Mum favouring sister and her children

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I think I've posted on here before about my mum always favouring my sister when we were growing up. I was always blamed for everything, emotionally neglected, left out and generally grew up a bit of a wreck. I've had counselling and am a lot stronger now but my self-esteem was shot to bits, although it is getting better.

Basically, my mum is all over my children when my sister isn't there with her two, but when my sister is there my mum totally ignores my children. It has all come to a bit of a head today, for me, and I feel I have to confront my mum. I've confronted her in the past about several things and she gets all angry and says she'll never speak to me again so if that's the choice she makes when I confront her then so be it. She makes me feel nervous and anxious when I'm around her anyway. Today we went out for a family meal: my parents, my DH and I and our children and my sister, her husband and her children. When we arrived my mum picked up my 2 year old DS to cuddle him, then my sister walked in with her children and my mum immediately put down my 2 year old and then didn't really speak to him, or my 2 older DC for the rest of the time there. She sat next to my niece and was all cuddled up with her, chatting away to her the whole time, then had my nephew on her lap. She went off with my sister when my nephew needed a nappy change, carried my nephew out to the car whilst holding my niece's hand at the same time and could barely say bye to us as she was helping put them into the car.

This has been the final straw for me. she does this all the time. She also chats to my sister and they leave me out. If I try to join in they look at me with an annoyed look and are always snappy with me. At my Ds's first birthday party, my mum spent the whole time looking after my niece and nephew and fussing over them and barely acknowledged my DS. We went on holiday with them all last summer and all she did all holiday was spend time with my niece and nephew and again my children barely got a look in.

I am really not prepared to have my children being totally rejected. I have been rejected all my life but am not having this for my children. My eldest notices it and comments on it. I feel so down about it and know I need to tackle it. Any advice or anyone else been in the same situation?

Your OP really tugged at my heartstrings - very sad in its own right but also because l can relate to it. l too am the 'black sheep'. However l am the only one who cares all year for our now very elderly infirm demanding and totally exhausting parents - strange how the black sheep the only one that came good eh ? ironically l am the one with the least reason to feel like doing anything for them the way they treated me (especially mum) tbh when growing up.
My younger sister however who lives close by - so no valid reason for not doing more - brings our parents a roast dinner every Christmas. She is 'Joan of Arc' for doing this and can do no wrong. l completely fitted out a ground floor apartment for mum and dad and did everything myself to move them out of their house and put all their home comforts back around them. l made it really lovely for them - cleaned absolutely everything that came from their old house (yuk-dad lifelong smoker/mum double incontinent ) and bought them the rest new to replace what had to be thrown.
When l go round there (daily) and clean and cook etc etc l am surrounded by pictures of my neices and nephews absolutely everywhere - you would think my two didnt exist. l lay some down flat a while ago it was so ridiculous and mum noticed straight away and next day back they were back pride of place. In the past frames from my DCs photos etc have been used to frame pics of my neices and nephews and my DCs pics have been found abandoned in a drawer somewhere or whatever.

You know what l dont bother joining in their silly game anymore - l could quite easily keep taking round bigger and bigger pics of my two and enter a 'photo war' and replace some of hers with mine etc - l just cant be arsed anymore.

Just out of interest - not sticking up for her at all am totally on your side - but does your sister live further away or anything - is there any excuse that she doesnt see her DCs as often and easily as yours. Still doesnt excuse the behaviour on holidays etc but just wondered.

Atilla l found your post fascinating btw - never thought of it that way - always thought it was something inferior about me that earned me the 'black sheep' treatment in the family as am sure OP felt the same also.

Thank you everyone; I feel so upset today, I really don't know what I'm going to do yet. Atilla your post in particular has summed up everything for me. Yes, I was/am definitely the family scapegoat. I have many memories of my childhood being smacked or told off for something my sister had done whilst she sat there with a smug smile on her face. And of her always being on my mum's lap whilst I was told to go off and play.

I totally agree with you all that the contact the way it is at the moment just isn't doing me and the DC any good at all, and that something needs to change.

Sorry this reply is short; DS is in a rather destructive mood this morning and isn't keen on mummy nipping on the pc!

Sorry about your mum, thetasigmamum, but no, you wouldn't want her back if she was rejecting you. That's just masochism.

:-(Sudaname, I really identify with your situation. You must be a saint to carry on doing everything you do for your parents when they have that attitude! My sister lives in another village, so no, not very far really, about 5 miles away. She probably sees all the grandchildren equally I think, not totally sure on that one though.

ImperialBlether Yes. I would. But thanks for your contribution.

Ahh thanks Hexagon l always think that l am proving them all wrong though really as for years mum would slag me off as the black sheep and the most troublesome etc (like you l never did anything serious enough to warrant this except argue back occasionally) and she used to always say how wonderful in comparison my sister was. Now everybody can see which daughter has come good in the end so its my way of rising above it with dignity. My dear sis has Banshee type outbursts at every family funeral etc these days - just starts an argument on some minor detail of the seating or whatever and off she goes ranting at me. l dont rise to it l remember a good saying from my Irish uncle - 'It takes two people to make a scene but only one to make a fool of themselves'

thetassigmamum l know where you are coming from but your mum sounded so lovely and for you to say you would give anything to have her back proves that. So l really really doubt that your mum would have behaved like that in any event.

Sudaname I don't think the OP is giving us a fair picture of the situation. She seems eaten up with bitterness about her sister. I know people like this, people who refuse to see reality and only look on the negative side. People eaten up with envy and bitterness. Seriously - if her mum is so very horrible then why hasn't she cut contact years ago, hmmm? I'm really sorry for her poor mum. I'm going to leave this thread now because, to be honest, reading someone who basically has EVERYTHING - her parents and her children, all alive at the same time, a proper family - just moaning about it and being so negative when she should be counting her blessings - makes me very upset.

Sorry meant to say that my sis acts like this now as l think it messes with her head a bit that l am not playing out my 'allocated' character and l look the saint rather than her now. So l guess she tries to antagonise me into an argument to prove a point or something. Mum has some level of dementia now so she couldnt care less which probably also does my sisters head in as she's no back up now.

But that doesn't make sense, thetasigmamum. Just because someone is alive it doesn't mean they're necessarily worth having. Why are you sorry for her mother, when she is rejecting her daughter?

I am really sorry for your loss. It must have been dreadful and yes, of course you want your mum back. Anyone would in your situation.

The OP's relationship with her mum is different to yours. Her mother rejects her and is insulting when the OP tries to talk about it. Your mum wasn't like that and never would be. You were lucky having a mum who loved you so much. The OP feels unloved and that's why she's posting.

There was no need for that, thetasgmamum, no need at all. Proper family my arse. If you had been abused as a child you wouldn't have such a ridiculous simplistic view of it all. Perhaps it is best if you leave this thread. I posted for support, not for someone to totally lay into me like that.

theta, you are being obstructive. If you have no experience of what damaging families like this can do you are simply not helping by calling the OP bitter, envious and negative.

Sudaname yes I can imagine my sister getting a bit confused if I didn't play out my allocated character. When we were on holiday last year she started speaking to me badly and I said to her "there is no no need to be rude, if you can't talk to me nicely I don't want to know" and it really threw her, she didn't know what to say.

Hex, what's it like if just you and your sister meet up? Do you get along? Has she ever acknowledged the fact her mum favours her?

thetasigmamum l will make my own decision as to whether l believe the OPs version of events or not thanks all the same. I agree it is ridiculously simplistic to say we shouldnt ever have a problem with someones behaviour or struggle to get on with someone however unreasonable just because they happen to be a relative.

Mumsnet wouldnt exist for a start

We get along ok if we meet up but she's quick to snap at me and if her children start being badly behaved she takes it out on me and gets very snappy and short with me. No, she's never acknowledged that mum favours her, she won't say a bad word against my mum and in the past when my mum has fallen out with me over trivial things my sister has refused to talk to me too.

My husband is the black sheep of the family, and he's an only child! I'm sorry your mum treats you like this, but I wouldn't have believed how critical parents could be of one child and not of everyone else on the planet til I saw it with my own eyes. And yes, it is spilling down the generations. You should be very calm and very fair yourself, and perhaps seek out situations where you are on your own with the gps to avoid any direct competition. And do draw up minimum standards of behaviour for your parents, as they are clearly more childish than you and need to have quite simple boundaries (e.g. if you are rude to me or allow others to be rude to me, I will remove myself).

If I ever try to tackle anything with my mum, even in a level headed way, she just goes bonkers at me. Once she was adament I was in a bad mood with her, she phoned up screeching down the phone at me and then slammed it down, then told my sister to tell me I had driven her to breaking point with my wicked ways and I would never hear from her again. And another time as a child I disagreed with her on something very minor, can't even remember what now really, and she just tipped a cup of ice cold water over my head and then took my sister on her lap and left me standing there freezing cold and soaked. I think I was around 8 at the time.

I think that unless you have experience of this you cannot understand how on earth a grandparent could be so cruel. I can also see why someone who has lost a loving parent would not 'get' how you could complain about a living parent who is part of your life.

I have experienced this and I am still going through it. I am not sure why I keep going back for more, but I know it is damaging me emotionally.

I was not the black sheep as a child, but the situation has manifested itself as my sister and I have had our children. I find it very difficult to deal with. I have tried to tackle it, but it hasn't got me anywhere.

OP - I learned on here about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a lot of this applies to my mother. One thing it made me realise was that my mother was trying to drive a wedge between me and my sister. I have gone out of my way to maintain a strong relationship with my sister and we both know how she twists and manipulates things for her own ends. She certainly doesn't like the fact that we have our own relationship separate from her - could you and your sister perhaps re-build your relationship?

Good luck and I will watch this thread with interest.

I wasn't so much suggesting that you tackle her head-on, but when you are dealing with childish people who are quite nasty, you have to just set boundaries, such as if they say something nasty, say 'that was quite a nasty thing to say' and put the phone down.

Let's face it, she's threatened to never speak to you again so many times, sadly it's never true. You won't lose them by setting firmer boundaries.

Your parents need retraining in being nice, the only way they will get to see you and your family is by being nice, coming onto your territory, and not playing favourites. It't not worth explaning this to them, they will cry/feel victimized/create more conflict, but you can do this by your actions. I wouldn't go out for cosy family meals, I'd invite them occasionally around to yours, only answer the phone if YOU feel like it and if they rant put it down. You do have to protect yourself and your own family really.

I think some mums like mine for example will struggle to focus equally on their eldest child whenever a younger one comes along. Its almost like in my mums case l was her sweet little baby girl to show off etc etc and then she got a brand new 'doll to play with' and l was a boring seven year old and she just moved me along the conveyor belt and focussed and obsessed completely on my sister. Then l think it just becomes habit. l have noticed it is often the older one that is the 'black sheep' but its just my theory on it really.

the cutting you off threat is ludicrous isn't it?

surely you've given her cause to cut you off plenty of times before and yet here she is still threatening it on a regular basis.

That threat means more to her than it does to you. Think about it.

hex that is my family to a tee. What about your Dad? Mine is long dead and had wished he was there to buffer more of her lunacy. You are never going to get equal footing. If you do bring it up, then you are paranoid. My sister is snappy and horrid when my mum is around and when my sister is around, my mum wouldnt cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire.
Simple but very undigestible facts. make as little time as poss for them. we have and it has helped my mental health enormously and increased my emotional banks for myself and those that really matter around me. Though I did have a go at DH over weekend due to my mothers total lack of empthay/compassionj/motherly feelings. not his fault but I felt poorly and we patched up after.
Fucking horrible. The counselling will not really helpt till you take the power back
lots of love and kisses and understanding.
By the way, it comes and goes in waves

Thank you again everyone :)

Those of you that say the threat means more to her than it does to me, I totally agree. She has probably threatened 20+ times in my life, even at 13 or 14 she threatened to pack my bags and throw me out on the streets. And like one of you said, if she was going to cut me off she would have done it by now.

My dad is around, but seems to live in his own little world, and I know if the crunch came to it he would side with my mum and try to convince me I was in the wrong too. I know most other family members would side with my mum too as she portrayed me as a really horrible, vindictive, nasty, problematick child so I don't think any of them think very highly of me anyway.

I meant to say on the above post too, that I know I just have to take action about it, and I think I'm going to go with the invisible boundaries option as suggested by Hardgoing and one other (sorry, I can't remember who). So I will have as little to do with them as possible and set my boundaries about how I will allow them to behave with me.

I'm happy to say it doesn't look like my DC have got any off the issues I've suffered with so far. DD1 is a teenager and has noticed what my mum is like and isn't keen on going there now, who knows maybe she will confront my mum one day too when my mum rejects her or speaks unkindly to her.