Sharing my children with OW.

[summagirl]

Can anyone please tell me their experiences of this? I left my husband reluctantly due to abuse and he is now with a lady who was always desperate to have him.He still continues to ask me often to come back to him but I never will.
I have two hell trains of thought going on.Firstly I have to share my boys with them both for three nights a week and it just makes me feel so crazy.Secondly the smug look she gives me every time I see her makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, angry and emotional. She has no idea of my ex's constant advances. It is all a mess and I just want to walk away with my dear children but I cant. Has anyone dealt with this in a dignified graceful way.I have done so far but am getting so close to really losing it.I feel so sad and alone when they are gone. Sharing my beautiful sons with someone so disrespectful to me is a nightmare that I have to live with every day.

I did say last night to my friend, 'Im sorry but I would rather not talk about it'. I am feeling stronger as each day goes past.Would never have said that before but I am just trying to get through each day right now.

Right now three days a week I am exhausted and way too emotional to be positive about anything.But when my boys are here, we are all fine.I love them so much, its just not fair at all.

If you hear anything else through the grapevine the answer is "Oh has she, how lovely...now did you see Eastenders last night?"

If she pulls faces at handovers, smile widely and tell your DC very loudly "Now have a lovely time with Dad, I'll see you soon" (...and come home, punch a pillow, scream, eat choclate)

The next time your ex asks you back, smile (big shit eating grin) and say "Not in a month of sundays fuckwit"

Become a great actress. Become an ice queen inside - no matter how much it hurts, dont show it. Be the happy smiling mummy that your sons deserve. Be the LION that finally broke free. Be happy - your sons deserve to be bought up by a mum that isn't being abused, you deserve to be happy - BE HAPPY.

Nine months is a very short time. It will hurt when your children are not with you. It's been 4 years for me and most of the time I'm pretty OK with it - because it has become routine and DS is settled in it - but I still have the occassional week when I feel absolutely torn apart on the days when he with his dad.
That feeling will ease as time goes on. You are dealing with that on top of the emotional fall out from ending this relationship. You need to be kind to yourself right now.

I didn't leave an abusive relationship so you'll get better advice on how to deal with that from others on here (as you have done so far) but I wanted to let you know that others understand the pain you feel at the empty bedrooms. In the first year (and yes, sometimes even now) I just cannot go into DS room when he is at his dad's.

Stay with this thread, keep talking.
It takes time to learn how to detach yourself and learn the 'smile and wave' philosophy, but you will get there and we'll support you while you do.

OMG thank you LtEve and Queen, both of your posts have made me cry.I literally cant breathe when they are not here. I just roam around the house in grief. I had a busy hectic family life and now some nights, nothing, noone. I am going to take all of this onboard definately.I can do this.

Hi Summa, I don't know if part of what you're feeling is the 'happy families' thing. I was acutely aware that DD was leaving miserable mummy to spend time with her happy dad and his new loved-up GF doing jolly things together.

I know you're not miserable when you're with your dcs but it's worth remembering ou will always be their mum. You are irriplaceable. You are no 1 in their lives.

Yes TWG, I have been making a real effort to be chirpy when I am with them and it is so hard when I hear them come home telling me all the fun things they have been doing.Did you find it got easier?

I had been a full time SAHM for two years. Suddenly I had three days a week on my own. I felt on those days I had no 'purpose' - i was just a body floating through the days. The evenings were just dreadful - I often found myself in bed at 8pm because there was nothing else to do.
I had to make a concerted effort to find things to do, chase up friendships etc

You have to start viewing that time as 'bonus free time' and use it to do things just for you. I struggled with that because I didn't ^want' that free time, but had to change my thinking to embrace it.

I really feel for you, I can remember those days so vividly and wish you were near me so I could help you through it.

Thank you all so much. I have to work now but will check in when I get back. xxx

Thats so it Queen,everyone is saying you need to fill up this new time but I am so used to doing Mama things in the evenings.I am ok during the day when there is lots to do but my nights are so quiet! And I really dont fancy being 'out and about' in the dark. Luckily I read, a lot :)

It does get easier. You're a good mum so obviously you want your dcs to be safe and happy. How much worse would it be if they were coming back saying they'd had a crap time?

Once DD got older (and her dad found it harder to control her) she chose to spend less and less time with him anyway

Summa, no advice on how to deal with this, just to echo what the others have said.

Perhaps a hobby would be good? Something to occupy your time & mind during the evening when your boys aren't home.

It will get easier.

All of it.

MN will help you, come talk/rant to us!

do you have friends to meet up with for a drink, or could you invite 'the girls' over? what about batch cooking even, anything to get you through the first few weeks. Eventually it will become a new routine and you won't feel so lost.

WRT feeling normal... for the first 8m I barely functioned, I worked, but couldn't look a male person in the face. Found it hard to talk to them.

I got myself into a DV support group, then the freedom programme (you may be able to do it online..) and now have a therapist. I'm chucking EVERYTHING at my recovery, and while I am markedly improved, there is still far to go.

I've started internet dating now, and have 2nd date lined up for this weekend. I'm terrified. But then, having left the life I lead, I was terrified of literally everything. Even just leaving the house. Gladly not so much these days, just genuinely nerve-wracking stuff like dates... :)

If your 'grapevine' tittle tattles to you, say to them 'Exactly WHY do you think I want to hear any of this? Are YOU trying to hurt me?'

When we are in an abusive relationship, it's not just our abuser that takes the piss. We are weakened in general, so various arseholes acquaintances/family even will treat us in a way that is unacceptable tbh.

I've had this with my sister. I had to set her straight on a couple of things. She didn't like it. But you know what? I was always the Alpha Sister, I may have been downtrodden in the past, but now I'm BACK.

It won't go down with everyone too well, but then that is the indicator you need to bin those people too.

The first thing we as survivors learn is that we CAN say the word NO, and there isn't a thing anyone else can do about it.

smokinaces? have you been on the EA thread? it's great.... TONS of people to help you understand/work through stuff.

Don't be shy...

It will get easier.....she is only smug because she thinks she has won the prize.

Pity the poor desperate woman, as for the DC..they will always know who there mum is.

Houdini, whats the EA thread? I've posted in lone parents a couple of times, but not regularly.

m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1333564-Support-for-those-in-abusive-relationships-thread-6

Here smokinaces!

Oh that was the mobile version.. Hope it works!

I have some experience of shared parenting with another woman, if it helps, although not on the scale you are having, more the every other w/end type thing. I didn't find it as hard because ex's g/f prior to her was horrible to DD and resented her being there, so it was an improvement, IYSWIM. So there has to be some element of count your blessings. Also, it is so easy to misinterpret things that a step-mother does (specially if you are already pretty upset). DD's Dad and SM have now split up, so I've chatted to her a few times - she used to hug DD when she picker her up, right in front of me, smiling, and I found that very difficult - she said recently (so years later) that she was trying to reassure me, let me know DD was cared for.

Also, don't underestimate the manipulation of your ex - he used to try and play me (and DD) off against his new wife all the time, saying she didn't want DD there, that she was refusing to let him spend money on DD. It was all bollocks.

Thank you everyone.Coming back to all these thoughtful and so useful messages is amazing for me.I will check out the EA thread.

It sounds like there's lots of things going on at once.

Firstly, there's your own recovery after an abusive relationship to deal with.

Secondly, going to shared custody can really hurt - no matter what the circumstances of the relationship/break-up are or whether there was/is someone else in involved. My relationship wasn't abusive and there was no other woman around my son, but I relate completely when you say "It just breaks my heart when I go into their room at night and they are not there." At the beginning, when my husband moved out (we have 50/50, alternating nights) it felt like half of me had been amputated on the nights my son wasn't at home. It gets better, it gets easier. I agree with everyone who says to start trying to think of it as bonus time for you to recover, enjoy yourself, do what you want as you become your new person.

Thirdly, his trying it on with you really has to stop. That's awful. I'm not quite sure whether threatening to tell her would be wise or not, but really just try see him as little as possible and always cut conversations short so that they are only ever about the children. Must be really rubbing salt into everything.

Fourthly, try not to focus on her if you can. I know it will be difficult, but try if you can think of her as your ex's new partner rather than OW. It doesn't sound like she was around when you were with your ex, in which case she is not an OW. Even if she was, I think at some point people need to move from (if they remain on the scene) OW to 'ex's new partner' because that places the ex firmly in your past, whereas OW implies a current relationship. She really isn't the issue at all. You must be very resentful and angry at him apparently having moved on and playing 'happy families' when you're still having to deal with the aftermath of his abuse.

I can see how him having a new woman, having to heal from abuse and him being such a cock and trying it on with you must make what is already a painful experience 100 times harder. I found moving to shared custody very traumatic (in the short-term) and didn't have any of that extra stuff to deal with so I really do feel for you.

Oh yes EC. Its is like I am running in a dream and not getting anywhere. Thank you for all of that great advice. I cant even begin to tell you how much this thread is helping.I am having trouble with so many things. One of them is the fact that ex and 'new partner' can afford to do so many things when I am trying to make ends meet. Looking back on the last nine months I do feel a whole lot better than I did in the beginning.For so long I thought I had done the wrong thing and some of my family thought I should change my mind. They had no idea of what I put up with for 14 years though.

I feel for you (unlike the first poster, trotting out the party line) women who have to do a 50/50 split. When my kids were little we did every other w/e and that was hard enough. I was like you OP, trailing around the house completely lost. It does get better, promise. Maybe you're not up to it yet but gradually factor in downtime for just you. A hobby is good too - if you definitely want to stay at home then sewing, knitting, rugmaking etc because then you're creating something and you can get lost in it. Talk radio is good too - radio 4 for me. Stops you thinking too much.

I think it will always hurt - every time they went it was a wrench - but I gradually got used to it. I also dropped them off as often as possible sometimes, which was better than being left in a gaping empty silent house listening to the car driving away. Made me feel more in control to drop them off, plus I was already out and about and could delay going home and go somewhere interesting/with interesting people.

Never ever ever let abusive ex get even an inkling about the things that upset you. Somehow, ex never quite got it why i preferred to drop them off (I had to do a double blind on that sometimes, pretending it was an imposition, just to cover my tracks). As for the ridiculous woman, you have my sympathy that such a one gets your prize for 3 nights. I know what that is like (i once nearly died when I heard her, over the phone, ask ds if he wanted a bacon sandwich sneer not you sorted party line people )

Talking of double blinds - it always worked for me to ask for the opposite of what I wanted re if I wanted them home early I'd ask if they could come home a bit later. etc. worked every time. Maybe when you're not so full of grief you could use that to your advantage to get more time with your boys

big HUG to you hurting mummy

Thats so true SDaffs,I already pretty much say the the opposite of what I want and it works every time! You sound amazing and what a great idea. I think I might do more drop offs. I have already learnt since I started this post that I have probably been far too emotional regarding my ex. My head is up from here on in. I wanted him to know how much he had hurt us all and embarrassed us by being with someone so close to home and who has a terrible reputation already. I wanted him to know so many things but nothing works, his ego is worth far more than his family ever was obviously.

Just popping back to see how you're feeling now summa and glad to see so many other posters with more experience of your situation giving you some really helpful advice.

I'm glad you say you read a lot - reading has always been my escape from hard times and it is far more therapeutic than just watching tv or moping! My local charity shops often do really cheap deals on paperbacks - or if you can afford a kindle there are some brilliant cheap books available for that. As long as you always have an emergency stash of books, biscuits and bubble bath you can get through a LOT!

Maybe steer clear of mushy romance novels for a while though