Newly separated - how long will this hurt for

[Pantone363]

I'm on my iPad so won't go into huge detail.

Been with DH since we were kids (14 years), 3 DC. I found out at Christmas that he has been having an affair since May. Met and had sex once, phone contact since then and booked a hotel to see her in December but couldn't get away from work.

Obviously I kicked him out. But my god it hurts. It's so hard to explain, but I never wanted out of the relationship, we had had what I thought was a really good year, this is such an unbelievable shock.

Add on to this that to be honest he is not reacting how I thought he would/should. There's none of this begging on his knees, pleading to come home. He is very apologetic but the overriding theme is that "he's not sure how he's feeling, hes never really thought what it is to be 'happy'. And can he really love me if he's treated me like this".

I just can't believe how much I miss him. Which makes me an idiot, because he's treated me like dirt. I think the fact that he's not begging to come back is also making it feel like a double rejection.

Night times are horrible, it's so quiet and I keep going to laugh or discuss something with him and then remembering he's not here. Last night I made him a cup of tea before I realised he wasn't here.

PLlease someone tell me that this aching stops soon. And the crying, I'm so sick of crying.

Also he is very close to the children and comes to see them twice a day, not to mention endless calls/texts to them, so I can't even get some distance.

I know he isn't still seeing her (she lives up north), and he's given me full access to his online phone bill. But how hard is it to buy a £20 payg mobile?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, even if it's just what you do at night times if your single!

Your OP reminded me so much of where I was 3 and a bit years ago when I found out XH was having an affair while I was pg with DC3. It took me nearly 2 years to finally break free and start divorce proceedings, which in retrospect made the whole situation much worse.

It feels terrible now, but it will get better. Hold on to that thought...there will be a time when you feel better, stronger and happy again.

In the meantime, I suggest the following, based on my experiences and mistakes;

• you give him a list of days to visit and times to ring the DC in between. Perhaps 2 weekday evenings when he can see them at your house and you will go out and a weekend day when he must take them out.

• Try to plan things for these times which will help you to feel better or make your life easier...perhaps go for a swim, visit friends, do the food shopping without 2 toddlers. On the weekend day buy a yummy lunch, watch what you want to on the TV or read the weekend papers.

• Make the most of sympathetic friends, you will quickly learn who will listen without criticism but also be prepared to tell you when it's time to get off your arse and stop moping.

• Sort out your finances and housing asap...at some point it will dawn on him that you are no longer dangling on his string, and if he is anything like my XH, at that point he will mess you around. Prepare for this.

• Plan yourself something to look forward to every day. A bubble bath, a magazine you want to read, a sob in the garden if that's what you need.

Remember you are worth more than you have been offered by Mr Dreamer...you are better off alone than with a man who doesn't realise how damn lucky he was to have you and your family.

Feel proud of each day you manage 3 DC on your own, it is hard and you are coping xx

4 times today, 4 times he's been here, turned up before MIL, was still here after MIL left, came back to read DD a story because he 'promised' and the toilet visit earlier.

I may as well not have bloody kicked him out.

Next time he comes I'm making arrangements for contact times.

Sounds like a plan...4 times

Phoned him in the end to discuss arrangments.

He won't even discuss not seeing them everyday, so his mum is going to act as go between. The kids are going to be bloody knackered and I've suddenly just got a whole lot of time to fill

On the upside I went to the spa tonight and a rather nice man asked me for my number . It was so strange thinking, omg I could ACTUALLY give it to him! (I didn't!)

lol there you are someone liked you i keep telling myself i am better than my ex as i never ever looked at another man while we were together its the only dignity i have left, but yes some days are harder than others and you really have to get it through to him he cant come every day as all that does is prolong the agony, every time you see him it rubs salt into the wound and prolongs the healing process for you, get tough with him

Wow about spa man! For me I read up on st johns wort and took it (it's used as a herbal anti depressiant) it defiantly helped me and I took it for about 6 months. I had a lot of anxious energy so sorted my house out and when kids were out with their dad I went mooching around car boot sales/charity shops. It helped, good luck x

That sounds tough and no break/head space at all for you.

I'm 3 months into a separation and made it clear from the start that he couldn't come round every day. We're doing 2 bedtimes in the week and one full day at the weekend. He comes to the family home as also isn't staying somewhere he can have the kids. I wouldn't say he likes it, but it is working for me and the kids. Mine are a year older than each of yours and seem to be just getting on with life as though it hasnt changed. Some questions, but little stress.

I find the days he is here occasionally fine and calm, but often very stressful. The weekend days I try to make sure I have things planned - day out with friends or even just doing the supermarket shopping child-free. (Will remember carboot sales Willybreeder - love those, but a real pain with kids!).

He has issues about not seeing the kids as his dad buggered off when he was small and didn't see him.

We will see how the passing off to his mum thing goes.

He told me today that he isn't going to rent a flat because it seems to much to commit to a 6 mth tenancy when everything is up in the air, so his mum is letting him have her house as fortuitously she is just moving into a rental. Much better for the kids because they love going there. Not sure what this means for us though.

I just want to offer my support. I completely empathise with the 'double rejection' feeling. My H confessed the affair, apologised a bit but was undecided what to do and just mooched around feeling sorry for himself while I lost my mind yearning for him to throw himself on my mercy, beg for forgiveness, do anything to get me back etc. But he never did, so I asked him to leave, it was too painful knowing he just didn't feel like I wanted him too.

But it DOES get better, I promise. You sound pro-active and have your hands full with 3dc and running a house.

There will come a time, and I hope it's soon, when you will wake up, feeling positive. The sadness, the betrayal, the pain and the grief will all still be there, for a very long time (sorry )but you will get there. You will be able to get pleasure in things again and you will feel so proud of yourself for coping and flourishing despite your H's actions. You will begin to see him for what he is; selfish, weak and cowardly whereas you are independant and strong and managing a shitty situation which you did nothing to cause.

Everday, you'll get closer to feeling better. There are set backs and enduring pain but you WILL cope. You sound like you are doing really well already, even if you don't feel it.

Best of luck, read as much as you can, get counselling, see your GP if they think medication might help and don't cover for him, be honest with everyone and they will be happy to help, many having been through the same thing, sadly.

x

Thank you for that post. I'm worried that the 'double rejection' is making me forget what he's actually done, because I'm consumed with why he isn't fighting for me. The cheating seems like a side issue.

But I'm trying to keep in my head what someone else said further down, "he had already opted out of this relationship, you just need sometime to catch up"

patsy , willy . Your suggestions about carboots made me laugh; my H met OW at carboots! They used to meet every sunday morning there until pathetic midlifecrisis love struck! Don't think going to them would have helped me

Yes, I know exactly what you mean; I would have taken H back in a heartbeat if he'd shown he really, really wanted me. But he didn't, just kept sighing 'spose I'll have to stay with you', looking so sad and dejected, that hurt so much more than the cheating. I though I would die with the pain. I didn't, though, honestly, and you won't either. Promise.

Oh DH has just gone all introspective and 'why have I done this', 'who am I', 'how can I love you if I've done this to you'.

Tbh I feel like shaking him and telling him to get his head out of his arse.

I am 4 months on from stbxh's confession of an ongoing affair and almost 2 yr old child. We'd been together 28 yrs and have DD age 5.5.

I soon came to realise that the man I'd been in love with had ceased to exist, therefore I wasn't in love with stbxh anymore, iykwim.
I do end up seeing him more than I would like but DD wants and needs her Daddy so I choose to maintain a dignified civility.

My choice would be to never see him again, he's a total arsehole as far as I'm concerned.
However DD and I have a choice what to do now, we've chosen to get on with redecorating and enjoying our lives.
We didn't choose for this to happen and it's not ok that it did, but it will not diminish us as people or spoil our trust in humanity as a whole.

My friends on MN/fb/RL have been fabulous and their support means a huge amount to me.

The MN mantra 'this too shall pass' has been a great comfort too!

Wow childofisis, that is immense! I wish I could channel that thought and I think there is some truth to it. The man I loved would never have done this to me, he's obviously just grown into somebody I can't love.

OP Don't end up like me! Bitter and almost a recluse; so heartbroken and unable to eat properly for over 2 years - nobody should end up like this! Be strong, girl! Sending very best wishes to you and yours!

I'm with you ChildofIsis - the nice man I wnet out with and got married to has been gone for years - turned into a grumpy moody critical git.

DD7 and I are booked to go to Lanzarote in July with (half of) the deposit that STBXH paid for our Florida holiday that he booked while having an affair more than a year in advance of the holiday (why oh why oh why???) and are making plans for things WE want to do.

I'm hoping he drops dead of a heart attack (preferably while screwing his girlfriend) :) and I get all the insurance money! Then I wouldn't have to sell my home, not see my DD 3 days a week and have to see his ugly mug on a weekly basis.. DD would get over it - he's going to let her down when she's older so will save her that

(Still angry if you can't tell - but it's only been 4 weeks)

Get your house keys back from him. He should not be letting himself into your home. If he comes he should knock and go away if you're not there. You MUST erect some boundaries. This will help to knock some sense into him too, so regard this as a spend-to-save measure.

Tell him (in an E mail if you can't trust your body language) that you're taking him at his word that he can't have loved you enough to do this and have decided that if that's the case, it's better that you make this final and move on separately. Insist that he sees the children at his mother's house and always outside of your home.

This will frighten the life out of him, because right now he thinks he holds all the cards. Assuming he's not still emotionally connected to the OW, nothing else will make him snap out of this romantic twattery as the strategy I'm recommending.

Hi OP & others in similar situation. Sorry to hear how things stand, particularly when children involved.
Just wanted to echo what child of isis says really. I am 7 months on from discovering OW (rumbled my XH... yes divorced already) very quickly and do agree that he had has turned in to someone I dont know & certainly wouldnt choose to be with (OW was a good friend of ours!)
I have only been able to cope by not seeing him at all. Had 1 final full & frank discussion early on when he told me he was not coming back & to this day i have not seen him to talk to. I will not enter any text discussions about anything other than child access and tbh if I never have to see him or speak to him for the rest of my life that will be too soon.
People have said I am being very strong, but I do think this is how I am managing it....so my advice is dont get bogged down in pleading, being needy, sobbing - they have moved on & you must too.
There are a lot of good threads you could look at too (Saffys mum, wised up woman, beforeandafter).
You are all being brave & there is light at the end of the tunnel, some of my RL friends have been fantastic (be prepared to lose others) and I have made loads of great new friends which I feel is just what I needed.
Be strong girls, they are not worth it!

Don't ask me how but we just had an almighty row on the phone.

His calm, clinical approach to everything just sent me round the bend. Ended up screaming at each other on the phone.... I promised myself I would stay detached (fail)

He doesn't have keys, but the back door is easily opened if you know how..

He said sorry but he was desperate

Also I cannot find a house that will accept housing benefit so we are going to apply for the house together and he will live at his mums. Once I'm in I can claim the housing benefit and pay the landlord direct, he will pay the shortfall on top of child maintenance. He is also offering to pay for the car bills if he can use it when he has the kids (can't fit them in his works van). This seems fair to me?

You might have a problem claiming housing benefit if the tenancy is in joint names. Do you rent or own at the moment?
(sorry to be potential voice of doom).

We were renting anyway so transferred contract to me. But due to lack of income I had to pay 6 months rent in advance. Luckily we did have that much saved. XH occasionally says he feels some was his really but have avoided that subject. I then claimed tax credits and housing benefit and save those up to pay rhe rent every six months.

Don't worry about screaming at him. Better than the stupid sobbing I still sometimes do used to do.

Not entirely sure about the car thing - puts you in a position where you need to ask him to pay and then if he has the children and the car what do you use?

He needs to sort out his own transport - he had the affair and he needs to work out how he keeps seeing his children

(it is easier advising others btw. I still let XH take too many liberties but fewer now)