is this domestic abuse? Really confused here.

[sunrise65]

Hi everybody, I don't know if I am being OTT posting on here but I'm feeling really confused and would value peoples opinions if you have time!

Basically, I've been in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who I have a 10 month old baby to (I know...) When we first started seeing each other everything was great and even when I became pregnant he was really supportive on the whole, apart from one incident where he said he had stopped smoking weed but I found out he'd been lying. Anyway, we moved in together and it's all been good, he is an amazing dad and a great boyfriend at times too. We are struggling quite a bit financially but he works hard trying to make what money he can.

Then about 6 months or so ago he started to have these really angry outbursts. Whenever we have a disagreement he will get so mad and start swearing and shouting. They have been becoming more and more frequent and have resulted in a hole punched in the living room door, him pushing me, threatening to kick me, throwing stuff at me including a mobile phone which cut my finger open, slamming doors etc etc. He does this either infront of our baby girl or while she is close by. Afterwards he is always apologetic and says his behaviour is disgraceful. He has even put himself on the waiting list for anger management. Since new year though we have had 3 angry episodes and after the last time I told him that I would not put up with it anymore and he's on his last chance because I don't want my little girl to grow up with this around her. It's horrible, she goes quiet and just stares at him when he is kicking off. He promised he was going to make an effort but last night he started turning nasty again and so I said I wanted to do DD's bath and bed on my own. He went off in a mood about it but then came into the bedroom when I was getting her settled and said 'give her here', I ignored him and went into her bedroom to get something and he said 'oi tosser where the fuck are you goin' (he has said these type of things quite a lot) . After i had put baby girl to bed I came into the front room and decided to stand up for myself and I said 'how dare you call me a tosser infront of DD' and he flipped and chucked his laptop towards me then started throwing other stuff about, swearing as usual. And I burst into tears and was shaking because he frightens me when he gets like that and he said 'why the fuck are you crying'. I suggested to him to go for a walk to cool down which he said didn't need to do but after getting wound up again he finally did and was calmer once he got back. He said sorry but I didn't have anything more to say to him.

I think I'm at the end of my tether with him. I don't know what to do. I feel scared of him and thats not right is it? I even have horrible dreams where he is attacking me.
But on the other hand when we do get on we really do and have such a laugh and he is a lovely boyfriend again.
I hate the idea of being on my own, it seems so scary and feel like everyone will be like 'look I told you so..' including my mum.
If I told my mum the truth about why we ended then he would be so upset as she suffers from anxiety and depression plus she really likes my boyfriend!

Advice please! I really don't know if I am just being silly and need to make an effort to make things work.

Good luck for this afternoon/evening.

He has anger management issues and needs to recognise this then do something about it. It's going to take more than a week to change this sort of behaviour so try not to give him the idea that he can come back in a few days.

Make it clear that you need to see a big commitment to change and then see the change yourself before you even begin to think about your future together.

I would reiterate what mummytime has said.

Protocols and efficiency vary from area to area but in my county if the police are called out to a domestic incident a risk assessment is done with the woman and if she is believed to be at risk and there are children living with her then a referral to social services will usually be made. The woman will also be offered support from Women's Aid and if there are going to be any court proceedings she will receive support from a member of the police specifically trained to deal with victims of domestic abuse. Other professionals such as the womans health visitor e.t.c. are usually informed.

BUT. You have nothing to fear from social services Sunrise. You are taking steps to leave your relationship and protect your daughter. You are doing all the right things. I know social services can seem really scary but honestly, they cannot and will not just take peoples children away. There needs to be solid evidence that children are being physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abused or neglected and there is a proper legal process that needs to be gone through. If the police made a referral to them they would be nothing but supportive of your decision to leave and may actually be in a position to provide you with some help.

I hope that provides you with some reassurance. Remember you have done nothing wrong.

When my h attacked me, I went to the gp. She informed the police AND ss. She had no choice.

But it was a good thing, because he knew that it was NOT me, that the system had kicked in and it was THAT serious.

I had locks changed, new smoke alarms and window alarms fitted within a couple of days, all of which sent a VERY powerful message to h, that I was NOT going to accept his behaviour.

My dc's were aware of all this going on, they have seen how this kind of thing MUST be dealt with.

I have a red flag on my address with the police, I have an IDVA who is wonderful, and SS have signed us off, and made it clear in their report that it was because I had not let him come back.
They were happy that I had behaved with the best interests of the children at heart.

It also meant that the children are being kept a special eye on at school, and have extra support if necessary.

I hope that my story helps to alleviate any fears about ss.

Also, if at some point in the future, he gets nasty about custody/contact etc, it is all in black and white, and he cannot say that I am "mad" or whatever nonsense. Everyone, from the doctor, the police, ss, the schools...everyone knows that it is HIM, not me.

BTW, I didn't change the locks etc, it was done by the family safety people. I didn't have to do a thing.

Hope that tonight went well for you OP.

Just though that i would post to give you information. I am a CP SW. When we get a "contact" in via the police etc, an assessment will be done, we don't look to split families up. If it is a low level situation and the parents are to remain living together (through their choice) we would put the family on a Child in Need plan, this would get services involved such as a woman's domestic violence aid group, which as well as teaching how damaging DV is, would direct the woman to confidence, self esteem building courses etc. The man will enter a similar group for perpetrators. This will get your partner an appointment quicker.

The family is usually put on a Child Protection plan when there are a number of callouts (from any source) for DV, the aim is to have the behaviour stop, if it means removing the perpetrator from the property, then so be it, children cannot be allowed to suffer in DA situations.

As Singingprincess says the aim to to get the family to a situation were they are de-planned. Your DD is being emotionally abused while she is witnessing this.

Hi everyone, quick update...
he went to stay at his mums and left with little fuss! i didnt say much though, still dont think he gets how serious it is but will take each day as it comes and think as someone suggested will meet in a public place when he wants to see DD ad to discuss anything else.
thank you for the info about SS, i think the way they are portrayed must be scarier than reality.
for now i cant even think about where or when to start thinking about moving etc. i'm unemployed (handed in my notice so i coud care for baby full time) and in rented property so have no way to pay the rent.
i'm presuming benefits may be able to help but think i might just wait to see what DD's dad is saying with money and stuff.
can't believe its all happened, really dont think i would have done it if it wasnt for everybody posting on here so a million times thank you for opening my eyes and giving me support to do it.
i'm feeling not to bad so far today but itl probably hit me at some point. have cried a bit, feeling that i miss him (i know this must sound ridiculous) but tbh i havent got much time for tears because iv got DD to keep me busy!
thank you all xxxxxxxxx

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all.

I miss my h with all my heart, and a moment later, hate his guts for what he's done to us, and in the next moment, feel as though I love the bones of him. All quite normal.

Because it is such a roller coaster...some RL help is essential, really. Sources of help, include, WA, your GP, HV, the Respect helpline, listed at the top is incredibly helpful, and much quieter that WA. The people at Respect explain all his behaviours brilliantly.

WA have support groups, check out The Freedom Programme.

Reach out. You are one brave woman, and an amazing mum.

Well done OP. Apply for housing benefit straight away - it takes a while to be sorted out, and you don't want DD's dad to be able to hold financial help as a bargaining chip over you. If he says he'll pay the rent but then won't pay, or says he'll only pay if you let him move back in, then you'll be up shit creek. I you get housing benefit in the pipeline then you'll know that's taken care of. Also, it's an incentive not to give in and let him move back in if he puts pressure on you, as you'd then be committing fraud. Apply for income support too. Be aware, though, that any maintenance he pays you should be declared to the benefits office, and that they'll take all but £10 per week of it.

Get a big support network around you now, and don't be afraid to tell your family how badly he treated you - you need their support.

• It's abuse. Plain & simple.
• It doesn't matter if he is "great the rest of the time". Irrelevant.
• For him to act like that at all is wholly unacceptable. For him to do it in front of your young children goes even further into the realms of the unacceptable.
• He cannot stay unless this behaviour ends. Not 'improves'; it ends . There is absolutely no viable reason for you to tolerate it, and if you let it continue you are showing your daughter that this is something to be accepted from a partner.

well done well done!!! you are being very courageous.
yes, apply for everything imaginable and i don't know, can you get some help with conflict management? did WA advise on this?

no one here is saying you can't have some sort of relationship with your dp, just that he needs to do quite a lot of work on himself to ensure he can be safe around you and baby.

and it doesn't sound ridiculous that you miss him, of course you miss him. but right now you can't live together because he can't manage his temper.

you are going through a lot and right now it would be normal to be feeling quite/very emotional.

you could do with practical and emotional support and that doesn't mean that your family and friends have to hate him. they just need to help you with the baby and any practical things/let you know they're there for you.

hate won't help anyone here, you are forever entwined because of your baby so you need to maintain some sort of positive relationship for her sake.

:) thank you, feeling more fragile than brave at the moment though!
conflict management sounds like a good idea, I am meant to be getting counselling for other personal reasons anyway but have seen that respect run a DV course for him and me.
i have spoken to dp a little since he has gone (only by text and a phone call) i mentioned we may need to sort benefits (already waiting on a claim) and he said to wait til weekend to discuss as hel b coming round to get some of his stuff...nt sure what i think about this.
i am doing ok in the day keeping busy and stuff but im so exhausted by the time iv put DD to bed and i still have 101 jobs to do :( . evenings are bad for crying too, i feel so lonely and cant help getting gutted thinking of good times and wishing this was all a horrible dream. i dont know how single mothers do it, its so so hard.

I'm sure you are feeling very fragile, it's a really hard time for you. Being brave means doing what needs to be done no matter how hard and you are definitely brave.

Are you getting any help? You could really do with someone having DD for say a couple of hours each afternoon so you can nap... all this stress and change is v tiring and she is still so little.

Trust me that it is not going to be this hard for ever, really. Facing up to the problem is the hardest bit and you're in it right now.

You have started a process that may pan out in different ways, that is, it may be your dd goes to her dad (with supervision e.g. his mum) for an afternoon or evening.

I wish I lived nearby, I could hold your lovely baby while you sorted out benefit applications and had a nap. You need a sister or a friend or a mum. What about going to stay with someone for a week or two until you are feeling a bit stronger?

You are probably still quite hormonal as it takes a good year for it to all settle down so really a lot to deal with.

Have someone there at the weekend if you can when he comes for his stuff, or have it packed ready for him to take.

my sister is going to come over tomorrow but i don't have any close friends where i live :( and i can't bare to tell my mum yet...
really could do with some help though, you're right. my head is spinning. how can you enjoy all the special moments with DD when you have no one to share it with? or nobody to talk about your day with? sorry for being so miserable, im living in a blur at the moment.

It's understandable that you're not happy - you just need to flip what you've said round - how can you enjoy all the special moments with DD when the person you're sharing them with frightens you? Or the person you talk about your day with goes off on one when you mention the wrong thing?

Can your sister tell your mum for you? Actually tell her what you've been living through?

You're doing really well, be proud of yourself.

you are living in a blur, and it will become manageable with time.

Really though don't you think you could tell your mum? It depends on your relationship with your mum but you don't have to say why you've split, you could just say you are having problems and let her help. She would probably want nothing more than to be there for you.

This is a really hard time. It will not stay this hard. As the shock starts to wear off and you make practical changes, you will find yourself starting to feel more normal.

But I really think you need someone round because you have a lot to cope with and because you can't be this vulnerable when he comes round, you need to be strong.