Newly separated - how long will this hurt for

[Pantone363]

I'm on my iPad so won't go into huge detail.

Been with DH since we were kids (14 years), 3 DC. I found out at Christmas that he has been having an affair since May. Met and had sex once, phone contact since then and booked a hotel to see her in December but couldn't get away from work.

Obviously I kicked him out. But my god it hurts. It's so hard to explain, but I never wanted out of the relationship, we had had what I thought was a really good year, this is such an unbelievable shock.

Add on to this that to be honest he is not reacting how I thought he would/should. There's none of this begging on his knees, pleading to come home. He is very apologetic but the overriding theme is that "he's not sure how he's feeling, hes never really thought what it is to be 'happy'. And can he really love me if he's treated me like this".

I just can't believe how much I miss him. Which makes me an idiot, because he's treated me like dirt. I think the fact that he's not begging to come back is also making it feel like a double rejection.

Night times are horrible, it's so quiet and I keep going to laugh or discuss something with him and then remembering he's not here. Last night I made him a cup of tea before I realised he wasn't here.

PLlease someone tell me that this aching stops soon. And the crying, I'm so sick of crying.

Also he is very close to the children and comes to see them twice a day, not to mention endless calls/texts to them, so I can't even get some distance.

I know he isn't still seeing her (she lives up north), and he's given me full access to his online phone bill. But how hard is it to buy a £20 payg mobile?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, even if it's just what you do at night times if your single!

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Pantone, I know exactly how you feel if that's of any help. You will see on another thread that my problems escalated in a big way after the separation (affair too) but even though I now hate him I found myself making two cups of tea the other night and then burst into tears when I realised what I had done. He has been gone for a lot longer too :(

Try and organise some counselling. It gives you something over and above anything else. It is well worth paying for if you have to.

I am sure others will be along soon with lots of good advice. It will get better x

Try and get out and see friends as much as possible, it takes your mind off the heartache, talk on the phone in the evening, but try to avoid talking about XP. Read books.

I find that when I had newly split with XP that I would go to bed early so as to 'sleep through' the pain..

I hope it gets easier for you soon

Do you work or are you a SAHM? I found my break up as a SAHM far worse than my break up when I was working due to being distracted at work

Firstly I would tell him you need the distance. It isnt fair that he isnt giving you time to sort your head out. Plently of fathers take their children out at weekend and have proper quality time then.

My OH works evenings so I'm used to being alone all night. I play with our daughter, watch a bit of TV, think about doing some cleaning and spend too much time online. When I split with my ex I went through a time of playing online games for about 20 hours a week. I was childless then though... You'll find something to fill your time.

Hope you start to feel better soon! Some men are so stupid...

Wanted to sympathise with you - have been separated from XH since last April and it does get better but still hurts. I bought myself lovely new duvet cover which helps a bit with being in the big bed on my own.

I find that distance from him helps - is he having any time on his own with the children at all? It must be v horrible for you seeing him so much - from my point of view I want him to spend time with the children but I sometimes hate seeing him.

Not sure I am much help, but you're not alone (well you are but there's lots of us in similar circumstances out here :))

I don't know what its like I'm in a somewhat similar situation but at the moment not strong enough to leave, but I will.
I just want to bump this thread really so I can see what people say too.

You will be ok though, if your strong enough to walk then you are strong enough to get through this i'm sure of it x

I'm afraid that if he's ambivalent about your break-up, it's a certainty he's still seeing her, or even someone else, using a second phone to facilitate that. He also sounds like a romantic twat who thinks that wanting sex with someone else must mean your marriage was crap and his love for you, not real. If you remember the previous year as being good and happy, don't let him take that away from you, or distort your memories.

You do need distance and separation right now. He must stop coming to the house. He needs to see the children elsewhere, because it will be confusing for them and not helping you with your pain.

I don't feel strong. I feel like I've got no choice because he doesn't actually want me. That's clouding what he's done at the moment, all I'm thinking about is why he isn't fighting for us.

I genuinely don't think he's still seeing her, he had told her a bunch of lies about being single and not having kids, I'd be very surprised if she was still interested in him.

Anyway, I'm trying to do positive things, been on the phone all day about benefits and trying to find somewhere to rent which will accept DSS.

Not much I can do about him seeing the children. They are desperate to see him and he's kiping on a mates couch so can't take them there. I have text him to tell him his mum wanted to have them for a bit tomorrow so could he match his visit up with her so I can have some space. He just replied: ok thanks.

Why can't he take the kids out for the day?

How do you know the OW thought he was single? That's often a lie cooked up to protect them both - and in any case, you'd be amazed at how many OW continue relationships despite the lies told to them....

I can't even think about that. Maybe he is still seeing her, there's not much I can Do about it.

I want to stop loving him, I want to feel nothing for him. I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow and feel angry instead of hurt and sad. I even wrote a list detailing every lie he told which I read back to myself when I feel I'm going to text him! At the moment I'm only communicating about finances and the kids.

im going through the same, it feels crap, i cant sleep or eat, guess that's one good thing out of all this. i cant stop myself imaging them having a ball together and now hes been found out hes all apologetic and whatever, and whilst i hate him i still want to be with and the lack of contact is doing my head in. in fact i just text him now - does anyone have any advice on how to cope???

Ok so another crying day, this is getting boring.

Although I don't feel as tempted ever ten minutes to check if he's text me, that's got to be a positive thing. I agree the lack of contact is horrible, I miss talking to him.

It does get a bit better, really it does. Although I know that's not any help now

How old are your children? I do agree with others that he needs to take them somewhere else at least some of the time as its not fair on you. He doesn't live in the same house as you anymore - he needs to organise how he sees the Dc.

You are stronger than I was - found out about the affair in the November and never did throw him out. Wish I had. He left anyway and I just felt I was useless.

Pantone - have a look on Amazon for a book called Rebuilding. It is a brilliant book and it helped me a lot in the beginning. It is in many senses a practical book about coping, surviving and moving on. Its basic premise is that in order to achieve happiness again you have to conquer a number of obstacles on your way to the top of the mountain to freedom. They are all named and there is a chapter on each. eg Anger/Self Esteem etc. There are questions at the end of each chapter and you can see how you are doing. The idea is that you read the book several/many times and keep getting tips on how to progress and a measure of that progress. It helps you to see where you are stuck and how to move on. I know it is early days for you yet but I highly recommend it.

In no particular order these are the things that have helped me most:

Counselling

Exercise including Yoga which I used to hate and now find amazing. I have also made some new friends out of it.

Making new friends.

Creating distance. (I know you are stuck there but you will find a way)

Having new experiences and included in this are things stbx didnt enjoy but you do.

Getting away, if only for the day from your house.

DC are 6, 4 and 1 (1yr old still breastfeeding).

People keep saying I'm strong but I really don't feel it. But also I have no interest in living a half life with someone who doesn't look at me and say 'wow, why would I want to be with anyone else' (big head).

Everyone deserves a basic level of respect no? And what he's done is so fucking low it's not funny.

Spring, I'll have a look for that book, half way through Shirley glass 'not just friends' at the moment, I'm finding it a difficult read!

I have found people telling me I am strong and I too don't feel it. Just keep on going really. But maybe we all are strong? :)

Sorry you are going through this ... it's week 4 for me (since New Years Eve) and I think STBXH has done me a huge favour - I wasn't happy for a long while as he is grumpy and moody... He could have gone about it in a nicer way (i.e not being a lying deceitful bastard!) though but I am going to be happier with out him

You are worth more than someone who values you so little ..!

Pantone, am 8 weeks into the same. ExP shows little remorse, too keen to cover his own arse. You do need some distance. He can take the kids to the park, soft play anywhere that gives you some space. My ExP wanted to spend time with DD in my house, but its too hard for me to see him all the time so he is going to have to do some planning of his own for a change. Just take one day at a time, its a huge adjustment for you and your feelings will be all over the place at the moment. You deserve so much better than this x

Definitely agree he needs to take the kids out rather than come into your home. Also twice a day is crazy!

I separated from stbxh at new year, and was just getting over the uncontrollable crying when stbxh came round to see the kids at home yesterday. It set me off and I'm still going! I cope fine when he picks them up to go out or to sleepover at his, but him being here is too familiar.
We have a contact agreement which gives me 3 days per week when I don't have to see him.
I agree everyone needs respect - he has shown you none, don't let him take the mickey.
Take care xx

What's a contact agreement? Do you draw it up amongst yourselves or with a solicitor?

So he text at 2 as he was nearby and wanted to spend 20 mind with DD. I told him we were out and he could drop some cash off that he needed to give me. Just got home and he's been in and used the toilet whilst I was gone!

How do you know? did he leave the seat up???

Yuck!

As others have said, you need to define boundaries and have a firm contact agreement in place (which you can devise between yourself, no need for a solicitor). You should define the child access time and duration. You need to firmly tell him that he cannot let himself in the house without your permission.

For the evenings, make plans in advance, keep DVD's, books and magazines handy, record your favourite TV programs to watch in the evening or learn a new skill. My DH is away for most part of the week because of work and this is what I do. I also make an effort to see friends etc. when my DH is not there, so that I feel less lonely.

And also distance yourself from your H till you gain some clarity about how you want things to proceed - i.e. seperate or get back together.

I am around 3 months into a similar situation (although mine is denying an OW). I identify with alot of what you are saying - checking texts, emails the whole time and feeling bereft even though I know that I am better off without him. I can't believe he has left so easily and seems to care so little for me. It is very tough.

I second what others have said - I find it much easier not to see him. I am almost normal when I haven't seen him for a few days. he also wanted to look after the dcs in my flat (while I was there) and couldn't understand why I said no - I just find this too dificult, not to mention how confusing it would be for the children.

I just don't understand how my H (and yours) can so easily walk away from a long relationship with children and seem to be so unscathed, but I gues the answer is that they have had more time to used to the idea and have done their adjustments, but it has been rather sprung on us.

hi 4 months down the line for me, luckily no children together but same as others i know hes got another woman (who he was contacting while we were still together), and though i can be strong most days i still find myself bursting into tears for no reason, and cant get out of my head pictures of him with another woman even though she lives in a totally different town, and like others i thought we had a good marriage and he just walked away as though the last 9 nine years meant nothing without even a proper apology, and while i hate what he did i still deep down want back what we had even though thats not going to happen, men who cheat do not comprehend the devestation they leave behind, mine thinks he did nothing wrong!!! and says that marraige vows only meant something on the day they were said