Mum favouring sister and her children

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I think I've posted on here before about my mum always favouring my sister when we were growing up. I was always blamed for everything, emotionally neglected, left out and generally grew up a bit of a wreck. I've had counselling and am a lot stronger now but my self-esteem was shot to bits, although it is getting better.

Basically, my mum is all over my children when my sister isn't there with her two, but when my sister is there my mum totally ignores my children. It has all come to a bit of a head today, for me, and I feel I have to confront my mum. I've confronted her in the past about several things and she gets all angry and says she'll never speak to me again so if that's the choice she makes when I confront her then so be it. She makes me feel nervous and anxious when I'm around her anyway. Today we went out for a family meal: my parents, my DH and I and our children and my sister, her husband and her children. When we arrived my mum picked up my 2 year old DS to cuddle him, then my sister walked in with her children and my mum immediately put down my 2 year old and then didn't really speak to him, or my 2 older DC for the rest of the time there. She sat next to my niece and was all cuddled up with her, chatting away to her the whole time, then had my nephew on her lap. She went off with my sister when my nephew needed a nappy change, carried my nephew out to the car whilst holding my niece's hand at the same time and could barely say bye to us as she was helping put them into the car.

This has been the final straw for me. she does this all the time. She also chats to my sister and they leave me out. If I try to join in they look at me with an annoyed look and are always snappy with me. At my Ds's first birthday party, my mum spent the whole time looking after my niece and nephew and fussing over them and barely acknowledged my DS. We went on holiday with them all last summer and all she did all holiday was spend time with my niece and nephew and again my children barely got a look in.

I am really not prepared to have my children being totally rejected. I have been rejected all my life but am not having this for my children. My eldest notices it and comments on it. I feel so down about it and know I need to tackle it. Any advice or anyone else been in the same situation?

You poor thing, that sounds horrendous :(

I think pag's idea of leaving whenever your sister turns up and refusing to go to family gatherings is a good one.

I don't know an awful lot about really dysfunctional families but it does seem to me that they both need you to be in that role - without you, there is no one for your sister to be 'better' than. Obviously, if you never actually see your sister, then you might end up getting an ear-bashing about how wonderful she is every time you see your mum.

My eldest is 18 and totally sees what is happening. I was also defined as a pain in the arse and am still referred to in those terms. It isn't easy, you know what you have to do. The only upside, the look of total confusion when you do it, when you do not lay yourself open to the bullshit anymore. it is really one less thing to worry about. it can and will happen and you won't know yourself.

I have been reading this thread, and this is just like not my, but my DH's mother. He is the "black sheep", never really did anything that wrong, just unfortunate enough to look more like his father, who had walked out on MIL when he was a baby, than his brothers! He has never been able to do anything right, didn't have the right career (in the police, not army), married an older woman (me, by 5yrs), even my DC are the wrong sex(boys, she wanted girls as brothers already had boys!). His brothers are aware of how she is, but, to be honest, don't do much to prevent it, and so I was the one who said to him I wanted our family out of this toxic relationship before it was too obvious to our DC. Now I am the evil one who has broken up her "happy family" but tbh, it is far,far better than being involved in her machinations. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but, once you have made that descision be very strong, and stick with it.

So does my eldest 'child' in her thirties. She actually stood up and chipped in and added 'and Great Uncle' and 'her and her brothers names' to my sisters speech at our late brothers funeral in which she only said he was uncle to her children and didnt mention mine and omitted my DGs completely as his great nephews and neices. Dsis also said her eldest was his 'favourite' as his first godchild (my DD was his first actually and my DS his second)- yes that's right in his funeral speech !.

This was one of the key reasons I cut contact with my parents. I knew that as soon as my Sister had children my DS (who they were ashamed of anyway because he is half black,they told me they wouldn't be seen with him in public), would get zero attention. They'd take her children out and about and not tell me. I'd find out by accident. I know this as my parents behaved this way with my Sister and her friend. Left me out in the cold. If I'd have stuck around their behaviour would have destroyed me, as I as a child was neglected emotionally, verbally abused and generally thought of as nothing.

I think you are VERY brave to have tolerated that kind of evil shyte for this long. As for writinga letter you have written to us! At least on your computer if appropriate, write internal stuff down ie - went for lunch, ignored, felt stupid and small etc
Good luck, keep us informed
Join us on the stately homes threadhere in relationships, just makes you feel much less alone x

I am in a similar situation my battery is about to die but id love to come back tomorrow to share with you.

Hex this sounds like hell and i can relate to your situation. I'm currently going through a period of detaching from my mum as i've just had the last straw (long story... pm me if you're interested) with my mum's obsession with my sister........ Its such a horrible feeling and I don't know about you but i just refuse to keep getting hurt by this and so i have to get them out of my life as much as possible.
Its hard for me to describe my story without hearing the critical voices telling me i'm being stupid and selfish so i won't recount it now but i really understand what you're going through.
xx