is this domestic abuse? Really confused here.

[sunrise65]

Hi everybody, I don't know if I am being OTT posting on here but I'm feeling really confused and would value peoples opinions if you have time!

Basically, I've been in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who I have a 10 month old baby to (I know...) When we first started seeing each other everything was great and even when I became pregnant he was really supportive on the whole, apart from one incident where he said he had stopped smoking weed but I found out he'd been lying. Anyway, we moved in together and it's all been good, he is an amazing dad and a great boyfriend at times too. We are struggling quite a bit financially but he works hard trying to make what money he can.

Then about 6 months or so ago he started to have these really angry outbursts. Whenever we have a disagreement he will get so mad and start swearing and shouting. They have been becoming more and more frequent and have resulted in a hole punched in the living room door, him pushing me, threatening to kick me, throwing stuff at me including a mobile phone which cut my finger open, slamming doors etc etc. He does this either infront of our baby girl or while she is close by. Afterwards he is always apologetic and says his behaviour is disgraceful. He has even put himself on the waiting list for anger management. Since new year though we have had 3 angry episodes and after the last time I told him that I would not put up with it anymore and he's on his last chance because I don't want my little girl to grow up with this around her. It's horrible, she goes quiet and just stares at him when he is kicking off. He promised he was going to make an effort but last night he started turning nasty again and so I said I wanted to do DD's bath and bed on my own. He went off in a mood about it but then came into the bedroom when I was getting her settled and said 'give her here', I ignored him and went into her bedroom to get something and he said 'oi tosser where the fuck are you goin' (he has said these type of things quite a lot) . After i had put baby girl to bed I came into the front room and decided to stand up for myself and I said 'how dare you call me a tosser infront of DD' and he flipped and chucked his laptop towards me then started throwing other stuff about, swearing as usual. And I burst into tears and was shaking because he frightens me when he gets like that and he said 'why the fuck are you crying'. I suggested to him to go for a walk to cool down which he said didn't need to do but after getting wound up again he finally did and was calmer once he got back. He said sorry but I didn't have anything more to say to him.

I think I'm at the end of my tether with him. I don't know what to do. I feel scared of him and thats not right is it? I even have horrible dreams where he is attacking me.
But on the other hand when we do get on we really do and have such a laugh and he is a lovely boyfriend again.
I hate the idea of being on my own, it seems so scary and feel like everyone will be like 'look I told you so..' including my mum.
If I told my mum the truth about why we ended then he would be so upset as she suffers from anxiety and depression plus she really likes my boyfriend!

Advice please! I really don't know if I am just being silly and need to make an effort to make things work.

They won't make you do anything you don't want to do. What they will do is advise you and make suggestions but most of all they will listen to you.

Oh sweetheart, this is awful, and you do need to remove yourself and your little girl. She's 10 months now and will be starting to understand what is being said and watching his actions. She will think it's normal for men to call their partners 'tossers' and punch walls in front of them and threaten them. Please, please get some help, Can you talk some more with your sister or mum? Do definitely call WA.

If your partner is serious about anger management, then let him go (while you are living safely apart from him). It doesn't stop him getting help, and it doesn't stop him necessarily seeing his child in the long-term but you do need to make yourself safe and protect your LO from these outbursts.

I think the anger management is a red herring - it's not my fault I am waiting for the help - an excuse for him to carry on with his behaviour.

it's really hard to accept that the good times dont amke up for the bad - but they dont.
and as your dd gets more mobile then one day she will get in the way of his fist or object he throws - it will only take one accident /one incident to cause really serious harm to her or you.

until he hasdone anger management etc and learned to control himself you have to live apart.
no oine wil make you call police but do have it in mind that you can and should call police if you scared of him and his behaviour .

at the least it becomes a record of what is happening.

Three of these violent outbursts since New Year and it's only 23rd January?

Your daughter 'goes quiet and just stares at him' when he kicks off because she's traumatised, struggling to make sense of what she's seeing. Imagine how you would feel if you weren't able to walk/run, had no knowledge of words to express yourself, had no choice but to live with a couple of 25ft giants, and one behaved in the same way as he does? You'd be terrfiied.

If you've been trying the national women's aid 24/7 helpline, which is oversubscribed at the best of times and particularly busy on Monday mornings, search 'womens aid' followed by your county or nearest town/city and contact your local branch who should be more accessible but who will keep office hours.

Didn't want to read and not post, YES he is abusive. He will NOT change, please get out, what if he had chucked something and it had hurt your baby?

You can do it, don't let anyone treat you like this, you and your daughter deserve better.

Abuse such as this has nothing to do with anger, it has been shown. It has to do with him needing to control you.

Anger management therefore, will not make any difference to him.

People like this were badly damaged as children, and live in a state of terror. Can you see how this is ALREADY being passed on?

Because they were often badly traumatised as children, they suppressed feelings, and dissociated, possibly this is what is happening to your dd when she goes quiet and still?

When they detach from their feelings, and boys are unfortunately, encouraged by society to detach from feelings, they become more terrified, and the need to control grows.

Can you see, how there is NOTHING you can do, you cannot reach inside his mind and reconnect him, he may be able to, but it would, if he were even willing, take years and years, and be very painful. It ain't gonna happen.

And in the meantime....your daughter? What about her?

have had a chat with lady at womens aid and she has been saying the same as what you guys have been telling me. when he gets back this evening think i will tell him to stay with his family until further notice . it is definitely for the best.

good for you. yes for the best and why not call your local domestic violence officer to tell the police what you are doing?...they will mark your address for rapid response in case he kicks off tonight when you tell him.

Can anyone be with you tonight ?and DD (or even get someone tolook after DD for you).

Stay safe, make sure even if you think it will be ok for you to tell him.

well done sunrise, it's a hard thing to recognise and even harder to follow through.

Well done. Please continue reaching out to sources of help like you have done today by phoning Women's Aid. There is a lot of help out there.

What will you do if he refuses to stay with his family?

Well done, you are making the right decision. Can you have somebody else hovering in the background whe you tell him? Upstairs maybe or in the kitchen? Is he likely to kick off? You must think of your safety. Good luck

Yes! Well done!

I would agree that you may need some real life support now, I would really agree that a call to the DV/family safety unit is a very, good idea.

Don't be confused - yes this is domestic abuse. I'm really glad you've rung women's aid. Please don't let your DD grow up witnessing you being treated like this. Please don't put up with him treating you like this.

The reason I asked about the weed is that my STBXH whom I was with for eight years had a weed habit. During the course of our marriage, he would fly into rages when withdrawing. When totally off it, he couldnt cope with stress. I think he had been such a heavy weed smoker for so long, it was like he hadnt learned other coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and just cracked. He would then end up back on it, to go back to the life he could handle. When it comes to having had a big habit, I would be very skeptical that he is properly off it.

You have had lots of good advice, I wish you all the best. :)

Brilliant Sunrise well done. It is an incredibly brave thing to do to ask for help, and even braver to make a decision and stick to it.

I would reiterate other peoples call to do everything you can to make sure you're safe when you tell him you would like him to leave. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel they are losing control.

You could arrange to have someone with you. You could call the police to let them know. I would advise also that you have an emergency bag that you can grab just in case he kicks off and you have to get you and your daughter out of the house immediately. Make sure you have id, important paperwork such as birth certs and passports, and a bit of money in it if possible.

Sending you much virtual moral support.

sunrise - you are being naive in thinking you will ask him to leave and he will simply do so (unless of course he has another woman and has been longing for you to chuck him out...)

please please dont politely ask him to leave without support from a real live strong brother/friend to escort him off the premises.....he is either going to get stroppy /angry /agressive and you and baby will be at risk
or beg plead, say he sorry it wont happen again. and confuse you even more...

evening is a really really bad time with baby asleep in bed and you not being able to run if you need to.

talk thru with Womens aid agan as to how to manage this.

think diff scenarios.
you might need support of police dv unit.

because if he wont go quietly then what will you do?
if he gets angry with you what will you do?
if he begs pleads tells you not to be so silly he will never leave you what will you do?
if he threatens to take baby with him what wil you do?

is he likely to go off stay with friend/family at some point in near future anyway?
who owns the property? whose name is on the property?

please dont rush to tell him tonite before thinking thru how he might react and making sure you have support with you.

and be prepared that you may ahve to eb the one to leave with your baby girl, get a bag ready hidden with basics money passport copies of documents

me exP got more and more wound up when he realised i was going to leave...(he refused to leave so i had to)

I agree with the above post; is it possible for you to leave your DD with someone when you tell him, and make sure that either someone is with you, or that someone knows what is going and and will ring you at an agreed time to make sure that he hasn't really lost it and hit you?

hi again, i think he will be due back around five so wont be too late. he mentioned to me this morning that when he gets back we wil discuss what he will do 'this week'. i think by this he means he will prob stay with him mum but i think he thinks then will come back after a week... should i just go with that and not say anything or make it clear that it will be for the foreseeable future?

p.s have told sister of plans but shes at work.

i thought about ringing HIS mum but that might just get messy.

Well done :)

Definitely like the advice to have someone strong there to assist you should things turn nasty tonight, and to have DD somewhere safe away from the house - and also yes, let the police know. Most areas have a non-emergency number you can call so that it is logged that you may be at risk.

I've read on here many a time that the moment a woman in an abusive relationship is MOST at risk is the moment where she decides to leave. Make sure you have support there, to keep you and your DD safe.

Is it worth getting your essential paperwork together (eg your birth certificate and DD's, bank card, passport, CHB details and so on) as well as an overnight bag for you and DD - drop them off with DD with whoever is safe, and then if you need to get out ASAP you can, safe in the knowledge that tomorrow you'll still have access to your money and important documents?

Now I've typed that I see someone beat me to it! Rather than hiding it in the house though, I'd definitely leave it somewhere else so you're not rushing for your bag and trying to get out all at once.

Of course, he might just go quietly, but it's not likely is it?!

i wil try get documents sorted asap, good advice. the thing i worry about with getting police involved is what if they bring social services round because they have concerns about DD..

IF you are getting rid of an abuser then SS aren't worried. If you let an abuser remain there they are far more concerned.

well if he is planning to go stay with his mum anyway then let him go without saying too much - say yes you need the breathing space.

and once he is out of your house then meet in neutral place like a cafe to tell him you dont want him back in the house. .

SS can support you - as was said, if police called for domestic issues they will check that the situation is not immediate danger for the child.
they will ask what is happening eg has he moved out.
they will want to know what you doing to protect dd from violence eg making sure he doesnt come round, having supervised contact with his mum present, you not being in direct contct with him etc.

ss will be concerned about the child.

they cannot do much about and adult choosing to lvie with someone violent but they can take action if they think a child is being exposed and maybe at risk.

they can help you and lmay be able to iaise with police / housing etc etc .

if there is any kind of incident it is very important you do report it otherwise he can jsut say 2nothing happpened" and there is no record.

if you are splitting up and prepared to protect your dd you have nothing to worry about from SS - you can say what help you ened form them to keep you and dd safe.
SS will get involved with you in a negative way only if you stay with someone who is a risk to the child.

I phoned ss myself, to let them know what I was doing and why....they are generally good guys.....if you are getting him out they will be happy.

Make sure someone is with you tonight, please