is there 'always' an ow when a husband just leaves. no explanation given and won't discuss it.

[piratecat]

this was my experience some 5+ yrs ago.

I asked and asked him to tell me.

yes we'd been under pressure, new baby etc, work. He'd started to withdraw about 6 months earlier, but I never doubted that underneath we loved one another.

We were so very close, and very good friends.

After being a member of mn all these yrs, it does make me wonder.

oh, 6 weeks later he told me he had met someone new.

A couple of yrs later we had a disagreement about something, and i said, well of course i feel like that, you left me for someone else.

Still he denied it.

wish i knew for sure. as it was the biggest shock of my life :(

IME yes, there's always someone else. Even when denied. My friend's DH left her for "noone else" and because family life was too much. Six weeks later he met someone else, my father is just trying to leave his marriage (after 40 yrs) and there is someone else.

In fact I literally can't think of any man that has left his wife for noone....it's always someone else.

Sadly, I do think it's the case, more often than not, even when it's denied. It's interesting how often a new gf appears very soon after.

It is so cruel of them not to be upfront about their reasons, isn't it.
In all the cases I've personally witnessed, leaving 'for someone else' was not the reason. The reasons were problems with the relationship and the fact it should end, but for some reason many men seem incapable of leaving relationships simply for the reasons they need to leave - until they find someone else and that gives them the impetus to do it. It really does suck and I don't know why so many people are like this.

My H was the same. He didn't leave for an OW and infidelity didn't come into the end of our marriage. I ended it, but if I hadn't he would never have had the guts or initiative to do it. He was utterly miserable (as was I) but I'd stake everything I own that he'd have carried on living like that for 20+ years and would probably only have left if he met someone.

Mine hasn't left for anyone else - but I believe that is highly unusual. Mine has a number of issues - that he is working out in counselling. But they do take on a cowardly streak - some strange sort of chemistry invades them and they just want to run. Pressures of life can do it - I have serious illness and our teenage daughter has been a huge conflict - but there is such a thing (apparently) as the male menopause. Testerone levels drop and so do their genitals - so they may lose attraction to their other halves and in their minds, their feelings have changed. Their jobs may become everything and the family just a nagging voice, a reason they can't go out every weekend.

My OH has realised that this freedom means that he has lost everything and he is trying to pull himself together. But if he prefers to go free-range, there isn't a lot I can do to stop him.

OP, your man has rewritten his past to make himself seem a victim. It's common enough but despicable.

But ElusiveCamel, the OP wasn't unhappy in her marriage - she thought it was a good one.

I do think that we're all agreed that most men will not leave unless there is someone else. They may not have been physically unfaithful but they have got a new woman lined up and ready to take over.

Well, sometimes they leave for another man....

Over Christmas 3 men in my neighbourhood left their wives and families.

One is very odd and simply wanted to live alone and is still being a very good father , just doesn't want to be married anymore,

One has been living in an intolerable situation and has wanted out for years, snapped and finally left on NY's day. (I am a friend of both and really think they should have split years ago/never got together in the first place.

THe third may have an ow, we'll see. I don't really know them.

I know for certain the first 2 are not involved with ow.

I don't agree... I've known men leave to get out where there is no OW. I've also known lots of men with OWs who stay. I think that's the norm, though.

hmm,

it's so interesting, as we don't really get men on here, or hear of men who are utterly fed up, or losing interest and haven't talked about it, then just go. Or at the very least, we don't hear, from them at that stage of 'help i feel like i want to go but not sure'

We do get hear of women on here, who say 'I've had enough, I'm sick of it not changing, I want to go'

I believe, after all my yrs of mn that he must have started to cop out, and become dissatisfied, bored, angry. He wasn't coper in the end. This was in hindsight for me to try and dissect it, becuase i had to have something to grasp, to get my head around it.

I guess some men can talk and do want to carry on and try. Some just go awol mentally. I never would have put my ex dh in that bracket, because we talked and talked. Yet, one day he stopped talking, and looking back this coincided with him joining some classes. There was a mention of a very nice woman he had met, who had a baby and a dp, nothing more. I thought nothing of it. At the time our child was 2, we were new to the area and quite frankly I was pleased he had someone he could chat to!! The person he met after the 6 weeks, was a friend of a friend of his.

I always thought, even a couple of years on he would tell me. Yet thinking about it he has done lots of weird things since I wouldn't attribute to 'my' dh/friend that i knew. Including ignoring his much wanted child, and making her life miserable.

It just freaks me out that you think you know someone. You can live with a problem and not see it. If in fact there was an 'ow'.

I think, in our case he just moved on mentally without me in the picture, then left. Perhaps he saw the grass was greener, to be single, without having to do the boring husband, child, work thing. I only see this now, from, again hindsight, as he is very lazy and has no desire to do anything.

I don't think about him to often in regard to 'us' anymore, it's becuase of the effect it's had on our child. Yet it does make me wonder what else i didn't and will never know.

I think that MN gives a biased view of this, as often the threads are

"My DH has been cheating on me and left" type threads.

IMO, the truth is that men as with women leave for many reasons, saying that the men are all cheats might reduce the pain but its not always true, just playing to the MN stereotype.

mine has apparently left me and there is no other woman (according to him). He moved out in october and has strenuously denied another woman. I haven't seen any evidence of one yet.

he has also refused to tell me the reasons as he said that he shouldn't need to tell me . I think I have a breakthrough and he is going to sit down and tell me tonight his side.

agree though, it's a huge shock, although mine treated me badly for around 6 months before, i still didn't expect it. it's only in retrospect i realised he had stopped loving me. (although he denies that - it's all very confusing.

My BIL left his long-term partner (12 years, two kids) round about Easter time. He has never explained why. But he does now have a new girlfriend and is very cagey about how long they have been together.

Answer to the OP: I'm sure it is sometimes the case that there is an OW (or even just someone who is a prospective OW) - but I doubt there is always an OW.

I to agree Boney. It must be remembered that we are only geting one side of the story.

One of my neighbours is telling all and sundry about her cruel H leaving and getting a lot of sympathy. However, I knew how much abuse he took from her, both verbal and physical.

I don't think my dp left me for anyone else, at least no-one has become evident after 2 years. All these threads on mn about how they always leave for someone else make me feel a bit like I must have been the worst partner in the world, the only known woman whose partner would leave her without the safety net of an ow.

so 'some' men are probably more able to cope with life than others.

as with women, as with anyone in any situation.

that flicker of 'oh this is nice not answering to anyone' that people get can be enough to turn their brains around, and go off on a tangent. Without you knowing or realising thats what is happening.

Beattie, I hope that goes ok. I think at, whatever his reasons, an explanation would be civilised and helpful for you.

In answer to OP, I know of of one separation and subsequent divorce where there certainly appeared, even two years on when divorce could be filed, to be no one else involved with the husband who left. I think he just wanted out. I think it's unusual though.

Agree with boney and spreadingtree- I know of a few examples including one where married for years where no ow involved. It doesn't seem to come up here.

I think one point is that sometimes in these situations it's hard for people to express and communicate what the issue is. Either the leaver can't or won't explain issues as don't know how, cant pinpoint them or dont know how to. The other is that even if they can the other partner finds it hard to take on board or understand what is being said.

I know exactly what you mean Thespreading - we are so terrible that they just want to escape! But it's their issue my love..not ours. I have very slowly learnt to detach from my OH and let him get on with his decision, his counselling. I love him to the moon and back - indeed - but I must stay sane and well for the sake of my daughter. It can - if you let it - tear you up inside. But I am determined to be the stronger and better person. He has been weak for so many reasons.

Men owe it to their wives/partners to give a 'why' though. Love is invested, our bodies and minds are invested. "I am not in love with you anymore' (for example) is such a flaccid reason...it's all too teenage.

Punkatheart

I'm sorry but "I am not in love with you anymore" is a valid reason, I have seen quite a few threads on here that have that in the title or opening paragraph.

The responses are normally well split up, follow your heart etc.

Well mine was totally open about the ow and made me and the family compete with her - a competition we lost! I was told he wasn't going to be made to feel guilty. But then again he'd been so emotionally abusive beforehand that I'd turned into a bit of sobbing jelly and didn't believe I could manage on my own. He also told me he couldn't be on his own - mmm.
Think it may be part of the male makeup that they have to believe they can get another model that makes the ow likely and possibly women, especially ones with DCs have a desire to fix things or to take an adult view of a relationship breakdown and put the DCs first.
And yes MN is a very unrepresentative sample. There must be people here who did the sensible things i.e. relate and a discussion on how to have a good divorce but guess they don't post.

it does leave you feeling like poop yes.

But, i didn't have a huge downer on myself, it knocked all my confidence and i have never met another man. I just felt like he wasn't him anymore, and thinking 'this isn't my dh/friend anymore' or 'the person i know/knew' helped. iyswim.

I wasn't even jealous of the new woman! Al i wanted was a reason, or to feel respected enough to be talked to ffs. After 10 yrs.

thats how mine left, i suddenly had this crazy thought, which i expressed.

the thought was ' don't you love me anymore?' answer 'no'

i think i shook and cried for a week.

Even now, i believe the very same reasons in him, his 'stuff' are still there when i hear 2nd hand of what he's doing or is like now.

it's very sad.

There is a difference between loving someone and this romantic 'cliche' of being in love. You cannot sustain the latter - the intense feelings - over huge swathes of time. That's what I meant by teenage. I blame romantic fiction in part. Love can also take a knocking with life. Love and the bonds that ensue are deeper, especially when there are children involved. So no - I still assert that ' I am not in love with you' is not entirely a valid reason, without more analysis...

I think I may be in a similar position to you punkatheart - Hope it turns out all right for you. I suspect my H has made his mind up and I am now trying to come to terms with this and get on with my life. In fact more than get on with my life, I'm trying to improve and make the best of my life.

I hope we can have a civilised conversation about it.

(I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman though!).