To text or not to text... that is the question!

[ginnyjeans]

Have been chatting with a guy I met through POF since Christmas. It's been pretty full on, we've flirted outrageously and we've been texting LOADS. Some days I won't send a text and you can guarantee a day later he's in touch saying 'your quiet'. We arranged a date and it didn't come off and last night he said 'you should have invited me over' so I called his bluff and said 'ok, come now!'. He lives 30/40 mins away. Anyway, long story short, he came to mine with a bottle of wine at 10.50 last night! He had to be at work the next day at 7am. Lovely bloke, we really got on, had such a laugh and at 1.30 he left without so much as a peck on the cheek and I thought ok, he's not interested.

THEN I got into bed, got a text saying 'thanks for a great night x'. So I sent one back and said 'Very fun, completely mad! Double bluffing all the way' and he asked if I had wanted something to happen. So I said I might have. He ended up coming back about fifteen minutes later and we kissed passionately for ages, didn't have sex but it was pretty HOT. Actually - totally HOT! He left at about three.

Nothing today. Normally I'd probably text him but now I'm being all pathetic and not. Should I just send him a friendly text or do you think I should wait for him?

I'm so useless at this dating game!!!

I think it's easy to read so much into dating, especially at the beginning. You'll analyse if he shoudl have text yet and assume, after a few hours, that he's not interested. It can make you a little unhinged. But yes, another here who was a little shocked you are happy to give out your address, and not only that but you shared a bottle of wine and he drove home less than 2 hours later?? I know a lot of my friends thought I was over cautious when I started internet dating, but now he knows your address you'd better hope it doesn;t go sour or get weird. Internet dating can be great, I got lucky and the first person I met is now my dp, but you really must be sensible, first with your own safety and boundaries (I wouldn;t have a stranger turn up at my house at that time of night, and then to be surprised he leaves, I mean what did you expect??) but also with how you deal with communication afterwards. It's all too easy to get obsessed and wait for the next contact. Take a step back.

Just to be clear, I wasn't expecting him to stay the night! I'm not saying I've never had a one night stand but I wasn't after sex. I just thought some nice kissing. So when he left and he hadn't even given me a peck on the cheek - I thought 'aw'. So him coming back and the passionate kissing was kind of exciting!

He didn't invite himself over. We were texting and he joked I should have invited him over. And as a joke I said 'ok'. Then he said he had to be at work at 7am the next morning and couldn't so I joked he was a chicken and we started to bluff each other then I guess we both decided why not! It was all a bit impromptu. I did joke and say 'I hope you aren't a serial killer!' (don't jump down my throat at that one!!). Anyway, sometimes these things work and sometimes they don't. But the excitement keeps us alive right!! :-)

Anticipation and excitement certainly enliven our lives, but the danger is that we can become adrenaline junkies getting off more on the 'buzz' than the actuality.

As for excitement keeping us alive, wasn't it Evelyn Waugh who said that the Abdication crisis temporarily reduced the mortality rate in his local old people's home because those who were imminently expected to shake off their mortal coils had stubbornly refused to do so as they wanted stick around to see the outcome?

I'm wondering if the forthcoming Olympic Games will have the opposite effect. As a London council tax payer I feel like cutting my throat when I think about what I've already contributed to the cost of inflating egos the event - and what I'm going to be required to contribute forever the next 5 years.

update?

Not heard a thing. I have him on my facebook too and seen him online. Ok, I'll admit, felt a bit like major rejection at first - but good job I'm a confident enough person. My thoughts - not man enough to just say 'actually maybe I'm not interested afterall' and a guy who can't let you know and would come back for passion (not sex!) and then ignore you completely afterwards, I'm not so keen on anyway. Maybe I'm premature in my thinking and maybe he will be in touch, but he was so full on before that I'm sure it's a definite 'I'm not interested'. I won't contact him again and hey - there's plenty more out there. His loss not mine?

How weird. Don't take it personally ginny. x

Gutted for you ginny.
What an arse, to not acknowledge at all!
As you say not man enough or polite enough to find a decent way to back out.... At least you found out early and hadn't invested TOO much time on him.

How rude of him!

shame ginny. sorry it didn't work. unfriend him and chalk it down to an enjoyable evening, but no more.

Couldn't he be having the same thoughts as you? Text or not?

NO he would text or initiate contact if he wanted to. Men tend to try for what they want. Ginny, I would delete him off your facebook and move on. I hope the next guy you meet will be better for you. You need to be tough with this internet dating lark, and don't give second chances.

For the love of god, do not text this man.

If you are just looking for total no strings sex then fair enough, but if ON ANY LEVEL you are entertaining thoughts of a possible relationship then back the heck off.

My best friend had about ten years of supposedly 'liberating, fun, spontaneous' shenanigans with men who basically used her. Eventually she met a guy she wasn't initially that keen on, and was much cooler with him. You've guessed the punchline, they're married with DC now.

No man on earth wants an actual relationship with a 'fun, spontaneous' woman, no matter how much he claims to admire these qualities. He'll often enjoy sex with that type though.

Protect yourself.

Oh sorry, just read your latest. Delete, forget, move on. Sorry it wasn't for you x

Morris/Zapp, that's quite depressing really. It's called the Madonna/Whore complex and would indicate that men commit to women that are not sexually attracted to them. Also that women can only get men they don't initially fancy. No wonder lots of women don't want to sleep with their husbands after a while.

As a general rule though, if a man and a woman have both stated an interest in each other then trust me, he is not in a dilemma about whether to make contact, especially if he's already made contact before.

So: lots of keen texting followed by kissing followed by silence NEVER means he is shy, intimidated by you, frightened of ruining a friendship or suffering from frozen texting finger. Ever.

My rules are hard but they save sooo much time wasting!

As for men who 'wish a woman would make the first move', they are v rare. I'll allow one very subtle first move if he really is truly shy/ slow on the uptake, but after that back the heck off then back off some more.

Oh no, trust me, I'm a hairy feminist and I don't want anybody to get with a man they don't fancy sexually. No way.

But you can fancy the arse off him all you like whilst holding back in the very early stages. Once you're in a relationship, anything goes. Until then, play by the 1950s rules or get used is my experience and that of my friends many many times over.

I hate that dating is like this. But dating is like this.

MorrisZapp, I'm in total agreement with you there. I've seen it on mumsnet time and time again. Text him, he might be shy, doesn't think you are interested, scared of rejection, intimidated by you. Ask him out it's 2012 and such bollox.

But it's depressing to think that the men that really want you aren't the ones you want so see you as a challenge, bar holding back from a man you fancy iyswim. I can relate to that experience too but I have had men fall at my feet who I have slept with fairly quickly. Say by 3rd date.

I hate that dating is like this. But dating is like this

Agree.

Dating is hard work, total mental minefield.

Especially now we have so many ways of communication.

It's worth following Lubey's flow chart about whether to text and also following the old fashioned rules. If it's internet dating, give little away and always meet in a public place the first and even second time. No shagging intimate clinches until 3rd date at least!

It sounds to me like he didn't click when he came over that night and he decided he wasn't going to see you again, but thought he'd try and get a shag out of it anyway.

Arse.

This bloke's clearly a loser, don't!!

But hang on, you haven't texted him either, have you? Perhaps he thinks that you've lost interest? Unless I've missed something