Emotional abuse. What are the signs?

[Wittsend13]

I just can't get my head sorted even after a year. I knew the relationship wasn't "normal" I knew I should have walked. Why did I let it go so far when the WHOLE time I knew he was shit.

Can I ask what exactly is emotional abuse and what the typical signs are?

I came across two emails I had typed up saved in my drafts and I'd like to post them so see if anyone can clarify if I was always the one to blame and if I was a paranoid, jealous insecure gf he ALWAYS made me out to be.

Emotional abuse takes many forms but it is essentially about gaining mental dominance and power over another.

A slow drip of verbal poison can be sufficient to cause the recipient to suffer low esteem, loss of confidence, and, in extreme cases, to question their sanity.

If he attempted to convince you or others that you are paranoid, jeaous, and insecure, and you know damned well you're not, there's a good chance you've been a victim of ea.

As for why you stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship, try and work out what pay-off you got from it. Did it feed your insecurities or your securities? Did you feel diminished by him, or did you feel equal to the challenge? Did you believe that he'd change if you could match up to his exacting standards, or that you could change him by rescuing him from himself, as it were?

Did you fall into the trap of believing that you'd found the perfect man and could have the perfect relationship.. if only.

Plenty of links here to help you clarify your ideas and mull things over.

If you post the emails we'll have a look.

Basically emotional abuse is about power. Chances are your partner will have said something to you at some stage that upset you or made you back down for some reason. He then got a shot of what needed from your reaction - a feeling of power and control. He knew that if he played that card again, you wouldn't tell him to fuck off, you'd back down and get upset. It's like he knew your "deactivate" button and pressed it when it suited him. That's not in any way your fault - your reaction was automatic and probably came from a need not to upset him. What you need to recognise is that it's ok for you to have boundaries, and it's ok for you to stand up for yourself in a relationship. You need to hide your deactivate button, or better still, get rid of it altogether.

Thank you all> This was the first email I typed up to talk to him about but never sent: Please excuse all spelling and grammar mistakes.

The lack of support this week.
Having a bad day at work and taking it out on me.
lying to me.
Making me feel like an outcast in front of your mates.
Having your friends ex over twice in 7 days especially seeing as it was your last nigh before you leave for your 3 week holiday to NZ. Me leaving early rather upset and you not even bothering to text me or call me to see if I got home ok yet you were interested in collecting and droping your friend off at the station. Having me go out of my way to buy you things that you could have got yourself but was more interested in sitting on your laptop. You say you're just friends with this girl but you met her once and I have seen your text to her asking what type of man she goes for..

Branding me jealous because and I quote "in your words she is very pretty" and not understanding why I was upset and how I felt like I was given the cold shoulder.

Texting me when you can be bothered. Texts are rather strange and not once was I told you missed me. Yet you were more interested if I had done your washing and see me in 9 hours like I'm some mate rather than your girlfriend. making me feel rather worthless and yet again not special in your life anymore.

Coming back to me drunk all touchy feely wednesday. having the roughest sex with me ever making me feel like a piece of meat rather than your girlfriend. Infact that was the worse sex we've ever had and the night before is nearly up there too.

Always hiding your fb emails and your text messages. This only makes me think one thing seeing as you know my password and I show and tell you EVERYTHING. I feel like I'm the one doing all honesty here and although you may have only told me a few white lies they are still lies in my eyes.

Everytime I try to talk to you I get upset and emotional this makes it harder for me to explain myself and then I always get the feeling you turn it around and make it like it's my fault. And then I feel shit again and try to calm myself and the situation.

On Friday I asked you straight out of you wanted to be with me. I get the feeling you dont and you're scared of hurting me and dont want to say. I don't want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. I'm not one of these people who will plod along hoping it will get better. The thing is when we're good I think I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I really do. But then when its bad I think I'm a bit of a mug.

I hate feeling like this. It's far too soon for any of this christ it's only been 4 months. I can't get my head around whats changed in the last week. I feel like we're drifting apart and I hate it. You need to tell me what it is you want. I need to know it's not fair on me having to feel like this. I can't stand when you tell me you are aware of it. Why can't you stop being aware and just stop doing it?

Before xmas we had a chat because you were upset. I took it all on board what you said. I try not to go on my computer when you're about and I dont tend to sit on my phone as much either. You on the other hand are forever on the laptop. Yes I understand yours was broken but why tell me not to do something and you then go and do it yourself? Even other people have commented how you tell me what to do and are you trying to turn me into a robot woman. Also I try not to embarass you via fb etc. Even though talking about you isn't exactly embarrassing. It's hard but I have tried. I'm proud your my bf and I like talking about you. I understand that it's me whos had to push for everything. Like even having to say you were in a relationship and then again with me. Do you know how shit I felt having to ask you to do it? Infact I say ask I went on about it like a right div. Most men who love their gfs would be proud to stick that up. but not you. Was all that alarm bells earlier on that I was too naive to see? I don't understand why when you introduce me to your friends outside of how you met me and say this is wittsend. It's like I'm just a mate you give affection to now and again.

When we started out I asked you to promise me not to mug me off. I've just come out of a 9 yr marriage and a rather shit relationship all which you know about. I;ve become a tad paranoid due to this and you knowing this shouldnt have me feeling like I cant trust you with your white lies and all these female friends you have. I understand you have mates just as I do. I don't ever feel like you put me first. I put you first over everyone. I don't understand where I've gone wrong here. My heads telling me one thing and my hearts doing another. I need straight answers from you. And nomore beating around the bush.

Sorry its so long x

He's a total willy and you are better off without him.
Remember that you don't need a couple-relationship to make your life worthwhile or complete or any of that nonsense. A good couple-relationship is a pleasant add-on to life, not compulsory,
A bad one is a life-draining toxic waste of your time.

err -" it's only been 4 months"

so get out now while you can.

dont hang around for more of this it aint worth it

You have only been with him for a year and what you have described above was happening after only four months?

I'd move on if I were you, he is not making you happy and never will imo. He doesnt respect you or love you.

No ladies I'm not with this so called man anymore. I should have said. But the signs were all there weren't they? I have another one that I'd like to share which is the final one.. Again another email I never sent but all this did happen as I typed..

When I asked in an adult manner if you could respect me the same way I respect you with you're going out with people of the same sex whom I haven't met. It's polite and res[ectful to at least introduce your partner or at least give them the option to accept or decline whether they wish to join you. Waiting until I have picked you up on it and then telling me if I want to come isn't acceptable. And its not just because you asked me. It's also the tone of voice I get along with it.

I've never gone out anywhere with anyone I haven;t told you about. This isn't about trust here, It's about respect. Not jealousy or my insecurities as you like to call it.

What gets me is the fact I am never made to feel I am your number priority. Everyone else seems to come first with you. I find this a lot to take in. I don't get how when you're with your friends, I'm sort of forgotten and left to "get on with it" I understand you had to do something with people for an hour I get that and I'd never give you a hard time about it either. When in the rocket you come in with us and then we buy you a drink and you bugger off only to return when you're telling me you're leaving. Had it not been for the fact a friend was there with me I think I would have gone home. I don't like just being left to get on with it while you swan around and chat to everyone going.

Someone else asked me who I was yesterday. I said I'm his girlfriend. Really? You two been together long? Oh only a year tomorrow. Oh, I thought he was still with his ex....

I've noticed he patornizes you a lot wittsend with the way he talks to you. Kinda like you're his child..... He really comes across as selfish....

You're not happy wittsend. You're not your usual self at all whats wrong? where is he? I wouldn't know guys I'm not his PA but I'm starting to think maybe I should be...

You've told me on quite a few occasions you're getting on a bit and of course you want to be with me and settle down and have kids get married etc etc.

That kind of makes me feel like I'm your last option. Like I'm good enough to give you all the things YOU want and not worry about what I want.

Being in a relationship is an even thing you get 50% and I get the other 50% it's not 90% you and 10% wittsend like it's currently.

I cannot understand why you can't be affectionate in public why is it that it's only done when we're at home and no-one can see/ Am I some dirty secret that you're embarassed to tell or show the world that we're together?

I can't believe that on our 1 year anniversary, you decided to have lunch with another girl. Old work mate or not. It's our day. A day you should have done something special with no-one else except me. Like Mr organized is supposed to do. But I guess this is where you'll twist it and tell me oh but wittsend you don't like when i plan anything... No I don't like when you plan every detail for trivial things but a year to the day we got together?! And you do nothing? Unforgivable. but it's ok to go out with someone else because they are much more important and a bigger priority! I gather this is where you'll say to yourself but I invited you! Yes you did. Saturday night 11pm and only after I asked you in a calm collective manner who are you going out to lunch with. I wonder if you can remember the way you spoke to me too. I'm betting you're sitting there saying but you said this and it was well out of order so i walked off like a child and it's all my fault. Yes of course it's my fault. How dare I ask you to respect me by having the curtosy and respect to tell me whom you're out with. I am so out of order....

I have a few questions for you.

Is this always going to be the case? Am I always going to feel 2nd best to all your friends?

Will I always be accused of being jealous and insecure when I ask you to respect me by telling who you're going on dinner and lunch dates with?

And I always going to be spoken too in this fucking patronizing tone that you think is acceotable to talk to me with?

And lastly am I ever going to be made to feel like I am the one for you and treated with respect?

I'm glad for you that you are no longer with him. Perhaps seeing these emails again will remind you of what you are NOT looking for next time round

This obviously isn't the man for you. End it.

I don't think it's emotional abuse (from my experience). He just isn't a very nice man, doesn't treat you right and it isn't a good relationship. He doesn't value you at all and that is going to be awful for your self esteem. Whilst I wouldn't have thought it's emotional abuse, I would still get out of the relationship super quick

sorry you're going through this

Lunar, I'm no longer with this bloke. He walked out on me when I was pg. And yes he has damaged my esteem, badly. I'm just trying to get some sort of closure now as I do believe he was emotionally abusing me. I just wanted some clarification as I wasn't too sure.

There is a lot more to what he did that isn't in those emails. I still can't believe I allowed someone to treat me like that. He blames me for EVERYTHING. He often would say I nag him to death and that his "gental nature" can't take it.... He takes no responsibility whatsoever for anything. He knows how to manipulate everything I say or do. Everyone thinks he's lovely. He's very clever with words and knows how to twist everything that's said or done.

To be fair my experience of emotional and mental abuse was far more extreme. It might be best to see what others say.

eg. by the end if exH had said the sky is purple with green polka dots i would have said what a "lovely purple and green polka dot sky" and meant. I was made to be think or feel anything for myself.

What you have written makes you feel worthless and sad but you are at least still capable of feeling those for yourself

sorry that should have read that I would have meant it, he abused me to such an extent that I could only think feel and see what he told me to think feel and see

Luna, He made me think his way was always best and always managed to talk me round even though I knew it wasn't right IYSWIM? I remember he always used to tell me I'm getting fat (size 8-10) and that I need to start losing weight. I used to think it was odd but then thought aww he's being sweet and wants me to look my best. He always used to point out I needed to wax my top lip which is so fair you can't see it but he would always tell me to do it and again I'd feel it was odd and no man ever commented on it before but I thought he was being sweet and that the reason he would point it out was incase someone else did.

Yes then you were abused. He was controlling how you felt

I think abuse (in any form) is more about the end result. If he ends up with total control over you, the way you think, the way you dress and in my case what you think and saw too that's abuse

What you've just posted is actually much worse that what you posted above, but ultimately it is the reason why you put up with the above. The top bit are the symptoms. the bottom bit the cause

mine never even yelled it me, he just made me believe i was mad/incapable/pregnancy addled brain/stupid/depressed

Lunar, there is a lot more I'm not going into detail about because quite frankly I'm embarrassed I allowed any of this to happen to me. I never told any of my family or friends what was going on as I was ashamed. I guess I felt no one would ever believe me as I used to be such a strong person who takes no crap off of anyone and he always comes across as clam cool and collect and knows how to talk everyone round. I guess I felt maybe it was all me and in my head. And that it wasn't all going on I had just made a mountain out of a molehill, well that's what he used to tell me and I started to believe it.

it can also been done at a distance and or even with other people present. I found that may family often unwittingly supported him in his abuse which was immensely isolating He was very good at making me appear like the unreasonable one

If you fell embarrassed and ashamed then you were being emotionally abused. Any relationship where you are feeling ashamed is not healthy.
I suggest you read Lundy Bancroft books (why does he do that?).

Emotional abusers latch onto nice kind people because they know they can pick on them. Now you realise what he was, but at the time you (and most people, particularly women who are socially trained to put up with crap from an early age) couldn't believe he was that bad, you kept thinking he must be nice really.

At least now you can recognise the signs and won't let this happen to you again.

Yes wittsend that is emotional abuse.

nearly 10years I was with the guy (we were both quite young) and 3 years later I still struggle working out what was going on, why I put up with it and some stuff I still haven't really talked about (especially the sex stuff)

Thank you everyone for your replies. Miggsie, I'll look out for that book, thanks