Dh on Dating and sex chat sites.

[Llamedos]

We've been together 18 years, married 9. I have to confront but I feel sick :(.

Has it become a national disease, this sex chat business? I have been looking at American literature, suggesting a pattern of it which becomes compulsive is actually addiction.

But then, looking on here, it is so common, in the net age.

Dgr, you can't trust. Quite obviously.

The problem you have here is that when you caught him the 1st time, he had no consequences for his actions. He also blamed something "external" (ie. your "sex life") rather than examining the weaknesses in himself that led him to finding cheap thrills on the internet. He didn't do it because he was dis satisfied with you, he did it because he was weak and needy.

Until he admits the original fault lay with him he is very vulnerable to doing it again. In fact, he probably never stopped. I am really sorry he is prepared to risk his marriage in this way.

That's so true, AF. My h has just got to that point, a couple of weeks ago. In the beginning, it was all about what was wrong with the relationship (which was a symptom, not a cause), and now he is thinking about patterns from childhood.

A divorce lawyer of my acquaintance has said that its a commonplace in his profession that the mobile phone and the internet are both the usual facilitator of adultery AND the most effective provider of evidence of same....

In this particular case the OP is in a position where she needs, perhaps with help, to work out what SHE wants to do and what for her, would count as a good outcome. This in itself may be quite a task, but valuable for her. This gives her a framework for confronting her husband.

Thanks all, nice to know I'm not just being paranoid. With iPhone he has his pass code lock on and disappears into the bathroom for half an hour at a time with his phone...even did this on Xmas day. iPhone has made it really easy for him to keep this stuff from me. It does seem to be getting more common and someone else mentioned it might be an addiction...he does have a history of needing to be needed but part of the reason he said he wanted me in the beginning was because I was more independent, guess that wasn't the case?!

You are not being paranoid, and I would bet my house he is up to his old tricks

I think I know that but just don't want to admit it. I have asked him about it and he denies anything going on - well he would wouldn't he - but is still do secretive that I can't help but be suspicious. Guess we'll be having that conversation again!!

If you can get hold of his iPhone for twenty mins you can get into the phone without using the pass code. You just need to get onto YouTube under "forgotten pass code for iPhone" and follow instructions.good luck

Tell him that due to his history, he should be doing everything he can to reassure you and provide full access to his phone etc then ask him to hand over his phone and password...

Thanks, will check out the forgotten pass code but think I will give him the chance to be open first. If he won't then I'll go down the other route...

From the other side, I'm on a site which has this sort of rude sex meet up stuff. It also has a big support and friendship side too, which is the main reason I'm on it. (Sounds odd, but the site evolved over time). I get fed up with all the guys messaging for "discrete" relationships even with a big no thank you on my profile page. I hear from the people who are interested in meeting these guys that only about 10% are actually genuine and the rest are fantasists, or typing with one hand.

I hear that too, Tiggy re. most of them are fantasists

it's nor mitigation for getting caught caught red-handed on one though...

I agree with AF, I don't think my ex actually wanted someone else - it was the attention, the novelty of it all. But he would've ended up meeting someone eventually, the curiosity would have been too much for him.

OTOH there I was, neglected, looking after young children and a new baby while he tap tap tapped away. Coming home at lunchtime and disappearing upstairs to log on and check his messages/profile views and even having sex with me - when I was 5 weeks post natal with cs wound and told him I really didn't want to - and then jumping up straight after to log back on. Just a few examples of the fuckwittery that left me feeling like a worthless piece of crap.

I would've preferred an affair or a one night stand, would've been a clearer issue for me to contend with at the time.

not mitigation, sorry

must proof read..

I am very glad than man is your ex, bugle

I am too :)

Tis me Solomum btw, still banging on with my same old story