Sharing my children with OW.

[summagirl]

Can anyone please tell me their experiences of this? I left my husband reluctantly due to abuse and he is now with a lady who was always desperate to have him.He still continues to ask me often to come back to him but I never will.
I have two hell trains of thought going on.Firstly I have to share my boys with them both for three nights a week and it just makes me feel so crazy.Secondly the smug look she gives me every time I see her makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, angry and emotional. She has no idea of my ex's constant advances. It is all a mess and I just want to walk away with my dear children but I cant. Has anyone dealt with this in a dignified graceful way.I have done so far but am getting so close to really losing it.I feel so sad and alone when they are gone. Sharing my beautiful sons with someone so disrespectful to me is a nightmare that I have to live with every day.

Thanks Grumpla! Yes I am a such a charity shop girl! It is just so healing hearing about other peoples experiences and knowing that they have come out the other side. I read everything, and always in the bath :)
How lovely of you to check in, this thread has lifted my spirits immensely.

summa, I totally empathise with you. I found it physically painful when my dc's first started going to XH and OW's for weekends. A few years on, I don't dwell on it as it still feels like a punch in the stomach now and again.

I've still not even had any contact with OW, Xh keeps her well at a distance and I can't say I mind! Luckily they live some distance away so I've never run the risk of bumping into her. She has the booby prize as far as I'm concerned.

I can promise it all gets easier though. Use the time to see friends or do things for you. When I met a new partner, the time was suddenly a blessing. 12 months on from the worst time in my life, I was away in Paris with a lovely new DP. Life can change very suddenly for the better as well as the worse.

You sound lovely, I have no doubt you will be happy again.

And just to say, love the books, bubbles and biccy plan of action - that was definitely the one I used!!

Wow - you poor creature, sounds like hell.

But you know, you can't share something that you are not in possession of - and your DC's aren't your possessions.

How is their relationship with their Dad? What is his new partner like with them? Do you have any concerns for them and their safety or is it the feeling of threat to your role that you are struggling with?

Is there anyone you can talk to, maybe your GP to start with and then maybe a councellor or someone to help you deal with these feelings? For the sake of your children.

You have done an amazing thing in freeing yourself, this poor woman is wehere you were beofre you realised what your ex was like. You've no idea what bilehe's been feeding her about you. It's not her you need to be angry with. Fix a nice big smile and rise above - if you can't, maybe a little therapy might help.

Good luck.

agree with the therapy line (got me through some very tough times) but imo the ownership deal is theory. in my very humble opinion.

summagirl, I would be quite useless in offering advice, as I have no experience in this. But I wanted to pop in to say that I am reading, I feel for you, and that I am glad you are having all these fantastic replies from helpful women. You do sound like a lovely person who deserves happiness, and you are already in the road towards it. I hope you find as few obstacles as possible. Big hugs!

summagirl - I can empathise with how you feel and honestly promise that you will feel better. Take small, small steps to start with. My DC visit their father and his partner every other weekend, and have done for years now. It's kind of hard to remember how I felt when they first started doing this as one was just a baby and the other was not born - DD1 is now 9. But, I can remember shutting their bedroom doors and not going in them for the whole weekend. I still do this - childrens' empty bedrooms always seem sad to me! I tidy away all their toys and general stuff as much as I can and in a kind (to me) way forget about them for two days. Sometimes putting your head in the sand works

Just like you, I can't afford the same kind of things exdh can, but you know that children really don't care about how much things cost. They like doing things with you which cost nothing at all. Going to the park, splashing in puddles, playing games, having a disco in the kitchen, making cakes - the list is endless.

I think it took me about a year to start feeling better after the relationship broke down so please don't be hard on yourself.

Wish Big x

I truely am feeling a lot better just letting this all out and listening to all of your fantastic friendly posts. I had anger at me for so long, I am humbled by everyones kindness. My main concern is becoming a bitter person and before all this I was such a free spirit who was grateful and excited by life. I look back at journals before I met ex and I was such a laugh and so concerned about others. I really dont want be consumed by my own self. And I couldnt live with myself if my chidren grew up in a sad enviroment.So I am getting therapy, running and talking to you guys.Its awesome to feel pro-active.And you have all helped me so much in 24 hours!

Once you start doing things for yourself you will be shocked at how much progress you make in your life.

Wobbles still happen, but we can help with those!

You are doing really well love!

ah but.. you have to go through grief. There's no way around it I'm afraid. You've got to get all that sorrow out - live it really, for a while - and then you're ready to put it aside. You will be the person you were before! I'm out the other side, and I am! actually, a better person. in my very humble opinion

Oh yes Springdaffs, I have been on a rollercoaster this past year.It has been the toughest time of my life. And I know it is not over. I think thats why I logged on the other night. Just to do something, anything to get through the pain.Its funny, little things came to me throughout the day that you ladies had written. I really like Carly Wurleys 'life can suddenly change for the better as well as the worse'. I held that with me today.And walked in the sunshine with my children.Whose are they if they are not mine I wonder? Thank you everyone x

bless you summa, I do know what it's like - so painful. Keep going though, you will come through. Dot your life with lovely things, even if for 5 minutes. Look at lovely things, listen to lovely things, things that do it for you... etc.

Back to the double blinds: initially, ex wouldn't have the kids. And that was because I was begging him to, that the children needed him etc. Then, when I moved on and started to organise our lives without him, suddenly he was right up there, insisting on having the children. Just saying...

So pleased that what I said helped.

And springy - I love the idea of dotting your life with lovely things. That's what I did. Last week I bought some lovely tulips, or I treat myself to a posh coffee with a friend or go for a walk by the sea. It all helps with the recovery. Sadly there's no quick fix, but being kind to yourself is a massive start.

What sort of abuse were you subjected to OP?

I love that too Springdaffs.I might put it up on my fridge.'Dot your life with lovely things'. Carly Wurly, we sound the same, I love posh coffee sometimes and walks by the sea.And I have met some beautiful friends since being on my own again.Posie, it was every kind.But I just dont think I can talk about it yet.

tbh for a while I couldn't function when the kids were gone - I wouldn't have been able to do lots of 'jobs'. I got to that later though, and started enjoying my life and my time when they were away. It took a while.

Thank you so much BS and SD.I have days where I do feel ok and others when I feel so bad. Today is one of those and I just clicked on to MN and saw your replies.The boys are gone and I miss them so much.There is nothing I want to do but go to bed and cry.I still miss our family so much.There were many good days.We were together a long time.It feels crazy to have been surrounded by everyone's laughter and life and bikes and balloons and now, nothing.

Perhaps it would help if I offered something from the childrens perspective? When I was 10 my Dad left to live with OW and my brother and I went on to spend lots of weekends and holidays with them. The financial situation was similar, in that they could afford more exotic holidays and trips out. Whilst this was enjoyable, I still remember having just as good if not better times with my Mum and stepdad. I have a good friendship with SM, but not once did it ever feel like she could replace my mum. I think it's good that the OW sees them as stepkids as she should treat them well.

It's natural that you will feel an emptiness when the kids are away, since they occupied so much of your life previously. Hopefully these times will begin to feel valuable again as you start to rekindle hobbies and interests that you had before.

What a beautiful post IABP. Thank you so much.And I have gone over that word 'rekindle'. Its so nice, I need to rekindle my life. And I think I already am.