Sharing my children with OW.

[summagirl]

Can anyone please tell me their experiences of this? I left my husband reluctantly due to abuse and he is now with a lady who was always desperate to have him.He still continues to ask me often to come back to him but I never will.
I have two hell trains of thought going on.Firstly I have to share my boys with them both for three nights a week and it just makes me feel so crazy.Secondly the smug look she gives me every time I see her makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, angry and emotional. She has no idea of my ex's constant advances. It is all a mess and I just want to walk away with my dear children but I cant. Has anyone dealt with this in a dignified graceful way.I have done so far but am getting so close to really losing it.I feel so sad and alone when they are gone. Sharing my beautiful sons with someone so disrespectful to me is a nightmare that I have to live with every day.

"my children... my sons"

Presumably they are his too. It's not really 'sharing', it's 'parenting'.

Its sharing the parenting yes of course. I have never questioned this. I am just having a really hard time right now.

I think you need to put her out of your mind and work out a way of doing the child handover without you having contact with her. Your exH mighy not like it, but there is no need for you to have contact with the OW.

Try to detach from the situation and just accept that thesis the way things are, not great, but better than being with him.

Thank you Lady M. I was just really hoping for a little support and kindness. Am feeling very low and confused.

i don't know why you would think of the OW as 'smug' - she's in a relationship wiht somebody who is hiding the fact that he's abusive and hiding the fact he's trying to get back with his ex (you)..

why can you not feel sorry for this woman? She didn't 'steal' your ex from you, you very sensibly called it a day as he wasn't worthy of you. you should feel only pity for her.

any time she gets to spend with your children as a virtue of being with their father is a gift to her and probably the only nice thing she'll get out of this relationship. poor woman.

She may be smug now but it doesn't sound as though he has magically changed his ways, does it?

Can't you try and rise above it? Focus on how strong you have been to leave someone who abused you, and pity her for having all that ahead of her.

She isn't responsible for your misery and your ex fostering jealousy between you is just another indication of what a wanker he truly is.

It's not always easy keeping the moral high ground but if you find yourself tempted to "wipe the smile off her face" by telling her about your ex's advances (or god forbid snagging him) then bear in mind that a) he will deny everything / tell her you pursued him / he only shagged you because he felt sorry for you. Will that really make you feel any better? Nope.

Tell him calmly and repeatedly to stop sexually harassing you and try to start focusing on your future rather than your past. Don't give him the power to control you.

Oh Grumpla, thank you. I was just about to delete this post. Am just so sensitive right now and the first reply had me in tears. I am not very good at talking in real life and tend to just melt down after I close the door. I thought this might be a good way to talk it through?

Love, that smug look will be wiped off her face pretty damned soon.. sadly. Pity her to be honest. I know you can't right now, but imagine the shit that it will be for her to realise in a few months/a year that actually all that she wished for might just kill her. Give her a totally pitying yet equally smug look back.

I totally understand what you are thinking about the children. I don't blame you at all. It would kill me to hand my son over to a bloke that has done nothing for him, has shouted frightened and terrorised him, has terrorised and destroyed me and sought to drain my entire life of anything worthwhile just so that I can be abjectly miserable and be under his control. Lucky, I don't have to share my boy with his feckless father. yet.

WRT your situation, AS LONG AS he is not harming them, then access will be fine. If the children are upset by him, or by access then take action.

I will say though that it's quite disturbing for children to be introduced to new partners too quickly, so perhaps you start with one day a week, then one day and an overnight and as long as the children are settled and happy you all work towards the shared 3 nights each.

If he is making advances towards you then make sure the hand overs are in a public place and ideally you have a member of family/friend with you if at all possible. Also tell him that you wouldn't touch him with a shitty stick having seen what he's stooped to, no matter HOW much he begs you. Say it in front of her if you must

All of what you describe is about control. Try to detach, don't ever get emotional about anything in front of him, that's what he wants. stick to agreements (if they are court appointed) if not then YOU tell him what the agreements will be until a formalised plan is in place.

YOU get to call the shots in your life now, not him.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book, and also Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

talking about it is really hard, if you read back my early posts, I said the same thing.

Come and post on the EA support thread? All of us know what you are feeling and can help you by sharing how we got through all this.

we're all here for you.

Hooray Hoodini, thank you wherever you are. Thats awesome advice and I am already sitting up in my chair. It just breaks my heart when I go into their room at night and they are not there. It is like a knife to my heart knowing that she can be with them and I cant.

Think about this woman.

She thinks she's WON! She can't see she got the BOOBY prize.

He WILL cheat on her, he WILL terrorise her and worse, and he will destroy her.

YOU on the other hand are NO LONGER under his control. YOU will get better, and stronger, and more YOURSELF. She is on a hiding to nothing, will, probably a hiding to a hiding actually.

If ANYONE has the right to look smug love, it's YOU! You are no Mystic Meg, but you can see what is waiting for her in her future!

I can see what awaits YOU, and it's bloody marvellous! Freedom is the most wonderful thing on earth, peace, serenity, calm and hope.

Look at what you have coming back to you! From here it WILL only get better for you. For her, only worse, and you KNOW how much worse it will get. There is NO chance, none whatsoever that he will NOT abuse her.

Leave her out of it.

They are his kids, and he is their dad. Whatever poor unfortunate sap is with him, we can hope that she will care for them. YOU are their mother and they will miss YOU at least as much, if not more than you miss them.

FWIW, I miss my boy when he's on a sleepover with my mum! You are doing the right thing, as long as the kids are happy.

Under no circumstances should you stop talking about this, either on here or in RL.

Can you get enrolled onto the Freedom Programme? It'll really help you! It did me!

Also if you need an ear to bend, call woman's aid, they are marvellous. Respect too (set up for perpetrators, but surprise, surprise, NOT busy)

I am overseas and we dont have the freedom programme here but I will try and see if there is something similiar? Thank you so much for your posts. I read Why does he do that' and it made me leave.I think I might read it again.Can you tell me how long it took for you to feel normal again?

You poor thing OP.

It's really hard - but it will get easier, honestly.

You can certainly speak to the X and request that handovers are completed without the OW - I don't think that's unreasonable, but only do this if you are prepared, and feel strong enough to deal with any potential "fall out".

Totally agree that she can think she's "won" all she likes, can't she?

You're free - FREE! How wonderful for you!

WRT to missing the children, can you start finding things to fill this evenings? Friends, wider family, hobbies, classes?

Houdin you are fab. I'm having a Shitty time with similar circumstances and you have just put a smile on my face and raised my shoulders. Thank you.

Thank you Maybe, only just saw your post. I feel so grateful that you have all taken the time to reply. My children have always been my life. It is the hardest thing I have ever done having to halve my time with them.

Firstly Summa, well done getting out of an abusive relationship; you are brilliant and strong and don't forget that for a second.

Secondly, she didn't 'win' anything, you left an abusive relationship and she's got your sloppy seconds. You should pity her, poor woman. She will never be anything like as important to your sons as you are, either.
Limit contact with her and exh, if someone else can do the change over even better; if not make it all as fast and business like as possible.

Now concentrate on yourself, I bet there's loads of things you'd love to do that you've never had time for?

Emigrate to Australia. Sorry. Not helpful but I bet you wish you could.

How long has it been since you separated?

I want to seperate my life, I really do but we have similar friends and I hear through the grapevine that she is telling everyone she has met her dream man and has started a new life with him and the kids 'my new stepkids!'. i simply cant tell anyone what he is doing and saying in real life. It is just so frustrating.But you are all right, I need to rise above and look ahead, not back. Easier said than done.

Hmmm. Honestly? I would say to my friends "Look, I don't really want to know, thanks! now, did you see that programme on TV last night?"

You do not need to be privy to her every uttering, and your friends are being insensitive - probably unintentionally, but do put them right.

How long has it been?

Thank you Alfa and Shirl. Its been about nine months.Do any of you have similar experiences with the children situation?

I think you need to ask your friends to not tell you anything about your exH or the OW unless it relates to your children's safety. It's like throwing salt on a wound. They may think they're helping but if they know it's hurting you and care about ou I'm sure they'll agree to stop.

Still early days then. I had similar experiences WRT to the ex, the begging to come back combined with an OW. He left her in the shit eventually too. So

Not so much experience with the children though - I only had to let them go for a few hours on a Sunday - which, honestly? Created it's own problems. It's very difficult to build your own life when you only have 4 hours per week in order to do so - IYKWIM? Can you try and see this is a positive thing, and you will feel better about in the future?

It's about faking it til you make it.