel to start with, but you're a sensible lady and I know you'll put those feelings away with time.

I cried out for help to my MIL, not asking for support on the relationship front but because I was worried about DH and thought he was potentially at risk (still do). I believe she did her best, he is an adult after all.

But if you cannot identify the resentment through thinking about the facts of the matter-which you have presumably done- then surely the resentment is down to things which are illogical? Because I struggle to see what this woman has done that is wrong other than stay out of your problems and give her son a roof over his head when he is in dire straits. Her behaviour is perfectly reasonable.

Punk you need to separate the issue of the kind of support your MIL gives to your H (eg giving him a roof over his head) and your need for your H to be better so that you can solve your relationship issue and the the relationship between your dd and her dad.

All 3 separate issues that require 3 separate answers.
Would it help to break it down like this?

I wasn't being harsh either. I'm not criticising you either. I'm saying that your MIL may well have seen his health problems (discounting the incident of the suspected DVT) as couple relationship related. She hasn't done anything wrong. You say that your OH and I quote - "He was strained, detached and even withdrawn from our daughter." Your DD is obviously very hurt about this and is hitting back in her own way. Your MIL is upset that your OH is upset. What is your MIL saying to you?