Advice for friend - 'D'H cheated :(

[wheresmywaist]

I don't post much but thought you might be able to offer some advice to my friend who's having a nightmare right now :(
She has been married 12 years and has 4 boys aged 2,5,8 & 10, her husband had an affair a couple of years ago but they got through it, then last year he became friendly with a woman at work, my friend recognised the warning signs from the previous affair but both maintained it was platonic. He left her 7 months ago and a couple of months ago the 'friend' left her husband, not surprisingly they are now together as a couple.

My friend is obviously devastated and struggling with this, she has done a few things out of desperation - faked a pregnancy, taken an overdose and is drinking heavily. Her husband (through guilt, I suspect) has left his wages going into her bank account but has now said his savings have run out and he can't afford to pay this so is going to the CSA. We looked online at the calculator and it is ridiculous the amount she will now receive!! She will go from £600 per week wages to £150 p/w from the CSA?!? While he lives it up with his new girlfriend and her kids! Surely that can't be right!

She hates his new girlfriend, obviously, and is now not letting him take the kids insisting that he see them in their own home for an hour. His girlfriend won't allow this as my friend rang her (remember, she was desperate to get him back) and told her they had slept together during one of the visits. He is now going to a solicitor to gain access properly - can my friend insist that the OW is not present when he has access?

I am really worried about her, I have tried to be supportive but she is so angry at the situation it is really difficult. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

As others have said, her XH can take the children to see whomever he chooses while they are with him.
What is your friend hoping to achieve by denying the children the opportunity to spend time with their father in his home? Serious question. Perhaps if she thought of it as her children missing out, she may find it a little easier to let them go??

So while your friend is faking pregnancy taking over doses and getting pissed who is looking after her children?
No matter how much she is hurting this is unforgivable behaviour I think the children would be better off with their dad at this rate

Yeah, because a man who walks out on his family and wants to immediately bring a new woman into his children's lives is definitely putting them first.

This father and the bitch he has shacked up with have thrown these children's lives into complete turmoil through their selfishness.

They have no leg to stand on when it comes to judging their mother, who has had this whole nightmare inflicted on her and her children.

AThingInYourLife It must be really hard and heartbreaking for OP's friend, and I understand that she is really struggling with it, as anyone would be, but tbh, I can kind of see that people will raise an eyebrow or two at OP's friend's way of dealing with it so far.

I have been on the receiving end of awful treatment as have many of my friends. I have been so low at times that I have been unable to see how I am going to put one foot in front of the other to carry on, let alone ever be happy again, and I still remember how awful it felt to be so low, yet I still find it difficult to understand how a woman with children could fake a pregnancy or take an overdose as a coping mechanism, and completely aside from the XH and the way he has behaved, which without doubt, is appalling, I am concerned for the OP's friend's children.

If OP's friend is so consumed by her pain and grief that she is faking pregnancy and taking an overdose, then she needs more help than an online forum or a friend can offer imo. She clearly needs professional help.

I understand from the OP that it is since her friend's XH has moved in this woman that the OP's friend has behaved this way, because she is so bloody devastated, so they had been seperated for 5 months before he moved this woman in, he moves this woman in, and OP's friend, in the last 2 months has faked a pregnancy, taken an overdose and started drinking, as well as refusing to let the children go to their father's, I assume because the OW is there, and is insisting he sees them in the family home for an hour.

It is understandable that posters are going to be concerned for the children when their mother is taking an overdose surely??
Where were the children when the mother was overdosing?

I'm sorry if this isn't a popular opinion, but I would be extremely concerned about a woman taking an overdose full stop, but to do it when her children are possibly in the house will be seen by many as irresponsible, regardless of her pain. I can't help shuddering at the thought that the overdose may have killed her (especially if topped up with alcohol) and those poor children finding their mother passed away.

I understand you have sympathy AThingInYourLife as do we all, but I'm quite certain that if the children were present (and I can't see where it says they weren't) that people are going to be extremely worried about this woman and her children. This woman needs professional help and I hope she gets it, for her sake and her childrens.

I think the advice about encouraging her to see that if he does have the children overnight and in his home, it will actually put pressure on the romantic bubble he has with the OW, is good. Hopefully she'll see the sense in it.

She has to start adjusting and start acting in the dc's best interests, rather than striking out in these destructive ways.

Hi everyone, thanks again for the advice/opinions - it does help. I've been over to my friends today and she texted exh to let him know he could see the kids today in her house or he could take them out to tea with her present. He won't budge on it at all, he says she is being unreasonable and she will hear from his solicitor. I do worry about the relationship between him and the kids if this drags on much longer and told her this - she said it serves him right. :(

How long will it take him to get the court to give him access? My friend thinks it will take ages and he will give in to her demands before then because he misses them. I really don't know why she wants to spend any time with the shit tbh!!

Where

It might be worth approaching this from a different angle and letting her know that in the long run this will all backfire on her and the only damage being done is to her own children.

My personal opinion is that she is a horribly selfish woman who has scant regard for what's best for her children.

If she's hell bent on digging her heels in then yes,the court system will take a huge amount of time. But then that's clearly her plan.

wheresmywaist This is not going to bode very well for your friend. What is she going to say to the judge, or her solicitor when she is asked why she has refused contact for the time it has taken for the matter to come to court?

I can imagine why she wants to spend time with him when he takes the DC for tea. Probably to make sure the OW is having nothing to do with the children.

What do her DC want to do? Do they get to speak to their father? Do they want to see him? How does your friend explain why they don't see their father? Surely they must ask??

So this man is refusing to see his children at all rather than just go to her house?

Neither of them is putting the children first.

Why can't he go along with her unreasonable demands until his court date?

I just do not get that.

They are both behaving appallingly, and both using the children to get at each other.

I guess that's what happens when you conduct yourself with no honour and smash your family to smithereens so you can be with your lover.

You emotionally batter your spouse and fuck up your children.

Way to go cheating shitbag.

There are better ways to leave a relationship. Anyone who does this to a family with children is a poor specimen of a parent.

Why should he bow to her ridiculous demands?

And it's hardly going to be a good atmosphere conducive to quality time with his children if he does is it? If anything it will harm the children.

The reason for him leaving the relationship is of no relevance whatsoever when it comes to contact. He's just as entitled to time with his children as she is.

And more importantly the children are entitled to time with both parents.

He should bow to her ridiculous demands because then he would see his children and they would see him.

The alternative is that he might not see them for ages. That's surely more damaging than seeing them with his ex-wife present?

OP, Did the XH sleep with your friend on one of the visits? Or did your friend say this purely out of spite?

She must have seemed pretty bonkers pretending to be pregnant if they didn't even have sex.

I take your point but it's a potentially toxic atmosphere for the kids to be in and also sends the message that she can dictate the terms of contact.

It's her behaviour that needs to change and it's her that is potentially damaging the children.

She still maintains they slept together but I'm not sure tbh - 4 kids in the house at the time and he really does seem happy with OW, I guess no one but them know the truth. Anyway, tonight he has backed down as he is desperate to see the boys and went for tea with all of them he did say it is just until he sorts things out properly through the solicitor but for now I guess the kids are happy, they were desperate to see him!!

She will have a hard time explaining to the court why she is being so unreasonable over access. It will not help her. Her anger is leading her to make some poor decisions.

Poor children!!

At least they got to see their father this evening. It must be difficult for the children if their mother is as devastated as she sounds like she is. I imagine it's not much fun for the children.

Still, it probably wont take too long to get to court, and then access can be drawn up...although there's nothing to say your friend will stick to it, or that it will make any difference at all.

It's the children I feel sorry for.

The reason she will only let him see the kids if she is there is so she can try and get him back, and also to stir trouble in his new relationship with his new partner.

Now I know he is in the wrong for having an affair and clearly he was not happy with his wife to do it not once but twice, the relationship with his wife is clearly over and however hard it is for her she need to be an adult and start to move on, she is damaging here children.

OP why don't you suggest to your friend that she goes to her GP, tells him/ her how much stress she's under, and asks to be referred to counselling? This is the one time in her life, where she won't have to fight for it - the GP will recognise that this is one time that people are under stress, when they're going trhough a relationship break up, and won't argue with her need for counselling.

I think she needs to rant and rave to someone professional who will listen to her, not judge her, but ask her pointed and aposite questions to try and get her to come to conclusions that are in her and her children's best interests.