Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Advice for friend - 'D'H cheated :(

69 replies

wheresmywaist · 21/01/2012 21:06

I don't post much but thought you might be able to offer some advice to my friend who's having a nightmare right now :(
She has been married 12 years and has 4 boys aged 2,5,8 & 10, her husband had an affair a couple of years ago but they got through it, then last year he became friendly with a woman at work, my friend recognised the warning signs from the previous affair but both maintained it was platonic. He left her 7 months ago and a couple of months ago the 'friend' left her husband, not surprisingly they are now together as a couple.

My friend is obviously devastated and struggling with this, she has done a few things out of desperation - faked a pregnancy, taken an overdose and is drinking heavily. Her husband (through guilt, I suspect) has left his wages going into her bank account but has now said his savings have run out and he can't afford to pay this so is going to the CSA. We looked online at the calculator and it is ridiculous the amount she will now receive!! She will go from £600 per week wages to £150 p/w from the CSA?!? While he lives it up with his new girlfriend and her kids! Surely that can't be right!

She hates his new girlfriend, obviously, and is now not letting him take the kids insisting that he see them in their own home for an hour. His girlfriend won't allow this as my friend rang her (remember, she was desperate to get him back) and told her they had slept together during one of the visits. He is now going to a solicitor to gain access properly - can my friend insist that the OW is not present when he has access?

I am really worried about her, I have tried to be supportive but she is so angry at the situation it is really difficult. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:09

Well sorry but she had it easy when she had his wages, she will have to claim benefits and become self sufficient, she cant expect his wages and he is right to go through the CSA she has already had it easy with money. She should have saved some rather than spent it.

If you fear for your friends children you need to contact social services so she can get support, cos no matter what children come first and take priority.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:09

She is out of order re the kids, he can get 50/50 care.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:10

No your friend cannot insist that she needs to get over the anger I know it is hard but she is making a rod for her own back the children will eventually turn against her if she stops them seeing their dad.

Its horrible what she has been through but she hs to be strong and do things properly.

BasilRathbone · 21/01/2012 21:15

Your poor friend.

CSA - sorry, she's only entitled to crumbs from the table, not to participate in the meal. It sounds about right.

Contact - she has no right to stipulate who the DC's see on contact visits, unless the people her xh wants to take them to see, can be demonstrated to be harmful to them (they are drug-takers/ alcoholics/ have a history of violence etc.). In a situation like an affair, I'm afraid that mothers are simply legally obliged to eat shit. That's the way it is and the sooner she recognises it and realises that there's nothing she can do about it, the better for her own mental health.

Sorry. She is raging now, she's still at that stage, but she needs to recognise the reality of her situation. She can't do anything about her disloyal ex or his new woman, she can only control her own response to them.

And her response as you prob know, is extremely self-destructive. Getting drunk and trying to put conditions on contact, is not going to help her. Thinking about what a bloody awful man her ex is and how well rid of him she is, is a better course of action, but of course she's prob not at that stage yet. It must be very difficult for you to try and support her as best you can, hope you're doing OK with it.

Sparks1 · 21/01/2012 21:17

She's entitled to 25% of his salary. No more, no less. And i fail to see how him living off the remaining 75% is "living it up"?!

And her stance on contact is disgraceful and may well backfire on her in the future.

However hard it is she needs to see past her own personal anger and do what is right for the children. And that's contact with both parents.

Hattytown · 21/01/2012 21:20

I'm quite sure she 'didn't have it easy' having 4 children and a chronically unfaithful partner and presumably he could only work because she was at home looking after his children....

50-50 residence is only agreed by a court (if it gets that far) if it's in the best interests of the children, so it is also inaccurate to say he can 'get' that.

What would undoubtedly be best for the children (and her) would be for their father to see them outside of their family home, on his own. She can request that they don't see the OW yet, but she cannot demand it. Equally, the OW should not be placing any kind of restrictions on where he sees his children and with good reason, she cannot trust him any more than your friend could.

The best practical advice is that she sees a solicitor and doesn't rely on online calculators for advice. She will be allowed a free half hour in many good practices.

Emotionally, it would be sensible for her to restrict dealings with her ex to childcare arrangements only and to have some counselling for her understandable anger and loss. It sounds like she needs to feel anger towards her husband more. It's understandable she's angry with the OW, but this needs to be in proportion to the person who has hurt her and the DCs not one, but twice.

Original poster

wheresmywaist · 21/01/2012 21:33

Thank you all so much for the advice, I agree with you all to be honest and have tried to make her see that she needs to let her ex see the boys - I know it will be hard but I've seen how upset the children are and have suggested we do something together, go for coffee/cinema to keep her mind off it.

I still worry about the money though, she's been used to a good lifestyle while he builds his career and she looks after the kids, she is seeing a solicitor next week but can they make him pay more than the CSA?

She does see a counsellor still from the last affair but it's obviously not doing much good :(

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:36

They will only make him pay wht he is entitled to pay, she will have to adjust her lifestyle accodingly, get a job or claim benefits.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:37

A solicitor no cannot make him pay more.

Sparks1 · 21/01/2012 21:41

The courts are legally required to defer to the CSA so the 25% of salary figure will not change for CM.

Any additional money would have to come from the divorce and that's a completely separate issue and unlikely to be resolved quickly.

BasilRathbone · 21/01/2012 21:43

FabbyChic is right, when a man leaves you for a younger or even just a different model, you are fucked if you haven't built up your own career. Which is why women with bad husbands shouldn't be SAHMs. Unfortunately, they don't know until it's too late, which ones are the bad'uns.

You sound like a very good friend. I would emphasise the fact that if she sends her DC's to the OW, it will fuck up the cosy love-nest feel of their set up and at the same time, give her some much needed leisure time. You need to sell her the benefits, because she has to do it anyway so she may as well have a few reasons why it's actually a Good Thing for her, not a bad one. When the anger is past, in a couple of years she may well be grateful for the free time that his contact visits provide.

Original poster

wheresmywaist · 21/01/2012 21:44

Thanks Fabby - what a mess hey? I've just spoken to her and she reckons he must have more money, will the CSA look into any savings he has stashed away? He really is a complete shit, the sooner she's rid of him the better!

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/01/2012 21:49

Your friend needs to see a solicitor to get the divorce going. That's when savings, pensions etc can be divided, the house sorted out and so on. CSA are just interested in his income.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:50

The CSA wont touch his savings, that will be dealt with during divorce proceedings, she could be entitled to half of his savings.

BasilRathbone · 21/01/2012 21:50

No, the CSA won't look at any of that wheresmywaist. That will all be dealt with by the divorce settlement.

She should see a solicitor ASAP (if she hasn't already) to ensure that he doesn't stash away any savings.

She does need to face the fact, that she cannot rely on his income anymore. He's not obliged to support her or her children at the rate he did when he lived with them. It sounds like that's a really hard thing for her to face, but she will have to face it ASAP. Also, she needs to remember that until the divorce settlement, he will probably pay whatever the CSA tells him to, but afterwards, once he's proved to the court that he's a responsible father, he may stop paying any time he wants and there's bugger all she can do about it - most non resident parents pay no maintenance whatsoever.

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but there is a horrible load of reality she is going to have to face and she's better off facing it sober than drunk.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2012 21:51

Your friend sounds like a money grabber who is only interested in money not her children or anything else.

Sparks1 · 21/01/2012 21:53

Savings etc are only taken into consideration by the CSA if they are above a certain (relatively high) level.

Without meaning to dampen spirits further she can also expect a torrid time with them. They're fucking useless.

Sparks1 · 21/01/2012 21:57

"most non resident parents pay no maintenance whatsoever. "

I have never in all my life seen such an inaccurate and disgusting comment.

I can only imagine you have taken your own experience and transplanted it on everyone else within the UK.

Breathtaking...

Original poster

wheresmywaist · 21/01/2012 22:00

Thanks Sparks & Basil, he's told her today he is seeing a solicitor to get contact with the kids outside of the house, does anyone know how long this would take - she needs to get her head around the kids seeing the OW incase it is imminent. I can see the divorce being really messy & v expensive!!! She is under the impression he will pay for it as he is with OW now (adultery) - she has managed to save a bit but I would imagine she could get legal aid if need be, sorry, should probably be googling all this instead of picking your brains - kind of thinking out loud tbh

OP posts:

BasilRathbone · 21/01/2012 22:02

Ignore FabbyChic, wheresmywaist, she's not here to help.

Your friend doesn't sound like a money grabber, only someone with a very unpleasant agenda would say something so unhelpful and useless, she sounds like someone who is in shock because she's just discovered that her marriage contract isn't worth as much as her visa contract.

When people are in shock like this, they seize on obvious stuff like money and contact. Doesn't mean they're money grabbers or evil, just people reeling from shock and betrayal and trying to fight back by the only means they know. They can be very unreasonable and it can be very difficult for their friends to support them. So well done you for doing it, and ignore people who are here to grind some peculiar axe of their own, not to support you.

Teeb · 21/01/2012 22:02

She should know now that there is a 'no blame' policy with divorce in this country, so he won't be made to pay her costs where the divorce is concerned.

BasilRathbone · 21/01/2012 22:04

How dare you say that's an inaccurate comment sparks.

3/5 of lone parents with residency get no maintenance whatsoever.

Only 5% of them are widows or widowers.

That means 55% of them have ex partners who are alive out there.

That is the majority.

Sparks1 · 21/01/2012 22:09

I dare because your claim is complete tosh!

Where the hell have you got those figures from?!

BasilRathbone · 21/01/2012 22:11

From Gingerbread.

They are accepted by the Home Office.

If you know something the Home Office don't, do tell

It's not my comment that's disgusting, it's the fact that the majority of NRP's don't pay a penny towards the upkeep of their children.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 21/01/2012 22:15

"Your friend sounds like a money grabber who is only interested in money not her children or anything else."

What a ridiculously stupid comment. She is probably worried sick about bills and her financial future. I know I am. I HAD a career, good money, pension etc. I don't now. That worry and the anger clouds everything. It does take time to get a clear head, but she will need to do so. The advice above about access and contact (paric with OW) is true and yes it hurts big time.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread