Probably been done to death, but am I asking too much?

[cobwebthegrey]

I'll keep it brief. Married 10 years, He works, I am a SAHM. 2 DC's 7 and 2. He gets up with the kids in the morning and gives them breakfast, I do the night wakings with 2 yr old hwo has never slept through. He does a fairly regular 8.5 hrs, comes home, has his tea, bathes the kids and then we jointly put them to bed.

i ask that he loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen after supper, and puts the bins out once a week. i do EVERYTHING else. All housework, all finances, all holiday/birthday/ kids activity org. The lot. he thinks He pulls his weight, I think he should do more. Who is right?

"What an absolute load of old shit. I have been a SAHM and I have worked full time. I did both jobs with gusto and I know 100% which is easier."

Well, plenty of women disagree with you, including the OP: "IME earning a living was much MUCh easier than being a 24/7 mother".

Depends on your job, your dcs, and your personality surely. I personally find being at home mostly easier, but then I currently have a very challenging and stressful job, and 2 fairly well behaved dcs!

If you both worked, you'd split the housework 50-50, right? Why should dads suddenly get an easy ride if their partner becomes a SAHM?

I totally agree with tha pov. When I was a SAHM, I have always seen my 'work' as looking after the dcs (ie taking them to activities, the park, doing some painting etc etc). If they had been at nursery whilst I was at work, that's the sort of thing I would have expected them to do, not to spend half the day doing ironing, washing up or cooking and leaving the dcs to 'entertain themselves'.
Also as it is work, I've always expected my H to split the HW left at the end of the day/week 50/50.
And as the Op, I found he was most relunctant to do it. He was waiting for me to ask for 'help'.

What I have found is that it works better if we split tasks. So I do the shopping, he does the ironing (for the family). We both put the washing to do and then put it to dry whenever we see it is necessary. He does all the car stuff because the garage is 'his' domain. And I organize the dcs activities.
And more importantly, I don't always do everything that needs to be done. So we might chat and I might mentioned that we need to think about what the dcs will have lunch the day after. He doesn't take the initiative. I don't do X or Y but then leave him deal with preparing lunch for them the day after. Think about 'natural consequences' with children lol.

BelieveInPink, everybody's excperience of looking after dcs is different.
I've done both myself and being at home with 2 young dcs was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done.
Then yes they are close together etc... But I am not sure that I wold have been better with just one that was asking for me to play with him all the time.

But even if it was easier, the issue here isn't that. More the fact that we all need some down time and looking after dcs/doing jobs around the house/HW isn't down time.

Personally I found working more stressful, as I had a high pressure, high status job. But being a SAHM certainly has its challenges too ans that shouldn't be overlooked.

"What an absolute load of old shit. I have been a SAHM and I have worked full time. I did both jobs with gusto and I know 100% which is easier."

Ahh but you see Pink, I got to SLEEP when I worked ft. Dc 1 took 2.5 years to sleep through the night, and dc2 still doesn't at just under 2. When they DID/Do sleep then I am in a pattern of insomnia waiting for their next wake up...hence the lie ins in the morning. Both of them are lovely personality wise, energetic, but gorgeous, its the sleep dep that kills.

I think, OP, the pertinent question you should ask yourself is " Are we BOTH sitting down to relax in the evenings at the same time?"

If he is reclining on the sofa every evening at 6pm whilst you don't get to sit down till 9pm because of all the chores that still need to be done, then it's definitely not fair.

What dreamingbohemian says. In our house, whoever cooks, doesn't have to clean UNLESS they do bedtime. That usually means DH cooking, me cleaning up (seems fair - he likes to cook, I don't mind cleaning. He cooks fancy dinners but then I have to deal with his scorched-earth kitchen policy afterwards. If it's my turn to do the cooking, we get omlettes and he can clean up in 5 minutes!). FWIW, I also do ALL the laundry (a wash a day usually, god damn how I fucking hate laundry), he does any DIY / decoration / deals with the car. I do pretty much everything else.

BUT, here's the interesting bit. We are both, at the moment, SAHPs. Whilst he worked, I was at home solo and I think he probably had no idea how much work it was just keeping the place clean and tidy, getting food in, keeping a baby happy and whathaveyou. Then, he stayed at home, I went to work. For the first week I'd get in, totally knackered, at 8pm and DS was tucked up in bed, the house clean and tidy, dinner on the table. He made it look so easy! But then, after a few weeks... boredom set in. The mindnumbing dullness of it all took its toll. He was glad when I was back home again to shoulder the load.

Point being: it seems pretty easy until you do it. It's not. As previous posters pointed out, you gotta factor in the dullness of it - one's soul gets sapped after a while. If you're at work you get positive feedback - if only money paid for a job well done. At home: nadda.

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking for a bench to be wiped down now and again. After all, you've been working all day too.

no clue I had the same experience the first time my DH was a SAHD -- as great as he is, until he did it himself, he didn't really get it

I actually think we are better partners because we have both done the SAHP thing. But I appreciate that not many people get to do this.

OP my DS has also been a rotten sleeper, and I also had big problems with insomnia even when he did sleep through. I really recommend Paul McKenna's 'I can make you sleep', I think it may actually have saved mine and DH's sanity. I'm not normally into self-help books at all but it really worked.

It REALLY bugs me how some men see being a SAHM as "not working" just because you are not getting paid. My partner is one of these men alas and does very little to help in the house as he's self employed and works all day and eve and weekend (in my honest opinion I think he's obsessed by work).

He does nothing to help with our dd except read her a story before bed. If I asked him to wash up after I cook tea in the evening he would get very arsey...it has taken me 10 months for him to do it without me asking.

I agree with the poster who said that come the evening/weekend, the chores and childcare should be shared equally.

Being a SAHM is bloody hard work at times, you feel like an unpaid cleaner half of the time. My dp actually said to me in an argument the other day " what exactly do you do, you iron once every few weeks, do a bit of cleaning and food shopping"....

A total arse.

I do everything around the house and everything with our dd, all week and all weekend with NO break.

OP, I don't think asking your partner to wash up after you have made dinnner is too much to ask AT ALL. It's called sharing, one does one thing, the other does the other thing.

I am by myself with my two DC 6 & 2 and it would be great to have somebody just to do one little job for me! Think he does quite well for a bloke!
Think you should just enjoy that you are a SAHM and are getting the time with your children as a result of your DH earnings.
I would think bathing the kids for him is a higher priority then the dishes if he hasn't seen them all day.
Don't worry and compare what anyone else thinks you just need to come up with a solution which keeps you all happy