Probably been done to death, but am I asking too much?

[cobwebthegrey]

I'll keep it brief. Married 10 years, He works, I am a SAHM. 2 DC's 7 and 2. He gets up with the kids in the morning and gives them breakfast, I do the night wakings with 2 yr old hwo has never slept through. He does a fairly regular 8.5 hrs, comes home, has his tea, bathes the kids and then we jointly put them to bed.

i ask that he loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen after supper, and puts the bins out once a week. i do EVERYTHING else. All housework, all finances, all holiday/birthday/ kids activity org. The lot. he thinks He pulls his weight, I think he should do more. Who is right?

Sounds like he does a reasonable amount to me.

What other chores exactly is it you want him to do?

DearBeardrie. minimal commute, 15 minute drive, and tbh thats time to himself when he can put on the radio and chill. He gets a lunchbreak every day too. I know it's not a cakewalk, but it is a change from being at home with the kids and the endless groundhog grind of housework. i just feel that its his house too, and they are his kids...and loading the dishwasher (only the plates we have used usually I do the rest before I fihish cooking) and wiping the surfaces every night is really just a 10 minute job, yet I have to nag about it every time.

I'm a SAHM, my DH works full time. He leaves the house every day about 8:10, gets back about 5, so his day is relatively short. We have 1 DS (13 months). We alternate getting up with DS (sleeps through but very early riser). Whoever is "off duty" gets up at 7am. When DH comes home he usually makes me a latte and I sit down while he plays with DS. We alternate giving DS dinner (he eats earlier than we do) and alternate giving DS his bath and bringing him to bed. DH cooks every evening (his choice). I tidy up. Apart from that DH does his own washing, is responsible for the bins and the garden and has hoovering duty every weekend. I don't buy any presents for his family or friends, that's his job. I generally sort out the car but he sorts out house insurance and things like mortgage etc. I keep an eye on day to day money.

It works very well for both of us and we're both very happy with it. DH used to be in charge of cleaning the bathroom as well but lately he's been doing a lot of DIY so I took over that job as the DIY is very time consuming and he was struggling to get it done. Basically the way we've worked it out is that we help each other, do a fair amount each and take full responsibility for certain specific things so that the other one doesn't have to worry about it.

If one person is languishing on the couch while the other struggles to get things done, that's just not fair IMO.

I don't think it's wrong to expect him to load the dishwasher, tidy up the kitchen and take out the bin. With a toddler, night-waking and the rest of the housework, you have enough to do.

"Sparks did you read the OP? cobweb made clear what she'd like her DH to do."

No. She posted what he already does.

cobwebthegrey:
I appreciate what you are saying, with regards the dishwasher / kitchen cleaning being a 10minute job.
Nevertheless "many hands make light work", and although you may think he should be doing both, if you share and do it together you could go turn the situation into a positive.

Instead of you nagging and feeling unhappy about having to nag - and him begrudging being nagged - it could become 5 minutes you spend doing something together. Sure, kitchen chores aren't fun, but time spent 'doing' something together will more often than not lead to time that is spent genuinely talking to and interacting with each other.
Certainly wouldn't hurt to give it a try?

Lady I have left him for odd weekends, so he understamds full well my workload, and has adimtted he could never handle being a sahp. What frustrates me is that this is a continuous bone of contention... at times he himself will say he feels like crap because he's not pulling his weight, and others gets defensive and says he does enough.
I do think he's a good dh and a great Dad, but I also think things are uneven. i suppose that when I look after my family I do things to a high standard, thats how I show I love them, and if I don't perceive the same level of drive coming back I feel hard done by. perhaos I need to look at that...or perhaps its normal. i DO know that when I go back to work this house will turn into a hell hole of arguments about who does what and I'll end up picking up all the flack.

Callindana, now you see THAT sounds fairer to me!

actually sparks, he doesn't always do it, thats the problem!

Dearbeardrie. Have tried that, it turns into ME doing it after about 2 days.

I am a wohm and DP is a sahd and our split is probably similar to yours. I only get myself ready in the morning but when I get home I will bath DC, do stories and bedtime routine. While I do that DH usually does dinner. After dinner he will usually wash up while I go round and pick up toys etc and have a general tidy.

Bathing DC is not a chore but when you have been a work all day it can feel like it, depending on the type of your day you've had and how co-operative the DC are feeling. He does most of the housework during the week but I will help out with things like ironing/cleaning if needed. I ask DH to let me know because I would rather do the things he feels are urgent than start hoovering if he is more concerned that DC don't have uniforms ironed for example.

It's not that I can't see things need doing but more about the fact that he is here and knows what the priorities are. After a day at work I am mentally too tired to think about it but physically happy to help out.

I think that having been the sahm and him having be the wohd makes up both more aware of the other. I know how he feels when the kids have been challenging and he needs a break and he also knows how it feels to have had a tough day and to need some time to wind down.

We don't have it perfectly sorted though - I'm sure there are times he wants me to do more and there are times I feel frustrated that he's had a nice day having coffee with friends which means everything else is behind. I think communicating helps but playing the "who has is harder" game doesn't.

WE are going to move more to a division of chores type list as DH doesn't always like giving me tasks to do and I don't always know what to do first when I walk through the door. It also means we can both plan our week knowing what we will need to do each.

Not sure if this helps, but think you actually BOTH need to be more considerate of the needs of the other to be honest.

I think he does loads

why should he spend his evenings cleaning the kitchen when you could do that in the day?

if you're really that unhappy maybe you could work and he could stay at home

or do half and half - part time each

Elvis, very interesting to hear about it from a completely reversed pov. we have discussed a list, and he has agreed this is a good idea. perhaps we justneed to get down to it and write one. I do understand that sometimes he has just had a shit day, and I try and keep an eye out for that. Last night I could see he was tired so I loaded the dishwasher, all hehas to do was wipe down thebenches. i asked him to, he said he would, this morning they were still filthy. Ho hum.

Gumby, I keep the kitchen clean after brekfast and lunch, but I have both DC at tea time and I'd actually like to spend time with oldest rather than have to put her off for chores.

It's very enlightening this thread...

oh and I could never earn s much as he at the mo Gumby. was made redundant whilst preg with first and now self employed, it will tale a lot of time and money to get me back up to a decent earning potential. we argreed I would take a break and child raise til Youngest at school.

I've been a SAHM and know how easy it is. I think your DH does his fair share.

First of all you both work. The only difference right now seems to be the hours you work and that one of you is getting paid. If you tot up all the hours you expend in childcare + domestic tasks + memory tasks like buying cards and presents and compare that with his working hours + commute + time taken on the extra tasks (when he does them), over a typical 7-day period, see how that compares.

And as I always say on these threads, if he lived alone or was a single parent (either working or a SAHD) he would have to cook meals, wash clothes and do everything that needs doing in order to exist. Just because he's got a partner at home who is caring for his child so that he can go to work and advance his career, doesn't mean he shouldn't still do those things.

The second point I always mention is that for a lot of people, domestic tasks and even childcare (depending on age) are mind-numbingly boring, repetitive activities. If your partner isn't expected to count beans at work, watch paint dry without a break or file the same papers day-in, day-out there is often no comparison between the mental stimulation at work compared with home activities. Whether at work or home, all of us would get bored and fed-up if we had to do the same repetetive things every day, without a break or a change, so this needs to be factored in to any division of labour too.

In absolute fairness too, you do need to factor in that mental stimulation and 'performing' to the outside world at work can often be more tiring, but this is less relevant if the SAHP is having broken sleep at night.

it sounds like he's doing quite a bit to me, but then again, my dh leaves home at 6.30am and gets back at 8.30pm, so i never have any help during the week with the 3 dc. at weekends we pretty much just muddle along, both doing whatever needs doing for kids/house. i'd say i do more than him domestically, but then again he'll always go out of his way to help with taking on jobs i hate (like going to the petrol station at 5.30am cos we've run out of millk or something). so it all evens out. i don't think it much matters whether anyone else thinks your split is fair, you obviously don't, and therefore it needs to get sorted.

You did ask for opinions... Sounds to me what he does is about right - why can't you do the kitchen the next day? Does it matter if not done that evening? Things do get distorted and out of proportion when you do not work outside the home. He get up, sorts the Dc before work while you have a lie-in, so prety square on the sleep side. How about after you put the kids to bed you sit down together and chat, rather than mithering about the kitchen?

I don't think it's the actual amount that's the problem, really, it's feeling like you have the full responsibility of the household on your shoulders and that all you have in the way of respite is a surly employee who needs to be ordered around. In order to feel relaxed you need to know that you have another person who genuinely shares the load - not someone who has to be pushed into doing the smallest task, but someone who will notice that you're very busy and just get on and do a few jobs around the house, or someone who will say "You need a day off, go out for coffee and I'll look after the kids." Feeling like you're 100% responsible for everything in the house and that if you don't do it, it just won't get done is very very stressful, it makes it seem like life is a never ending chore because you can't rely on anyone to pick up the slack, ever.

Until I joined MN, I honestly thought everyone followed the rule that whoever cooks dinner doesn't have to do the dishes.

It's frankly ridiculous that a grown man can't take 10 minutes to clean the kitchen!

Right now my DH is the SAHP (we've been switching back and forth depending on who's getting more work).

He does do almost everything, he's fantastic. But I still do all the laundry for all of us, and most of the housework. He's doing all the cooking, most of the shopping, pays bills. I take care of all the 'social' stuff (having family and friends over, birthday cards and all that).

We've actually sort of worked it out so that we each do the stuff we're best at and don't mind doing -- and it doesn't really change depending on who's the SAHP. The only thing I'm doing less of now is, obviously, taking care of DS, and cooking.

I think you need to find out exactly what his problem is. Does he think he shouldn't have to do it because you're at home all day? Is he scatter-brained? Lazy?

Mrs Guy, we live in an old house, and we have mice resident, so dishes etc left out overnight is not the best idea tbh.

I'm perfectly willing to concede that he does probably do more than most guys, but I still think he falls short of his share. just to make it clear, he gives the kids breakfast, he by no means gets them ready for school, my 'lie in' is oftem an extra 15 minutes, often none at all. DC wakes up between 2 and 5 times a night and it is me without fail who gets up. i don't mind this, he works, but during the times its particularly bad it would be nice to have him pull some of the slack without a nagfest being neccesary.

Calin, you have it perfectly...its the feeling that I am responsible for all of it, with noone else looking out for things I may have missed or helping when we have extra work on because of guests etc. Rubyslippers, I must have missed your post earoier, but yes I do think the lack of appreciation is an issue. Give my all, but I never get a pay rise, or praise or even told if i'm doing an ok job...and I find that hard. DH would say I give a lot of negative feedback to him, but he's the first to admit that I DO big him up A LOT and he never really says anything, positive OR negative.