Dh on Dating and sex chat sites.

[Llamedos]

We've been together 18 years, married 9. I have to confront but I feel sick :(.

I am really sorry

Another stupid married man, prepared to throw his comfortable and happy life away for a cheap thrill

All my best wishes, love x

That's awful.

Save everything you've seen and copy it to a secure location.

Bear in mind that when you confront, you're likely to get one or more of the following excuses:

1. It wasn't me. Someone's hacked into my computer.
2. My mate was playing a joke on me.
3. I was doing it for a mate, but he didn't want to use his own details.
4. Me and my mates all did this for 'a laugh'.
5. I was just curious.
6. I've never met anyone in real-life.
7. Despite it looking like I've set up a date, I never would have gone through with it.
8. I don't have a porn habit that led to me looking for women in real-life.

None of which will be true.

The only reason men join these sites is to find alternative sexual partners.

Confront and then have a STI test. Don't sweep it under the carpet, either by turning a blind eye or believing lies - and don't take risks with your health.

Brilliant advice, Hatty

Thank you both. I'm numb, why would he do this?!

I just know he'll say he was 'curious' or the only reason there is a history is because of an ad in a pop up. There is a history of porn use despite him knowing I hate it.

I don't even know to to begin the discussion. I'm not angry yet, I wish I was.

He did this because he could and because he needs a bigger 'hit' now than the porn can provide.

That is it, in a nutshell. Nothing to do with you, nothing to do with your relationship. It's all about him.

Don't be fobbed off. If he tries, just say you don't believe him and that he's insulting your intelligence because 'pop-ups' don't produce the evidence you've found.

Yes, he was curious, but he was looking to sate that curiosity. Believe nothing else, for your own sake.

Bottom line:

Don't blame yourself, and don't let him blame you

And fgs, don't read the "advice" currently put forward from MNHQ about surviving infidelity because you will end up thinking it was down to you that he "was missing something"

do you view this as infidelity, incidentally ?

I think before you raise this with him, you need to have a careful think about where you are drawing your line and what is/isn't acceptable in your relationship.

Also be prepared for the drip feed and with holding of crucial information.

Personally, I would give him absolutely no warning of such a discussion. I would bring his pc, phone, phone bills etc to the table with you and make him show you everything immediately. Do not give him the opportunity to dump evidence.

Do I count this as infidelity? Yes, I do.

He has taken my trust and stamped all over it. The mad thing is that in recent months he has seemed disconnected during sex. It's been as though it's a mechanical thing for him iykwim?

He has no respect for me does he?

What have you actually found?

There's another one of these posts on another forum (MSE) a young woman, not married very long, dickhead husband on sex chat and webcam sites - she's being told by lots of men and women that it's just porn , most men do it and they see nothing wrong in it, they're actually "advising" her to dress up more for him to take his interest away from his "hobby" - I don't know where to start with them, I'm so angry on her behalf.
Don't these morons realise the harm they do?

It's basically "STFU , wear hotpants and suck his cock more".

I agree with the advice of having all the evidence right there to confront him with, good luck.

That's not mad, it's usual for a porn user/unfaithful person to seem disconnected during sex and as though it's a mechanical biological event without emotion. The porn user especially becomes desensitised to the sex he has with his usual partner and either tries to introduce pornified sex or switches off completely into his own world.

Excellent advice from Hatty and AF, all I have to add - after being in the same situation - is do it quickly, confront him I mean. The biggest mistake I made was not saying anything straight away, the second biggest mistake I made was giving him another chance to do it again (and again :( ) but I know some couples can recover from this, maybe you can.

I had a new baby and 2 other young children, no-one in RL to talk to and no MN, I wasn't strong enough to confront straight away and it was soul destroying. I hope you don't make the same mistake.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

Solomum, I wish you had had MN too

What a horrible thing to live through, without some sympathetic and practical people to talk to

How stupid am I?! I wondered how he was using these sites as we live miles from anywhere then Mal mentioned webcam. God I feel stupid.

Someone asked what I've found? Just the history on his computer. Plus in the security settings he's put in the addresses of sites he doesn't want the password remembered for. He's got 3 sites listed there. He must have an email I don't know about. I don't have access to his online banking to check there.

I am so so stupid.

No, you are not stupid, but he is. After all, you have found him out. I'd say you've had a bit of luck and found it before he has chance to escalate it to the point where he meets up with people risking sti/pregnancy etc

You are not stupid

he has covered his tracks very efficiently so far, that is all

er, Olympia, I wouldn't count on him having not acted on anything and met up with people just yet

what women first discover wrt a cheating man is often very much the tip of the iceberg, I am afraid and Op should be prepared for there to be a lot more to this that initially meets the eye

hopefully not, but love, keep an open mind or you risk swallowing inadequate explanations for his behaviour because you previously thought he was a trustworthy person

Why am I not angry?! I feel like I want to cry but I can't. 18 years down the pan for some cheap Internet thrills. What a bloody mess.

I'll talk to him tonight when DC are in bed or in rooms. This is going to be hell. For me it's a deal breaker. Worst thing is he knows this .

You are in shock ?

Feel frozen ?

Totally understandable x

I don't know whether to be gals I've found out or wish I was still oblivious.

He must think I'm a complete mug. Does he think it's harmless, that I wouldn't find out?

I dread to think how long this has been going on for. Wish I knew his other email address.

Gals =glad.

Tell him you know he has one. Don't tell him how you know. Tell him that you even considering whether this is something you could forgive (even if you know you couldn't) is dependent on full and immediate disclosure

Make it clear any attempts by him to blame you, confuse you, make you doubt yourself or finding out later that he has with held anything will be treated as a hostile act and dealt with in the appropriate way

Yes AF but I wasn't sure if op was up to hearing he may have already done the deed.... I was trying to be gentle! She sounds shocked enough.

yes, she does

but she has posted here for people to be truthful with her, presumably

in this situation, I would prefer to be fully armed with the possible outcomes of this discussion she is going to have with him, rather than blindsided by something she may not have expected

O, it was me who asked up thread what exactly you had found

Look in his photos and videos...... Any in altimeters ones if himself? Or any if other women etc? Hidden files?

The sites themselves..... Have you looked at his profile?

Altimeters? Meant to say 'inappropriate'

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