Mum favouring sister and her children

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I think I've posted on here before about my mum always favouring my sister when we were growing up. I was always blamed for everything, emotionally neglected, left out and generally grew up a bit of a wreck. I've had counselling and am a lot stronger now but my self-esteem was shot to bits, although it is getting better.

Basically, my mum is all over my children when my sister isn't there with her two, but when my sister is there my mum totally ignores my children. It has all come to a bit of a head today, for me, and I feel I have to confront my mum. I've confronted her in the past about several things and she gets all angry and says she'll never speak to me again so if that's the choice she makes when I confront her then so be it. She makes me feel nervous and anxious when I'm around her anyway. Today we went out for a family meal: my parents, my DH and I and our children and my sister, her husband and her children. When we arrived my mum picked up my 2 year old DS to cuddle him, then my sister walked in with her children and my mum immediately put down my 2 year old and then didn't really speak to him, or my 2 older DC for the rest of the time there. She sat next to my niece and was all cuddled up with her, chatting away to her the whole time, then had my nephew on her lap. She went off with my sister when my nephew needed a nappy change, carried my nephew out to the car whilst holding my niece's hand at the same time and could barely say bye to us as she was helping put them into the car.

This has been the final straw for me. she does this all the time. She also chats to my sister and they leave me out. If I try to join in they look at me with an annoyed look and are always snappy with me. At my Ds's first birthday party, my mum spent the whole time looking after my niece and nephew and fussing over them and barely acknowledged my DS. We went on holiday with them all last summer and all she did all holiday was spend time with my niece and nephew and again my children barely got a look in.

I am really not prepared to have my children being totally rejected. I have been rejected all my life but am not having this for my children. My eldest notices it and comments on it. I feel so down about it and know I need to tackle it. Any advice or anyone else been in the same situation?

Have you tried speaking to your mum or sister about the way you feel?

I have tried to speak to my mum about her favouring my sister, years ago, before my sister's DC came along but it didn't help and my mum just got angry. My sister would just shout me down if I tried to talk to her about it.

What about writing a letter? With examples of times when you (and your DCs) have felt left out?

I don't know if I could face doing that, I think I'd prefer to speak face to face. I know she will try to blame me though, and say things like "You've always been jealous of your sister" or "It's always you that causes trouble". She spent many years telling me how horrible I was and I believed her back then.

Oh you poor thing, that's horrible! If you've tried to address this and you've got nowhere, then you're right, if she wants to cut you off then so be it.

I'm getting to the stage where I realise if she makes the decision to cut us all off because I dare tackle her for treating me/us badly then she isn't a caring mother or grandmother and we're better off without her. If she doesn't talk to me, then my dad, sister and other family members probably won't speak to me either.

It sounds to me that no matter what you say/do, your mum/sister won't listen. You are the one facing and acknowledging what's goin on (even if not confronting it). Face the situation, accept it for what it is. Concentrate on your own DCs. And pity your mum for feeling the need to behave like that. I'm sure you are not following in her footsteps.

I really hope I'm not, I try my hardest not to anyway, and my kids so far seem well adjusted and normal. You're very right, no matter what I say they won't listen as they have decided that I'm the black sheep of the family.

Thanks K999 and ChitChat for the replies btw :)

Wouldn't be such a hardship not talking to your sister, would it?

And the other family members, if they're not willing to stand up for you and can't see how awful this behaviour is, then to be honest, you're better off without them too.

You have a new family, one that you can bring up without the issues which you've been forced to deal with.

Yes you're right, ChitChat. If none of them are prepared to stand up for me then stuff them really and more fool them for believing the rubbish my mum has spouted about me over the years. I remember as a child my mum talking in front of me saying how difficult I was and how horrible when in actual fact I was a pretty good child (had to be, fear kept me on my best behaviour). She also used to say things like one day she would die of a heart attack and it would be my fault. I have a feeling she will pull that card again when I confront her...

Then don't confront her. smile, play along......but deep down you have the upper hand because you know how ridiculous the whole situation is. pity her. IME folk pick up on that kind of thing. Conduct yourself perfectly. That will really fuck them up

I think you need to confront your DM before your DC's get to any age when they realise that she favours your DSisters kids.
Your DM does know what she is doing and if she is not prepared to modify her behaviour you would probably be better off without having her in your life. Don't let her make the DC's life miserable as she did yours.

Best thing you can do is regain your power by detaching from them. Stop being the audience to their special cosy performance.

Don't expect them to change, change how you react to them. Don't keep playing this role.

I feel that my head is everywhere this morning and feel really upset. I know that either way, whether I tackle it or cut off contact, there's going to be a lot of hassle given to me and a lot of mud slinging about me by them both.

Could you try giving it, say, half an hour of you all being together, and if your mum does her usual act then stand up and leave with the children at that point, and say 'I'm not prepared to have my children ignored in favour of Sister's children again, do let us know when you'd like to meet up and treat them more equally', thus putting the ball in her court to either act more fairly or cease contact?

Hex, I think it's time to be brave and to stick up for that little girl you once were. You say yourself you don't want your children growing up feeling like you did, it's time to make a change.
My guess is she'll be defensive and may not speak to you for a little while, bu she will think about it and if she's got a shred of decency she will try and make it up to you and your DC.
Deep breath, good luck.

Could you try to avoid situations where you and your sister are there at the same time?

I loathe my sister. If I visit my mum and she turns up I make my excuses and leave. My mother knows it is difficult so she starts behaving like an arse because she can't relax so it is better for everyone

I still think you should say how you feel to your mum. But I think you should just be telling her how you feel and what you are doing about it without asking anything of her.

If you say 'i want you to stop favouring my sister or I won't see you" she will argue and defend herself - "you are causing trouble and being silly and you can't tell me what to do"

Instead say "oh, my sister is going to be here in a minute? I'll head off then. I am getting more and more uncomfortable at the way you ignore my dc and exclude me when she is here. So I will just come back when you are alone. I will catch up with sister next week"

But constantly seeing your mother together you are forced back into your childhood roles which gets to be a harder habit to break.

Hex,

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread as well. Your sister is the golden child whilst you are the scapegoat; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your birth family is certainly dysfunctional. You;re still their scapegoat and emotional punchbag; you need to detach totally from them and not be a part of their game any more. This is about power and control. The responses that you have received from your mother are typical of what such damaged toxic parents say. BTW you have not made her this way, her own birth family were likely abusive to her.

Many adults who were children of such toxic parenting have FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. I am wondering why you still maintain any sort of relationship with either your sister or mother: I would think it is a combination of the above.

Dysfunction like this can also continue down the generations; one generation i.e yourself has been profoundly affected by them and they are now doing the same sort of crap to your children as well.

Talking to these people about how you feel is a wasted effort; they won't listen because like all toxic relations they do not take responsibility for their actions nor apologise for them. Your children need positive role models; not role models like your mother or sister in their lives because it will screw them up emotionally.

If you were able to go no contact with either of these two I think you and your children would become a hell of a lot happier. You would not tolerate this from a friend; family are truly no different in that regard.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

if you don't do anything they will continue to make you feel crap anyway. What's more your children get to feel that special brand of rejection that you grew up with.

Even if she continues to say you were a trouble maker or hard work when you were younger what is her excuse for continuing to punish you now? And why punish your children? They are innocent. Whatever her argument there is nothing that can possibly justify her treatment of your DC now.

Totally agree with Brass and pag. You are in a horrible siuation which reminds you of being ignored and second best, so the best thing is to completely avoid situations which make you feel like that.

There is no need to try and pretend happy families and go out for big family dinners with your mum and your sister. I can also imagine a holiday with them all would ne a nightmare.

I am not at all sure that confrontation is the best idea here. From the sound of it your mother is defensive and would not admit in a month of Sundays that she is wrong. So why upset yourself? Just avoid being with your mum and sister at the same time. Step back a bit and don't get so involved. If you say something it may well be that your mum and sister will get drawn closer together when they start bitching about your being 'sensitive'. Don't give them the opportunity.

How horrible, no wonder you feel upset.

I agree with Attila.

Hard though, to break contact. But it's hard already, isn't it.

Can you think about starting a break, gradually easing her out of your life?

I am really sorry for you by the way, and totally sympathise. It is a horrible position to be in.

If you want her and your family to be part of your children's lives you have to give her a chance to do something about it. Tell her,calmy as you can, you understand your sister is the favoured child and have lived wth that for years but you are not going to stand back and watch your children hurt by being treated like second class citizens. Tell her that your eldest has commented on iher behaviour and that this was the final straw. You don't have to issue any ultimatums. She will probably deny everything and say your over sensitive or jealous. Take it from there. A bit of a cold shoulder from you and she might realise she is about to lose half her grandchildren.
I sympathise with you- my dh has a favoured sister and now she has a child my inlaws are starting all over again with the next generation.

My mother died when I was 20. After a long illness (she first got sick when I was 10). She never saw me get married, never knew my DCs, never even saw me finish uni. I'd give anything for her to be around now, up to and including her 'favouring' my sister's DCs (if she had any).