Particularly keen to get perspective from mothers with sons....

[Punkatheart]

Over a year ago, my OH was really buckling under huge amounts of work stress. He was strained, detached and even withdrawn from our daughter. I spoke to his mother frequently, telling her that I was very worried. He even had some very odd health scares and was acting oddly. Despite being told that he was suffering from a possible DVT, he had blood thinners from a midnight locum and wanted to go to work the next day, not to hospital (as recommended) I asked his mother for help and she did not help, or even speak to him about anything.

Fast forward to July and on the day his work contract ended, he told me he was leaving, to live with his mother. Then he did not contact me but I knew from mutual friends and our bank balance, that he was not working and was instead getting pissed. I know some men behave like this but mine has never behaved in this way. Again I asked for help and for him to go to a counsellor. We were receiving cut off notices for gas and electric etc.

He has now settled in terms of work and is still with his mother. Finally she has got him to see a counsellor but I now feel it may all be too late.

My question? (GET TO THE BLOODY POINT, PUNKATHEART) is that how can I stop feeling so resentful of her? She is a lovely woman and we have never had any issues before, not a single cross word. But she is not being particularly kind to me, blaming me for the fact that my 14 year old does not want to see her father.

I don't want to insult anyone with sons or assume anything - but is it normal to back your son 100%, regardless of the situation? I was trying to imagine my daughter in this situation and I know that I would have talked to her about it and tried to help if asked.

Please could I have some of your wisdom?

I can see that. It must be so difficult. The fact that she is probably reeling too is going to make a challenging situation all round worse.

I hope it improves for all of you.

I think you wanted her to interfere with regards to your sons health. She chose not to, rather understandably I feel. And you begrudge her for not involving herself in the situation?

I'm sure she likely felt that she was stuck in the middle, and knew what ever actions she took would have been wrong in at least one persons eyes. All she has done, and continues to do, is offer practical support to her adult son.

I hope it improves for you, too. From what you say, she is lovely so if you can find some way of making peace then do so. A good MIL is worth a lot.

I haven't got a son, Teeb. Her son, yes? She is the mother with a son and I asked her to help with that when there were health problems - understandable is it not? If it was a DVT and he had driven, the consequences would have been catastrophic. Also, it is not necessarily interfering if I ASKED for help. I have enough issues with my own health - worrying about him was just very stressful.

When/if my daughter marries - if her husband came to me with health worries on her behalf, I would 'interfere' because my daughter is precious to me.

But she chose not to and, as others have pointed out to you, that is a reasonable stance, so there really is nothing you can do about it.
All this fuss over your (perfectly reasonable-sounding mil. And, believe me, I know what an unreasonable one is) is really not where your head should be at, I mean: how about putting some of the blame onto your OH?
I don't think -judging from what you have said here. You even say she is 'lovely' yourself- that she is bad at all. Quite the reverse. No offence but you really should concentrate on your OH's behaviour, because in all honesty, he is the one that has dropped on you from a height, not her.

You're ill and he is round his mum's ffs. Great guy. Not.

Yes, I know what you mean clic. He knows how badly he has behaved and believe me, I haven't been passive in telling him!

But now - sigh - to keep as busy as I can be - to make sure my DD is OK.

Yes, I will endeavour to let it go. God knows, if a miracle occurs and it all comes good, I will have to reignite my relationship with her as well as him.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I am truly fed up and demoralised but the lovely souls on Mumsnet as usual have helped me both put things in perspective and calm down a little.

I'm just saying that you should have some perspective on this; this woman is not your enemy. By your own admission, she has always been 'lovely' to you. He is your problem, not her. Unless he is really, really mentally ill -rocking in a chair unable to move and genuinely couldn't cope, totally unable to work or do anything, then, OK, I'd be more sympathetic but it's really hard to be sympathetic with a person who CAN do things yet still is not supporting his OH in what must be a terribly anxious time for them. I'm sorry.
I think you are playing a classic game of blame-shifting -no judgments from me on this, but I think that it what you are ultimately doing. All the best.

Thanks clic. Yes there are no chairs to rock in just yet. But I am not removing the possibility that it might be me doing that soon!

Punk You know, you've had to be so brave and just get through stuff which is not easy, by a long shot. Your ire should be directed at your OH and I think that you're taking too much on board by trying to figure this one out. The most important thing at the moment is you getting back to health. Well, you and your DD as a unit too. Your OH has got someone to look after him, you don't. Just you.

For now, just keep things civil with her if you can. Concentrate on you and your DD. I know that you are trying to keep her on an even keel, but your DD will make her own decisions, come what may.

thank you lemony. Some days are better than others. I like being busy but the quieter days are hardest...