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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this domestic abuse? Really confused here.

67 replies

sunrise65 · 23/01/2012 07:35

Hi everybody, I don't know if I am being OTT posting on here but I'm feeling really confused and would value peoples opinions if you have time!

Basically, I've been in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who I have a 10 month old baby to (I know...) When we first started seeing each other everything was great and even when I became pregnant he was really supportive on the whole, apart from one incident where he said he had stopped smoking weed but I found out he'd been lying. Anyway, we moved in together and it's all been good, he is an amazing dad and a great boyfriend at times too. We are struggling quite a bit financially but he works hard trying to make what money he can.

Then about 6 months or so ago he started to have these really angry outbursts. Whenever we have a disagreement he will get so mad and start swearing and shouting. They have been becoming more and more frequent and have resulted in a hole punched in the living room door, him pushing me, threatening to kick me, throwing stuff at me including a mobile phone which cut my finger open, slamming doors etc etc. He does this either infront of our baby girl or while she is close by. Afterwards he is always apologetic and says his behaviour is disgraceful. He has even put himself on the waiting list for anger management. Since new year though we have had 3 angry episodes and after the last time I told him that I would not put up with it anymore and he's on his last chance because I don't want my little girl to grow up with this around her. It's horrible, she goes quiet and just stares at him when he is kicking off. He promised he was going to make an effort but last night he started turning nasty again and so I said I wanted to do DD's bath and bed on my own. He went off in a mood about it but then came into the bedroom when I was getting her settled and said 'give her here', I ignored him and went into her bedroom to get something and he said 'oi tosser where the fuck are you goin' (he has said these type of things quite a lot) . After i had put baby girl to bed I came into the front room and decided to stand up for myself and I said 'how dare you call me a tosser infront of DD' and he flipped and chucked his laptop towards me then started throwing other stuff about, swearing as usual. And I burst into tears and was shaking because he frightens me when he gets like that and he said 'why the fuck are you crying'. I suggested to him to go for a walk to cool down which he said didn't need to do but after getting wound up again he finally did and was calmer once he got back. He said sorry but I didn't have anything more to say to him.

I think I'm at the end of my tether with him. I don't know what to do. I feel scared of him and thats not right is it? I even have horrible dreams where he is attacking me.
But on the other hand when we do get on we really do and have such a laugh and he is a lovely boyfriend again.
I hate the idea of being on my own, it seems so scary and feel like everyone will be like 'look I told you so..' including my mum.
If I told my mum the truth about why we ended then he would be so upset as she suffers from anxiety and depression plus she really likes my boyfriend!

Advice please! I really don't know if I am just being silly and need to make an effort to make things work.

OP posts:
Dillydaydreaming · 23/01/2012 07:43

You are not being silly, he has a problem and YES this is domestic abuse. He has verbally and physically assaulted you ( pushing, shoving, throwing things at you) AND he does these things in front of his DD. You say she "goes quiet", this is already affecting her.
I don't know what your living arrangements are but you need to be apart from this man. He is abusive, his outbursts are escalating and this will only get worse. He doesn't need anger management, he needs a domestic violence course.
Contact Women's Aid- I will look up the number for you.

It's hard because as you say - he is mostly great, this is how abusers function - most of the time they can be great but behind doors and when riled they are NOT great.

Have you confided in anyone else?

sarahbanshee · 23/01/2012 07:43

You are not being silly at all - he is indeed being abusive. Your daughter deserves better and so do you. This is already bad and it could get worse - please don't wait until he really hurts one of you, leave now. It is hard but you can do it and you deserve to be treated better than this. There is help available- contact Women's Aid or look up domestic violence in the yellow pages, or speak to your health visitor or GP. it will be hard but you are brave and you can do it to protect yourself and your daughter. You deserve much better than this.

Dillydaydreaming · 23/01/2012 07:45

Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Please please give them a ring, they are brilliant, will listen and won't judge.

StayForNoone · 23/01/2012 07:50

How often is he smoking the weed? He sounds like my stbxh. He was prone to rages too. When he didn't have weed and was withdrawing.

Flisspaps · 23/01/2012 07:52

Yes lovely, this IS abuse.

Your little girl is seeing this and is learning it is acceptable and normal.

Forget your mum feeling sad because she likes who she thinks he is, or people saying I told you so. Think about never having something thrown at you again, or never having to see the confused look on your daughters face any more. Don't give him the opportunity to hurt her, because he isn't a lovely man. All abusers give you something to hold onto, a moment of happiness so you don't go, a lovely man would give you those without the trade off of being shouted at, or used as target practice Sad

davidtennantsmistress · 23/01/2012 07:52

yes, it is, you know this, he's escalating, you've seen this. please please ring womans aid.

better to suffer a few told you so's than have your child in this bad environment. :-)

ArosstheUniverse · 23/01/2012 07:57

You both need to get away from this 'man'- call Women's Aid today. You really cannot let this continue, you must think of you and your baby's safety and well being. My stepfather was similar and it is just soul detroying. Your daughter, and you, deserve so much better.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 23/01/2012 08:05

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please call Women's Aid; they helped me enormously.

makeyerowndamndinner · 23/01/2012 08:06

Yes. Absolutely. This is domestic abuse. You are not being OTT in the slightest.

screamadelica · 23/01/2012 08:20

YES.....this is domestic abuse...please don't tolerate it,do something about it!!!

It will only get worse.

So sorry for you.

MuckyCarpet · 23/01/2012 08:25

Yes, definately domestic abuse. The very first time he threw something at you or intimidated you at all it became domestic abuse. It tends to start off like this - and then the slapping starts - not long after, the punches start.

Your DD goes quiet because she is already becoming used to the scene. In a few years, she will bury her head under her pillow when she hears it all kicking off.

I'm not going to tell you to "leave the bastard" as it is NOT an easy thing to do but yes, this IS domestic abuse.

squeakytoy · 23/01/2012 08:28

You are not not not NOT being silly at all.

Being an amazing dad and boyfriend "sometimes" is not enough. You end up feeling grateful for those rare occasions.. that isnt right.

He is escalating his violence, and it will get worse. You need to get yourself and your daughter away from this man immediately.

Please confide in your mum, you need her.. you dont need this idiot, and neither does your daughter.

Ring womens aid as others have said, and they can help you too.

You sound quite young, but dont ruin your life and your child's by staying with this violent bully.

Ask yourself what you would advise your little girl if someone was treating her like this? You would want to help her and get her away from it. Go to your mum, talk to her, it doesnt matter if anyone says "I told you so", but that makes me wonder if your friends have a very good idea what sort of a tosser he is anyway, and they will understand.

TheProvincialLady · 23/01/2012 08:30

Yes it is domestic abuse and please get one thing clear in your mind - he is NOT a great father. He is an ABUSIVE father. Your child is being abused by having to witness this and it is actively damaging her emotional development. If you don't believe me, look at the NSPCC website. Please do something about it for both your sakes. You have to get him out of your home, or leave. You cannot put up with this any longer.

Original poster
sunrise65 · 23/01/2012 08:31

wow..thank you all for replying. i'm overwhelmed. maybe i'm not being so dramatic then. I will give womens aid a ring this morning. thank you so so much xxx

OP posts:
TubbyDuffs · 23/01/2012 08:36

I am failing to see how someone who rants and swear and is violent in front of his child is an "amazing dad".

Definitely abusive, get out now.

As for your mum really liking him, I wouldn't make that one of the reasons for staying with an abusive partner; I'm sure if your mum witnessed one of his episodes, she would soon change her mind.

Good luck. x

Original poster
sunrise65 · 23/01/2012 08:36

p.s. Dillydaydreaming - i have a sister who i've told a bit about what's been happening. she says she thinks we should have some time apart but I get the feeling she is of the opinion that we should try sort it out once my bf gets help with anger etc, so that my DD has her dad.
Unfortunately i moved to a diff place around the time i got with my boyfriend so all my friends live far away.

stayfornoone - he used to have a big habit (bongs all day long..) but apart from the time i found out he had been smoking when i was pregnant i don't think he does anymore. i'm pretty sure because i don't think he'd dare plus just don't know when he would, he is too busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunrise65 · 23/01/2012 08:37

tubbyduffs - i know it sounds silly, he isn't amazing when he is in one of his rages but the otehr times he is so great with her. does everything i do apart from breastfeed! i can tell she loves him so much. but i know his behaviour isn't right.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 23/01/2012 08:45

Amazing dads don't cause their children to go rigid and silent with fear. Amazing dads don't terrorise the mothers of their children.
She's already learnt he can't control his temper.
Please ring WA and start that better life without this idiot. Who would do that to a baby?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/01/2012 09:01

i know it sounds silly, he isn't amazing when he is in one of his rages but the otehr times he is so great with her. does everything i do apart from breastfeed! i can tell she loves him so much. but i know his behaviour isn't right.

It's the cycle of abuse: mean and sweet alternate. The niceness is actually part of the abuse, as it keeps you hooked, hoping that the niceness can become the permanent state of affairs (it can't).

Have you called WA?

imaginethat · 23/01/2012 09:04

Yes he is being very abusive to you and your baby.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, first year with baby is enough of a rollercoaster without dv thrown in.

Please get some proper help quickly. Don't let anyone minimise this, it is serious and often escalates quickly.

You and your baby need to be safe, first and foremost. Once you are settled and feeling a bit stronger, you can think about how he can continue to be the amazing dad he is capable of being.

It is quite possible that, with the right help and focus, he can overcome his problems, but you need to leave that to him to sort out. He has a lot of growing up to do and right now is not well enough to be around you or your baby.

Trust me on this, I am not over-dramatising. Three episodes since New Year's is three too many and something has to change quickly.

Katisha · 23/01/2012 09:18

Abusive men are always marvellous when everything is going their way.

Also he needs to get off the weed - it does affect peoples personalities as many on here can testify.

He is showing you no respect - you need to respect yourself and take steps to keep yourself and your daughter safe.

DOn't live through this for the sake of not upsetting your mother - she would be more upset that you were putting up with it so as not to worry her. Don't find reasons why you should put up with it - there are none.

Ring WA - keep trying - they are often engaged. Also go and see a solicitor aout your entitlements when splitting up - first session can be free of charge I believe.

No more "I'm sorry but not sorry enough to stop doing it"

Original poster
sunrise65 · 23/01/2012 09:38

thank you all again for your support. been trying to ring WA but they are busy. will try get through to them though. will WA make me ring the police or anything?

OP posts:
Katisha · 23/01/2012 09:40

No they wont. They will advise.

imaginethat · 23/01/2012 09:41

No one should be making you do anything. The whole point of organisations like that is to empower people like you, i.e. encourage you to make decisions that will help you, not force you to do anything you are uncomfortable about.

all the best xx

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 23/01/2012 09:43

They won't make you do anything, but they will listen and can give you suggestions. It's a good idea to make sure you know where all your important paperwork is, like passport/birth certificates etc in case you leave abruptly.

You need to get yourself and your baby out of this situation.