is there 'always' an ow when a husband just leaves. no explanation given and won't discuss it.

[piratecat]

this was my experience some 5+ yrs ago.

I asked and asked him to tell me.

yes we'd been under pressure, new baby etc, work. He'd started to withdraw about 6 months earlier, but I never doubted that underneath we loved one another.

We were so very close, and very good friends.

After being a member of mn all these yrs, it does make me wonder.

oh, 6 weeks later he told me he had met someone new.

A couple of yrs later we had a disagreement about something, and i said, well of course i feel like that, you left me for someone else.

Still he denied it.

wish i knew for sure. as it was the biggest shock of my life :(

me too, just a reason would be fine.

I've now started reading books about this (as can't afford counselling atm) and apparently a needing a reason is a perfectly normal thing to want, and also pretty necessary for the person to move on. I don't see why my fcking H can't just tell me!

The cynic in me says that no rational man would leave a just-about-ok relationship for no relationship, unless he was a depressive loner (sorry for massive generalisation)

The ones with a ounce of integrity might leave having met someone else who has the potential to make them happier than they are in the marriage, but before having an actual affair, emotional or sexual. But that is risky and I'd expect most to test the OW out before putting their marriage on the line.

In all cases, not being honest with the abandoned partner is cruel and cowardly.

castille - agree with your statements. Yes, I think depression/breakdown does come into play. When someone is depressed, things they once loved turn grey and tasteless. That surely can translate to the people in their lives as well.

I think that leaving without explaining is indeed deeply cowardly. I am in limbo but actually I understand why he has not committed to returning yet. He absolutely needs to know why this has happened and sort out his own psychology - not to hurt my daughter and I further along the line.

Hi piratecat, I just wanted to post because reading your post really struck a chord with me. It sounds like your husband left around the time mine did.
My case is a bit different because after a few days he admitted that he had met someone else. But even after all this time I still have moments when I think about the whole thing and wonder how and why it happened - did he ever love me, did he decide he wanted tom leave when I was pregnant or was it later? There are so many questions.
Anyway I guess the point I am trying to make is that we never know what is going on in someone's head... And maybe sometimes it's best not to know the whole truth.
Don't actually know what I am trying to say but 5 years later I am still trying to make sense of it all and haven't done a very good job of moving on.

Well, whether there is another woman or not, one thing is for sure. If they are lying about an OW, then they have learned nothing about themselves in depth to take away from the relationship. And therefore they risk a repeat set of problems with the OW.

A man/person who respects himself and others enough to be truthful is in a much better position to run a relationship next time than one who cannot admit to anything which makes him feel bad (accept responsibility and deal with guilt, communicate).

And so he cannot truly respect himself. And therefore he does the worst thing to his old partner, he denies her the respect and acknowledgement of a truthful explanation, thereby shitting on all that they originally had.

So cowardly.

a lot of men really hate being the baddie, they have already failed (their view) at the relationship, admitting to OW will only make them appear worse to others. They also tend to (again not all men) hate upsetting women and admitting to OW will lead to their partner /ex getting upset or disliking them even more. Many men hate confrontation and won't admit to truth. Yes its cowardly. Not all men leave for OW and some who do were in such an awful relationship you can't really blame them. I know of one who tolerated abuse from his wife for years , eventually she got fed up with him but still wanted him around for her and kids , she declared they should be free to see new people and be seperated under same roof. Her new squeeze didn't work out but he met and fall in love with new woman quickly. His wife then told everyone he'd left her for OW. His friends all cheered him on and sighed relief that he was finally free!
Being lied to is awful though. My ex was complusive liar, after we split up i stopped caring any more to try and work out the truth and let it wash over me. He wasn't doing anything that would harm the children so lies about his personal life were of no concern to me anymore. Detach after seperating, best thing.

oh and yes generally men find being alone harder than women do. However relationship overlaps are common in both sexes .

also some men may find it impossible to apologise or admit to their ex that they treated them badly/should have made more effort etc. However that doesn't necessarily mean they don't personally feel they have failed or don't talk to other people about the mistakes they made. Its just too hard for them to talk honestly to their ex about, and sometimes the ex wasn't that pleasant either so not always easy to talk, especially in very early years after a break up.

notcontent i'd agree not knowing everything is better. My ex and i spilt up with usual story, birth of baby left huge strain on us, he didnt help enough, started staying 'at work' late. I found out he was actually in the bar and not his office, the lies carried on piling up. I lost respect for him , realised we'd married too quickly and things were hopeless and we were better off apart. Soon after we split i suspected he may have started seeing someone from work at the tail end of our relationship (rather than after it ended)- someone he went on to have a long relationship with. He was never going to admit to anything and to be honest by that stage things had got so bad i didn't actually care enough to want to know. To this day i don't know and don't care! I know i didn't care as i'd fallen out of love with him. Its far harder for those who still love and want their partners/ex back.

I know two men who didn't leave for an OW. They both left marriages because their ex was abusive. Both remained single for a few years and have moved on with their lives.

One left after his head wound needed stitches (she threw something at him). It wasn't the first time she'd been violent but it was the first time that he needed hospital treatment. He had never fought back. He left that night because he was scared and felt ashamed. He has been physically scarred for life.

The other man left because he was being verbally abused. His ex screamed and swore at him every single day but she refused to seek help or go for anger management counselling. She then went on to physically attack her mother during an argument. This man decided that he couldn't take the abuse any more, so one day he just didn't go home from work.

I know that many men won't leave until they have an OW lined up but it isn't always the case.

In RL, I've never known a man leave a relationship without there being an OW. I've also rarely seen a thread on Mumsnet and other forums where where that hasn't been the conclusion (and some posters just don't update, never get conclusive proof or are in denial, I suspect)

On the other hand, I've often seen the following scenarios:

Men who lie to everyone around them about there not being an OW, so that even friends and neighbours are fooled - and aren't even the least bit suspicious when a new woman miraculously enters the scene.

Men who lie and are so accomplished at it and discreet, that no-one would have ever known, until someone lets something slip about the timings, sometimes years down the line.

Men who think they've kept the secret, the affair burns out and they manage to get back with their wives who are none the wiser/in denial about why they left.

Most people, regardless of their sex, would try everything to rescue a marriage where children are involved. They fully invest in counselling and will put their partners in the picture about loss of feelings long before they throw in the towel and leave.

When a partner leaves suddenly, quoting that lame excuse of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" - and either refuses to go to counselling or goes through the motions and fails to engage in the therapy, IME there is always an alternative partner in the picture.

No there is not always someone else.

I got home from work one day after being married five years, together 7, I just decided there and then I couldn't do it any more, I wasn't happy, I did not love him, I had tried for a while to live through it, he had no idea, he went to work in the morning thinking everything was okay and come home to me telling him I wanted him to leave that I did not love him.

There was no inkling of anyone else, and it pisses me off on these boards that people always think there has to be someone, there doesnt. You can only take so much before you crack.

No couple should stay together for the sake of the children, I didn't and wouldn't.

Yes but you're a woman Fabby. There are all sorts of issues connected with sexual politics why women are more likely to strike out on their own without there being an OM. Stories about women leaving, just confuses the discussion.

agree with fabbychic i wanted out of our relationship as it was making me incredibly unhappy. Unhappiness that was passing onto child. My parents stayed together and it made my siblings and I lives hell growing up. Lying in bed hearing 2 people going at it hammer and tongs downstairs is not the sort of childhood anyone should have. nor the stony silences, my dad's stonewalling, my mums hysterical verbal abuse. Both equally to blame, result was i left home at 16 to escape them.

also as already pointed out, not everyone posts on MN. The posts in relationships that get the most attention are the ultra dramatic ones. Not all men or all women leave for another person!!

I think wher someone finds a new partner very soon after, they have at least been thinking about that possibility even If. Nothing happened during the relationship

I know of more women that have cheated than men.

I believe (and this is only my opoinion) that some women need to paint their exs as the bad guy.

I left because my Ex-wife was emotionally and physically abusive to me (simething that according to these boards is very rare).

Yet i was painted as the abuser and adulterer.

the fact that on here (MN) if a women says that she is unhappy she can just leave, with blessing, and if a man does the same it is that he must be cheating sayd alot about the boards.

it's not just on here thought Boney (sorry for abbreviation!), when I was describing my situation to my solicitor, she also said that she thought my H was having an affair. In all of her years of experience she said men didn't leave unless they have an OW.

My H thinks that he doesn't have an OW if he hasn't had sex with someone yet - I personally don't agree with that definition. I wouldn't be surprised if someone has taken his fancy, but because he hasn't shagged her yet, he thinks it's alright.

BeattieBow
"In all of her years of experience she said men didn't leave unless they have an OW."

I wonder what a solicitor would have to gain from "suggesting" that? :o

well, as I haven't instructed her, not much from me.

sadly, on MN at least, it seems to be a regular occurrence that the H leaves home (because he has fallen out of love/is having a breakdown/needs some space/is depressed etc etc) and then the poor OP comes back a fews days/weeks later to say that everyone was right, there was, in fact an OW.

Perhaps I'll be different? who knows.

If it's sudden, and unexpected, it's quite likely that their is someone else. Where there has been ongoing problems, attempts being made to work it out but both sides are unhappy, argueing, etc, then there wouldn't necessarily be another woman.

Friends of mine split up, no one else for either of them, very acrimonious, all the way through to divorce and separation of assets. Several years down the line they reconciled and remarried - their daughter was their bridesmaid. They know the worst and the best of each other and still love each other, which is pretty extraordinary.

We rarely know the worst of our partners.

Absolutely nothing Boney. Most divorce solicitors advise against using adultery as one of the factors causing the irretrievable breakdown, but it's helpful to be sighted about an OW because of a range of factors, including the possibility of pregnancy and a further claim on the client's financial settlement.

Just as stories of women leaving are distractions, so too IMO are examples of men quite rightly leaving after physical and emotional abuse.

The OP is talking about men walking out on marriages that have been non-abusive - and to the appearance of one of the parties at least, content apart from the normal strains of modern life.

agreed--'we rarely know the worst of our partners'

notcontent, i feel for you. there is no other thing than to carry on and try to live our life, look after our children and hope that the world will make sense.

It's very hard, and there are times when i wonder how the hell i survived, or how did i 'do' that year.

I feel for anyone who has been dumped after a longterm relationship.

"the fact that on here (MN) if a women says that she is unhappy she can just leave, with blessing, and if a man does the same it is that he must be cheating sayd alot about the boards."

I think it says a lot about what men and women are conditioned to expect from marriage and the oft repeated surveys that show married men to be the happiest in society, closely followed by single women, then single men and at the bottom of the pile.......married women.